


Saved by an Angel

by deanbaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alone Dean, Alternate Universe - High School, Bottom Dean, Broken Dean, Comfort, Consensual, Cute, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Gay Sex, Helpful Cas, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, It Gets Better, Kissing, Love, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Nerd Dean, Nightmares, Piercings, Sad Dean, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm, Tattoo, Top Cas, Virginity, appreciation, getting better, highschool, insecure, it starts slow, learning to love, memories of abuse, memories of sexual assault, mentions of abuse, punk cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-07 03:02:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 64
Words: 164,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1882671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanbaby/pseuds/deanbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is lost in every way you could imagine until he meets his first angel, Castiel Novak, in junior year of high school. They become inseparable as the days go on, and Dean fears that it will all end once he confesses his seemingly shameful secrets to Cas. They form an unbreakable bond, understanding each other and the worlds around them. Dean and Castiel learn that you have give everything to your love, and that just wanting something isn't enough to get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Promise You'll Call?

_**Friday, April 12** _

 

Dean Winchester was rummaging through his locker looking for his science book when a strange boy caught his eye. Dean had never seen him before, which was odd because they went to a very small high school with only about 500 total kids, so he knew almost everybody. The boy looked about the same age as him, a junior. He had a shiny leather jacket on and a fitted black T-shirt. His dark jeans were slung low on his hips as he rushed past.

 

As he turned around, the boy ran his shoulder into Dean, knocking him into the lockers without warning. Dean watched him walk away and the boy looked back, locking his eyes with Deans, pausing only for a split second.

 

In that moment, Dean caught a glimpse of the blue eyes that would change him forever.

 

He saw those steel blue-grey eyes, the color of sun bleached forget-me-not petals ringed with deepest indigo, the color of bleached jeans, the color of a Norwegian glacier, the sweetest cornflower blue shade, pale like the watery blue eyes of a ghost.

 

Those eyes held life. That was something that he desperately needed.

 

Dean saw the boy disappear behind the corner of the hallway.

 

He wondered if he was going crazy. Who can tell person’s story from their eye color? Dean had to see him again. He had to find him, know him. Find out things about him. His name, his favorite color, movie, book, song, celebrity couple. Dean had to know.

 

He mostly kept to himself, and had never been out with another boy, or girl before. He was gay, and it wasn’t exactly hidden, but he didn’t go out of his way to make it public. He didn’t want to end up as the victim of someone’s relentless homophobic rage. He tried not to go after anybody that caught his interest, from fear of rejection.

 

He had to have this boy.

 

Dean’s feelings towards him were new. He felt like he needed to be with him. Like he was connected to him. Dean knew this was absolutely insane. You don’t get these feelings after a second of blurry eye contact in the hallway.

 

Maybe this one was different.

 

Maybe not.

 

Dean wasn’t an outcast, but he wasn’t popular. He never went to parties and usually sat with one or two other people at lunch if they didn’t sit with their friends. He was perfectly happy to be in the middle. He had a few friends. He had his little brother Sammy. That’s all he really needed.

 

The bell rang, knocking Dean out of his blue-eyed trance and he rushed to retrieve his science book, shutting his locker and stumbling down the hall to the lab room. As he ran into the room, Mr. McPherson gave him a disapproving look but continued on with the lesson. Dean took his seat and noticed that for the first time since freshmen year, the lab table seat next to him wasn’t empty. Blue Eyes was sitting right next to him, twiddling is thumbs impatiently, like he had somewhere to be. Dean tried to ignore him. He realized that he was just seeing things and should just leave the kid alone.

 

Or he would have if Friday wasn’t a lab day.

 

Mr. McPherson finished instructions quickly and left the class to it. They were to be looking through a microscope and identifying different organisms. He was fairly good at science and figured this would be a breeze. Dean turned to face Blue Eyes. Even though he had only met him a few minutes earlier, and it was him pushing Dean into a row of lockers, Dean couldn’t form any words.

 

Blue Eyes twisted in his chair, facing Dean.

 

“So, are we going to do this or what?” he said, propping his chin up with his hand. His voice was deep and gravelly, making Dean hold his breath in awe.

 

Dean stared blankly, mesmerized by his sheer beauty.

 

He had tousled dark brown hair, which was thick and lustrous. His eyes were the same deep ocean blue, with flecks of silvery light performing ballets beneath the shadowed curtains of his short but dark eyelashes. His face was strong and defined, his hard features molded from granite. He had dark eye brows, which sloped downwards in a serious expression. His pink lips were parted slightly, waiting for Dean’s response.

 

“Is there something on my face?” Blue Eyes asked, bringing the back of his hand to his flushed cheek.

 

“N-no, sorry. I guess I was just daydreaming.” He managed to spit out. Dean felt his cheeks get hot and looked down to write his name at the top of the partner worksheet that Mr. McPherson handed to them. He shyly slid the paper over to Blue Eyes. The boy took out a blue pen that paled in comparison to his eyes and carelessly wrote ‘Castiel Novak’ under Dean’s name.

 

Dean looked at the way that the ‘C’ in Castiel’s name curled up and barely brushed the bottom of the ‘D’ in his own name. He admired the way that Castiel had sloppy yet beautiful script, scrawled across the paper in smooth calligraphy. Why was everything about this boy perfect?

 

“Alright let’s do this,” Castiel breathed. He took his leather jacket off, exposing his biceps.

 

The hems of his sleeves were rolled up like he was from the 1980s. From his wrist to under his shirt on both arms were a pair of charcoal wings, inked perfectly into his smooth skin. The feathers were a bit ruffled and Dean wanted to know if they took up his whole back, if they covered his torso. Standing up, he put his ocean eyes up to the microscope and twisted the lens to focus on the organism.

 

Dean watched the way his body moved. He thought that Castiel was going to think he was going to do all the work, as most of his partners do. He didn’t want to work on the stupid lab. He wanted to reach out and touch him, breathe him in. He wanted to memorize Castiel’s scent and know his body.

 

 _Stop it, Dean_ , he thought, _just get the lab over with so you can get home to Sammy. You don’t know him. He doesn’t want to know you. Just snap out of it._

 

He sat up straight in his chair and cleared his throat.

 

Castiel looked up from the microscope at him and sat back in his chair facing Dean.

 

“I’m Castiel,” Blue Eyes said slowly, trying to help the awkwardness. “I just moved here. Sorry if I took your lab partners spot. McPherson told me to pick a spot. I like it close to the window, where I can look outside.”

 

“Nobody was sitting there. I don’t mind.” He said quickly.

 

Cas chuckled. “A man of few words, I see.”

 

Dean tried to come up with something to say before Cas decides that he isn’t worth talking to.

 

“I’m Dean. Dean Winchester. You don’t have to do the lab. I know the answers already. We can just talk if you want.”  
  


Dean was thrilled yet horrified at the same time. He finally got to talk to this wonderful thing but he could barely get his name out.

 

“Dean,” he whispered. Dean almost fainted when he heard Cas say his name. It sounded so good coming from his perfect pink lips. “I like that name. Much better than ‘Castiel.’”

 

Dean licked his lips. He thought about kissing him. He thought about touching his neck, feeling the back of his hands. He thought about Castiel shirtless, and what it would be like to see him in Dean’s bed, barely covered by his sheets. He wondered what Cas’ room looked like. Where he lived.

 

He knew he had to talk to Cas. He wanted to. He pretended he was at home with Sammy, sitting at the kitchen table and talking about nothing.

 

“Personally, I love the name Cas.” Cas grinned, showing a set of straight white teeth. Dean blushed again and this time he couldn’t hide it. Castiel held his breath, and Dean suddenly felt nervous. “Castiel is nice, too. I didn’t mean to call you Cas, sorry if you don’t like the name.”

 

“No, it’s fine. It’s just that nobody’s ever given me a nickname before. I like it.” Dean huffed a sigh of relief. The last thing he wanted to do was make Cas uncomfortable. “So, Dean, how do you know so much about science? I mean, you already know the answers to the lab.”

 

He was happy that Cas was trying to talk to him. He tried to keep the conversation going but he didn’t want to get lost in Cas’ eyes and space out again. Dean looked down to the white worksheet, avoiding Cas’ eyes.

 

“Uhm, I was in advanced but my grades started slipping so I had to retake this class.” He mumbled, not looking up. He didn’t specify why they got bad. He’d save the story about his parents and Sammy for later, when him and Cas got closer. If they did.

 

“This is my first time taking this class. I might need your help,” Cas said in his deep voice. Dean thought he was kind of asking him out, in a weird way. Even if he wasn’t, he could still see him again.

 

The corners of Dean’s mouth moved up slowly into a smile. He had to say yes. “Sure, Cas. Anytime. Maybe you should give me your number? I’ll call you.” Dean was way out of his element. Asking an extremely hot guy that was way out of his league for his number? Unheard of.

 

Cas lit up. He tried to hide his joy but failed ultimately, letting Dean see his flushed face. Dean turned red, too, deciding that he didn’t care anymore if Cas saw him blush.

 

Dean tugged at the sleeves of his favorite sweater nervously, looking down with his eyes closed. His heart was beating out of his chest as he waited for a response.

 

“Yeah, I’d like that, Dean. Where do you want me to write it?”

 

He looked up, finally letting himself look into Cas’ eyes. The corner of Cas’ mouth curled up into a smile, a perfect one.

 

Dean looked around and didn’t find a piece of paper, so he stuck out his hand, palm up, to Cas. “Here,” he said. His eyes were open wide, letting Cas into him. Cas took his hand, putting it on his thigh. Dean’s pinky slipped through a hole is Cas’ jeans, and Dean tried not to make himself too obvious. Cas rolled up the sleeve of Dean’s sweater just past his hand, exposing a little bit of his wrist. Dean didn’t want Cas to see his scars. Yet. At least not until they were good friends or even more. He was relieved when his sweater still managed to cover him up.

 

Cas pulled out that blue pen and wrote each number slowly for him.

 

Dean reluctantly pulled his hand away and looked at the number, smiling.

 

“Promise you’ll call?” Cas asked.

 

Dean was happy that Cas had doubts about him wanting to be Cas' friend. Maybe he really did need help with science. Maybe not.

 

“Promise.” Dean said, looking into Cas’ eyes. The bell rang, making Dean and Cas jump. They stood up, grabbing their books and standing awkwardly next to each other.

 

“So, talk to you later?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah,” Dean smiled at him, and when he got the perfect smile back, he was looking forward to calling Cas.

 

Dean turned the paper into Mr. McPherson on the way out. Cas and him walked out of the classroom together.

 

Before they parted ways, Cas nodded at Dean, saying goodbye. Dean did the same. He turned away, walking down the crowded hallway to his locker, wishing Cas was by his side. He was thankful that it was the end of the day of Friday, so he could go home and think about Cas, and maybe call him.


	2. He Hated his Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm/cutting

_**Friday, April 12** _

 

Dean slumped home, tired from the long walk. All he could think about was Cas. Dean would love to drive, but was afraid that his beautiful ’67 Chevy Impala, would get messed with by the kids at his school. It was just him, Sam, and their mother, Mary. His father had died in a drunk driving accident, his own fault, when Dean was fourteen.

 

His mother had tried to do her best to take care of the boys, but her job at the hospital wasn’t enough to put food on the table. Dean picked up a job at the shop, fixing cars while fixing his. He did the shopping, finding food for Sam, him and his mother.

 

They were poor and run down but a family all the same.

 

He did his best to take care of Sam, but sometimes he was just a little bit late to picking him up from school, or forgets to talk to him about things.

 

The one thing he never forgets is tucking him in, and kissing him goodnight. He loved Sam. He wanted him to have a good childhood with friends and a happy family. He tried his best, but sometimes he had to miss some of his soccer games to be at work. Sam was okay with it, because he knew how much Dean loved him.

 

When Dean walked in the house there was a note on the kitchen table for him that read:

 

_Dean, I’m at my friend Jessica’s house. I’ll be home after dinner. Don’t worry._  
 _Sam_

 

Dean sighed. He wanted to talk to Sam, but was glad that he found a friend. He had been sort of lonely his first few years of junior high and had talked nonstop about this beautiful blond name Jess who had always been nice to him. He was glad that Sam was growing up and having a somewhat normal and whole life.

 

He didn’t want Sam to end up the way he did, with scars on his body and scars on his heart.

 

Sam didn’t mind that Dean liked boys. He talked to Dean about his problems and Dean did the same. They were brothers, and loved each other to death.

 

Sam was in eighth grade and was starting to get taller. He was almost as tall as Dean, so just under 6 feet. He was gangly and awkward, but Dean knew that eventually he’d be jacked, and could probably take Dean in a few years.

 

Dean opened the fridge looking for a snack, settling for an apple with a few bruises on it. He made a metal note to go grocery shopping with Sam later.

 

He wandered up the stairs and into his room, flopping onto his bed. He looked around the room at the Metallica and AC/DC posters that covered his white walls. Dean wondered if Cas liked them, too.

 

He wanted to call. He wanted to talk to Cas. What would he say? Maybe he would set up a date? Dean decided to wait until the next day. He sat on his bed thinking of reasons to get together. Then he decided that he didn’t need a reason. He wanted to see him so he would ask Cas to the movies or out to coffee. After all, they did seem to have a connection. He put Cas’ number into his phone and saved it so it wouldn’t wash off and be lost.

 

Dean got up and decided to shower before his mom came home. He turned the water on, and let steam fill up the bathroom. He quickly shed his sweater and kicked his jeans off, throwing them in the corner of the room as he stepped into the hot water.

 

He tried not to look at his body in the mirror.

 

There was a reason Dean always wore jeans and sweaters. It’s not something that he’s proud of, or something that he likes to share. He’s ashamed.

 

Ever since Dean was fourteen, he had been cutting himself.

 

He had just lost his father, his mother was away at work all hours of the day, and Sam was only ten, so they couldn’t really talk about serious stuff then. Dean felt like nothing. Like anything he ever did was never good enough. He felt that he shouldn’t be saved. That he didn’t deserve to have such a wonderful brother. Or deserve to be loved.

 

It started out with small cuts on his wrist showing small white lines, and developed into huge gashes on his thighs leaving raised scars that will be permanently on his body.

 

Dean showered as fast as he could and wrapped a towel around his scarred, wet body, covering himself up.

 

He put clean clothes on, protected with a long flannel and dark wash jeans, even though it was April. He went back into his room and put his headphones in. He didn’t have to work at the shop that night since it was Friday. Dean lay with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed. He slightly nodded his head in time to the music. He figured that if he wasn’t going to call Cas until tomorrow, he shouldn’t be thinking about him.

 

He couldn’t help it.

 

Cas clouded his thoughts. Dean tried to get his mind off of Cas by beating off, but that just put dirtier images of him in his mind. Pictures of Cas half naked, lying in his bed, barely covered by his sheets, begging for Dean to kiss him. Nobody else.

 

When he finally came he let the word Cas slip out of his mouth in a moan. He sighed, mad at himself for letting it get this far. He had just met Cas a few hours before, and he was already jerking off to the thought of him. Dean cleaned himself up and got out of his room.

 

He sat on the staircase with his chin propped up by his palm, and thought about Cas. There was no way to avoid it. Dean was just too intrigued by him. He had so many questions about Cas’ tattoo.

 

Why wings? What does it mean? Did it hurt? How long did it take? When did he get it? Did he have any more tattoos?

 

He’d ask all those questions when he saw Cas. Dean wanted to get close to him. He wanted to be Cas’ friend. Well, more than a friend. But he wanted to be there for him. Be able to talk to him.

 

Dean slouched and waited for his mom to come home late again. He made pasta for dinner, making sure that for when she came home after work she’d have a nice meal to come home to. Dean sat on the counter next to the stove and watched the water boil. All he could think about was Cas, but specifically telling him about his scars. He never told anyone. So why Dean was suddenly now so interested in giving this new angel friend his entire backstory, he didn’t know.

 

He poured the pasta in while the water boiled and stirred absentmindedly as the noodles softened.

 

Dean sat with his back leaning against the fridge on the counter, knees pulled up to his chest. He unbuttoned the bottom of his left sleeve and rolled it up. He traced his thumb over the old, and not so old, scars. They ran from the inside of his upper arm to the beginning of his wrist. All perfectly in a line. Not going away.

 

He hated his scars. They were ugly and just reminded him of every single thing he hated about himself.

 

Dean heard the door handle being turned so he quickly buttoned his sleeve and hopped off the counter. He took the boiling pasta out of the pot and drained it in the sink. He put it back in the pot on the stove and looked around for sauce.

 

“Dean?” his mother called.

 

“In the kitchen,” he replied. He couldn’t find any pasta sauce to they were just going to have to live with buttered noodles.

 

Mary walked in the kitchen with a basket of laundry in her hand, still in her scrubs. She set the basket on the table and walked by Dean. She took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead.

 

“Hey, honey, how was your day?” she asked. She continued to go about her chores, staying within earshot of Dean.

 

“Good, thanks. How was work?” Dean wanted to ask if it was okay to have Cas come over sometime while she was at work this weekend. She was very understanding and always trusted him. She never even flinched when he finally came out of the closet. She just hugged him and told him that she loved him. He wished he could say the same about his dad.

 

“Fine. Boring as usual. Where’s Sammy?”

 

“He went to his friend’s house, a girl’s.” he added. His mother would be proud to know that Sam made a friend.

 

“Really? Good to know that boy is out there and not stuffing his face in a book,” she laughed.

 

“Hey, Mom? Can I ask you something?” Dean really wanted to see Cas. His mom sensed his nervous tone and came back into the kitchen where he was stirring butter into the pot of noodles.

 

“Of course you can,” Mary encouraged.

 

“I met this boy today and he gave me his number and I want to call him and invite him over tomorrow but I didn’t know if it was okay because you’re going to be at work and I really wanted to see him and I promise we won’t mess up the house we just want to hang out and-”

 

“Dean, slow down. I don’t mind if you invite your new friend over. Just be polite and don’t make too much of a mess,” she said.

 

Dean smiled. “Thanks, Mom,” he breathed, and pulled her into a hug.

 

She put her hand on her hip and looked up at Dean.

 

“Now tell me about this boy,” she said, smirking.

 

“His name is Cas and I met him in science and he has a wing tattoo and dark hair and I think I really like him.” Dean blushed and looked down, embarrassed that he actually said that in front of his own mother.

 

“Sounds like a cute one. Invite him over, if he makes you that happy then give it a shot. Maybe he likes you, too.”

 

"Mooommm," he complained. He knew she wanted the best for him.

 

She smiled at Dean before getting out a plate and filling it with pasta.

 

“Thanks for dinner, sweetie,” Mary said before she went in the living room with her plate to start folding clothes.

 

Dean filled his own plate and sat at the kitchen table. He ate slowly. He jumped up when he heard Sammy come through the door.

 

“Hey, champ, how was it at your girlfriend’s house?”

 

“Shut up, Dean! She’s not my girlfriend, yet.” Sam blushed, looking away.

 

Dean chuckled and sent Sammy to bed. He cleaned up in the kitchen and headed upstairs to get his own pajamas on. When he got in his room he stripped down and changed into the flannel pajama pants that Sam had given him for his birthday and his Blue Oyster Cult long sleeve. He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth.

 

Dean wandered into Sammy’s room and kneeled by his bed like he did every night.

 

“So, did you have a good time at Jess’?”

 

“Yeah. I think she likes me. She kissed me on the cheek when I left.” Sam smiled.

 

“Way to go, Sammy! That’s great! You should ask her to the movies or something. I’ll even drive you,” he promised.

 

“Thanks, Dean.” Sam whispered.

 

Dean put his fingers on Sam’s face, moving his hair out of the way. He leaned down and kissed Sam on his forehead and stood up.

 

“Goodnight, Squirt.” Dean teased.

 

“Deeeaannnn. You know I hate it when you call me that!”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” he walked over to Sam’s doorway and turned off the nights. “I love you, Sammy.”

 

“I love you, too, Dean.”


	3. You Called

_**Saturday, April 13** _

 

Dean woke up early Saturday morning. He forgot to shut the blinds and a bright ray of sunshine seeped in through the windows and streamed over his eyes. His mom had already left for work. He rolled out of bed and grabbed his phone, putting it in his pocket. Dean peeked into Sam’s room and saw the outline of his long body, slowly rising and falling with each even breath. He smiled and shut the door so that he didn’t accidentally wake him up.

 

He stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Dean decided to make pancakes for breakfast before he called Cas, it was way too early. He was surely still asleep at seven AM on the weekend. He turned the stove on and put the pancake pan on the fire. He started mixing the ingredients together and poured four sticky circles onto the pan.

 

Dean flipped the pancakes and looked at his phone. 7:30. Still too early. He sighed and poured more mix onto the pan and waited for the pancakes to be ready to be turned. After eight pancakes were made, he shut off the stove and put the pan in the sink.

 

He poured a glass of milk and got the maple syrup out of the corner cabinet. He put four pancakes on his plate and set another plate aside for Sammy. Dean sat down at the kitchen table and poured the sticky syrup all over his pancakes. He took a long sip of his milk and sat back in his chair, pulling his knees up to his chest. He stared at the steaming plate of pancakes and thought about what time he should call Cas. He made the decision to call him at 11:00 before sitting back up and taking a big bite of his breakfast.

 

Clomped footsteps came down the stairs. A muffled yawn escaped Sam’s mouth before he sat down at the table next to Dean.

 

“Mornin’, Sunshine!” Dean beamed, suppressing laughter. The boy was draped in a blanket and his long hair was all out of place.

 

“How come you’re up so early? You usually sleep in until 10:00 on weekends if you don’t have work.” Sam took Dean’s fork and started eating the pancakes that he put in front of him. Dean rolled his eyes, getting up to get a new fork.

 

“The shade was up and the sun was in my eyes. That doesn’t explain why you’re up, though.” Dean continued eating his breakfast, though his left hand gripped his phone, turning it around in his hands.

 

“Waiting for a call?” Sam asked, smirking.

 

“No, I’m waiting _to_ call. I made a friend yesterday and he wants me to call him.” Dean looked up from his plate, ready for Sam to pound him with questions.

 

Sure enough, he was already sitting up straight and smiling bright. Dean sighed and let him go.

 

“What’s his name?”

 

“Castiel, but I call him Cas.”

 

“How old is he?”

 

“Same age as me.”

 

“Do you like him?”

 

“Yeah, he’s really great.” Dean smiled when he answered that question.

 

“Does he like you?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

“When are you gonna call him?”

 

“Later today. I’m going to ask him over.”

 

“Can I meet him?”

 

“Sure, Sammy.”

 

“What’s he look like?”

 

“He’s tall, with dark curly hair and bright blue eyes. He has a wing tattoo too and I really like it.”

 

“Is he nice?”

 

“Yeah, he was nice to me. He gave me his number, I didn’t have to ask for it.”

 

“Do you think he’ll like me?”

 

“Of course, Sammy. I know he’ll like you. Are you done asking questions? If he does want to come over, you can say ‘hi’ but, Sammy, please don’t say anything to embarrass me. I know I said I just met him yesterday, but I really like him. A lot. So I’m gonna go upstairs. Finish your pancakes and get dressed.” Dean ran up the stairs and into his room, shutting the door.

 

He pressed play on the stereo and started nodding his head to Led Zeppelin as it filled the room. Dean opened his closet door and started moving his way through his wardrobe. He didn’t even call Cas yet, and he was already looking for an outfit to wear. Dean picked through his abundant selection of flannels and jeans, settling on a red and brown flannel to be paired with dark wash jeans with no holes. He laid the clothes out on the bed and checked the clock.

 

9:45 AM.

 

He decided to wait another hour before he called Cas. He used that time to shower and shave, he had a little stubble and it made him look older.

 

As Dean washed his body, he wondered if Cas would even want to look at him once he saw that Dean had scars. Dean hated his body. He hated the scars. He wanted desperately to tell Cas what was wrong, why he hated himself, why he had scars. He was afraid of Cas rejecting him and throwing him away. Just like his dad. His father, who he deeply idolized and was ultimately humiliated by. Dean hated thinking about his dad, but he had come to realize that it was utterly unavoidable.

 

While he washed his hair, thoughts and memories of his father flooded his mind. When he’s haunted by his father, he doesn’t think about Cas. He’d rather think about Cas. He couldn’t.

 

Dean’s legs began to feel weak and shaky so he sat down on the shower floor, head between his knees. His shoulders started to shake and he felt his face get hot. The tears began to flow as he remembered the time he came out to his parents.

 

* * *

 

_“What do you mean you, ‘think you’re gay’?”_

 

 

_“John, please, relax. This isn’t a big deal. Dean, honey, thank you for opening up to us. We love you just the same.”_

 

 

_“Speak for yourself, Mary. No son of mine is turning into a faggot. You are a man! You are my son. And you will do as I say. And I say, you are not some homo.”_

 

 

_He spat at the word._

 

 

_“Dad-“_

 

 

_“Enough! Go to your room, Dean. Now. Not another word about this ‘gay’ business. Understand?”_

 

 

_Dean went upstairs but he could still hear his parents arguing._

 

 

_“John! There is absolutely nothing wrong with Dean. You’re drunk. I think you should go to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.”_

 

After that, all he could remember was the sound of his dad hitting his mom, her helpless cries, and the screeching of tires on tar. That was the last they heard from his father.

 

* * *

 

Dean lifted his head up and ran a hand through his light brown hair. He stood up slowly, breathing heavily. He shut the water off and stepped out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked up to the mirror, wiping away the steam on an area just big enough for his face. He covered his chin and cheeks in shaving cream and stared at himself in the mirror. He sighed heavily and began to shave.

 

Once he had cleaned up, he walked out of the bathroom considerably happy despite his half-mental breakdown a few minutes earlier.

 

Dean sat on his bed, towel still wrapped around him. It was 10:52 AM. He felt his face get hot and butterflies filled his stomach. He picked up his phone from his nightstand,turning off the stereo that had been playing music since he got upstairs from breakfast. He unlocked it and went straight to his contacts. Dean looked at the one named ‘Cas’ and smiled. He laid back with his head on his pillows and pressed the call button.

 

He didn’t have enough time to think about what to even say to Cas, he wished he’d think of something to ask him, because he picked up on the first ring.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Uh, yeah, hi, Cas,” Dean stuttered. It seemed like Cas was waiting for his call.

 

There was a relieved sigh on the other line. “You called.”

 

“Of course, I promised.” Dean’s heart skipped a beat. He liked that Cas wanted him to call. He felt more relaxed and confident.

 

“Listen, Dean, I just moved here and I don’t really know a lot of people and I was wondering if you wanted to maybe hang out but if you don’t want to then that’s fine I just thought maybe you wanted to be friends because we sort of got along yesterday and-“

 

“Hey, Cas?” he was actually sounding non-intimidated for the first time he’s talked to Cas.

 

“Yes, Dean?”

 

“I would love to be your friend.” Dean was beaming. Cas wanted him. He wanted to be friends. He wanted to see Dean again.

 

“Do you have plans to do something today? I wanted to see you again. We can do anything you want. Unless you are busy. Then perhaps another time.”

 

“I… uh-“

 

“Don’t worry about it, I get it.”

 

“Cas, no! I mean, yeah. Well, okay, I do want to see you today. Do you want to come over? We can have lunch or something. If you want.”

 

“Really? That would be wonderful. I am free all day so whenever you want.”

 

Dean was smiling through the whole conversation. He was staring at his feet and running his free hand through his hair. He needed to see Cas.

 

“What about now? I kind of want to spend a lot of time with you today. I mean, I want to get to know you better.”

 

“Yes, I can come over now, Dean. Text me your address and I will be right there.”

 

“Okay, Cas. I can’t wait. Bye.”

 

“Goodbye, Dean.”

 

He ended the call and sat up straight.

 

“Yes!” He kissed his phone before realizing he had to text Cas. He sent his address and when Cas replied with a ‘be there soon’, he turned the music back on.

 

The way that Cas was so proper when he spoke was adorable. From the way he looked, he expected Cas to be casual, and he was anything but.

 

Dean took his towel off and put on clean underwear and a gray v-neck undershirt. He took care in slipping on his flannel, buttoning the sleeves shut and leaving the front buttons open. He stepped into his jeans, content with what they concealed. Dean zipped and buttoned them, weaving his favorite brown leather belt into the waist.

 

He tucked his shirt in, making sure Cas couldn’t see any of the scars that ran up and down his hips and ribs. He ran into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, using a generous amount of toothpaste, and checked his hair in the mirror. The final touch was slipping the necklace on that Sammy gave to him for Christmas when they were little, its black leather string being weighed down by a bronze amulet.

 

He had barely put the necklace on his head when there was a knock on the door.

 

“I got it!” Dean yelled as he ran down the stairs. Sam was in the living room watching TV when Dean zoomed past.

 

“Is that him?” Sam asked.

 

Sammy had jumped up behind him and was standing straight up with his hands behind his back. Dean nodded and fumbled with his collar before carefully opening the door.

 

“Cas, you... got here fast,” Dean didn’t know what else to say. He was breathtaking. He was dressed in tight black skinny jeans, black low top converse, and a thin, dark blue tank top that made his eyes look even more incredible. He had a new piercing, a small silver loop around the left side of his lip. It looked like it belonged on him. “I mean, you look… good… great, really. Come in, please. This is my brother, Sammy.”

 

Dean shut the door behind Cas as he stepped inside, looking around.

 

“Hello,” Cas said, smiling shyly. He stuck his hand out to Sam and the younger Winchester took it, shaking it enthusiastically. “I am-“

 

“Cas, I know. Dean told me all about you yesterday.”

 

Dean elbowed Sam gently on the ribs. His face was bright red and he wished Sammy would just go to his room or something, anything to get him away from there.

 

“Did he now?” Cas looked up at Dean, grinning.

 

“Hey, Sam, don’t you have a report to do or something?”

 

Sam, getting the hint, slumped upstairs muttering something about being in his room if anyone needed him.

 

“So… hey, uhm, I’m glad you could come over.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Dean shuffled from side to side, nervousness getting the best of him. “We could go downstairs, or in my room, or we could go for a walk, or I could take you somewhere, anything you want.”

 

“Let’s go in the basement, but I might take you up on your offer to go for a walk later. If that’s okay.” Cas looked at the ground, obviously feeling awkward.

 

“Okay! Right this way.” Dean gestured, following Cas into the basement and shutting the door behind him.

 


	4. Very Good or Very Bad

_**Saturday, April 13** _

 

“Okay! Right this way.” Dean gestured, following Cas into the basement and shutting the door behind him.

 

Dean couldn’t believe how perfect Cas looked as he walked down the stairs in front of Dean. His hair was all out of place, but it looked amazing on him. From behind, Dean could see his wing tattoo more clearly, and it covered his whole back in charcoal feathers, beautifully astray. His back muscles rippled through his shirt and it was almost impossible for Dean not to reach out and touch his broad shoulders. When Cas reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned to look at Dean.

 

“Thank you for having me, Dean. I am glad I sat at the table you were at yesterday, or I might not have met you.”

 

Dean blushed furiously. “I’m glad you did, too.” He ducked his head trying to hide his flushed face and sat on the far side of the couch. He motioned for Cas to come sit, and Dean took notice that he chose to sit closer to Dean than the other side of the couch. Their knees barely touched through the rough fabric of their jeans.

 

“You know, we don’t live that far from each other. When you texted me your address this morning I realized that you were only a block away.” Cas leaned in closer to Dean. He could smell his cologne.

 

“I guess I’ll be seeing more of you around here then, Cas, if that’s okay.” Dean tried his best to act confident, but he was the most nervous he’d ever been.

 

Cas grinned, making Dean smile at the thought of him making Cas smile.

 

“So, tell me about yourself. I want to know all about Mr. Dean Winchester.”

 

Dean marveled at the way he was so casual at his house, only having been there for five minutes. He had his arm casually slung around the back of the couch, behind Dean. His tongue licked his piercing, somehow teasing him.

 

“I live with Sammy and my mom, I work at the local mechanic Monday through Thursday, I don’t like high school, and I’m really into your piercing and wing tattoo.” Dean couldn’t stop the last thing from coming out. He didn’t mean to say it, but he was glad that he did because this time Cas was the one who was blushing. “Now, please tell me about Mr. Castiel Novak.”

 

Cas laughed and looked down before staring straight into Dean’s soul with those gorgeous blue eyes. “I live with my brother, Gabriel, he is my legal guardian now, I just moved here, but am starting to like this school, you see, my science lab partner is the greatest, I have many tattoos and piercings, and I am really into your cute freckles and green candy apple eyes.”

 

Dean tried to look away to hide the blush creeping up on his cheeks but Cas’ eyes cemented him there.

 

“You… like my freckles?” Dean felt breathless, although he was breathing rapidly.

 

“Of course I do. I like a lot of things about you, Dean.”

 

“Do you mind showing me your tattoos and piercings? I want to know more about them.” Dean wanted to know about him in every way possible.

 

“Yes, of course. I got my eyebrow pierced when I was twelve, and decided to take the jewelry out because I didn’t want to make a bad impression at my new school. I’ve had my lip pierced but also didn’t wear the ring because I didn’t know if people would like it, but I wore it today to see if you would. I have my ears triple pierced,” Cas leaned in, showing him the three black studs in his right earlobe. “and that is all for piercings. I have four tattoos though,” Cas turned his forearm up, showing something in what looked like an ancient language.

 

“What does it say?” Dean asked, looking at the beautiful script.

 

“It says, ‘Everyone is an angel, and everyone has an angel’.”

 

Dean smiled, looking up at Cas. “I like that.”

 

Cas then lifted up his shirt just barely and shows Dean two feathers, one on each side of his waist. They were small, but detailed. Dean knew he was staring but he couldn’t help it. “I’m counting this as one. I got them for my parents who both died when I was six.” He let his shirt fall back down.

 

“Oh, Cas, I’m so sorry. That must have been really hard for you.” Dean knew what he felt, but it seemed that Cas didn’t really want to talk about it.

 

“It’s okay. I grew up with Gabriel, and he was the best brother I could have asked for. My third tattoo is on my hipbone,” Cas continued, pulling down his jeans on his right side about an inch, giving Dean a peak at his hard bones. “it’s a dream catcher. Gabriel kept one in my room because when I was little I would have bad nightmares. He would tell me that the dream catcher would make them go away. It mostly did. I only get them once in a while now.”

 

“It’s beautiful, Cas,” Dean breathed. _Just like you._ He wanted to reach out and touch it, let Cas know that he was there for him.

 

Cas brought his hand to the back of his neck and Dean saw his cheeks redden.

 

“My last one is the wings. I got them two months ago. These are my favorite.”

Dean bit his lip before asking “Can I see it?” He held his breath and waited for Cas to say something. He probably didn’t want to lift his shirt up all the way for someone he had met the day before.

 

“Anything you want, Dean.” Cas stood up and turned around. He toyed with the hems of his shirt until lifting the thin material up and over his head. Dean couldn’t hold back a gasp as Cas’ back muscles rippled. He dropped his shirt to the floor as Dean stood up. He stood directly behind him, amazed by the sheer beauty of the art engraved into his smooth skin. The black feathers met together in between his hard shoulder blades, curving down his spine. Dean wanted to run his hands down his back, touching him gently. The wings ran all the way down the top of his forearms, stopping at his wrist.

 

“Cas, it’s perfect. Really. I love these wings.” Dean walked in front of Cas to face him. Cas looked down, clearly embarrassed by Dean’s words. He tried to make eye contact with him, maybe show he was interested, but Cas was keeping his beautiful eyes on the wood floor. Dean, not knowing what else to do, bent down and picked up the shirt that Cas had just taken off. It was still warm from his body heat. Cas quickly snatched it from Dean and put it back on without hesitation.

 

“Sorry, I realize that you might not want some guy you just met with his shirt off in the basement.” Cas looked up, meeting Dean’s gaze.

 

“Hey, you’re not some guy anymore. We’re friends now, right?”

 

Cas hid his smile. “Right.” They sat back down on the couch more relaxed than before. Cas still leaned into Dean.

 

They talked about anything. School, Dean’s car, Sammy. Everything was going perfectly smooth from what Dean could tell. At around 1:00, they headed upstairs where Dean made them peanut butter and jelly. They talked and laughed at the kitchen table, sitting side by side.

 

“I really like your flannel, Dean. It looks good on you.”

 

Dean blushed yet again at another perfectly cute compliment that Cas gave him.

 

If only he knew what was under the shirt.

 

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean looked away, tugging at his sleeves.

 

“You know you’re supposed to roll those up, right?” he asked, reaching for the button on Dean’s flannel.

 

Dean pulled away roughly, standing up and pushing Cas, knocking his sandwich on the floor.

 

The look on Cas’ face made Dean want to run away. He looked hurt and rejected, and Dean didn’t know what to do to make him smile again.

 

“I-I’m sorry, Cas, I, just sorry. Here, you can have my sandwich. I don’t know what happened and I’m really sorry. Please, just, I don’t know. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Dean, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have just reached out and tried to touch you. Please stop apologizing. I get it if you don’t like to be touched. It’s totally cool. Really.” Cas said it like he meant it, but it didn’t make the sadness leave his expression. It was like he wanted Dean to _want_ him to touch him.

 

“Cas, no. I want you to touch me.” _God damn, Dean! He’s probably going to run away now that you basically told him you want to be with him. Way to go._ “I mean, shit-“

 

Cas shut Dean up by getting up from his chair, picking up the half eaten sandwiched and plate that were still on the floor, setting them back on the table, and standing directly in front of him. Dean noticed that he was taller than Cas, but only by an inch. His eyes moved down to Cas’ lips.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Yeah, Cas?” he breathed. They were no more than four inches away from each other and it would have been so easy for Dean to close the gap in between them with a kiss, but he held back, desperately trying to keep himself together.

 

“So, if you want me to, then why won’t you let me touch you?” Cas cocked his head and squinted his eyes like he was thoroughly confused about the whole situation.

 

Dean wanted, Hell, _needed_ , to tell him, but he wasn’t ready. Not yet, at least. “I promise I will tell you. I just don’t think I can do this right now.” Dean felt his face get hot and he didn’t realize he was crying until Cas reached a hand up to his cheek, brushing the tears away with his soft fingertips. Dean closed his eyes, savoring the touch.

 

“Is this okay, Dean?” Cas whispered. Dean nodded. That was the last straw. The simple gesture that let it all out.

 

Before Dean could collapse into tears, Cas pulled him into the living room by the elbow and sat him down on the couch. Dean tried to look away and get away from him. He really didn’t want Cas to see him like this on the first time they hung out. Now Cas knows that Dean isn’t okay.

 

“Cas…” Dean whispered through a sob, rubbing at his eyes.

 

“Shhhh, Dean, it’s going to be okay.” Cas leaned his head back against the arm of the couch and pulled Dean’s hand toward him. Dean let himself sink in between Cas’ legs, his head resting in the middle of Cas’ ribs. Cas held onto his hand, letting their intertwined fingers fall next to his own hip. Dean squeezed his hand tighter, afraid to let go. He buried his face in Cas’ shirt, staining it with his tears. Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair, softly reassuring him that everything will be okay. Dean didn’t want him to stop. His shoulders shook and he cursed at himself for doing this. He got to be with Cas alone and he ruined it. He was crying in front of him.

 

The funny thing was, Cas wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t telling Dean to man up and stop the tears. He was comforting him. Holding his hand. Running his long fingers through his hair. He made Dean feel safe.

 

Dean trembled against Cas’ chest, putting his free hand against Cas’ waist. He lifted his head up and finally looked into his eyes. He wanted to say something but he couldn’t. He had just cried his eyes out in front of someone that he didn’t really know. In front of _Cas._ He just looked into his beautiful blue eyes and sighed. Cas ran his hand down to Dean’s neck as he looked down at him. He moved his legs so that Dean’s hips fit right in between them.

 

Dean sat up and climbed back onto Cas, wiping at his cheeks for any leftover tears. He unfolded their hands and sat on Cas’ hips, straddling him, still looking deep into his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry. I should have been able to keep it together, right? I’m so sorry. You can go, if you want. I just don’t know.” Dean put his hand flat against Cas’ chest. He tied to push off of him and give him space, but Cas put his hand on Dean’s knee.

 

“But I don’t want to go. Do you want me to?” Cas looked at Dean with intent. He lifted his head off the couch and sat up, face close to Dean’s again. Of course he wanted Cas to stay.

 

“No, I don’t. I want you to stay with me.” Dean knew he was being selfish.

 

“Then, that is what I will do. Look, Dean, I don’t know what’s going on in your life right now and it’s fine if you don’t feel like telling me, but I want to be there for you. I want to help you get through this. Please let me help you.” Cas ran his fingers up slightly higher on Dean’s thigh. Dean put his hand over Cas’ and held it there.

 

Dean smiled. “Then stay.”

 

Cas wrapped his long arms around Dean’s narrow waist and squeezed him, pressing their chests together.

 

“I will, for as long as you want me.” Cas pulled back and let Dean rest his head on his shoulder. He slid his hands slowly down to Dean’s hips, letting them rest at the very top of his hip bones.

 

“Cas…” Dean whispered.

 

“Is this okay, Dean?” he asked, not wanting to make him uncomfortable.

 

Dean nodded, leaning into Cas’ ear as he spoke, “Cas, can I ask you a few questions?”

 

“Anything.” Cas rubbed circles on Dean’s waist with his thumbs, and the only thing Dean could think about is how good it felt to be touched like that by another person.

 

“Do you… I mean… are you, are you seeing someone? Like, do you have anybody?” Dean needed to know, but he didn’t want to hear that Cas has a girlfriend or boyfriend.

 

“I’m seeing you.”

 

“No, I mean-“

 

“Dean, I know what you mean. No, I’m not with anyone. Is that good?” he pressed their cheeks together. Dean’s hands found their way to the middle of Cas’ waist and forearm, stroking them gently.

 

Dean smiled wide. “It’s a very good thing. One more question. Why didn’t you walk away from me when I started crying? You laid down with me, you held me, you made me feel better. You could have just left. Why did you stay with me?” Dean squeezed Cas’ wrist, and put his forehead deeper into his shoulder. His legs wrapped around Cas, pulling him closer. Cas was being so sweet to him. It didn’t make any sense. He didn’t have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, for that matter, so maybe he liked Dean. If that were even possible. But he felt safe with Cas. He felt right, like he belonged with him. The little touches and feelings he got from him made him dizzy. It was a good feeling. Which meant it couldn’t last.

 

“Dean, I would never leave you like that. You needed someone. It might not have been me who you wanted, but I was there. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what you were thinking, but that’s okay. I’ll never be the person to walk away from you. Ever. I hope you know that. I know I haven’t known you for long but I already know that I want to spend time with you, no matter if you’re happy or sad, laughing or crying, because in the moments that you are upset or not feeling okay, I want to make you feel better. So don’t for a second think I would leave you just because you started crying.” Cas gripped his hips tighter, as if to say, _I’m not leaving._ Dean liked it.

 

“Oh, Cas, I don’t know what to say. Thank you. I mean…” Dean didn’t know. He didn’t know what to say to him. No words could express how he felt. He felt wanted, supported, comforted. “I mean I don’t know what I mean. You’ve been so good to me. I don’t deserve it.” He looked down.

 

Cas pulled his shoulder away and took Dean’s face in his hand.

 

“Please. Dean, you need to understand. You are worthy of everything. Don’t say that you are not. When I look at you, I see purity. You deserve the world. Let me show you.” Cas said, rubbing his temple. Cas leaned in. Dean thought their lips were going to touch until Cas put his mouth on Dean’s ear, whispering, “Now it’s my turn for the questions.”

 

Dean’s face turned bright red. “I’ll tell you everything,” he promised.

 

“Are _you_ , you know, with someone?” Cas pulled his head away and rested his forehead against Dean’s. He felt his hot breath on his lips and wanted a taste.

 

“No. I’ve never. Never _been with_ someone. Or even a date, for that matter.”

 

Cas looked surprised. “ _You?_ Dean Winchester? Have never been with a girl?”

 

After all this time, Cas still thought he was straight? He was straddling him with his hands around his waist for fuck’s sake! Dean sighed, pulling their foreheads apart. This could either get very good, or very bad after he breaks the news.

 

“Uh, Cas, actually, a boy. I’ve never been with a boy.”

 


	5. May I Be the First?

_**Saturday, April 13** _

 

“Uh, Cas, actually, a boy. I’ve never been with a boy.” Dean shut his eyes and braced himself for the worst.

 

Cas giggled. “You’re queer? No way!”

 

_What the fuck? Where is this going?_

 

“Cas…” Dean whined.

 

“Sorry, Dean, I… I guess I just pictured you as more of a ladies man.”

 

“Is that bad? You don’t have a problem with me do you?” Dean worried that Cas wouldn’t accept him.

 

Cas laughed, taking his hands away from Dean’s face and moved them down his neck, making him shiver. They tickled down his spine and hovered over the small of his back before settling on the back pockets of Dean’s jeans.

 

“No, babe, no problem here. I probably should have known. You are sitting in my lap, and I think that’s a little farther than completely heterosexual friends go.” Cas smiled wide.

 

_Babe? Since when did Cas call me babe?_

“Uh…” Dean stuttered. “Cas, you called me ‘babe’.”

 

“Yeah, is there a problem? I can just call you Dean....” his bright eyes sparkled up at Dean.

 

“I-I’m… I mean… no. No problem at all.” Dean whispered. Cas beamed. He was so thankful that his mom said it was okay for Cas to come over.

 

Dean suddenly remembered that he needed to clean up in the kitchen before his mom got home or she would be upset with him.

 

“I didn’t ask you my second question, yet, Dean.”

 

“Ask me in a minute? I have to clean up in the kitchen,” Dean said, uncurling his legs from Cas’ back and standing up straight. Cas let his hands drop to his sides as he stood up, too. Dean wanted Cas’ hands to be on his body again, but he didn’t want him to get too close to seeing or feeling his scars. He almost saw them in the kitchen, and Dean didn’t know what he would have done. For Cas to find out like that would be unfair to him, and maybe ruin their… relationship? Dean didn’t know what it was.

 

Cas liked that he was gay, and he thought he was going to kiss him, but then he turned away. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe he didn’t really like Dean. But what if he did? Dean liked Cas. A lot. He’d never been on a date with anyone. Some girls had asked him out and a senior named Alastair tried to get him in bed at the only party he had been to, but Dean never liked any of them back. He tried to get the memory of Alastair out of his head. He never wanted to share anything with him. Dean tried to forget that it didn't happen. He wanted his first kiss to be with Cas.

 

They walked together into the kitchen as Dean bent down with a wet washcloth to clean up the peanut butter and jelly that was stuck on the floor from Dean’s incident. He put the bread away and threw their leftover sandwiches in the trash. When Dean nodded his head that he was done in the kitchen, Cas took his hand and led him downstairs again. Dean liked the way Cas’ warm, slender fingers felt on his calloused hand.

 

They sat back down on the couch, Dean lifting Cas into his lap, letting him straddle him like before, but only Dean was on the bottom. His hands stayed on Cas’ knees, while Cas gently rested his arms around Dean’s neck.

 

“I like sitting with you, like this.” Cas smirked.

 

“What do you mean when you say that?”

 

“I do not understand the question, Dean.”

 

He sighed heavily, not really wanting to explain.

 

“Cas, are you… you know?” Dean tried to ask him if he was gay. Again, Cas _was_ straddling his hips and his arms are wrapped around his neck. He was probably thinking the same thing that he was when Cas asked him the same question.

 

“You mean, am I gay?” Dean swore he saw Cas move closer. His blue eyes widened.

 

“Y-y-you don’t have to answer me if-”

 

“Dean, no, it’s okay. I asked you the same question. I’m bisexual.”

 

“Oh, so you like girls, _and guys_?” Dean was relieved. Him and Cas still had a chance.

 

“Yeah, but there’s this one guy I’ve got my eye on.” Dean’s heart sank. He looked away from Cas’ eyes and down into the space between their chests.

 

“Oh…” Dean mumbled. _I guess we really don’t have a chance._

 

“He’s really great. I think you’d like him,” Cas started. _Oh, great. Now I get to hear about some guy that Cas wants to be with. Some guy that isn’t me._ “he’s tall, tan, with light brown hair. He has these perfect eyebrows that go with his eyes.”

 

“Cas, I’m happy for you, but I don’t think I really want to know this guy.”

 

“Just wait, Dean. He’s also got these big calloused hands that feel good when you hold them,” Cas took one of Deans hands away from his waist and ran it over his palm. “and these cute little freckles all over his cheeks and nose,” his moved his other hand to cup Dean’s jaw and rub circles on his cheeks with his thumb. Dean leaned into his touch. “and these beautiful, breathtaking candy apple green eyes that make me dizzy every time I look at them.” Cas ran the back of his hand from Dean’s forehead, all the way down to his collarbones. Finally, Dean understood.

 

“Oh,” he breathed. His smile was from ear to ear as Cas moved a little bit closer. Their foreheads melted together once more.

 

“I never asked my second question,” he whispered, sending chills down Dean’s spine. They were so close.

 

“Ask away.” Dean's breathing was shallow. Cas’ lips were no more than an inch away from his own.

 

“Have you ever been kissed?” Cas placed both his hands on Dean’s hips as Dean’s fingers inched slowly upwards on Cas’ thighs. He gripped them tight and sighed. He might as well let Cas know how much of a complete virgin in every way he his.

 

“No, nobody has ever kissed me. I don’t think anyone’s ever wanted to.” He closed his eyes, half expecting Cas to back away, laughing at him for being a junior in high school and never getting to first base.

 

“I hardly think that is true, Dean.”

 

“Well, you’d better start believing because I’m seventeen and nobody has ever kissed me, or seemed like they wanted to.” Dean left out the part about Alastair. He didn’t like thinking about it, let alone talking about it.

 

There was comfortable silence until Cas took both of Dean’s hands in his own, gently lacing them together and dropping the pairs of fingers on either side of their legs. His soft blue eyes looked straight into Dean’s. He looked nervous, but also like he wanted to say something important.

 

_Oh, God, Cas, kiss me._

 

“Dean, do you trust me?” Dean felt Cas’ cool breath ghost over his lips.

 

_Kiss me, please._

“Of course, Cas.” His heart was beating a million times a minute.

 

_Are you going to kiss me?_

 

“You know I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable intentionally, right?”

 

“Yeah, Cas, I know.”

 

_I want you to kiss me._

 

“Will you promise to tell me if I do?”

 

_Just do it already._

 

“I promise.”

 

_If you kiss me._

 

“So, may I be the first?”

 


	6. I do Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm at a national track meet this weekend through Wednesday so my update won't be for a little longer. I don't have time to write! Sorry guys, I'll try to update when I can....

**_Saturday, April 13_ **

 

“So, may I be the first?”

 

“The first?” Dean asked.

 

_Your first kiss, genius._

 

“The first boy to kiss you. Or girl.”

 

Dean’s breath hitched.

 

_He said it. He wants me. Say Y-E-S._

 

Cas wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him back. A lot. He couldn’t help but wonder why Cas wanted him.

 

_Kiss him, Dean. He likes you._

_But, he doesn’t know the real you. He doesn’t know that you’re unwanted and broken and abused. He won’t want a cracked toy. He’ll regret that he ever kissed you if he does, liked you, touched you in the first place. Regret giving you his number in class. He deserves more._

_Kiss him. You want it. Do something for yourself._

_Don’t be selfish._

_Kiss him, Dean._

“Dean?” Cas whispered softly.

 

Dean realized he had been thinking about it for a little too long. He nodded and saw a faint smile creep up in the corners of Cas’ mouth.

 

He gripped Dean’s fingers tighter and slowly closed the small gap between them, brushing their noses together. Cas leaned in slightly more until his lip ring grazed Dean’s bottom lip.

 

Dean couldn’t take it. He wanted Cas. All of him. He gasped, taking in Cas’ breath and finally letting their lips meet. Cas’ thick lips were gently taking control, and Dean let them.  It was chaste and slow, but he liked it and Dean let his eyes flutter shut. He pressed into Cas a little, chests connecting.

 

Dean didn’t want it to stop.

 

He loved the way the cool metal of his piercing felt on his lips. He loved that it was sweet, that Cas was being gentle.

 

Their kiss may have only lasted a few seconds, but Dean felt like he was in heaven, and this was his angel. When they broke apart, Cas leaned back, giving him some space. When Dean opened his eyes, he saw Cas looking back at him with a shy expression, making him smile.

 

“Was that okay?” Cas’ eyebrows moved into a concerned expression.

 

Dean licked his lips and pulled Cas off of him, both of them standing up. Cas immediately brought Dean’s body close to his.

 

Dean looked at the floor, staring at Cas’ converse and his own bare feet.

 

“Cas, it was perfect.” Dean felt so comfortable with him. He felt like he could say what he had always wanted to hold back.

 

They smiled at each other, Dean tightening his grip on Cas’ waist.

 

“Well, now that you have officially had your first kiss, I should head home. Gabriel made me promise I’d come home before dinner.”

 

Dean checked the clock on the wall. 5:15 PM. Dean couldn’t believe they spent the whole day together and it felt like an hour.

 

“Oh…” he let his head hang. Cas had just taken his first kiss and now he wanted to leave. Perfect. He probably just wanted him to have the experience.

 

“Dean, please, I want to stay with you, believe me. I would stay all night if I could but Gabriel is in charge of me and I don’t want to make him upset with me. Don’t be sad, I'm not leaving you.”

 

Cas lifted Dean’s chin up and kissed his cheek softly.

 

“Can I walk you home?” Dean wanted to see where he lived so he would know how to get there if Cas invited him over, and spend just a few more minutes with him.

 

“I’d love it if you did.” Cas smiled a gummy smile and took Dean’s hand.

 

They walked up the stairs together and Dean realized that he didn’t have any shoes on.

 

“Wait here, I’m going to get my boots,” Dean said as he let go of Cas’ hand and ran up a second flight of stairs and into his room. He opened one of his drawers and reached for a pair of socks, quickly slipping them on. He grabbed his black boots by the door and walked into Sammy’s room. “I’m walking Cas home, I’ll be back in a few, okay?”

 

Sam turned his head up from some book about Greek mythology and gave Dean a cocky grin. What a nerd. “Okay, Dean.”

 

“Later, Sammy!” he sang as he bounced back down the stairs and sat on the couch, trying to lace his shoes up hurriedly. When he was finished, he stood up, sighing. He wouldn’t get to see Cas until Monday, in class.

 

_As long as I get to see him at all._

“Is something wrong?” Cas asked, concerned. He opened the front door and stepped out, waiting for Dean.

 

“No, I just, I’m really glad you came over,” he said as he walked outside and softly closed the door behind him.

 

“Me, too.” Cas laughed, looking into Dean’s eyes. Dean gave him a genuine smile, something that he hadn’t been doing very often.

 

“Lead the way,” he said, gesturing to the street.

 

They strolled down the sidewalk, shoulder to shoulder. The back of Dean’s hand kept brushing Cas’, but he didn’t know if it was okay to hold it. Cas might not want to be seen with Dean in public.

 

“Dean, have you told your family that you’re…I mean… are you out yet?” Cas was looking at the ground while they were walking.

 

“Yeah, my mom and Sammy don't really care at all. They're okay with it. H-have you?” he pressed. He liked Cas. After two days of being in his presence, Dean wanted to be able to hold his hand, kiss him and touch him in public. But not if he didn’t want to.

 

“I told Gabriel about two years ago. He’s really all the family that I have. He just wants me to be happy. So, I guess I have.”

 

Cas’ left hand connected with Dean’s right as he intertwined their fingers, arms swinging in between them. He leaned into Cas’ shoulder. They walked in silence until after turning a few streets over, arriving at his house. It was rather large and extravagant for it just being Cas and his brother living there. Dean walked him to his doorstep, turning from the fancy wooden door frame to face those beautiful blue eyes.

 

“Can I see you again?” Dean asked. He knew they would at school, but he wanted to spend more alone time with him.

 

“Outside of class, you mean?”

 

Dean nodded nervously as Cas pulled him closer by his hips.

 

“Yes, I would like that very much. I do not know if this was clear or not, but I like you, Dean.”

 

He breathed a sigh of relief. He thought Cas could like him, but he also might have just kissed Dean because he wanted him to have a good first kiss, or because he felt bad, or just wanted to be with someone for the day.

 

“I do, now.”

 

“Dean Winchester, you baffle me. I made it so, very, _obvious_!”

 

“I… I don’t know… I mean, I sort of thought it was too good to be true.”

 

Cas stared, open mouthed at him, dropping his hands from Dean’s hips.

 

“But, you like me, too, right, Dean? I’m not imagining this? I know we kissed but-” he sounded panicked.

 

“Come on, Cas! Look at you! When I sat down by you in class I could hardly breathe. Your stupid, perfect blue eyes and stupid messy hair and your voice and lips and everything! Then, I actually started talking to you and you were so nice and you made me feel so good and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” His voice started out strong but he ended in a whisper.

 

Cas reached up to grab the back of Dean’s neck and kissed him once more. It was fast and firm but just as sweet as the first one. His fingers smoothed over Dean’s chest and ran down to his waist, his hand on the inside if Dean’s flannel but on the outside of his T-shirt.

 

“Text me tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, and I still owe you that walk.” Dean blushed, turning to walk home as Cas stepped inside, nodding and smiling back at Dean. He lifted his arm in a little wave as Cas shut the door behind him.

 

Dean skipped home feeling lighter than air. He went through his nightly task of making dinner and said hello to his mom, still high off of Cas’ kiss. The evening went by in a blur and before Dean knew it, he was kissing Sammy goodnight and turning off his lights.

 

Dean went to bed at 10:45 PM, slipping into his long pajamas and not caring about how early it was for the weekend. He just wanted to wake up so he could text Cas the next day.

 

* * *

 

                           

That was the first night that Dean Winchester fell asleep without thinking about how much he hated himself in four years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been thinking about doing a chapter where you have more background about what Dean is going through and feeling, maybe where he has a nightmare about it or a flashback to the night with him and Alastair. Thoughts?


	7. Pick You Up at Eight

_**Sunday, April 14** _

 

Dean slept in late, Sammy waking him up at 11:00.

 

”Dean! Come on, wake up. You’ve been asleep for forever.” Sammy was looking down at him, his long hair clouding his face.

 

He waved Sam out of his room and rolled out of bed, rubbing his eyes. Wandering down into the kitchen, he realized that he didn’t go grocery shopping the day before. Sammy had eaten the last egg. Dean trudged upstairs and back into his room, getting dressed quickly in his usual jeans-and-a-flannel look. He grabbed his wallet and keys and slumped downstairs again, trying to shrug off the tired.

 

“Heya, Sammy, I’m going grocery shopping. Want to come with?”

 

“Sure, Dean.”

 

They walked into the garage and Dean marveled at how good she looked. He whistled as he opened her jet black car door and climbed inside.

 

“Dean, I think it’s weird how much you love this car.”

 

“Shut up, Sammy, she’s a beauty.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

They pulled out of their driveway, Dean tuning the radio to his favorite classic rock station. A few minutes later, they pulled into the parking lot of the local grocery store.

 

Dean let Sammy pick whatever he wanted, resulting in a cart full of fruits and vegetables. They picked up cereal and milk, toaster waffles, and a carton of eggs. He also got crackers and snacks for Sam for when he has soccer practice.

 

They checked out quickly, Dean wincing every time something rang up. His mom gave him money for food but it was almost always not enough. He didn’t want Sammy to have to go to bed hungry, like all the nights he went without dinner because his father was punishing him. He handed the cashier his money and took the receipt, picking up the plastic bags filled with their food for the next three weeks. Sam trailed behind him, stumbling over himself. They walked out of the mart in silence and loaded the trunk of Dean’s Chevy with their haul. As soon as Sam and Dean got in the car, Sam pounded him with questions, like always, about Cas.

 

“So, how was your ‘date’?”

 

Dean sighed as he started her engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

 

“It wasn’t a date…” Dean hesitated before adding, “but it was awesome.”

 

“Good. I’m happy for you, Dean.”

 

“Really? Thanks, Sammy.” he ruffled Sam’s long hair playfully.

 

“So… does he like you?”

 

“Come on, Sam,”

 

“You obviously have a huge crush on him. I’m assuming you can guess if he likes you.”

 

Dean tried to turn the music up before Sam caught his hand and gave him one of the bitchiest bitch faces he’s ever seen.

 

“Okay, okay. He told me he likes me. Happy?” Dean couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

 

“Very. Is he your boyfriend now?”

 

Sam brought up a good point. Was Cas his boyfriend? He had never been in a relationship before.

 

“It’s complicated. Why don’t you tell me about you and that girl, Jess, right?”

 

Sam smiled at her name. He started fidgeting and Dean laughed at how much he clearly liked her.

 

“Can she come over after school tomorrow? You won’t have to pick us up we can walk home.” he looked at Dean expectantly.

 

“Sure, Sammy.”

 

He went on talking about how great Jess was. Dean just smiled as he pulled into the driveway. Sammy was definitely crazy about her. They stepped out of the Impala once Dean parked it in the garage and picked up the groceries from the backseat.

 

“I think I’m gonna ask her to be my girlfriend,” he mumbled under his too long mane of chestnut colored hair.

 

“Go for it, Sam!” he exclaimed. He wanted Sammy to have what he couldn’t. Sam wrapped his plastic bag filled arms around Dean and leaned into his chest.

 

“You’re the best brother ever, Dean!” he said, pulling away from him and setting the food on the table. He ran into his room and Dean knew he was going to text her right now. He chuckled under his breath and put the groceries away, making himself a quick lunch since he skipped breakfast that morning.

 

Dean wandered down into the basement, curling up into a corner of the couch and turning the TV on. He flipped through the channels until he found a rerun of Dr. Sexy.

 

Dean suddenly remembered that he promised Cas that he would text him. It was nearing 3:45 and he hoped Cas didn’t think that he forgot about him.

 

He took out his phone and let his thumbs hover over the message.

 

He couldn’t decide whether or not to ask Cas something or just say hello. He chose to just send him a ‘hey Cas’ and wait for him to lead the conversation.

 

Not long after, he responded.

 

**C: Hello, Dean**

**D: Sorry it took so long. I was out with Sammy**

**C: That’s quite alright. How are you?**

Dean thought about his question for a moment before answering. He decided to go with the easiest answer.

 

**D: I’m okay.**

_I’m sad and depressed but also happy and grateful for you but I don’t feel like that all the time and I don’t want to feel bad but I do and I want to come over and kiss you but I don’t know what to say and I need help._

He wanted to say what he felt but he didn’t know what that was or how to put it in words.

**C: That doesn’t sound too convincing. Is something wrong?**

**D: No I’m fine.**

**C: Is it about yesterday? If I stepped over a boundary please tell me.**

**D: No, don’t think that. Yesterday was perfect. Except for when I was crying on you.**

**C: Good because I didn’t know if I would be able to stay away from you. But I am a little worried about you.**

**D: Don’t be. I’ll be okay.**

**C: Dean.**

**D: I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I promise, just not right now.**

**C: I didn’t mean it like that, don’t tell me anything if you’re not ready.**

**D: I want to. Soon.**

**C: Can you come over? Gabriel isn’t home and I want to see you. We don’t have to talk about anything serious.**

Dean wanted to see him. He didn’t really want to talk, either. He wanted to hold Cas’ hand and kiss his cheeks.

 

**D: On my way.**

Dean went upstairs to find Sam sitting on the living room floor with his phone out, smiling softly at something on the screen.

 

He ran up another flight of stairs and into the bathroom. Dean brushed his teeth and fixed his hair, straightening his collar as he looked in the mirror. Wandering into his room, he pulled on his shoes and straightened up, playing with his necklace.

 

He trotted down the stairs to find Sam in the same position he had been in.

 

“Sammy, I’m going over to Cas’. I don’t know when I’ll be back so you can figure something out for dinner. I think we got some chicken nuggets and stuff so whatever you want.”

 

Sam looked up at Dean and gave him a sly smile.

 

“Okay, and Dean?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Have fun.”

 

“Thanks, bitch.”

 

“Jerk!”

 

Dean stepped outside, laughing. He took his time, walking slowly in the street.

 

 _I’m going to Cas’ house. He_ invited _me. And nobody is home. What if he wants to do more than kiss? He won’t. Will he?_

He twisted his way around the block and saw Cas sitting out in his front yard, curled up in a shaded porch swing. He was buried in a book that Dean had never heard of, swaying back and forth. Cas didn’t look up until Dean stepped onto the porch and cleared his throat.

 

“Hello, Dean.” He said the words with a beam. Cas closed his book and stood to meet him.

 

“Hey, Cas.”

 

Dean took a moment to take him in. He had a serious case of sex hair and it drove him crazy. Cas’ body was lost in a black, oversized sweater that contrasted perfectly with his light skin. His jeans were loose fitting as the belt went tightly around his natural waist. Dean saw they were cuffed at the ankle as he stood barefoot in front of him.

 

“Jeans and a flannel? Is that all you own?” Cas asked, jokingly.

 

“Basically. But I _was_ wearing a sweater when we met. Disappointed?”

 

“Not in the slightest.”

 

Cas took Dean’s hand, leaning in close to kiss his jaw, his cheek, and nose before planting his full lips on his in a long, sweet kiss.

 

_His lips feel so good. Just be with him until you tell him your secret._

“I missed you,” Cas whispered against his chest. Dean held onto his fingers tighter. “I barely slept. I’ve been thinking of you ever since we said goodbye yesterday.”

 

“Oh Cas,” Dean breathed. His free hand snaked around and gripped Cas’ waist.

 

“Wanna come inside?” Cas pressed his body up against Dean’s. He nodded enthusiastically and couldn’t help but smile when Cas opened the beautiful front door. He tugged him inside and Dean blushed when Cas pulled him close again. Dean took in Cas’ home. It was beautiful. He expected to see unpacked boxes and unfinished walls but everything was well done and _perfect._ The whole front living room was clean white and it was furnished with rich woods. There was a deep brown leather couch that sat in the corner with an auburn blanket draped around the arm.

 

“This place is insane,” he marveled.

 

“Thanks, it’s all Gabriel. I like your home much better, it’s cozier.”

 

“My house? Cas, you live in a palace. Where is Gabriel, anyways?”

 

“He’s away on a business trip.”

 

“So we’re alone?”

 

“Until tomorrow night.” Cas put his arm around Dean’s waist and let Dean rest his hand on his shoulders.

 

“Too bad we have school. I’d love to spend another day with you.”

 

Cas ducked out of Dean’s arm and leaned up against him again.

 

“Too bad,” he grinned, pressing his soft, pink lips to Dean’s neck, making a moan slip out of his mouth.

 

“Oh, baby,” Dean closed his eyes as Cas continued to suck a mark into his throat. He pushed Dean against the door and grabbed his hips firmly. Dean was overwhelmed by the amount of contact Cas was giving him. He had never been kissed like that or touched like that. It was so gentle, yet desperate at the same time.

 

“You like that?” He nuzzled into Dean’s neck and started to unbutton the top of his flannel. He let Cas undo it all the way, but he made sure he was still covered by his undershirt.

 

“Y-yeah, _yes_ , please don’t stop,” Dean pleaded.

 

Cas pulled him in by his shirt for a long, deep kiss. Dean’s lips parted and he took in Cas’ tongue, tasting him. They leaned into each other, chests connecting.

 

When they broke apart, Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’, breathing hard.

 

“Come with me,” Cas led him by the hand up a flight of spiraling steps. At the top, there was a long hallway that led into many different rooms. They walked into the one on the end.

 

“Is this your room?” he asked.

 

“Yes,” Cas replied.

 

The walls were a pale blue and off-white and everything seemed to blend into each other. There was a clean desk up against the wall with books overflowing from it. A massive sliding glass door on the left side of the room let the sunlight in and opened up to a small balcony. On the right side of the room was a white wooden door half open revealing Cas’ own bathroom.

 

“I’m officially jealous of you.”

 

Cas laughed at that, and took Dean with him to lay down on his bed. They faced each other, propping their heads up with their elbows.

 

“You are a wonder, Dean Winchester.”

 

“Cas…” Dean rolled his eyes. It made him a little uncomfortable to be looked at in awe.

 

“Dean, why do you get like that when I tell you I like your eyes or that you look good?”

 

“Like what?” he asked, pretending not to know.

 

“Shrugging it off, turning away. Like you think I’m not being sincere.” Cas stared straight into his eyes.

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never been treated this way and I don’t know what to say. This is all new to me.” Dean took a breath. He didn’t want Cas to realize that he was unwanted and unloved.

 

“Get used to it, Dean. I plan on treating you right for a long time. Don’t think you’re not worth it, either. You are. You are worth everything you can get.”

 

“But-“ Dean tried to object.

“Shhh, babe, I want to make you see what I see.” Cas sat up straight, cross legged, pulling Dean with him. He took Deans hand, and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss on his temple. “Your eyes are so beautiful,” he planted a kiss on Dean’s nose, “your freckles are like faint little constellations,” a kiss on Dean’s cheek, “I love it when you blush,” a kiss on his temple, “and when you smile,” a kiss on his chin, “and I love it when we kiss.” Cas ended it with a chaste kiss on Dean’s lips.

 

Dean couldn’t help but blush. He let go of Cas’ hands and pushed him into his back. He climbed on top of him, letting Cas rest his palms on Dean’s lower back. Dean ran a hand through Cas’ unkempt hair.

 

_I like Cas. And he likes me, too. Does that make him my boyfriend?_

“Cas?”

 

“Yes, Dean?”

 

“I know we said we wouldn’t talk too much, but I need to ask you something.”

 

“Anything.”

 

“What is this? You know I like you, and I know you like me. So are you my boyfriend now? Or do you not want to be my boyfriend?”

 

Dean’s heart sped up, waiting for his response. He wanted to be his boyfriend. He wanted to be a couple.

 

“Dean, I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to be mine exclusively. To make it official, will you, Dean Winchester, go out on a date with me?”

 

“Yes.” Dean didn’t know what else to say.

 

“When are you free this week?”

 

He thought about it, and he realized he had work every day except Friday, and he couldn’t wait that long.

 

“I have work every day until 6:30-“

 

“Great. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 8.”


	8. You Look Cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some more fluff and Dean insecurities. The plot will develop in the next few chapters, I promise! Enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> (Comments are greatly appreciated, I love hearing what you all have to say!)

_**Sunday, April 14** _

 

“I have work every day until 6:30-“

 

“Great. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 8.”

 

“Awesome.” Dean whispered. Cas beamed.

 

Dean felt his blush go all the way down his neck. He kissed Cas’ jaw and ran his lips down his neck to his sharp collarbones. He pulled at Cas’ sweater to expose more of his soft skin. Dean wanted to feel him. All of him. He wrapped his arms around his waist, tugging Cas closer to him. His calloused hands felt inside of Cas’ sweater, gently ghosting over the high waistband of his jeans and feeling every rib.

 

“Dean…” Cas moaned. He slowly sat up so Dean was straddling him. Dean’s fingers were still buried under his thick sweater, gripping Cas’ strong back. Their foreheads rested together.

 

“I can’t get enough of you, Cas.” When he pressed their lips together, he felt Cas’ smile.

 

“Dean, let’s go for a walk.”

 

Dean swung his legs off of Cas’ hips. “Okay, but I’ll miss being on you.” Cas laughed and pressed a light kiss to Dean’s nose.

 

They bounced down the spiral staircase, stopping at the door to kiss again. Cas fumbled for the doorknob and pulled Dean outside with him. He glanced up at the sky, noticing that it was heavily clouded. Walking off the porch, they shuffled to the sidewalk. Dean grazed his fingers down Cas’ arm, stopping at his wrist before taking his hand. They glanced at each other before blushing and looking away.

 

Dean thought about Cas. About what he wanted to say to him. How would he even start that conversation? _‘Hey, Cas, I have severe depression and really low self-esteem. I used to cut myself every night but now I only do it when I have really bad days. Still want to kiss me?’_ No. Not an option. Maybe he could show him. Tell him a story about it. Maybe he should just tell Cas how he feels.

 

_Maybe. But not today._

“Cas?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I just wanted to say that I like you.”

 

“I think you’ve made that clear, Dean.” Cas squeezed his hand.

 

“I guess, but I really like you. A lot. I mean, more than I thought I would for just a few days.”

 

“I do, too.”

 

“But, I have one question.”

 

“Ask me anything, Dean.”

 

Their intertwined fingers swung lightly in between them. Dean took a breath before asking, “What are we going to do tomorrow? I don’t want to hide this. If you want to for a while then that’s fine but I’m okay with being out. I’d rather be able to be with you all day, though.”

 

Cas chuckled and stopped walking, yanking Dean’s arm back.

 

“Dean, as long as you don’t care, I don’t care. Let’s be a couple. I want to. Plus that means I can hold your hand and kiss you in the hallway.”

 

“Okay, Cas.” Dean smiled and looked deep into his eyes, unable to glance away. He leaned in slowly, pressing a small kiss to the top of Cas’ forehead.

 

They gripped the others’ hand tighter and kept walking.

 

“Where are we going?” Dean asked.

 

“The park. Is that okay?”

 

“Anything is okay.”

 

They walked in silence a while longer until arriving at the neighborhood playground. They took swings next to each other, still holding hands.

 

Cas looked up at Dean, smiling. “Do you want to talk?” he asked, running his thumb along the side of Dean’s hand.

 

“About what?” He didn’t want to talk about anything serious, about himself, for that matter. Dean didn’t want to tell his secret yet. He would wait until he got more comfortable with him. Maybe next week. Or the next night on their date. When he was ready. He dug his heels into the mulch, exposing the dirt underneath.

 

“About anything. Nothing. Everything. Or not at all. I could just kiss you all over. Whatever works.”

 

“Both?” Dean did want to talk. But he wanted to be kissed and he wanted to run his lips all over Cas’ body.

 

Cas smiled at him and stood up, pulling Dean up from the playground swing by the hand.

 

“I can do that.” Cas whispered. He led Dean over to the raised platform that was the main part of the park. It was a flat base that went to a big slide, two smaller ones, and a rock climbing wall. Dean climbed up the short ladder and sat on the edge, legs dangling off. Cas let go of his hand and ran his long fingers up Dean’s thighs, grabbing his hips. He pushed Dean flat on his back and climbed on top of him with his legs on either side of him.

 

“Cas,” Dean started. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. Nothing really. He gasped when Cas started running his soft lips down his neck, barely kissing, barely touching. It sent shivers down Dean’s spine.

 

“I’m learning a lot about you.” Cas breathed his words into Dean’s ear, biting down gently.

 

“Like what?” Dean moaned, trying not to cry out. He liked being touched like that. He felt good, wanted. It was a new feeling.

 

“How you like to be touched,” he gripped Dean’s waist, “kissed,” he gently pressed his lips to the corner of his mouth, ”bitten,” he lightly nipped at his neck, tickling Dean with his lip piercing, “and played with.”

 

“Oh God,” Dean groaned into Cas. “Kiss me already.”

 

Cas licked up to Dean’s mouth and sucked on his bottom lip. Dean pulled Cas closer, grinding their hips together. He felt himself get a little hard from the friction. Finally, Cas took Dean into a deep kiss, their tongues connecting and lips crushing together. Dean closed his eyes shut, breathing him in. He wrapped his arms around Cas’ back, lifting his sweater up and weaving his fingers into his belt loops.

 

“Dean?” Cas said, once they broke apart.

 

“Yeah, baby?” Dean kissed up the side of his face when Cas smiled at the name.

 

“Is this… is this relationship, or whatever it is….” Cas licked his lips.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I think we might be going a little fast. For now. Maybe we should slow down and take our time.” He bit his lip, waiting for Dean’s response.

 

_Maybe he’s right. This is your first boyfriend._

_Maybe he just doesn’t want to kiss you anymore._

_He could want to just take things slow._

_He could want to just end it before it gets more intense._

“Oh, uhm, okay, if that’s what you want.” Dean tried not to look hurt but he couldn’t help it. When he turned his face to the side, a cold drop of water landed on his cheek. Cas wiped it away with his thumb. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. It wasn’t like he needed to sleep with Cas anytime soon, considering his scars and everything, but he liked being touched and kissed like that. Plus, he thought Cas wanted to be with him.

 

“No, Dean, baby, I didn’t mean it like that,” Cas shifted off of him, Dean sitting up with him. He sat against the red plastic wall, crossing his legs and pulling Dean into his lap so that the Winchester’s long legs were wrapped around him. More raindrops landed on their foreheads. “I like this. I like kissing you and touching you but I know that this is your first relationship and I just want to take things slow and do it right, for once. And don’t for a minute think that I’m having second thoughts about you. I just don’t want to rush into this. You’re starting to really mean a lot to me, considering we just met. I want to keep things nice and steady.” Cas rested his hands around Dean’s shoulders and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, making Dean hug him closer.

 

He didn’t know what to say. Cas was right. They were going a little fast, but he liked it. It felt good.

 

“Please don’t be upset, baby, I just want to make sure you’re okay with…” he gestured between them, “this. I’m still confused about yesterday. Why when I touched your arm you weren’t okay with it, but you’re okay with me kissing you. You’ll tell me what’s wrong when you’re ready. I’m fine with that. But know that I want to stay with you. I want you to trust me. Really.” Cas kissed Dean’s cheek.

 

Dean sighed and buried his face into Cas’ chest.

 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I like you, a lot, and it’s a good idea to go slow. You’re right.” Dean looked up at Cas.

 

Cas smiled and kissed Dean. It was chaste and short but it meant a lot to him.

 

The sky groaned, and the little raindrops came faster.

 

“Thank you, Dean.”

 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Dean felt Cas’ stomach rumble and he laughed, pressing his hand against his flat, thin stomach.

 

“Hungry?” he asked.

 

“A little,” Cas looked down shyly. “Let’s walk back to my place. I’ll make us something to eat. It’s starting to rain anyway.” He pointed to the sky.

 

Dean gave him one last kiss before getting off of Cas’ lap and helped him up. They jumped off the platform and onto the mulch. By then the water was coming down a little harder and Dean’s shoulders were wet. He glanced at Cas and ran a hand through his messy, wet, dark hair.

 

“Dean!” he complained.

 

Dean just laughed and took his hand. The walk took longer, as they stopped to kiss every few steps. The rain came down harder, soaking their clothes. They laughed all the way home, splashing in puddles together and messing up each other’s wet hair. Before long, the steady rain turned into an all out downpour, completely drenching them to their skin.

 

When they arrived at Cas’ house, dripping wet, they took off their shoes and wet socks and tried to dry off by the front door. Cas stripped off his soaked sweater, exposing his tattoos and perfect skin. He rolled his eyes at Dean when he caught him staring.

 

“Come on, Dean. Let’s dry off.” They ran upstairs and Cas threw his sweater onto the floor in his room. He grabbed Dean the softest towel he’d ever touched and laughed when Dean shivered.

 

“Thanks,” Dean said through chattering teeth.

 

“Dean, I think you should take those wet clothes off. I’ll dry them for you and in the meantime, you can wear some of my clothes.”

 

He knew he was right, but Dean didn’t want to strip here, with the chance of Cas seeing his skin. There was also the problem of him giving Dean short sleeves.

 

“No, thanks, it’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

 

“You’re freezing! And I don’t want to sit on your lap if you’re wet.” Dean watched as Cas began to open various drawers, pulling out soft grey sweatpants, a red tank top, and blue boxers. He thrusted them into Dean’s chest and got out a similar outfit for himself.

 

“Cas, I-“ Dean started, trying to protest before Cas cut him off.

 

“I’ll change in the bathroom. You stay here and get dressed.” With that, Cas left, shutting the door behind him and leaving Dean alone.

 

He took his soaked jeans off quickly, taking out his phone and wallet, and shrugged off his already unbuttoned flannel and undershirt. Yanking his boxers off his hips, he tried to put on the ones that Cas gave him, but he stopped, caught by his reflection on Cas’ full body mirror.

 

Dean sighed and ran his hands down his ruined thighs, sighing about the fact that they would never be good enough for Cas to see. He snapped out of his moment in the mirror and finished pulling the underwear up, followed by Cas’ sweats. The last to go on was the tank top, and Dean was extremely uncomfortable in it, even though it was soft and smelled like Cas.

 

It showed every scar. His arms were covered in them. From his shoulders to his wrists.

 

Dean looked around for something to cover himself with, finding a neatly folded dark blue hoodie in one of the drawers. He pulled it on, feeling better about everything.

 

There was a soft knock coming from the other side of the bedroom/bathroom door and Dean opened it up to Cas. He smiled at Dean and kissed him gently before scooping up the pile of wet clothing and disappearing.

 

“Nice hoodie,” he said when he came back into the bedroom a moment later.

 

“I hope this is okay, I was just cold.” he lied. Cas smiled and pressed a hand to Dean’s chest.

 

“It’s fine, you look cute. Now come on, I’m starving.” Cas took Dean’s hand and led him down the stairs. They entered the kitchen, one of the most modern ones he’d ever seen. It was like one that belonged on a cooking show. Everything was white and steel and shiny.

 

“Cas, is there any place in your house that looks like it doesn’t belong in a mansion?”

 

Cas just laughed and opened the stocked fridge. He pulled out a full container of strawberries and a knife and motioned for Dean to sit down at the breakfast bar. Cas was on the other side of the counter, opening the strawberries and cutting the stems off of a few. He popped one in his mouth and smiled at Dean.

 

“Do you want anything?” he asked. Dean _was_ a little hungry, but it was getting close to 7:00 PM and he should get home to Sammy and make sure he's doing alright.

 

“No, actually I should get going. Sam’s been alone for a while and my mom is going to be working all night.” Dean didn’t want to go, but he knew he should. Cas looked disappointed at his response.

 

“Stay. Just a little longer. It’s still raining hard and I don’t want you to have to walk in the rain again. Please?” Dean thought about it, and it was in fact raining very hard. After a big burst of thunder that made Cas jump, he decided that he would stay, just until the storm blew over.

 

“Alright, I’ll stay. But I need to call Sammy and tell him that I’ll be longer.” Dean smiled when Cas reached his hand across the counter and pressed a strawberry to his lips. He opened up and swallowed the fruit, still smiling at Cas.

 

“Okay, Dean.” Cas leaned over to kiss him on the cheek as Dean got out his phone.


	9. You Drive Me Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff, more Dean insecurities.

_**Sunday, April 14** _

 

“Alright, I’ll stay. But I need to call Sammy and tell him that I’ll be longer.” Dean smiled when Cas reached his hand across the counter and pressed a strawberry to his lips. He opened up and swallowed the fruit, still smiling at Cas.

 

“Okay, Dean.” Cas leaned over to kiss him on the cheek as Dean got out his phone. He stepped into the living room and dialed Sam’s number. He answered on the first ring.

 

“Dean!”

 

”Hey, Sammy. Listen, I’m gonna stay with Cas for a little longer. Make whatever you want you dinner, I might be late. I don’t know how long. Just calling to make sure you'll be okay.”

 

“I’ll be fine, Dean. I’m fourteen. I can take care of myself for a few hours.”

 

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

 

“Yeah. Go have fun. Really, it’s fine.”

 

“I love you, Sammy.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“Bye.”

 

“Bye, Dean.”

 

He hung up with a smile and wandered back into the kitchen. Cas was standing there, apparently waiting for him to return.

 

“You really care about him,” Cas said. It wasn’t a question so much as a thought he’d said aloud.

 

“Yeah, I do. He’s my family. I love him.”

 

Cas went up to Dean and kissed his forehead. The cool metal of his lip ring felt good on Dean’s skin.

 

“What do you want to do now?” he whispered.

 

“Anything. Nothing.” Dean knew he was way too into Cas, but it was too late to back out.

 

“Movie?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah,” Dean smiled. They would hopefully be in the dark so he didn’t have to worry about Cas seeing him if they got _too_ comfortable. “But I have to go to the bathroom first.”

 

“Oh, yeah, it’s upstairs and the first door on your left.”

 

“Thanks.” Dean said. He jogged up the stairs and into the door that Cas told him. He could have gone in the one in Cas’ room, he guessed, but this was closer. Dean shut the door behind him and leaned against the counter, looking into the mirror. He exhaled deeply and tried to forget about everything that worried him. Cas finding out about his scars, Sammy having an accident while he was away, his mom getting in trouble at work, the list goes on.

 

Dean turned the faucet on and splashed some cool water on his face. After drying off, he went to the bathroom and washed his hands. Taking one last look in the mirror, and realizing that he looked good in Cas’ clothing, he smoothed down the front of the hoodie, stuffing his hands into the pockets, and stepped out of the bathroom.

 

He grabbed the cold railing and climbed down the stairs as quiet as he could in his bare feet.

 

Cas smiled at his return and took his hand, which was mostly covered by his sweatshirt, and opened a door at the back of the kitchen. He turned on a light that illuminated the staircase as they went down.

 

“This is the basement, obviously. So what movie do you want to watch?”

 

There was a comfy looking couch in the middle of the room that was faced towards a fairly nice television. If Dean were ever honest with himself he would admit to not caring what they watched and just wanting to have excuses to kiss Cas and look at him while he doesn’t know. Cas led him over to a closed door and opened it, revealing shelves and shelves of all kinds of movies. There was _Harry Potter, Indiana Jones,_ what seemed like the whole collection of Disney movies, and even movies like  _The Notebook._

 

Dean couldn’t help but smile wide.

 

“I get to pick?” He asked, elated.

 

“Anything.” Cas encouraged.

 

Dean’s eyes roamed over the selection before settling on the first _Indiana Jones_ movie and handing it to Cas, grinning like an idiot.

 

“I guessed you would like these movies. I haven’t seen them but-“

 

“What? You’ve never seen _Indiana Jones_?” He was secretly excited that Cas was going to get to watch his favorite movie with him.

 

“Well, no, but Gabriel likes them. I’ve never watched with him, but I guess I’ll watch them with you.” Cas swung their interlocked fingers in between them and put the movie in.

 

They settled into the side of the couch with Cas under Dean, opening his legs for Dean to sit in between them. He lay with his head on Cas’ chest, breathing him in. He smelled like rain and expensive shampoo.

 

As the opening credits began, Cas started running his long fingers in Dean’s short hair. He leaned into the touch, loving the way it made him feel.

 

They watched the movie in silence, curling up into each other. He liked the way he could feel Cas tense during the parts where Indy was in danger, and hug him closer every time they were saved. Every time he moved it would make Dean smile and curl up into Cas from him being so into the movie. Dean would occasionally lean up and kiss Cas’ neck or touch his collarbones and every time Cas kissed his hair he would grab him tighter. He felt so comfortable. So at peace.

 

Dean hiked Cas’ shirt up a little higher and exposed his smooth skin. He half regretted it because his sweatpants were slung so low that the waistband of his tight boxer briefs was showing just underneath his dark feathered tattoo, and he was left staring at the perfect sight.

 

He leaned down to kiss his sharp hip bone, lips lingering for a moment. He rested his head against Cas’ chest again, fingers ghosting over where his lips touched skin.

 

Halfway through the movie, Cas got up and brought down a Subway sub sandwich that was in the fridge for them to share. He tried to apologize for not being able to make a good dinner for him but Dean just quieted him with a soft kiss and took a bite of the sandwich, making an exaggerated moan at the taste. Cas chuckled and rubbed his back and they fell into the same position as before, comforted by each other’s heat.

 

Before he knew it, the credits were rolling, the rain was slowed to a drizzle, and it was almost ten o’clock.

 

 _Shit, I have school tomorrow,_ Dean thought, _but I want to stay. I have to go home to Sammy. I have to kiss him goodnight._

 

Cas pulled Dean off him and kissed him softly. “It was a very good movie. I appreciate your tastes. They suit you.”

 

Dean smiled at the sight of his hair, miraculously more unruly than before, and kissed him again. “Thanks, Cas. I’m glad you like it. Now we have to watch the rest of the trilogy.” Dean gave him a sly grin.

 

“I believe we do. Do you want me to take you home now?” He looked sort of sad that Dean had to go, but he had to know that Dean couldn’t stay. Yet.

 

“You don’t have to take me home. It’s barely raining out. I can walk.” Dean protested.

 

“Dean, don’t be ridiculous. It is still wet outside and there’s no more sunlight. I’m driving you.” Cas didn’t seem like he was going to back down, so Dean reluctantly nodded and stood up from the couch. He shivered from the loss of heat and pulled down the sleeves of Cas’ hoodie to cover his hands. Cas saw Dean shiver so he wrapped his arm around Dean, pulling him close and pressing their bodies together.

 

They walked slowly up the stairs and through the still impressive rooms of Cas’ house. Dean realized that he was still barefoot and was wearing Cas’ clothes. He turned to say something but he had been pressed up against the front door and kissed senseless. He held Cas tight and didn’t want to let go, even though he knew he had to.

 

“Wait here. I’ll go get your clothes.” Cas whispered lightly, lips brushing softly against Dean’s ear. He disappeared, leaving Dean alone in the dark, breathing heavily.

 

Cas came back moments later with Dean’s jeans, flannel, undershirt, and underwear, all neatly folded in his arms.

 

“Do you want me to change?” he asked. He wouldn’t mind giving Cas’ clothes back the next day but maybe he wanted them now.

 

Cas laughed at his question. “No, I think I’ll pick my clothes up tomorrow when I pick you up for our date.”

 

Dean let out a relieved sigh. He didn’t want to have to change again when Cas was so close to him and the chances of him finding out were way higher. He took the clothes, washed and dried, from Cas and gave him a light kiss on the cheek as a thank you. He picked up his boots and just held them, not wanting to put them on because they were still wet and he didn’t want to put his feet back into damp shoes.

 

Cas slipped on a pair of black flip flops that were sitting by their feet and pushed the door open, leading him in the light drizzle to his fancy, new, silver, environmentally friendly car, parked in the street. Once they reached the vehicle, he ran around to the passenger side to open the door for a bare footed Dean. The cold, wet grass felt good on Dean’s feet as he walked to where Cas was standing. He was pleased to find that Cas was grinning like an idiot, displaying the open car door with a gesture of his arm.

 

“Your chariot awaits, sir.” Cas announced, folding his arm behind his back and sticking his chest out.

 

Dean smiled wide. “Thank you, my good man.” He replied, ducking into the car.

 

Cas closed the door behind him and went to the other side, climbing into the driver’s seat. Dean buckled up as the engine started with a purr.

 

Cas drove slowly down the dark street, keeping his eyes on the road but snaking his right hand to rest on the top of Dean’s thigh. Dean looked at the soft hand that sat on his leg and smiled, letting one of his lay on top of it. It was quiet in the car, but the silence was comfortable.

 

They turned around the block and when Cas pulled Dean into his driveway, Dean leaned in and kissed him softly, lips barely touching. It was a good feeling. They both got out and Cas walked him to the door, grabbing his waist instead of his hands since both of his arms were occupied with holding his shoes and clothes. When they reached the front porch, Cas leaned in and whispered, “You drive me crazy, Dean Winchester,” rendering Dean speechless. His lips ghosted over Dean’s jaw before he stepped off the porch and walked to his car. He gave Dean a single wave as he disappeared into the night.

 

Dean fumbled for the doorknob after he couldn’t see Cas anymore and pushed the door awkwardly open.

 

“Sammy?” Dean called.

 

“In my room!” Came a voice at the top of the stairs. Dean smiled at the thought of seeing Sam again. He felt bad about leaving Sam home alone. He ran up the stairs, dropping his clothes and shoes into his room before opening it to find Sam laying in bed, nose stuffed in a book. He looked up and practically glowed when Dean stepped in the room.

 

“Hey, kiddo,” he started.

 

“Hey,” Sam nodded.

 

“Where’s mom?” Dean asked. She wasn’t in the living room like usual.

 

“Work. She has the night shift and won’t be home again until Tuesday morning.” Sam relayed.

 

Dean hated that his mom had to work and that she was rarely home, but he understood. “Oh.”

 

“Nice clothes, Dean. Are they Cas’?” He was beaming as he gave Dean a onceover, lightening the mood.

 

“Yeah, we got caught in the rain and he let me wear some dry clothes.” Dean explained.

 

“Ohhh, I see,” said Sam, skeptically, “so how was your second date?” ** _ ~~  
~~_**

“Sam! That wasn’t a _date._ We were just hanging out.” Dean protested. He knew it was useless.

 

“Was there any kissing on this so-called ‘not date’?” He pressed.

 

 _“Maybe a little.”_ Dean mumbled under his breath. When Sam just laughed at him he sighed and gave Sam a kiss on his forehead, like he did every night. “Goodnight, Sam.”

 

“’Night, Dean. I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.” Dean said when he turned off the lamp by Sam’s bed and walked out of his room in the dark.

 

Dean went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, ran a quick comb through his hair, and slumped, tired, to bed.

 

He fell asleep, trying to slip himself into a sweet dream.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated! I love hearing what you think and any suggestions?


	10. The Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a shorter chapter… it just sets some things up for the next one. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEMI-GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF CUTTING/SELF-HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/SUICIDE.

 

_“What do you mean, you cut yourself? Why? Because nobody wants you? That’s true, you know. You thought I wanted you but you were wrong. I don’t. I never did.” Cas spat at him from across the room. Dean was standing on the opposite side of his bed from Cas. His flannel was hanging off of him, the sleeves stuck on his forearms. The white and pink scars on his shoulders and upper arms were showing clearly. He wanted to put it back on and cover himself but he was frozen by Cas’ words._

_“Cas, no-“ Dean cried. He tried to step closer to Cas._

_“Don’t come near me. You’re broken. Don’t try to fix yourself. You can’t. You’re so useless, Dean. Stay away from me.”_

_“Please,” he begged. The word came out in a scratched cry, his voice failing him._

_“No. You are nothing. Disgusting. I wish I never kissed you, never touched you. You have too many scars and are too unstable for me, or anyone. You should just stay away from everyone.” Castiel’s eyes weren’t their usual warm, ocean blue. They were a hard, cold, menacing, steel blue, staring down at Dean._

_Dean just let out a helpless whimper, knees buckling under his own weight. He felt the prickling of tears pooling in the corners of his eyes and tried so hard to blink them away._

_“Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t try to talk to me at school. I’m done with you.”_

_“Cas! I need you. You can’t just give me everything and take it all away just like that!” Dean cried, breathing heavily. His chest hurt and he felt like he was going to be sick._

_“Watch me.” Cas said, monotone. He vanished from the room._

_“No, no, no! You can’t leave me like this! I’m so sorry. Oh, Cas.” Dean sunk onto the floor, head in his hands. He let the tears fall now. He trembled on the ground, folded in on himself. “Please don’t leave me,” he whispered, even though he was already gone and wouldn’t be coming back._

_He couldn’t handle it. He really did need Cas. He had become Dean’s drug. Dean was just beginning to feel better, not think about cutting so often before Cas had said that. Everything was undone. Dean didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. The rush of emotions while you were feeling nothing at all._

_“I’m done. I’m sorry. Goodbye.” Dean whispered, to nobody._

_Dean reached under the mattress, feeling around until he felt the familiar coolness of his steel pocketknife. He gripped it tight in his right hand and pulled it out from under the mattress. His knuckles white from the firm grip and he felt a sharp sting from the blade cutting into the outer layer of his skin. He let the knife go and saw a small drop of blood fall from the cut._

_He shed the last of his flannel onto the floor and held his left arm out, palm up. He ran his bleeding hand over the inside of his elbow down to his wrist, feeling every worthless scar and bump and cut. Dean took a deep breath and slit a long, thick line from his elbow to his hand. The pain was overwhelming, but it was a sweet relief. He watched the blood spill out of his arm and into a sticky, red, pool on the floor. Dean felt dizzy already but forced himself to put the knife in his left hand, fingers barely able to close around the handle. He mirrored the cut from his arm onto the other one, even deeper, the pain slightly duller this time._

_The blood was falling out of him and Dean’s eyes closed slowly, feeling extremely dizzy and light headed._

_His torso sunk to the ground like his lower body and he lay there, staring up at the ceiling. He could feel unconsciousness trying to take him over. Steal him away. And he let it. He had no regrets._

_Hot, red liquid pooled around him and his eyes fluttered shut. His head turned to the side and he let out one last shallow breath and his heart beat once more before Dean’s body went completely limp. And it was over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was short, I will update soon to make up for it.
> 
>  
> 
> Comment please!


	11. Talk to Me

_**Monday, April 15** _

 

Dean woke up to the loud beeps of his alarm clock.

 

His pillow was wet and he realized that he had been crying in his sleep. Another nightmare about his suicide. Another sad ending. Except this one was worse. This one had Cas in it. This one could happen. This one meant something. He sighed and turned off the alarm, burying his face in his sheets and tryingto even out his breathing before he got up. He wiped the tears away from his eyes and fell out of bed scrambling out of the room and daring to look in the bathroom mirror.

 

Dean’s eyes were red and puffy, and while he didn’t want to cry again, this time conscious, over something that he needed to quickly forget, his emotions betrayed him yet again and a slow tear slipped out of his right eye. And it opened the floodgates.

 

He shut the bathroom door and locked it, not wanting Sammy to have to walk in on him like that. Dean gripped the bathroom sink tightly, knuckles turning white. He shivered and decided that if he was going to cry then he should just get it out and get on with his day. Dean bowed his head and let go, shoulders shaking and legs trembling under the weight. He made sure that he was silent and didn’t let any whimpers escape his lips.

 

Fat, quiet tears fell from his face as Dean looked back in the mirror. _Don’t cut._ He remembered that he was still in Cas’ clothes. _Don’t cut._ He remembered their night together. _Don’t cut._ Everything went so well. _Don’t cut._ So why was he so worried that Cas was going to leave him?

                                         

_Oh, right. Because everything will change when I tell him what’s really wrong._

_Don’t cut. Don’t cut. Don’t cut. Don’t cut. Don’t turn this into a bad day. It’s been two weeks. Just breathe._

 

Dean tried to steady his breathing and he wiped away he wetness on his face with his sleeve. He closed his eyes and regained his composure well enough to sneak back into his own room. he checked the clock and realized he spent a lot longer in the bathroom than he thought.

 

“Shit!” Dean said aloud.

 

Dean stripped quickly, ignoring his daily self-hatred about his skin, and pulled on some clean underwear (his, not Cas') and dark jeans. He opted for a red sweater this time instead of wearing another flannel. He tucked in his shirt and took his necklace out from underneath the neckline of his sweater. Fumbling with his boots, he hopped down the stairs and into the kitchen, where a fully dressed, ready to go Sam stood by the door.

 

“Ready to go, Dean?” he asked, adjusting the strap on his backpack.

 

“Uhm, yeah, hang on gimme just a minute,” Dean breathed, snatching a granola bar from the kitchen and running back upstairs. He grabbed his bag and phone and flew down the steps to meet Sammy by the door.

 

“Dean, let’s go we’re late!” Sam exclaimed, opening the front door.

 

“Okay, okay I’m coming!” Dean said, glancing down at his phone and seeing a message from Cas, before following Sam.

 

“Dean! There’s a car in our driveway!” Sam shouted from outside.

 

“What?!” Dean rushed out after him in time to see a completely adorable and completely bed-headed Cas climbing out of his car, leaving the engine running. He was wearing a black and white striped short sleeve that hugged his broad shoulders and black skinny jeans that hung low around his narrow hips. Dean noticed a concerned and confused look on Cas’ face before it was replaced with a small smile. He brushed it off.

 

“Hello, Dean. I texted you about giving you a ride, but when you didn’t respond I just decided to drop by.” Cas explained, stepping closer to the both of them. His tongue was playing with his silver lip ring, relentlessly teasing Dean.

 

“Oh, um, we were going to walk but we’re actually running a little late. If it’s not too much trouble.” Dean added, relieved that they weren’t going to be completely late to school.

 

“Of course. And Sam, you go to the middle school building?” Cas asked, nodding his way.

 

“Yeah, thanks.” Sam gave Cas a small smile.

 

Cas got even closer to Dean, brushing their hands together before grasping his Dean’s firmly.

 

“Then let’s _go._ ” Cas pulled Dean to the car and Sam followed, getting into the backseat while Dean sat shot gun.

 

Cas turned up the radio to a classic rock station, pulling out of the driveway, and Dean couldn’t help but sing along to _Rock of Ages_ by _Def Leppard._ He tapped his fingers lightly on his thighs and nodded his head to the beat. Dean could see Cas chuckling at him from his relaxed position in the driver’s seat but he eventually started to sing, too. Dean could practically feel Sam’s eyes roll from the backseat at them.

 

Even though he was happy at the moment, he couldn’t stop playing with the hems of his sweaters’ sleeves. He felt better when he knew he was covered up. Dean rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe the sadness from them and get back to being glad that he was with Cas.

 

The drive was short and in only a few minutes they arrived at the entrance of Sam’s school, just a block away from the high school.

 

“Thanks, Cas! Dean don’t forget, Jess is coming over after school.” Sam said before opening the car door. Cas just smiled back at him.

 

“Later, Sammy!” Dean called, laughing when Sam just sighed at the nickname and shut the door behind him, running into the building.

 

When he turned around, Cas’ face was right there, smiling at him. He leaned in closer to Dean and kissed him, soft and slow. Dean leaned into him, still not used to getting kissed.

 

“Finally,” Cas whispered when they broke apart. “I didn’t want to kiss you in front of your brother.”

 

Dean smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Sammy’s cool with it. Or at least I think he would be. I don’t really know this wasn’t exactly a problem before.”

 

Cas chuckled and started the car again and they spent the next few minutes holding hands and stealing glances from each other before arriving in the high school parking lot. Dean moved to open the door once they were parked but Cas stopped him with a firm grip on his arm.

 

“Wait.” Cas looked at him with wide eyes.

 

“Is something wrong?” Dean questioned.

 

“I don’t know, is there?”

 

Dean was confused. “What do you mea-“

 

“Your eyes are red, your cheeks are puffy, your hair looks like you’ve been running your fingers through it all morning and you can’t stop fidgeting with the sleeves of your sweater.”

 

“So?” Dean countered. It was pointless. He didn’t know why he was trying to brush this off.

 

“So, why were you crying this morning?” Dean was going to try to get out of talking about this but the scared and concerned look Cas gave him made him think otherwise.

 

“I just had a bad dream, okay? It scared me a little. That’s all.” Dean tried to give him his most reassuring look, but it was hard when the person he was giving it too looked so upset. It was half the truth. It had to do. For now.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cas looked worriedly at Dean.

 

“No. Can we just go to class-“ Dean started but Cas cut him off.

 

“Dean, please! I’m very worried about you. I thought that what happened on Saturday was just a one-time thing. You weren’t okay on Friday. I could tell. I thought you were having a bad day. But on Saturday you weren’t okay again but it was worse and it felt like it was my fault. I don’t blame you for not trusting me enough to tell me what’s wrong because it seems serious and we haven’t been together for long at all but I _do_ care about you. Normally, I would never be this forward, but you look like you’re in _so much pain_. It hurts to see you feel miserable.” Cas tried to reach out and place a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder but he shrugged it off. “Look, I know you’re not okay. If you tell me you _will be_ okay, I’ll drop it and leave you alone. Please, Dean, you’ve looked so hurt every time I’ve seen you! Even when you smile and laugh you look like you’re in pain. Tell me what to do to help you. Anything.”

 

Dean didn’t make eye contact with him. He didn’t want to talk about this. He wanted to go on with how they were last night. Dean finally had something good and it was going to be taken away from him after just one weekend. He didn’t want to walk away from Cas but it wasn’t worth him knowing Dean’s secret. It would be different if they had been together for months. Or longer than a total of four days.

 

Dean took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss Cas on the cheek.

 

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” Dean whispered. He quickly opened the car door, grabbing his backpack and shutting it behind him as he walked into the school, leaving Cas sitting there alone.

 

Dean broke into a run when he heard Cas call his name, entering the building right when the final bell rang. His eyes felt hot and his throat was tight as he shoved through the crowds of students hurrying to class. Dean made his way to his locker, trying to breathe deep and slow but he couldn’t control it. After throwing his backpack into his locker, he yanked a few books and binders from it and made his way to class in silence.

 

* * *

 

 

Calculus was completely miserable.

 

* * *

 

Study Hall almost made him erupt into tears again.

 

* * *

 

 

Shop was a little better.

 

* * *

 

 

Advanced English was painful.

 

* * *

 

 

Lunch was worse because he heard Cas calling his name from across the cafeteria, so he ducked out of there and headed straight for the library.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time his last period class rolled around, Dean was done. He _had_ to see Cas then. He didn’t want to have to face him, let alone be forced to interact with him for almost an hour.

 

Dean slumped into class, choosing the seat closest to the window and turning his body towards it, looking away from the rest of the class. A short minute later, he heard Cas sit down gingerly in the chair next to him. He didn’t want to look up, but Dean couldn’t help it. He turned his gaze from the window to the side of Cas’ face. Cas was looking down at his hands, but he looked up and half-smiled at Dean when he noticed that Dean was looking at him.

 

Class started and two minutes into it, Mr. McPherson made it clear that they would be working alone. Dean was relieved. He didn’t want to talk to Cas about that morning because it would certainly end in his tears. The class was completely silent as they filled out information from their book into a worksheet. He almost forgot about everything because he was so involved in his work, until Cas slid a sheet of paper his way.

 

_Talk to me._

 

It was written in that blue pen. He almost smiled at the memory of Cas writing his name at the top of Dean’s paper a few days before. Almost. Dean didn’t want to write anything back but he knew that the needed to.

 

**_Fine._ **

****

He sighed, too distracted to keep going with the assignment that he had almost finished.

 

_Please don’t be mad at me._

Dean wasn’t mad. He wasn’t. He was...he didn’t know what he was. He just figured he should apologize for his behavior even though he was still upset. Dean needed to make it up to Cas.

 

**_I’m not mad, just a little upset. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. It was unfair._ **

****

_Don’t be sorry. I pushed you to talk about something you didn’t want to. So I’m sorry._

**_You deserve to know what’s wrong._ **

****

_No I don’t. Not if it hurts you too much._

**_Can we talk after I get off work?_ **

****

_Can I still take you out?_

**_You still want to?_ **

****

_Of course, I promised._

**_Then yes._ **

****

_Good. Should we work on this assignment or keep talking?_

**_Talk to me._ **

****

_I missed you today._

When Dean read what Cas wrote, he felt bad all over again. He ditched Cas in the morning, and blatantly ignored him at lunch. Cas reached under the table and gently rested his hand on Dean’s knee.

 

**_I did, too. Can you tell me where you’re taking me?_ **

****

_I was thinking just the diner across town. Is that okay?_

Cas had just read the last note when the bell rang. They stood up together, grabbing their books and heading out the door into the crowded hallway.

 

“Can I take you home? I mean, if you were going to walk? I would get Sam, too.” Cas asked him.

 

“Yeah, okay, but Sam’s walking home with his girlfriend. Walk with me to my locker? I can get my things then we’ll go to yours. I don’t know where yours is yet.” Dean just wanted to kiss him.

 

Cas just grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Lead the way.”

 

They stopped first at Dean’s locker, then at Cas’, lingering only for quick kisses. They made their way to Cas’ car, getting in and shutting the doors behind them before finally losing themselves in a long, slow kiss.

 

The next few minutes flew by as they drove back to Dean’s house. Cas gave Dean a gentle kiss on the lips before pulling back to look into his eyes.

 

“See you tonight?” Cas asked.

 

“See you tonight.” Dean repeated, smiling before climbing out of the car with his bag and giving a small wave to Cas as he pulled out of the driveway.

                                                                                         

Dean headed inside and got ready for work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I will try to update for frequently but school is starting soon and i don't know how that'll work out... I'll do my very best to stay on track for you guys! 
> 
> Comments fuel my fire!


	12. Shall We?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's feeling better and better around Cas, even though he's scared shitless.

_**Monday, April 15** _

 

Dean was home alone for about twenty minutes and had time to change his sweater to a flannel and was about to leave for work when Sam walked through the door with someone half-hidden behind him.

 

“Hey, Sammy. Is this the wonderful girl you were telling me about?” Dean teased.

 

“Dean!” Sam complained, blushing furiously.

 

Dean laughed lightly and put his hand out. “I’m Dean, Sam’s brother. Jessica, right?”

 

She took it with a smile, coming out from behind Sam. “Call me Jess.”

 

Jess was a pretty blonde with gray-blue eyes. Her hair fell on her shoulders in waves, and by the way she was looking at Sam, Dean could tell she really liked him.

 

“Alright, well, I’m heading out to the shop. Are you kids gonna be okay while I’m gone?” Dean winked at Sam.

 

“ _Yes, Dean._ Go to work. We’ll be fine.” Sam reassured him.

 

Dean stepped out the front door and turned to say, “Have fun. But not _too much_ fun.” He saw Sam roll his eyes before shutting the door behind him.

 

Dean decided to take his car even though it was only a few miles’ walk so that he could get home quicker to have more time to get ready for his first date with Cas. When he arrived at the auto shop, he immediately got to work, only pausing for a minute to greet his boss, Bobby Singer. The old man was bent over a Toyota, trucker hat and all.

 

“Hey, Bobby.”

 

“Hey, boy, how’s your mom and Sam?”

 

“Good, thanks. You?”

 

“Same old. Now get to work, boy!”

 

Dean tried to lose himself and get busy working on the cars; replacing tires and broken windows, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Cas. They were going on a date together. A first date. _Dean’s_ first date. And he was going to tell Cas. Tell him everything. Dean figured that letting Cas know now, instead of waiting for them to grow closer and him eventually finding out and being disgusted with Dean and leaving him, was the better choice.

 

He still didn’t know what to say. Dean didn’t want to do it at the diner. He could go home with Cas and talk about it there, in a safer environment. If things did go wrong, Dean didn’t want the whole restaurant to have to know. Better to do it at Cas’ so Sammy doesn’t hear. Dean checked the clock, hoping it was 6:30, but it was only 5:55. He sighed and carried on, thinking about what was going to happen that night.

 

* * *

 

By the time 6:30 rolled around, Dean was practically running out of the shop, shouting a, “Later, Bobby!” behind him and hearing him mutter, “Idjit” before climbing into the Impala and driving home.

 

Dean raced up the driveway and opened the front door, taking a moment to chuckle at the sight of his brother kissing Jess on the couch. They weren’t groping each other or anything and the kiss was all lips, no tongue.  Sam had his hand awkwardly around her waist, it was cute. They jumped apart when Dean opened the door and both were flushed red.

 

“Dean!” Sam yelled, embarrassed.

 

“Sorry, Sammy!” Dean just laughed and left them alone, jumping up the stairs and into the bathroom. He turned the shower on and let the water get hot while he grabbed a towel and quickly took his dirty, oil-covered, and greasy clothes off.

 

Refusing to look into the mirror, Dean stepped into the shower and let the warm spray wash all the sweat down the drain. Not wanting to take too long in the shower, he quickly shampooed and rinsed, watching the soapy water get washed away. After the water ran clean, Dean got the minty body soap from the top rack of the shower caddy. He reluctantly poured a generous amount into the palm of his hand and bent forward, rubbing it into his calves. Once Dean reached his knees, he quickly started to wash his thighs, not letting his fingers linger over the raised scars for too long.

 

Next was his stomach and sides. Again, Dean hated to feel what he does to himself. It makes everything feel permanent and he couldn’t feel like that. What kept him alive was Sammy and the thought of getting better. And maybe now, getting better for Cas. His back was next, thankful that he could go over smooth skin.

 

When Dean had to wash his arms, he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes tight. Those were the worst. Thin white lines filled his wrists, and on the sides of his shoulders were thick pink marks. Other cuts and scars lined the space on Dean’s arms, barely showing any skin that wasn’t ruined. He let out a tired sigh but stood under the stream of water and let all the soap wash away.

 

Dean washed his face last, then shut off the water. He stepped out of the shower and picked up the towel, drying himself and his hair thoroughly before wrapping it around his waist and heading to his room quickly to avoid the risk of Sam seeing his arms -not very likely since he was a bit too _distracted_ at the moment- dirty clothes in hand.

 

Dean went and checked the clock. 7:10. He got out of work later than he thought. Dean wandered over to his closet and flied through his jeans and shirts. He pulled out a pair of his favorite dark blue jeans that were a bit worn on the thighs and a green and white flannel. He slipped the flannel on over his gray undershirt and toyed with the buttons, not sure if he wanted to button it up or not. Dean decided to leave it unbuttoned because the day before, Cas unbuttoned his shirt.

 

He made extra sure that the buttons on his sleeves were secure. _They won’t be coming off until later,_ Dean thought. He had already decided that he was going to tell Cas that he cuts himself, and what happened with his dad when he came out. Maybe explain how he relapsed after the incident with Alastair, but he could save that for another time.

 

He tucked in his undershirt and looped a black belt through his jeans. Dean went downstairs again, checking on Sam and Jess and finding out what they were planning on doing for the night.

 

Dean walked into the kitchen and saw Sam stirring over a pot on the stove and Jess standing next to him, laughing at something he said.

 

“You guys making dinner?” Dean asked them, hoping that Sam would say yes because he didn’t want to deal with having to make dinner for them and Mary when he only had so much time before Cas got there.

 

“Yup, macaroni and cheese. Don’t worry, I’m making enough for you and Mom, too, for when she gets home tonight.” Sam said, looking up from the steaming water. “Who are you all dressed up for?”

 

“Dressed up? Sam I’m wearing jeans and a flannel.” Dean countered.

 

“Yeah, well, it’s your favorite jeans that you _think_ make your butt look good, I'm not saying they do, and your _nicest_ flannel. Are you seeing _Cas_ tonight?” Sam teased, looking at Dean up and down.

 

_Dammit._

“Maybe.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He’s nice. That’s why.”

 

Dean could tell that Sam wanted the best for him.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, he is.”

 

They smiled at each other before Dean remembered why he was down there in the first place.

 

“So,” he turned to Jess, “how late are you staying? I’m not kicking you out or anything, it’s just that I’m going to be leaving soon and I don’t know if your parents would be okay with it if you’re home alone with Sammy, here, at night.” He gave Sam a wink.

 

“Actually, I should head home soon. My parents want me home before dinner. I’ll start walking in a few minutes.” Jess told him, flipping her long hair across her shoulder.

 

Dean checked the time, again. 7:25. He had some time. She didn’t have to walk.

 

“I’ll take you home. It’s getting dark out. You shouldn’t be out alone.”

 

“No, really, I can-“

 

“It’s no trouble. I’d feel better about it if I did. Plus then we can talk about Sam behind his back while he stays home,” Dean teased.

 

“Jerk!” Sam shot back. “And I’m coming with.”

 

“Bitch. And no you’re not. You have to stay and finish dinner.”

 

Sam gave him another bitchface before rolling his eyes and muttering, “Fine,” under his breath.

 

Dean smirked as Sammy turned to Jess and caught her lips in a quick, chaste, peck on the lips before catching Dean’s eye and blushing.

 

“Alright, lovebirds. Let’s go, Jess.” Dean said, nodding his head towards the door and grabbing the keys that were on the table.

 

As she walked towards Dean she waved a small goodbye to Sam, waited for him to return the gesture, and when he did, she followed Dean outside, shutting the door firmly behind her. Dean led her to the Impala that was parked in the street and slid into the driver’s seat while Jess got in the passenger’s side.

 

The sun was starting to go down and Dean just wanted to drop her off so he could be home for Cas.

 

“So,” he said, going out on the road. “Where do you live?”

 

“Oak Street. It’s a few blocks over on the other side of the junior high.”

 

“Cool.” Dean turned the radio on but kept the volume low.

 

They drove in silence for a few minutes before Dean decided to ask her about Sam. “So, you and little Sammy?” he teased. Dean could see her blush out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Yeah….” she replied, smile on her lips. “He’s really great, you know.”

 

“Yeah, I know."

 

"Oh, this is my street.” Jess said as they drove. Dean turned at the one she pointed to and continued to drive slowly.

 

“Which house?” Dean asked. He would have asked for a street number but they were impossible to make out in the dark.

 

“That one with the big American flag,” she put her face in her hands, “and my parents sitting on the front porch, waiting for me. Oh my god. They’re so overprotective! I’m lucky I got to go to your house today. I told them I was studying.”

 

Dean laughed, pulling into the driveway. “It’s okay, kiddo. At least they didn’t go _with_ you.”

 

“Right.” Jess huffed as she got out of the car. Dean followed her, feeling like he should say something to her parents since they were out there.

 

As soon as he got out of the car, he went around to where she was standing, following Jess closely with a hand on the small of her back, gently pushing her reluctant body towards her parents.

 

“You get your pervy hands off my daughter!”

 

“Jessica Lee Moore! You said this _boy_ was your age! Weren't you supposed to go to that _Samuel_ 's house?”

 

Both her parents were red in the face, yelling at him and Jess while they walked closer to Dean and her.

 

“Woah! There’s been a _very big_ misunderstanding here! Jess wasn’t with _me_ , she was with my little brother, Sam!” Dean defended with his hands up in the air. His heart was beating fast and Jess just sighed heavily, covering her face in her hands once again.

 

“Well then, where is he?” Jess’ mom asked.

 

“At home. Making dinner. I didn’t want Jess to have to walk home alone in the dark so I gave her a ride. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere to be.” Dean did feel bad about the misunderstanding and how he was just taking off after being accused of going on a date with a 13 year old girl, but he didn’t want to deal with it then.

 

“Thanks for the ride, Dean.” Jess gave him a sincere smile.

 

“Anytime, Blondie, and don’t forget to call Sam!” he joked. She rolled her eyes with a grin and ushered her parents inside, despite their objections.

 

Dean smiled as she shut the front door and got back in the Impala. He drove home quickly, getting back at 7:50. It shouldn’t have taken that long, but the episode with Jess’ parents took some time to get cleared up.

 

He rushed through the front door and ran past Sam sitting at the kitchen table, eating the macaroni he made. Dean stopped in his room and grabbed his wallet, shoving it into his back pocket before making his way to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth thoroughly and rinsed his mouth with mint mouthwash. Dean decided that his lips looked dry so he quickly put on some chap stick, grabbed his phone, and jumped down the stairs.

 

“Hey, Sam, Jess’ parents thought I was the one who she was hanging out with and I thought they were going to kill me. We sorted it out but if you ever go over there again, be extremely polite.” Dean relayed, thinking of all the things he has to say to Sam before he leaves.

 

“What? Dean!” Sam said around a mouthful of pasta and cheese. “Now they’re going to think I’m some lazy kid that doesn’t care enough about their daughter enough to take her home!”

 

“Sammy it’s okay. Her parents just need to relax a little. You’re a good kid. Hell, Jess thinks you’re great.” Dean soothed.

 

“She said that?” Sam looked into his bowl on the table, trying to hide a smile.

 

“Yeah, she did. I’ll be right back….” Dean remembered he had to get Cas’ clothes from his bed. As soon as he made it up the stairs, the doorbell rang.

 

_Shit._

 

“Come in!” Sam yelled. The sound of the front door opening and closing was all Dean could hear.

 

Dean grabbed the clothes and took one last look in the mirror before heading downstairs.

 

He stopped at the last step when Cas met him at the bottom of the staircase with a beautiful bouquet of blue and pink flowers in his hands. Dean smiled but the grin was kissed off of his face when Cas pressed his thick lips to Dean’s and gently touched his hand to his denim clad hip.

 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas smiled at him and took Dean’s hand and his clothes back as he came down from the last step. He took the flowers from Cas, planting a thank you kiss on his cheek and laying them gently down on the kitchen table. Dean kissed him fully again, savoring the taste of Cas because he knows that they will most likely not be together after tonight.

 

“Hey, Cas.”

 

“Get a room!” Sam complained.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and turned to Sam. “Okay, Sammy. I don’t know how late I’m going to be so don’t wait up. Be in bed by 10:30 and finish your homework.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Have fun.”

 

Dean let go of Cas’ hand and walked over to Sam, pulling him up from his chair and into a tight hug.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I _know,_ Dean. I love you, too. Now let me be and go have dinner with your boyfriend.”

 

Dean reluctantly let Sam go, taking Cas’ hand again and leading him back out the door. As soon as the door was shut, Cas wrapped his long arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him chastely. Dean wrapped his fingers around Cas’ waist and pulled him closer.

 

“I missed you,” Cas whispered.

 

“It’s only been a few hours,” Dean kissed him again. “but I missed you, too.”

 

Cas took his hand again, taking him to his parked car in Dean’s driveway. “Shall we?” He offered.

 

“We shall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment!


	13. A Few... Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know you're all waiting. It's here! Enjoy!

**_Monday, April 15_ **

 

“I’ll have a double bacon cheeseburger and fries with a Coke, thanks.” Dean ordered. He got the same thing he always got when he came to the diner.

 

“Make that two.” Cas gave the waitress a kind smile as she nodded and sent their orders in.

 

“So,” Dean began.

 

“So.” Cas nodded.

 

“I don’t want to talk about _things_ in here. I was kind of hoping we could go to your place after and talk? I just want it to be a little… less public.” Dean tried to smile at Cas from across the booth, but he was so nervous about telling Cas that all he could do was twitch his lips.

 

“If that’s what you want to do. Whatever makes you comfortable, Dean.” Cas reached across the table and laid his hand, palm up, for Dean to take. He took the hint and laced his fingers gently through Cas’.

 

“You know, you didn’t have to get me flowers.” Dean rubbed circles with his palm on the back of Cas’ hand.

 

“No, I suppose I didn’t. But I wanted to. So I did. You deserve flowers every day. Don’t forget that.” Cas let his tongue sweep over his silver lip ring. Dean took in what Cas was wearing and really admired him. A thin dark line swept along his bottom lashes, and Dean never thought that a guy in eyeliner would look so good. Cas looked simply amazing in a green v-neck that exposed his prominent collarbones, and dark, straight leg jeans that came just past his ankles. His wing tattoo was dark against his skin and Dean wanted to reach out and touch it. He could also see the words along Cas’ forearm.

 

Dean blushed at Cas’ compliment and bowed his head.

 

“Here you are,” the waitress said, setting down their food and drinks. Dean and Cas pulled their hands away from each other, reluctantly. “Anything else I can get you?”

 

“No, thank you. Dean?” Cas offered.

 

“Nothing for me.” He gave her a weak smile and cursed at himself when he remembered he was having trouble smiling. He let it fade and then tried again.

 

“Alrighty!” The perky waitress went to take someone else’s order and left them alone again.

 

They started eating, and when Cas moaned around his first bite of burger, Dean couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“Never had one before?” he asked, still smiling wide.

 

“Not here. These are amazing!” Cas looked so happy just sitting there. It was endearing.

 

“Well, good, because these burgers are my favorite food.” Dean took a sip of his Coke.

 

“I’ll have to remember that,” Cas said with a slight smile.

 

As they ate, Dean found himself getting lost in Cas’ eyes. They were just so _blue._ And perfect. And his hair. It was so messy but adorable at the same time. And his beautiful, pink lips that looked even better when he was biting around his silver lip ring.

 

“Is something wrong? You’ve been staring at me.” Cas asked, his face frowning with concern.

 

“Wha-? Oh, no. Sorry. You’re just so… never mind.” Dean mentally punched himself for being so _stupid_.

 

“So… what?” Cas encouraged.

 

“Just… amazing, really. That’s all.” Dean blushed.

 

Cas smiled back at him and reached into his back pocket, pulling out a twenty, slapping it on the table and standing up. “Come on, babe, let’s go home.”

 

Dean stood up with him. “Cas, I can’t let you pay for me-“

 

“Dean, I’m your boyfriend, I asked you out on a date, and I want to treat you right. Besides, Gabriel got home an hour before I went to pick you up and he gave me two hundred dollars to spend on you. The only reason I didn’t is because I was worried you would think I was trying to buy you.”

 

“I would never think that,” Dean said, grabbing Cas’ hand and slowly leading him out of the diner. “but why would he give you so much?”

 

“It isn’t, to him. When my parents died, we inherited their fortune, which was more than expected. On top of that, Gabriel is the producer of some doctor show. He has more money than he knows what to do with, so he spends it on me, trying to make me happy.”

 

“Must be nice.” Dean wondered what it would be like to be rolling around in cash, instead of struggling to make ends meet and never seeing his mother. _Wait, did he say doctor show?_

 

“He has good intentions.”

 

“Cas, what’s the show called?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“The one that Gabriel produces?”

 

“Oh, um, _The Sexy Doctor_? I think?”

 

Dean stopped in the middle of the street, halfway to Cas’ car. “Is your brother the producer of _Doctor Sexy M.D._?”

 

“That’s it! Have you heard of it?”

 

“Heard of it? It’s my all-time favorite show!” Dean’s face turned bright red at the show of nerdiness.

 

Instead of calling him a loser, Cas just laughed and pulled him into a soft kiss before saying, “You are a wonderful dork, and I love it.”

 

Dean smiled against Cas’ chest and pushed him backwards a few steps until he hit the side of Cas’ car. He pressed his body flat against Cas’ and kissed him, slow and soft and long. Their hands wound their way up to each other’s waists, needing to be closer. Dean savored the sweet taste of Castiel.

 

“Let’s go talk.” Dean said, breaking away from the kiss and resting his forehead against Cas’.

 

Cas nodded at him and dug his keys out of his pocket, unlocking the car. Dean ran around to the other side and climbed in, buckling his seatbelt. Cas got in right after him, starting the car and getting back on the road. Dean glanced at the clock and was surprised that it was already 9:45. It felt like barely five minutes have gone by.

 

Dean began to bounce his knee, nervousness getting the best of him. Cas placed a soothing hand on his lower thigh, close to his knee, and traced small circles with his fingers that burned hot under his jeans. The drive was silent and Dean was busy thinking about all the things he had to say.

 

He felt the air get thick and it was hard to swallow. Cas must have noticed because he gave Dean’s knee a tight squeeze at the stoplight before giving a few quick, feather light kisses to his jaw and neck. It helped Dean relax and remind himself that he will be okay.

 

Before long they arrived in front of Cas’ big white house, Dean looking at the side of Cas’ face as he stared out the windshield.

 

“Let’s go.” Dean whispered.                    

 

Cas nodded and opened the car door, Dean doing the same. A rush of cool air filled his lungs and it was oddly calming. Cas came around to Dean’s side of the car and took his hand, fingers entwined, leading him into the house.

 

When they got inside, Dean and Cas took off their shoes and walked upstairs together. Before they got to the top, Cas stopped and turned to Dean.

 

“Gabriel is here.” he stated seriously.

 

“Okay?” Dean wondered why it mattered.

 

“He will want to meet you. We can just go downstairs, you don’t have to do this tonight.”

 

“No, I want to. He’s your brother.” Dean assured him.

 

Cas took a breath before finishing the stairs with Dean and calling out loudly, “Gabriel! I’m home!”

 

Footsteps sounded from a closed door around the hall. Dean stood their awkwardly, holding onto Cas’ hand tightly.

 

“Home so soon, Cassie? I thought you would be out all night and then taken him home with-“ Gabriel stopped as he opened the closed door and saw Dean. “Well, well, well, sealed the deal pretty quick little bro. Impressive.”

 

“ _Gabriel._ Knock it off.” Cas looked at Dean, who was staring at his feet nervously. “It’s not like that.”

 

Dean looked up at Cas, then Gabriel. He was a short man with longish caramel hair and honey colored eyes. His thin lips were set in a crooked smile.

 

“Trying something new, huh? Okay, then.” Gabriel turned to Dean and stuck out his hand. “I’m Gabriel, Cas’ brother, and you must be his _date._ ”

 

Dean shyly took his hand. “Dean. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“Wow! Smart enough to form complete sentences. That’s definitely a step up from your last one, Cassie.”

 

_Fuck. Was all of this just to get me in bed? I should have known. Nothing good ever happens to me and lasts. I should leave before he gets the wrong idea._

 

“ _Gabriel_! Enough! Dean and I are going into my room and don’t want to be disturbed. Understand?” Cas looked red.

 

“Oh, I understand. See you kids in the morning! Use protection!” Gabriel hopped down the stairs and into the kitchen, out of sight.

 

Dean looked up at Cas, feeling a little dumb and a little humiliated. Okay, a _lot_.

 

“Don’t. Gabriel is just messing with you.”

 

“Maybe I should just go.” Dean turned away from him, stepping down the first stair.

 

“No! Please stay with me.” Cas grabbed Dean’s shoulder and pulled him back up. “You can trust me, Dean. I’m never going to take advantage of you. I promise. We won't do anything.”

 

Before Dean could say anything he was pulled into a tight hug. He nodded against Cas’ chest and walked with him to his room. They sat down on the bed, cross legged and facing each other.

 

“What did you want to talk about?”

 

“A few… things.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please! 
> 
> Next update will be Monday or Tuesday! 
> 
> Love you all and thanks for reading!


	14. Different Ways of Dealing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for self harm and cutting
> 
> please dont read if you get easily triggered
> 
> i love you all and dont want any of you to be uncomfortable of tempted
> 
>  
> 
> on another note, the second part of this chapter is really fluffy and i think its cute. sam and cas relationship development ensues
> 
>  
> 
> read on!

_**Monday, April 15** _

 

“What did you want to talk about?”

 

“A few… things.”

                           

Dean looked for encouragement from Cas. He received a nod and a serious expression from the boy before continuing.

 

“When I was 14, I told my mom that I was gay. She was so supportive and understanding and told me that my father would be, too. That was one of the only things she was ever wrong about. But I made the mistake of telling him when he was drunk. He didn’t understand. He didn’t support me. He told me to never talk about being gay again and forget about being a _f-faggot_." Dean absolutely hated that word. "My dad screamed at me to go to my room and I did, but I kept listening to what my parents were saying. My mom was defending me and trying to reason with my father, but he wouldn’t have it. He….” Dean felt his eyes burn and throat get tight.

 

“Dean, it’s okay.” Cas soothed.

 

“He hit her. Hard. And then he left.” Dean felt a hot tear fall from the corner of his eye. He made to wipe it away but Cas beat him to it. His warm, soft hand held Dean’s jaw, thumb feeling over his cheek.

 

“C’mere,” Cas took Dean sideways into his lap. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

 

Dean nodded against his chest.

 

“He crashed the Impala. Died on impact. And it was because of me.” Dean thought he would feel better after he told Cas about that. He just felt heavier.

 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and pulled him tight against his chest. “It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t say that.”

 

Dean just shook his head. “I had to tell Sammy. He didn’t understand that Dad wasn’t coming back.”

 

Dean sat there, head against Cas’ chest, knees pulled up, remembering when he broke the news to Sam, and how he thought their dad would be back the next day. He fit in between Cas’ legs comfortably and started to feel better the tighter Cas held him. He waited a moment to remember what it was like to be held by Cas before continuing with what would most likely break their relationship.

 

Dean pulled away from Cas and sat on the other side of the bed, facing away from him. When Cas came to put him arm around Dean, he shrugged it off, and Cas didn't press for contact.

 

“I didn’t know how to deal with it. All the blame was on me, he wouldn’t have been driving drunk if I hadn’t talked to him. He wouldn’t have hit my mother if I kept my stupid mouth shut.” Dean shut his eyes and took a breath. It all came out at once. “So, after about a year of pain and not knowing what to do with myself, I found something. I was in the shower when I saw my mom’s razor. I took it apart and held one of the blades in my fingers. Then I... I ran it along the inside of my arm… and… I probably needed stitches… and….” Dean’s voice failed him. He began to openly cry at the memory of seeing so much blood fall down with the water. He should have been terrified, but it felt _good_.

 

He wanted to look up at Cas, but he couldn’t face him. Dean didn’t want to have to see the disgust on his face.

 

“Dean, do you want me to leave you alone, or stay?” Dean was confused. Cas didn’t want him out of his house? Gone, forever?

 

“W-what?” He managed to croak out.

 

Cas put a hand on his back. “Should I stay with you, or go?”

 

“Stay, stay. Please.” Dean pulled his knees up to his chest and cried harder when his body started to tremble.

 

Cas nodded and got up from sitting beside Dean. “Wh-where are y-you goin-ng?”

 

“Shhhh, I’m not leaving you.” Cas came back to Dean with a thick blanket. He wrapped it around Dean from behind and picked him up carefully, laying him down tenderly on the pillows. Cas wiped away the tears staining his face and pulled him close. They laid like that for a long time, Dean slowing down his breathing and Cas holding his arm tight around Dean.

 

After Dean calmed down more, he started to talk again. “Cas, I don’t understand. I just told you that I _cut_ myself. My body is ruined. It wasn’t just that one time, that one moment. It was _every single day_ for almost a year. It was a year until I even realized that I needed to stop. A _year_. And I didn’t care. I _don’t_ care. Why didn’t you kick me out? I…I’m not good anymore.”

 

“Dean. Stop. I am _not_ leaving you because you don’t think you’re good enough. You had nothing to do with your father’s death. I’m sorry that happened and that you had to take the blame. So forget about me going away. Because I’m not. Nothing you can do or have done is going to make me want to leave. I don’t care what your skin looks like. I care about your emotional health and how you’re feeling.”

 

Dean got up off the bed at this. He had to be sure that Cas wasn't just trying to be polite or not make Dean cry for the thousandth time. “Cas! I’m disgusting!”

 

He pulled his flannel off his body over his head and turned his wrists up to the ceiling. He felt extremely exposed all of a sudden and wished he could zap his shirt back on. Cas just stood next to him, staring at his face, not his cuts.

 

“You’re beautiful.”

 

Dean huffed a pained laugh before taking off his grey undershirt. He turned sideways and showed Cas the thick scars on his sides and stomach.

 

“Still amazing, Dean.”

 

Dean felt more hot tears pooling in the corners of his eyes when he took his belt off, dropping it on the ground. He unbuttoned his jeans and tore them down his legs, kicking them off his feet. The wide red gashes completely exposed, legs bare. “Cas! I can’t look at myself anymore without feeling like I’m going to be sick! How can you say that these hideous scars that are _all over my body_ are _beautiful_?”

 

“I don’t think your scars are beautiful. I think _you_ are.” Cas stepped towards Dean slowly, reaching out and taking his hand.

 

“But-“ Dean protested.

 

“No. You’ve been hurt. We all have different ways of dealing with things. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make you unlovable or less of anything. So please don’t think that way.” Cas’ voice started out strong, but it broke at the end.

 

Even though Dean was feeling slightly less awful, fresh, hot tears slid down his face. His legs felt week and he just wanted to collapse into himself. Everyone always said that if you talk about it, you’ll feel better. He didn’t feel better. He felt sick. Dean regretted calling Cas on Saturday. He didn’t deserve to feel obligated to help Dean or make him feel good for once. Despite everything Cas said, he wanted to cut. Right then. He felt humiliated and useless.

 

Cas let go of his hand and pulled him into a tight hug. That’s when Dean didn’t care about not being selfish anymore. He let go. Dean grabbed Cas’ waist and back and pressed him closer to his exposed body. His knees gave out and Cas held him up. Dean shuddered and started to openly cry again, letting the tears flow. Cas stepped backwards until he could sit at the edge of his bed and pulled Dean down with him. He stretched out on his back and let Dean lay on him.

 

Dean felt too exposed and cold, so he tried to get out of Cas’ grasp and get his clothes from the floor but he ended up in a crying heap on the ground, jeans in hand. Cas picked him up again and laid him gently on the bed. He covered Dean with a different blanket, this one heavier and warmer.

 

Dean just sat there, curled up into himself. He thought this would be freeing. Dean couldn’t see Cas, but he felt him, rubbing a soothing hand on his back slowly, quietly shushing him. He suddenly became very aware that he was only wearing his underwear, but he relaxed once he remembered that he was covered by the blanket.

 

Dean’s crying turned into quiet sobs and hiccups as the night went on. Once he had calmed down all the way and his breathing returned to normal, Cas moved so he was in front of Dean. Dean sat up and wrapped the blanket around himself tighter, covering up. Cas swiped a thumb over each of Dean’s cheeks before kissing them lightly.

 

Cas pressed a light kiss to Dean’s mouth before just sitting there with him and letting Dean’s head rest on his shoulder. Dean began to feel tired and drained of any energy and before he knew it, his eye lids started to droop.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas pulled back the thick covers of his bed and slowly lowered Dean to it. He tucked Dean in, careful to not wake him, and gave him a soft kiss to his forehead.

 

He sighed at the sight of him, cheeks red and puffy, eyes wet around the edges. How could someone so beautiful be in so much pain?

 

Cas was glad that Dean opened up to him. That meant that they could be honest with each other. He didn’t care that Dean self-harmed. Well, he cared, obviously, but about his emotional health and well-being, not that Dean had scars on his skin.

 

Cas _was_ worried, though. He didn’t think that he would be able to help Dean get past this. He didn’t know what to say or what to do, or how to prevent it from happening again.

 

Standing up, Cas walked over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants. He stripped his jeans off and pulled them on, throwing the denim into the pile of Dean’s clothes on the floor. Cas turned off the light and opened the bedroom door quietly, stepping out and shutting it behind him so he wouldn’t wake Dean.

 

He found Gabriel laying on the couch downstairs, watching reruns of _Friends._ Cas came over by him and nudged his foot to move over. Gabriel pulled his legs up and looked at Cas questioningly.

 

“What are you doing down here? I thought your hot date was with you.” Gabriel teased, but Cas was too tired to play around. He plopped down on the couch and brought his knees up to his chest.

 

“I didn’t bring Dean home to have sex and I would appreciate it if you would not act like such a dick around him.” Cas snapped.

 

“Alright, alright. Where is he anyways?” Gabe asked, looking around the room as if expecting to see Dean hiding.

 

“Asleep.” Cas stated. He didn’t go into details and Gabriel didn’t ask, thank god.

 

“Okay, then. And why aren’t you with him?”

 

“I want to give him some space. I know this may seem hard to believe, but I actually care about him and want this relationship to work. We moved. I have a fresh start. And it’s with Dean. I’m not going to dumb parties with people I don’t care about or don’t like being with. So that also means no more one night stands or sleeping around like earlier this year.”

 

“Good for you. Where did you take him, anyways?”

 

“The diner.”

 

“I gave you two hundred bucks and you took him to the _diner_?” Gabriel asked, disbelieving.

 

“I bought him flowers, too. Gabe, he wears flannels and jeans and likes classic rock and drives a muscle car that he fixes _himself_. I don’t think he would like dinner at a fancy restaurant.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

Cas nodded and stole the remote from Gabriel, pressing ‘guide’ to check the time. 2:17. _Shit._

 

“I need you to call me in sick for school in the morning. Dean, too.”

 

“Already? Cassie, you just had your first day.”

 

“I know, I know. It’s important, though. Please?” Cas begged. Dean would certainly not be fit to go to school in the morning and he didn’t want to leave him alone.

 

“Sure, I don’t care. But just tomorrow. You have to get used to living and going to school here.”

 

“Thank you. Are you going to be home tomorrow?” Cas asked.

 

“No, I have meetings at the studio all day. I can cancel if you want.” Cas knew Gabriel was a big time business man, but he did care about his brother and would do anything to make Cas happy.

 

“No, don’t. I think you made Dean uncomfortable earlier. I’d rather be alone with him.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’m leaving around nine and won’t be back home until sevenish.” Gabriel sat up.

 

“Okay. I’ll do our laundry.” Cas turned to face Gabriel.

 

“I’m going to bed. Go back up to bed with Dean and don’t even think about crashing on the couch,” Gabriel winked, “and no sex in the kitchen.”

 

“ _Gabriel!_ ” Cas whisper-yelled, trying not to wake Dean even though he was one floor up behind a closed door.

 

“I’m kidding! ‘Night, Cassie!” Gabriel patted Cas on the back and stepped quietly up the stairs.

 

Cas sat there a minute, turned off the TV, then followed him up. Gabriel was in the main bathroom brushing his teeth when Cas walked past. He gave a small wave and continued to his bedroom, pushing the door open slowly. He made out the outline of Dean’s body, laying on his side and hidden beneath the blankets.

 

There was a steady rise and fall of Dean’s chest with his breathing, and it was sort of… calming. Cas closed the door behind him and tip-toed around the room to the other side of the bed. He tenderly got under the covers, trying not to wake Dean with the change in weight. Cas didn’t know if he should wrap his arms around Dean or give him space, so he decided to lay behind him with one hand on Dean’s hip.

 

His body was warm and Cas fell asleep instantly, loving that it was next to Dean.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos much appreciated! 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and any suggestions for future chapters?
> 
> You are all perfect and adorable and don't forget, lots of people love you, including me!
> 
> Update on Friday!


	15. Plans and Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing to really watch out for in this chapter, just some DeanCas fluff and a developing relationship between Sam and Cas!

**_April 16_ **

 

Cas woke up at 6 AM, tired from not nearly enough sleep. He didn’t dare wake Dean, though he took a moment to marvel at his beauty. His short, dark blonde hair was messy and his face was scrunched up against his pillow, bright green eyes closed lightly. He reluctantly got out of bed, leaving Dean, and trudged down the stairs, pulling on converse and grabbing his car keys and phone.

 

He ran out to his car and drove to Dean’s house, considering knocking on the door but trying the handle anyways. It was open, and he stepped inside.

 

“Sam?” He called. Cas walked further into the house, looking for Dean's brother. He saw a pajama clad figure walk slowly down the stairs.

 

“Cas? What are you doing here? Where’s Dean?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Dean wasn’t feeling well last night, so I let him sleep at my place.” Cas lied. “I didn’t want him to worry about you, so I came over to make sure you’re okay and to drive you to school.”

 

Sam pondered what Cas said, then nodded. “Okay, but I have to get dressed and eat, first.”

 

“Do whatever you need. Can you show me to Dean’s room? I want to bring him a few things for when he wakes up.” Cas asked, not wanting to sound creepy about going into Dean's room when he wasn't here and bringing him clothes.

 

“Oh, yeah, come on.” Sam gestured for Cas to follow him up the stairs and into what he supposed was Dean’s room.

 

Sam went back into his room, he assumed, leaving Castiel alone. He looked around, admiring the room. There were black and navy blue classic rock posters covering plain white walls, and green sheets on his bed. Cas moved over to the dresser and opened all the drawers until he found a short sleeve shirt, a long sleeved one, a pair of jeans, a pair of sweatpants, boxers, and socks.

 

Carrying the clothes in his arms, he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to sit by a properly dressed Sam, who was finishing breakfast at the table.

 

“Is Dean not coming to school?” Sam asked around a mouthful of oatmeal.

 

“No, he’s going to stay home. I don’t think he’s well enough to go to school.” Cas didn’t want to lie to Sam, but he didn't think that Dean would want him to know the truth.

 

“Oh. Okay.” They were silent for a few minutes.

 

“Sam?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah?” Sam stood up to put his bowl in the dishwasher.

 

“What does Dean like to eat for breakfast?”

 

“I don’t know, the usual. Eggs, bacon. Pancakes. Cereal. Whatever. He’s not really picky.” Sam shrugged.

 

Cas shook his head and turned his eyes to Sam. “Ready to go?”

 

“Yeah, let me grab my bag.” Sam ran upstairs and came back down in a few seconds with a backpack on his shoulders and shoes on.

 

They nodded at each other and walked out the door.

 

“Can I sit in the passenger’s side?” Sam asked when they reached the car.

 

Cas laughed at the question. “I’m not stopping you.”

 

“Cool!” Sam climbed excitedly into the front seat and buckled in.

 

Cas followed him, starting the car and reaching back to put Dean’s clothes in the backseat.

 

As he drove Sam to school, Cas asked him things that kids usually get asked. Like, ‘What’s your favorite color?’, and ‘How’s school going?’. All of his answers were bored but when he asked if Sam played any sports, he lit up.

 

“Yeah! I’m on a soccer team and I really like it. My coach told me I could play travel but we didn’t have enough money. Dean was really upset when he realized that I couldn’t play, but I didn’t care. I still have fun.” Sam relaxed into the seat more, becoming comfortable around Cas.

 

“Really? You sound like a real player. What position do you play?” Cas asked. He didn’t know much about soccer, or any sport, really, but there were obviously positions and places to be on the field, right?

 

“Mostly left forward. I don’t really score a lot because my left leg isn’t strong enough, but maybe next season I will.” Sam looked down at his hands.

 

“Don’t worry. You’ll get there. When do you have games?”

 

“On Saturday’s. Sometimes Dean and my mom can’t come but I like it when they do because I can hear them on the sideline.” Sam smiled at the memory.

 

While they were pulling up to the school, Cas asked him one more question.

 

“Can I come? To one of your games, I mean. Dean and I will come watch and cheer you on. I bet you’ll score a goal.” Cas really did want to go. He wanted to get close to Dean and getting close to him meant his family, too. And Sam seemed like a pretty cool kid.

 

“Yeah! I want you to come. I’ll tell you later this week what time. I know I’ll see you because Dean really likes you so you’ll probably be over at our house soon.” Sam unbuckled his seat belt and picked his backpack up.

 

“Yeah?” Cas asked, smiling.

 

“Yeah. Thanks for the ride, Cas!” Sam smiled at him before getting out of the car and running to walk with a small blonde girl that looked his age.

 

Cas drove home with a permanent smile on his face. When he got there, he checked the clock again to decide if he should make breakfast or go back to bed. 7:38 AM. Bed, definitely bed.

 

He took off his shoes and went upstairs quietly, entering his room with the sleeping Dean in it with caution. He dropped the pile of clothes on the ground and slipped into the bed again, pulling the covers tight and getting closer to Dean. He pressed his covered stomach to Dean’s bare back and held his hip again before drifting off into a light sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean woke up, feeling too hot from being smothered with what felt like a million blankets. That’s when he remembered he didn’t go home last night.

 

He tried to roll over to check the time, but he realized that he wasn’t alone, and that Cas had his arm wrapped around his hip. Dean put his hand over Cas’ and squeezed, but when he didn’t wake up, he turned to face Cas and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

 

Cas’ bright blue eyes opened slowly, smiling when he saw Dean.

 

“Hey,” Cas started.

 

“Hey.”

 

“How are you feeling?” Cas brushed their feet together.

 

“Hot. I should get out of bed and put my clothes back on. Then we should head to school before we get late.” Dean reasoned.

 

Cas chuckled. “Dean, it’s 9:35. We’re late. Don’t worry, though. Gabriel called school and excused us both.”

 

Late? What about Sam? He didn’t get home last night for him!

 

“Oh God. Sam’s probably freaking out. I should text him….”

 

“No, don’t worry. I got up and took him to school this morning, he was okay. I told him you were feeling sick, so you would stay home.” Cas assured him.

 

“Really?”

 

Cas nodded. “He’s a good kid. I enjoyed talking to him.”

 

“Yeah? What’d you talk about?” Dean was surprised. Cas could have just stayed with him but instead he got up at 6 in the morning to take his little brother to school.

 

“Soccer. By the way we’re going to his game this Saturday. Don’t make plans.” Cas grabbed his hip tighter and pulled him closer. It felt good.

 

“Yeah, right. I’m glad you get along. But, seriously, it’s like a hundred degrees.”

 

“I brought clothes from your place, I hope that was okay. I kind of, I want you to stick around today. If you want, I mean. And Gabriel’s gone. Don’t worry.”

 

Dean thought about it, then realized he _would_ rather stay here than go home. “Okay.”

 

Cas smiled at him, then leaned in for another quick kiss. Dean saw faint dark smudges under his eyes from where his eyeliner was.

 

“I’ll leave you alone to get dressed. Come downstairs when you’re ready, I’m making breakfast.” At that, Cas let go of Dean and rolled out, messy bed head and all. He shut the door behind him when he left, leaving Dean alone.

 

He was grateful that Cas gave him privacy, even though he showed him the scars and told him about it, Dean didn’t want him to have to see it all the time.

 

Dean hopped out of bed and took off his boxers, throwing them on the ground with the clothes he took off last night and laying them on the bed. He saw a pile of clean, folded clothes next to them and picked them up, smiling to himself at the fact that Cas brought him two pairs of pants and two shirts to choose from.

 

He pulled on his boxers and decided to wear the sweatpants instead of the jeans, if he was going to be lounging around with Cas all day, he wanted to be comfortable. Dean wore the long sleeve and put the denim and t-shirt back on the bed. He didn’t bother with socks, and went into the bathroom by Cas’ room barefoot. He looked in the mirror and tried to rub away the sleep from his eyes.

 

After going to the bathroom and washing his hands, Dean tried to fix his outrageous bed head, but ended up just messing it up more. He gave up and went to follow where Cas went down the spiral staircase.

 

Dean stopped at the last step, watching Cas fill pancake batter into a pan and then flip an egg over. He was adorable, with his hair all over the place and too-long sweatpants hanging low on his hips and covering his feet. Cas’ forearm muscles moved tightly under his wing tattoo, and the way his arms moved lifted his shirt just enough so that the dream catcher on his hipbone was peeking out.

 

_God, I love those tattoos._

Cas looked up from the pans to look at Dean. “Hey, baby, I didn’t know what you liked, so I, kind of, made everything.”

 

Dean stepped down from the stair and walked over to where Cas was standing. Cas gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and rubbed his back. Dean leaned into the touch.

 

“I can see that,” Dean kissed his cheek, “and thank you.”

 

Cas checked to see that the bacon was done. Once satisfied, he split the pancakes into two plates, then bacon, then eggs evenly. He handed the plates to Dean and pointed to the breakfast bar while he got out orange juice.

 

Dean set the plates down and took a seat on the stool. He turned around to watch Cas get cups and forks and walk back to Dean, sitting next to him and letting their knees touch.

 

“So… what do you want to do today? We have the house to ourselves, a credit card, and about six hours until you have to go to work.” Cas poured a glass of juice then handed the carton to Dean.

 

Dean wished he knew of somewhere to take Cas, but things in that town weren’t all that exciting.

 

“Have you been to the city since you moved?” Dean asked.

 

“No. Do you want to go?” Cas seemed excited.

 

“Yeah, I mean I think it could be fun. We could pretty much do anything up there, and things here aren’t fun at all.” Dean took his first bite of pancake and tried not to moan aggressively, but ultimately failed. “Damn, Cas, these are amazing!”

 

Cas looked up from his plate and smiled at Dean. “Good, because that’s all I know how to make. And, yes. Let’s definitely go to the city.”

 

They kissed softly and finished breakfast, Dean in a slight hurry to get Cas in the Impala and on the road. After putting their plates and cups in the dishwasher, Dean took Cas’ hand and led him into the living room. He pressed Cas up against a blank part of the wall and grabbed his waist with his free hand.

 

“ _Dean_ , if we start making out I won’t be able to stop. And then we won’t end up actually going to the city.”

 

“It’s worth a try, right?” Dean teased.

 

Cas rolled his eyes and leaned into Dean, pressing their lips together tenderly.

 

They kissed slowly and softly, taking their time with each other. Dean held his hand tight, squeezing his fingers and rubbing his thumb over the back of Cas’ hand.

 

Dean gently sucked on Cas’ bottom lip, resulting in Cas pressing his body flush against Dean’s. Cas wrapped his free hand around Dean’s shoulder and neck, pulling him closer. Dean angled his mouth to deepen the kiss, loving the taste of Cas on his tongue.

 

He moaned into Cas’ ear when Cas turned his head to kiss Dean’s cheeks.

 

“Let’s go.” Dean whispered.

 

Cas nodded. “Let me get dressed?”

 

Dean stepped back and let Cas go back upstairs. He watched as he disappeared down the hallway and then took a seat on the brown leather couch, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs.

 

He thought a lot about the night before, and what he let out. Cas didn’t really say anything about it. He just calmed Dean down and comforted him, kind of letting him get used to the situation on his own. Dean didn’t know if he wanted to talk about it more, or just let everything happen.

 

Now that he knew that Cas wasn’t going to leave him, Dean wanted to start to feel comfortable with himself so that he could do more with Cas. Dean wanted to give him everything, but he couldn’t do that if he was self-conscious all the time of his body. Even though he had countless problems with it in his head, Cas didn’t shy away from the sight of his scars nor did he stare. He decided to work on his self-esteem, whether it works or not. Cas deserves more.

 

Dean just had to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I'm thinking about doing their day in the city be fluffy and stress free, but the next few chapters be some angst and relationship development. Always leave a comment! I love to know what you beautiful people think!
> 
> Be good and love yourself, darlings <3


	16. Chicago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I NEVER SAID WHERE THEY LIVE. SO I AM NOW. THEY LIVE IN SOME CHICAGO SUBURB SO LIKE 'THE CITY' IS REFERRING TO CHICAGO. JUST PRETEND I DIDN’T LEAVE THAT VITAL PIECE OF INFORMATION OUT EXCUSE MY STUPIDITY SO SORRY TO ROB YOU OF THAT.
> 
>  
> 
> Also more fluff

_**April 16** _

 

Cas came skipping down the stairs in dark jean shorts that were cuffed an inch above the knee, a plain black v-neck tee, dark gray Vans, and a pair of aviators perched on the top of his head. His keys dangled from his fingers, clanking together.

 

“You look incredible, and put your keys down because we’re taking the Impala.” Dean stood to meet him with a kiss.

 

Cas threw his keys onto the couch and took Dean’s hand. “To your house, then!”

 

Dean laughed as he pushed through the front door and tugged at Cas’ arm. “So, any ideas of what you want to do?”

 

Cas tilted his head to the right, thinking about the question. “I don’t really know. I don’t go to many cities a lot. And this would be the first time I went to Chicago.”

 

Dean’s eyes went wide. “You’ve never been to the greatest city in the world? We’re going to change that right now.” Dean tugged at Cas’ hand and walked faster.

 

When they got back to Dean’s he brought them inside and told Cas to wait. “Let me just get a few things.”

 

Cas nodded and Dean ran upstairs, grabbing his lightest jeans, his thinnest flannel, and pulled them all on. He double checked that he had his phone and wallet with him before adding his wayfarer sunglasses and black converse and running down the stairs to meet Cas.

 

He grabbed his keys from the counter and put a hand to the small of Cas’ back before leading him out the door and into the Impala.

 

Dean started the car and turned the radio on, loud, but not too loud. He’d had the route to Chicago memorized ever since he got his license. When he was feeling awful, he took a drive into the city and it calmed him down.

 

Cas put a hand on Dean’s knee as he flipped both of their sunglasses onto their faces. Dean turned onto the highway and rolled the windows down. The wind hit their faces, the familiar feeling good on his skin.

 

Dean turned the music up and draped an arm over Cas’ shoulders. Cas leaned into Dean, getting comfortable by his body. They drove in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Dean rubbed Cas’ shoulder and sometimes Cas would tilt his head up to kiss Dean.

 

The radio station that was turned on originally was spotty from their town, and out on the road it got a little more out of range. After too much static, Dean shut the radio off.

 

“Hey, babe? Can you open the glove compartment and pick out a tape?” Dean asked.

 

Cas sat up. “Tapes? You have _tapes_?”

 

“Yeah. This car is old. Don’t hate on Baby.” Dean joked.

 

Cas laughed and started leafing through some of the old cassette tapes. He picked one out and slid it into the receiver, leaning back into Dean as the music played. _Back in Black_ poured out of the speakers and Dean hummed along to the tune.

 

They were interrupted when Dean felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket. He pushed Cas off of him gently and shifted to get his phone out. Dean knew he shouldn’t look at it while driving, so he reluctantly turned the music down and handed his phone to Cas.

 

“See who it is?” Dean offered.

 

Cas looked down at the phone. “Sam. He said he’s going to a girl named Jess’ house after school, and to feel better."

 

“Oh, okay. So that means I can ditch work and stay here until dark with you.” Dean thought about them sitting off the dock at Navy Pier, watching the skyline.

 

“I can’t let you take off of work because of me.” Cas gave him a light kiss to the cheek.

 

“I want to. Please? We can spend the whole day together.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes. “Okay, but don’t make a habit of it. I don’t want you to get fired because of me.”

 

Dean laughed. “Hey, tell Sammy that he can go to her house, but don’t get too handsy.”

 

“Dean! I am not telling that to your brother!” Cas exclaimed, slapping Dean’s thigh playfully.

 

“Fine. Then tell him to have fun and I’ll pick him up at nine.”

 

“That, I can do.” Cas sent the message and gave Dean back his phone, who shoved it into his pocket again. Cas settled into Dean’s outstretched arm once more, turning the music up again. Dean relaxed into his body, feeling in control. The chill of the wind that found its way into the car felt refreshing.

 

After they had gone a few more miles, Cas sat up abruptly.

 

“There it is! The skyline!” Cas’ mouth was turned into the brightest smile.

 

Dean loved that Cas was excited about this. He loved that he could do something for him.

 

“Yeah, it’s pretty, isn’t it?” He encouraged.

 

“Oh, it’s just _beautiful_. I've seen pictures but this is so much better. What’s that big one? Is that the Sears Tower?” Cas pointed to the John Hancock Center.

 

Dean chuckled lightly. “No, baby, _that’s_ the Sears Tower.” He brought Cas’ gaze to the other side of the scene and onto the tall dark building with two antennae at the top.

 

“Is that were we’re going?” Cas asked.

 

“Another time. I promise. Today, I want to take you to Navy Pier and the Bean and around Millennium Park.” Dean played absently with the earring in Cas’ left ear.

 

Cas nodded and settled into Dean again. He took Dean’s fingertips from the side of his head and kissed them lightly before resting them on his chest.

 

This was all new to Dean. Everything that he has done in the past few days. He shared his secrets. He had his first kiss. He was genuinely comfortable with Cas and felt like he didn’t just meet him. Dean felt as though Cas had been his best friend for years, only now they had confessed their true feelings. It was natural and he liked feeling wanted.

 

* * *

 

 

“What if it breaks? I could die.” Cas held Dean’s hand tightly as they stood in line for the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier.

 

Dean laughed and rubbed his back reassuringly. “It’s not going to break. You’re not going to die. I promise. We’ll have the best view of the lake at the top. Don’t worry.”

 

Cas nodded and held onto Dean’s hand as they stepped into the moving car. Dean pulled him down next to him and put his arm around Cas’ shoulders.

 

“ _Dean_. We’re getting higher.”

 

“Yeah, we are. That’s how these things work. Relax, babe,” Dean pulled Cas closer to his chest and put his lips by his ear. “see the lake? We’re gonna walk the beaches along it. And then I’m gonna take you to Millennium Park, and see Crown Fountain. This summer, I’m going to take you to the Taste of Chicago, and maybe we can go for a boat ride together.”

 

Cas looked up at him. “You think we’re going to be together then?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Dean kissed him lightly. “Hey, look, we’re already at the top. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

 

“You distracted me! But, okay. I can admit that I don’t think I’m going to die anymore.” Cas kissed Dean’s cheek. “Thank you.”

 

Dean huffed a laugh and ran his hand through Cas’ hair. When they got about halfway down the wheel, Dean decided to think out loud.

 

“Why do you mean so much to me?”

 

“What?” Cas sat up to look at him.

 

“I don’t know, I just…. I just mean that you’re my _boy_ friend, and I’ve never had one of those, and I mean, sure, you’re first relationship is supposed to be great and all but this just feels… better than that. I don’t know. Never mind, that makes no sense.” Dean sighed quietly.

 

“It makes all the sense in the world. I’ve felt more with you in a weekend than I have ever with anybody else. All my past relationships, if you could call it that, mean nothing. You’re important to me. Don’t think otherwise.” Cas wrapped his arms loosely around Dean’s neck and pulled him into a deep kiss.

 

Dean pulled apart moment later only because they had to get off. Cas took his hand and jumped out of the car onto the concrete platform.

 

“Where to?” Cas’ blue eyes searched Dean’s face.

 

“The beach!”

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s c-cold!” Cas yelped, trying to run back to the sand from where he was, calf-deep in Lake Michigan

 

Dean stood watching. He held Cas’ shoes in one hand and blocked the sun out of his eyes with the other. It was slightly chilly by the water, but extremely sunny even with sunglasses. The beach was almost completely empty, other than a few runners and bikers going past the side walk; it was still too cold to swim.

 

“Yeah, baby. It’s Lake Michigan!” Dean laughed. Cas splashed out of the water and gave Dean a quick kiss on the lips. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck.

 

“Come in with me?” Cas asked, kissing Dean’s neck.

 

“I’m wearing jeans….” Dean countered uselessly.

 

Cas let out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes, and sat down in the sand at Dean’s feet. He started rolling up the ends of Dean’s jeans halfway up his calf. Then he unlaced Dean’s shoes and lifted each foot up to take them and his socks off. Cas picked them up and stood to meet Dean, handing him his shoes.

 

“Now you don’t have an excuse.” Cas smirked a little before leaning in for another soft kiss. Dean dropped their shoes in the sand and took Cas by the hand.

 

“Come on, it starts to feel good after you’re in for a while.” Dean led him by the hand into the water where small waves were crashing against the hard sand. The cold water brushed his toes and gave him a chill, but he took another step, submerging his ankles. Cas followed slowly behind and gasped when his feet hit the water.

 

Cas let go of Dean’s hand and moved so the he had his back to the lake and faced Dean.

 

“Kiss me.” Cas breathed. Dean didn’t hesitate to close the gap between them, wrapping his arms tight around Cas’ shoulders and pressing their lips together. They leaned into each other, tasting and licking softly into each other’s mouths. Cas snaked his arms around Dean’s waist and held him firmly.

 

Dean preferred the soft, slow kisses. He liked how he could take his time and breathe Cas in, feeling his mouth with his tongue and body with his hands.

 

They stayed like that, wrapped around each other, until their mouth’s hurt, Cas resting the top of his toes on Dean’s and letting Dean kiss him over and over.

 

“Come on, baby. Let’s go back, I wanna take you somewhere.”

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s very big.” Cas said, biting into his half-eaten-by-Dean hot dog and leaning into him as he gazed up at Cloud Gate, or the bean.

 

“You think? Come on, let’s go under it.” Dean took Cas’ hand and led him to stand directly under the arch.

 

There may have been a few other people in the park walking around, but Dean honestly didn’t see them. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of Cas and his perfect everything.

 

“Wait, I’ll be right back.” Cas let go of Dean’s hand and started running towards a bench. Dean was confused until he saw Cas throw away what was left of his hot dog and run back to him.

 

“Couldn’t wait?” Dean asked, amused.

 

“Well, now I can touch you with both my hands.”

 

Dean smiled wide. He was still in awe of _Cas_. He was beautiful with his dark hair and bright eyes and toothy smile and thick lips. He was gorgeous with his tattoos and piercings that were so _him_ that it was unbelievable that he wanted to hide it so he would be accepted into a new school and didn’t get made fun of. And the way his head tilted slightly to the right and he squinted when he was confused made Dean’s head spin.

 

This perfect boy _liked_ him.

 

Him and his mediocrity. His average light brown hair, dull green eyes and his unwanted freckles. Dean will never understand Cas.

 

“Dean? Why are you staring at me? Do I have mustard on my face or something? Just tell me because I don’t want to walk around with-”

 

Dean cut him off with a bruising kiss.

 

“You’re incredible. Come on, there’s one more place I want to show you.”

 

* * *

 

 

“The faces change…?” Cas asked. He had his arm around Dean’s waist, pulling him closer while Dean rested his hand on the small of his back.

 

“Yeah. This is one of my favorite places in Chicago, it’s called Crown Fountain.” Dean tore his gaze away from the side of Cas’ face to the darkening sky. It was half past seven and they should be getting on the road soon if he was going to pick Sam up at nine.

 

Their shoes were once again abandoned on a bench, ankle deep in water. They stood just out of reach of the fountain shooting out thick streams of water. Cas rested his head against Dean’s shoulder and sighed lightly. The silence was nice. The only sounds heard were the distant sirens of fire trucks or police cars, the occasional laugh or scream of the kids playing nearby, and the heavy rush of water. Dean turned to pull Cas in for a quick kiss on the lips, but Cas put his hand on the back of Dean’s neck, holding him close.

 

When they broke apart, Dean took Cas’ hand and led him back to the bench where their shoes were. Trying to put socks on wet feet wasn’t the easiest, but they eventually pulled them on and their shoes. Dean and Cas walked back to the Impala parked on the street, hand in hand. They got in and Dean got back on the road, tired from the long day, itching to see Sam, and excited for the long drive alone with Cas.

 

Not long after they started driving, Cas gave Dean a kiss on the cheek and nuzzled into his side. Dean got Goosebumps, and he rolled up the windows since the temperature was dropping. He kept his left hand on the wheel, but let his right hand wander around Cas’ sides and back.

 

Time flew by, and before he knew it, he was dropping Cas off at his front door. Before he said goodbye, he pinned Cas up against the door and kissed him, long and hard, pressing their bodies together. When the kiss ended, Cas was smiling brightly.

 

“Thank you for taking me.” Cas put his forehead against Dean’s, breathing heavily.

 

“Thank you for last night.” Dean ducked his head to lightly pepper kisses along Cas’ jaw and neck.

 

Cas gave his hand a tight squeeze and he turned to open the door before giving a small smile and wave and disappearing behind it.

 

Dean left to go get Sam, then took him back home. They didn’t talk, just drove and got ready for bed in comfortable silence. When Sam was heading to bed, Dean followed him into his room. Sam got under his covers and turned on his side, facing Dean who sat on the edge of his bed.

 

“I’m sorry for not telling you I was sleeping over. I should have come home and not left you alone.”

 

“Mom came home around midnight, so I wasn’t really alone. She woke me up to let me know she was here, and when she said she was going into your room, I told her not to bother, that you needed to sleep. She left at six in the morning, though, to go back to work. I was fine, Cas came and got me and everything.” Sam promised, obviously trying to make Dean feel better.

 

“Thanks, Sammy.” Dean pat his shoulder and leaned in to kiss his forehead.

 

“I love you, Dean.” Sam whispered as Dean got up from his bed.

 

Dean stopped at Sam’s door and turned to face him. “Love you too, Sam.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment PLEASE it is my motivation. A little more angst in the next chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!!! Love you guys <3


	17. Dean Was Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cute fluffy bonding time!

**_Friday, April 19_ **

 

“…Mr. Novak? Are you listening?”

 

Cas looked away from the perfect man sitting next to him to face Mr. McPherson.

 

“Wha-? Oh, uh,” Cas turned red. He wasn’t listening to the lesson, but admiring Dean. The way his jaw clenches when he was writing, and how his eyes closed when he was concentrating.

 

“Can you answer the question?”

 

Cas didn’t even know what the question _was_.

 

“Well,” he made it look like he was thinking.

 

“ _Bacteria_ ,” Dean whispered. His head was tilted toward the book, but he saw a faint smirk on his lips.

 

“Bacteria, sir.” Castiel answered. Mr. McPherson gave him a suspicious look, but carried on with the lesson.

 

When his attention was turned elsewhere, Dean looked up and gave Cas a small wink and a smile.

 

 _Thanks_ , Cas mouthed. Dean just ducked his head and snaked his hand to the middle of Cas’ muscular thigh under the table

 

* * *

 

 

“Thank you, for earlier in class. I should have been paying attention.” Cas told Dean, then gave him a quick kiss on the lips. They were in the school parking lot, getting ready to get Sam from his school.

 

“What were you even doing?” Dean asked.

 

“Honestly?” Cas didn’t know if the answer of, _staring at you because you’re the most amazing and incredible being ever and I think I’m really falling too hard for you considering you’ve been my boyfriend for almost a week,_ was a creepy answer or not.

 

“Honestly.”

 

“I wasn’t paying attention because I was… I was looking at you.” Cas closed his eyes.

 

“Me? Why?”

 

“Dean, I know it’s weird but you’re just so damn adorable in every way and science class sucks and you’re so close to me for an hour but I can’t kiss you and you’re gorgeous all the time and I’m sorry.” Cas knew he was rambling but he didn’t care. Dean was chuckling by the time he finished talking.

 

“Relax, baby. I don’t think it’s weird. I look at you all the time. I only said ‘why’ because I didn’t know why you wanted to look at _me_ , that’s all.” Dean assured him.

 

Cas rolled his eyes and got in his car, Dean doing the same on the passenger’s side. When both the doors were shut behind them, Cas pulled Dean in for a slow, tentative kiss. “That’s all? Dean, I did because you’re beautiful and breathtaking and all the things you think you’re not.”

 

Dean turned his head away at the words. He was still uncomfortable with Cas complimenting him or telling him all the things he sees in him. “Come on, Sam’s gonna want to get his homework done so he can go to bed early. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 7:00 AM for his soccer game.”

 

Cas noticed that Dean either refused to acknowledge what he said or didn’t want to talk about it, but he could save that conversation for another time.

 

“Okay.” He started his car and drove down the street to the junior high. When Cas pulled up to the curb, Sam jumped into the car, slinging his backpack across the backseat.

 

“Hey! Dean, is Cas staying for pizza?”

 

Dean laughed and turned to face Cas. “We’re ordering pizza and watching a movie tonight. Wanna come over? Sam’s going to be early but we can stay up.” Dean lifted his eyebrow suggestively to Cas, smiling uncontrollably.

 

Cas was sure Gabriel couldn’t care less.

 

“I’d love to.” Cas gave Dean a kiss on the lips before turning back on the road again.

 

“Are you guys gonna kiss all night? Because you’re louder than you think and I need to sleep. And when you ever have sex, don’t do it at our house, _Dean_ , we have thin walls.” Sam piped in from the backseat.

 

“Sam!” Dean scolded. He turned around in his seat to give him a look, then sat straight again.

 

Cas immediately turned bright red, trying to sneak a glance Dean’s way, but he couldn’t catch his eye. They hadn’t even talked about sex. Of course there was that one night where Gabriel was completely inappropriate and Cas had to make sure Dean knew he wasn’t after him for his dick. That doesn’t count. But _of course_ they hadn’t talked about it. It’s only been a week.

 

It’s not like he hasn’t _thought_ about it, it’s just that he knows that Dean is uncomfortable with his body, and Cas wants to make him feel good about himself before they take that next step. He knows that Dean has scars, he’s seen them, and there are a _lot_. But he cares what Dean is doing _now_. Not a year ago. They never really talked about it after Monday night, and Cas wants to know what Dean’s situation is and try to help him out of it. It is something that Dean has to want for himself and he just needs a little encouragement and reason to get better, because right now he thinks the reason of _himself_ isn’t good enough, which it is. And it's awful that he doesn't think so.

 

At Sam’s comment though, he thought back to the night before, when he and Dean were up until 2:00 AM making out on Dean’s bed. It wasn’t a very good idea, since they had school, but it sure was at the time. Sam had complained in the morning about the noise level when he picked them up, and he did feel bad.

 

“I promise we’ll be quiet.” Cas laughed.

 

“Or we could just go in the basement,” Dean suggested, leaning in to kiss Cas on the cheek. His skin burned hot where Dean’s lips brushed against it.

 

Cas nodded and tried to fight the giant smile that was forming on the corners of his lips, ultimately failing miserably.

 

“So, Sam. Are you excited for your soccer game tomorrow?” Cas asked, trying to move the conversation along.

 

“Yeah. But don’t yell from the sidelines too much! You’re gonna embarrass me,” Sam said, punching Dean lightly on the shoulder from the back. “ _Dean_.”

 

“Hey!” Dean defended, turning around to say something childish back.

 

Cas loved watching them, their mindless, playful banter and complaints were filled with silent, _I love you_ ’s, until at night when Dean would say goodnight to his brother, the silent words were said aloud and without hesitation. He didn’t know what that was like. Sure, Gabriel loved him and gave him everything he could ever need and want. Dean and Sam don’t even have everything that they _need_ , much less what they _want_ , but they manage to never fight more than the occasional bicker and love each other endlessly.

 

Cas hasn’t met their mother, but by what Dean has told him, she sounds amazing. It must be hard for them, she’s almost never home and when she is it’s to sleep and do chores. Cas wished he could help, but he knew it would come off the wrong way.

 

“… do your homework first!”

 

“Fine, jerk!”

 

“Bitch!”

 

Cas tuned in just in time for their pet names. He knew that was another thing that they do to show affection, but personally, he prefers Dean to call him _Cas_ or _baby_.

 

He pulled into their driveway and Sam ran out of the car first, running into the house.

 

“Come in?” Dean asked.

 

“I won’t be fun, Dean. I have homework; I can’t seem to understand the whole concept of what is _math_.”

 

Dean huffed a laugh. “I’ll help you out. Really. We can do it together.”

 

Cas considered it, but figured he’s rather be with Dean than alone, so why not?

 

He nodded and grabbed his bag from the backseat before getting out of his car with Dean.

 

* * *

 

“Stop saying it’s hopeless! You _can_ do it, baby. You’ve memorized the formula, so just apply it to the equation.” They were sprawled out on Dean’s bed, math books open and pencils out.

 

“Math is impossible!” Cas countered uselessly.

 

“Substitute _x_.” Dean tried.

 

“Which one?” Cas asked, gesturing to the paper with _x_ ’s and _y_ ’s and various letters all over it.

 

“All of them.” Dean answered.

 

Cas groaned. “Dean, the only reason you think this is easy is because you’re way smarter than you let on.”

 

“Come on, baby, there are only four more problems left.” Dean lightly rubbed Cas’ back, gently encouraging him.

 

“How can I concentrate when I’m sitting here, next to my super-hot and perfect and freckled boyfriend n his bed?” Cas jokinglycomplained.

 

Dean blushed even though he was trying to keep Cas focused.

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Dean asked, only half serious. Cas looked up from his paper that was covered in holes from the eraser and pencil streaks.

 

“No don’t go!” Cas shot back. Dean laughed softly and ran a hand through Cas’ hair.

 

“I won’t. You _can_ do this, though. You understand. Just apply the lesson to the problem.”

 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Give me the book?” Cas held his hand out. Dean placed the heavy mathematics textbook in his hands, laying back to give him some space. Cas copied down the problems and finished them smoothly, only needing to ask for help twice, and Dean was glad to give it. Fifteen minutes and a mentally exhausted Cas later, Dean and Cas walked slowly out of Dean’s room and down to Sam.

 

“Can we order pizza now?” He asked.

 

Dean nodded, grabbed his phone, and walked, Cas in tow, over to where there were magnets from local businesses stuck to the fridge. He located the pizzeria and dialed the number, ordering a half veggie for Sam, and a half meat lover’s for him and Cas. Cas swung their arms gently back and forth in between them, making Dean keep a smile the whole time he was on the phone. When the call ended, Cas turned to walk back to where Sam was on the couch, but Dean pulled him back.

 

“Dean, Sam’s waiting.” He protested.

 

“But I haven’t kissed you nearly enough today.” Dean playfully argued.

 

Cas smiled and let Dean pull him close, wrapping his long arms around his shoulders. Dean closed his eyes and leaned in, feeling Cas’ soft lips against his. Strong arms held his waist and Dean breathed Cas in, tasting him and loving every second that he had with his boyfriend.

 

When the kiss ended, they walked back into the living room together.

 

“Movie time?” Sam asked.

 

“Movie time.” Dean repeated.

 

Sam scrambled off the couch to the TV, opening a cabinet that was under it. He pulled out a movie and showed Dean the cover.

 

“Good?” He asked. Dean looked at the case, showing Star Trek I.

 

“Awesome.”

 

Sam smiled and slid the movie in, then curled up on the right side of the couch. Dean sat in the middle with Cas on his left and Sam on his right. He slung both is arms around the back of the couch, but while one rested on Sam’s shoulder, the other was on Cas’ neck, gently rubbing his skin and carding through his hair. Cas leaned into his touch and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder.

 

About twenty minutes into the movie, there was a knock on the door. Dean quickly got up to pay for the pizza, then bring it back to where they were sitting. Sam immediately grabbed a slice, leaning back into Dean’s side again and getting lost in the movie.

 

Dean put the pizza box on the coffee table, he and Cas both taking pieces of meaty perfection into their hands. Dean moaned into the first bite; he and Sam rarely ever ordered pizza, and the bacon, sausage, pepperoni, ham, and turkey pizza was obviously his favorite.

 

A little while later, after the pizza was consumed and box put away, Cas leaned into Dean and whispered in his ear.

 

“How much longer is the movie?”

 

Dean turned to face Cas, surprised at how close his voice was.

 

”I don’t know, fifteen more minutes?” Dean guessed.

 

Cas nodded and nuzzled into Dean’s neck, kissing his skin lightly. Dean started to fidget, itching for the movie to be over now that Cas was doing _that_ to him. He started to get uncomfortable in his jeans, and as soon as the credits rolled, Dean sent Sam to bed with a light hug and kiss to the forehead. Sam just left the room with a halfhearted ‘just be quiet, please’ and a wave to Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn. I totally expected this fic to only go for about 10 chapters. 
> 
> I think I've gone past that....
> 
> Next chapter is hot, filthy, dirty smut! (My awkward attempt at a first time with Dean, a not-so-first-time with Cas, and sex on the couch. I'm sorry just be warned I suck at anything sexual I don't know why I'm doing this but I promised you so yeah)
> 
> Comment P L E A S E. You all have the best fucking ideas and suggestions I've already started working on one and the other will come later and everything you have to say is perfect (criticism too) and thank you thank you thank you and look at that I'm rambling....
> 
> Anyways....   
> Thanks for reading and just generally being amazing!!!   
> Love yourself and everyone around you, and remember, I love you all!


	18. A First Time for Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaaannndd here we have it. My attempt at smut. You've been waiting so long and I'm so sorry that this is so awkward and not at all what most of you were expecting. I'm an awkward writer idk.

**_Friday, April 20_ **

****

“What time is it?” Dean asked, his face was flushed and lips bitten. He was pinned down by Cas on the couch in the basement, out of earshot from Sam, as promised. Cas looked up at the clock on the wall and smiled.

 

“11:00.”

 

“Oh my god. We’ve been making out for over two hours.” Dean gripped Cas' hips tighter as Cas ran his hands down Dean’s chest. Cas leaned down to kiss his neck, sucking on his earlobe. Dean became very aware that he was _very_ turned on, and Cas could probably feel him on his thigh.

 

He tried to will his hard on away, but the way that Cas was biting his collarbones made it impossible. Cas spread his legs and straddled Dean’s hips, his firm ass right on Dean’s erection.

 

“Uh, Cas….” Dean tried to somehow do _something_ about his current situation, but nothing came to mind.

 

Cas just leaned down and kissed him. Dean unconsciously grinded his hips up into Cas’ crotch, and he responded by pushing his hips down onto Dean. This elicited a moan that Dean would forever deny that he made. Cas smiled and continued to roll their hips together.

 

 _Are we gonna have sex? Is that what this is? Oh my god. I’m not going to be good at sex. I'm not ready for sex. What if it hurts? What if I don’t like it? We shouldn’t have sex. It’s only been a week since we’ve gotten together. But Cas is there for me. And I like him. What if we don’t like have_ sex _sex, just like, hand jobs? I can do hand jobs. No pressure on hand jobs. I masturbate enough to be at least okay at giving somene a hand job. Do I want this? Yes, yes I do. Okay, so he’s not raping me or anything. And he’s not shoving me down and tackling me to try to take off my pants and do things that would hurt me. This is not an Alastair moment. Good god, Dean, get yourself together. What if he wants to do more? I’m being stupid. He would totally stop if I said no. I should go for it. Make a move._

 

Cas sat Dean up and wrapped his legs around his waist. Dean scooted closer to him, Cas’ legs getting tighter. Dean gently moved his hands to Cas’ thighs and slid them up slowly, past his hips, hitting the hem of his t-shirt. He pushed it up past his belly button, exposing soft, smooth flesh. Cas got the hint and slipped the shirt over his head, tossing it on the ground. Dean ran his hands over Cas’ body, tan and strong. Dean put his fingers just below the black feathers on Cas’ waist, not wanting to cover up the beautiful skin. Cas was kissing him again, but this time it wasn’t slow and controlled, it was sloppy and wet and all teeth and tongue, and Dean loved it.

 

Dean ran his hands down Cas’ chest and started to slowly unbutton Cas' jeans, slowly enough that if he wanted to say no, he could. After the little metal circle slid out of its denim home, Dean slid down his zipper with shaky hands. He forced his mouth away from Cas’ to look down at their hips and thighs intertwined together on the couch.

 

Cas’ boxer briefs were tight against his skin, part of his dream catcher tattoo sticking out of the top of his boxers. There was a noticeable bulge by the waistband of his underwear, and Dean closed the gap between it and his fingers, lightly, but suggestively.

 

Cas’ breath hitched as Dean’s fingers brushed his cock.

 

“ _Dean_ ,” He moaned. Dean felt soft fingers sliding down the front of his shirt and to the front of his jeans. “May I?” Cas asked.

 

Dean felt infinitely better that he asked for permission, even though he'd already undone Cas’ jeans. All of his doubts immediately vanished.

 

“Please,” Dean whispered.

 

Cas unbuttoned and unzipped Dean’s jeans, pulling the denim down past his hips and the curve of his ass. He had to lift his body a bit to get his pants past his groin, but lowered himself back down on the couch and put his hand to Cas’ bulge.

 

The tip of his cock was sticking out from the waistband of his tight underwear, red and fat and perfect. As much as Dean wanted to touch it and make him feel good right then, he would feel better about their situation if it wasn’t sort of ‘getting off quickly with my boyfriend in my basement still half-dressed’.

 

When Cas reached out to stroke Dean’s hard on through his boxers, making him moan lightly, Dean put his fingers on Cas’ hand to push it away. He immediately regretted it, because the feeling of someone else’s hand on his throbbing dick was so much better than his own, but he didn’t want to do it like that.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean, I thought… I thought you wanted me to…. Do you want to stop?” Cas was searching Dean’s eyes.

 

_Shit._

 

Dean didn’t even think about what Cas would think, his body language was very closed off.

 

“Yes!” He said, a little too quickly. “I mean, yes, I do want you to…. Don’t stop.”

 

“Then, what’s wrong?” Cas asked. He put his hands on Dean’ thighs, and Dean _loved_ how warm it felt.

 

“I just, I’m conflicted. First I wanted to do this… _completely_ _naked_ ….” Dean whispered the last words, a little embarrassed, “but now I don’t know if I want you to… you know… _see_ me.”

 

“What do you mean, ‘see you’? Intimately? Or is this about your scars?” Cas asked, leaning in to kiss Dean’s throat, reassuring him that everything’s going to be fine.

 

“Well, it’s a little bit of both. I’ve never… done this before, and I know you have, and I don’t know. There’s pressure.” When Dean stopped talking, Cas picked his head up from Dean’s neck and ran a hand through his hair.

 

“If you feel pressured, then don’t do this with me because you think I want it and it will please me. I don’t want you to feel like we _have_ to do anything sexual together. We have to _both_ want this. But, how do you know I have? We never talked about this before.” Cas gently pressed his lips to Dean’s sweaty temple.

 

“I-I don’t, feel pressured. I want to. I mean, I don’t want to have…like… _sex_ … yet, but I want to touch you and make you feel good and I’m worried I won’t be any good at it. And, when I came home with you that first night, Gabriel made it a little clear.” Despite the emotional conversation, Dean’s boner was painfully hard and he wanted to get off, but that wouldn’t happen unless Cas knew he was comfortable with _him_. Which he was, just not _himself_. “I trust you. I do. I just don’t know how I’ll feel when I’m… bare. Naked. Exposed.”

 

“Dean, we can go one thing at a time and if you feel uncomfortable we can stop, okay?” Cas looked at Dean with reassuring eyes.

 

“Okay.” Dean and Cas slowly got off the couch and stood in front of it, arms around each other’s waists; Dean on Cas’ bare one.

 

Dean’s jeans were already sliding down because Cas had pulled them past his hips and bottom so he let them fall, and kicked them off his feet. He reached down with one hand to peel off his socks, and threw them down to where his pants lay.

 

He knew that his legs were exposed, but Cas didn’t look at them. He looked at Dean. And that made him feel good and sure.

 

“Ready?” Cas whispered.

 

Dean nodded and leaned in to kiss Cas on the lips. Cas ran his hands up the front of Dean’s chest and unbuttoned the top button of his flannel. Slowly, he made his way down until the shirt was hanging loose around Dean.

 

Cas pressed his hands to the top of Dean’s chest, pushing the flannel down his shoulders. He was still wearing an undershirt, but he felt like he was naked.

 

Dean grabbed Cas’ toned stomach and kissed him, deep and slow. His hands trailed downward and he pulled Cas’ jeans down, already unbuttoned. Cas wrapped his hands around the back of Dean, fingers slipping beneath the elastic of his underwear and touching lightly on the top of his ass. He pulled their hips together, cocks brushing against each other hotly.

 

Dean wanted desperately to feel Cas, to take the few layers of clothing off and let their skin mesh together.

 

“You okay? Wanna keep going?” Cas asked breathlessly.

 

Dean nodded and kissed Cas’ ear and neck, encouraging him.

 

Finally, Cas crooked his fingers around the waistband of Dean’s underwear and slid them down slowly. Dean’s hands fumbled for Cas’ waist as well, pulling his boxer briefs down his thighs. Once both of their underwear was on the floor, Cas reached for Dean’s undershirt and lifted it up slowly over his head.

 

Dean looked at Cas. Like, _really_ , looked at him. His hard, tan skin looked perfect, dark tattoos against it, and his hips and thighs were just long uninterrupted expanses of _Cas_. And to tip it all off, his thick cock was standing up against his flat stomach, head hitting right below his bellybutton.

 

“Oh, god, Dean, you’re… you’re…” Dean waited for _disgusting_ , _hideous_ , and _shameful_ to come out of Cas’ mouth, but it didn’t. “…gorgeous. No. No, you’re so much more than that and I’m sorry that I can’t think of a better word. Incredible in every way. Stunning. Breathtaking. You are everything.” Cas kissed him hard. Dean wanted to argue, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Cas’ body.

 

The air was cold on his torso, but Cas pressed their bodies flush together, his warm chest covering Dean’s.

 

Dean looked down between them. He couldn’t see past their ribs, but he could feel Cas’ thick, hot cock rubbing lightly against his. The feeling of someone else’s hard on touching his sensitive cock was so much better than his own hand. And it was with _Cas_. His heart rate increased as Cas half pushed, half pulled Dean back onto the couch with him. Dean was lying on his back, taking up the whole couch. Cas gently lay himself on top of Dean, hips and chest lining up.

 

Cas braced himself above Dean with one arm, resting his free hand on Dean’s stomach, just above the tip of his cock.

 

Cas’ cock dragged on top if Dean’s making him moan with need.

 

Dean rested one of his hands on the curve of Cas’ perfect, round ass, and the other on Cas’ hip, helping him stay up.

 

Cas slotted their legs together, making it easier to be on top of Dean, and reached the hand that was on his stomach slightly downward, hitting the tip of Dean’s cock. The touch was light and not enough friction and it was _so_ _good_.

 

Dean reached down and lightly cupped Cas’ balls, rolling them gently in his hand. Cas tensed and buried his face in Dean’s shoulder. Cas took both their throbbing lengths in his hand and stroked slowly. Dean arched up into his touch, desperate for more.

 

“Cas…. Cas, baby, please, please…. I need, I need….” Dean cried.

 

“Tell me, tell me what you need, Dean.” Cas breathed, panting slightly.

 

“More, more, I need more of you, please….” Dean felt hot and sweaty and naked and he _liked_ it. The feeling of hot flesh on flesh, Cas holding him close, it was too much and not enough. He was moaning loudly from the light touches and Cas’ breath on his skin and he needed more.

 

“Shhh, baby, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. I got you.” Cas promised.

 

Cas rubbed his thumb over Dean’s slit and spread the leaking precum over his cock. He did the same with his own and took them both in his hand again.

 

Cas began to stroked them faster, tighter. Dean’s eyes closed and his mouth went slack until Cas kissed him, keeping him grounded. That kiss was sloppier and wetter than their other soft, loving kisses. It was demanding and desperate and all teeth and tongue.

 

Dean tugged a little harder on Cas’ balls, not hard enough for pain, but hard enough to take him closer to release. Cas was stroking them frantically, Dean’s breathing increasing and chest getting hot. He was _so_ close to coming from being on edge for _so_ long, and he needed Cas to be there with him.

 

“Oh, Dean!” Cas whimpered when Dean played with his balls a little more.

 

“Cas….” Dean breathed. He couldn’t say anything. He was overwhelmed with everything that was going on.

 

“Dean, Dean, I’m close.” Cas ducked his head into Dean’s neck and started sucking on the thick vein that ran down the side of it.

 

“Oh, god, feel so good, Cas. So good.” Dean managed to croak out.

 

He felt the familiar heat pool in the pit of his stomach, back arching off the couch and chest hitting Cas’. Dean couldn’t help but grip Cas’ ass cheek, the firm muscle cramped in his hand.

 

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas cried, speeding up his thrusts.

 

Dean pulled harder on Cas’ balls.

 

“Cas… I need….” Dean tried to speak but he couldn’t. He was just so close and he needed to come and Cas was touching him and it felt so good.

 

The feeling of Cas stroke their heads together made Dean see stars, and after a scream of Cas’ name muffled by his shoulder, Dean came.

 

At first, his eyes were wide open, barely hearing Cas whisper sweet murmurs in his ear. As he rode out the waves of his orgasm, his eyes fluttered shut, feeling Cas stroke him slowly through it. Hot, white come covered their chests and Dean felt completely languid and blissed out.

 

Dean realized that Cas hadn’t come yet. He was giving all of his attention to Dean, helping him get through his orgasm by giving light touches to his oversensitive cock. His own cock was throbbing, thick and heavy and needing to be touched. He wrapped his fingers around Cas’ cock, stroking lightly and experimentally, but it only took a few tugs before he was coming on Dean’s chest as well, moaning and gripping Dean’s shoulder tight.

 

Dean helped him through it, kissing him and eventually just letting him collapse on top of Dean, boneless. Cas’ breathing was rapid and his chest was rising consistently with each deep breath. He should have told Cas to get off, that they should clean up and go to bed, but he looked so happy and relieved that Dean couldn’t bring himself to do it.

 

After a few minutes, Dean got sleepy, and started to doze off with the comfortable weight of Cas on him. When his eyes closed, Cas rolled off of him and started walking towards the two doors on the far wall, waking him abruptly.

 

“Don’t go! Don’t leave me alone.” Dean begged reaching out to try and touch Cas’ body.

 

“Shhhh Dean, it’s okay. I’m not leaving you. I just want to get something to clean us up with, okay? I’m coming right back.” Cas assured him. Dean’s hand connected with the meat on Cas’ thigh and he gave it a squeeze.

 

Cas pulled away, and moments later came back into Dean’s view. He could barely see the outline of Cas’ body against the harsh bathroom light before he shut it off and came back to Dean.

 

Dean expected Cas to climb back on top of him, but he just kneeled by the couch where Dean was laying.

 

“Cas, what--?” Dean was cut off by the feeling of Cas running a soft, warm, wet washcloth down his chest and stomach.

 

“You shouldn’t fall asleep with come still on you, Dean.” Dean could pretty much hear the smile on his face.

 

All he could do was arch into Cas’ touch and spread his body out to be cleaned. Once his middle was wiped down, Cas lowered his cloth-covered hand to Dean’s wet crotch, quickly washing his soft cock before Dean could get worked up again.

 

Cas cleaned himself up and then threw the washcloth on the floor.

 

“Come on, baby, I know you’re tired but we gotta go to bed.”

 

Dean just whined.

 

Cas took his hand and put a hand under him on his back and lifted him up part way.

 

Dean sighed but stood up, wrapping his arms around Cas’ neck and kissing him.

 

“ _Dean_.” Cas urged.

 

He took Cas’ hand again and started walking towards the door.

 

“Wait! Should we put our clothes back on?” Dean asked, pointing to the heap of jeans and t-shirts on the floor.

 

Cas let go of Dean’s hand to pick up the discarded clothing. When he stood straight, Cas shrugged.

 

“Sam’s probably asleep, won’t see us.”

 

Dean thought about it, then agreed. “Okay, come on, I’m tired and I want to lay with you.”

 

Cas put a hand on his lower back, other hand still holding on to their clothes, and helped Dean up the stairs. When they got to the stairs that led to their rooms, they slowed down so as to not wake Sam.

 

Once Dean and Cas reached Dean’s bed, door shut behind them, Dean dropped to the mattress. He felt boneless and fantastic and tired and amazing and just so good.

 

He turned to his side, curling up with his knees to his chest, not caring that he was naked. Dean felt Cas slide up next to him, and the smooth pull of cotton against his thighs and ass. He wondered when Cas put on underwear, but didn’t dare move from his position of being cuddled by him. Cas’ warm stomach felt good on his back and he was quickly falling into a dreamless sleep, holding onto the hands that wrapped around his warped stomach tightly, making sure they don’t try to pull away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Suggestions on how to make my smut better? At all? Or just suggestions for the whole story? I already took a few great ideas that you guys wanted to read. This story is going to be L-O-N-G. 
> 
> Ask any questions or things you want to be clarified, or just anything. 
> 
> Love you all!!!!   
> Be kind to yourself <3


	19. Sam's Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff. Sam and Dean finally get to go to Sam's soccer game, but they also talk about L A S T N I G H T

_**Saturday, April 21** _

 

“Dean! Come on! Let’s go!” Sam was pounding on Dean’s bedroom door. Dean sat up abruptly, looking around the room for the source of the disruption. When he realized that it was just Sam, he groaned and flopped back on the bed.

 

That’s when Dean realized that he wasn’t alone. Cas was stirring in his bed, rolling to face Dean. They were both shirtless, and Dean felt his thighs to make sure he had pants on. He didn’t. Not even a little bit. No underwear, either.

 

He felt emotionally drained, and sort of… sated.

 

The memories of last night came back to him all at once.

 

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Cas smiled sleepily and leaned in to give Dean a soft kiss. “how are you feeling?”

 

“Mmm, good and tired.”

 

Dean’s eyes focused and settled on Cas. His hair was all over the place, sticking out in all directions, and his eyes were clouded with sleep. It was adorable, of course. But, he couldn’t think about that right now, because, well, _he was naked_.

 

Dean tried to cover his scarred torso back up with the blankets, but Cas put his hand on Dean’s arm and held it down. He attempted to protest half-heartedly, but when Cas’ lips fell onto the sensitive skin on his neck, he was silent.

 

“We should go,” Cas whispered. “Sam has to get to the field.”

 

Dean nodded, watching Cas get up from the bed. He was wearing only tight boxer briefs when he went to go pick up his clothes that were thrown on the floor. Once they were in his hands, Cas frowned and looked up to Dean.

 

“Can I borrow some clothes? Mine are a little…dirty. I’d go home, but we have to leave soon.”

 

 _Oh yeah,_ Dean thought, _Cas and I had sex yesterday. Nice._

 

“Yeah, look in the dresser by the wall.” Dean responded.

 

“Come on, Dean. We’re going to be late.” Cas reminded him, encouraging him to get out of bed.

 

“C-can you bring me clothes? I’m not exactly wearing any right now….” Dean didn’t want to have a talk about his body confidence and comfort level then, so he tried to make it about his Cas seeing his dick, which he obviously already has. Cas smirked and threw him a pair of boxers and an undershirt. Dean awkwardly pulled them on under the blankets and pulled them back, throwing the shirt on.

 

“Thanks.” Dean watched as Cas found a pair of the smallest jean's Dean owned. He pulled them on, a little too big on the hips, and the color and rips in them were the complete opposite of what Cas normally wears, his wardrobe consisting of mostly black’s, navy’s, and gray’s. he then put on one of Dean’s very few short sleeves, a purple and black AC/DC shirt.

 

He looked good in Dean’s clothes.

 

Dean distracted himself from Cas’ body by finding his own jeans and a flannel look. He quickly covered up, but realized that it wasn’t so much because of _himself_ anymore. It was still that he thought he was disgusting, but just a little bit because he was trying not to seem comfortable to Cas. If he looked like he was comfortable showing skin, then maybe Cas would expect him to do that and be wearing short sleeved shirts and maybe none at all and he wasn’t ready for that.

 

But, he felt better. Not good, but better. And he’d been clean for almost three weeks. And now he was going to his little brother’s soccer game with his perfect boyfriend, who really does like him, and everything is going to be okay.

 

“You okay, baby?” Cas asked.

 

“Huh? Yeah. I’m just…. I’m better.” Dean smiled into the mirror for the first time, ever.

 

He felt solid hands come around from behind and wrap around his middle. Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder and kissed the back of his ear.

 

“Yeah? Good? Good. I want to hear that. I want you to tell me how you are, every day. I want to know.” Cas’ breath was hot against Dean’s ear.

 

All he could do was nod.

 

“ _Deeeeeaaaaann_!”

 

Dean and Cas jumped at the sound of Sam calling his name.

 

“I’m coming, Sammy!” He shouted back. Dean opened the bedroom door and stepped out.

 

“We still have to pick up Ca-“ Sam saw Cas come out of Dean’s room behind him and cut himself off. “Oh.”

 

Dean turned to take Cas’ hand and saw that he was blushing red.

 

“So…” Sam continued. “Cas slept over, in your bed, I’m assuming, and is now wearing your clothes.”

 

Dean’s heart sped up as he walked down the stairs with Cas.

 

“Yeah, but we didn’t do anything…” Sam cocked an eyebrow. “Well, I mean, we did, but it wasn’t….” Dean trailed off.

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m not an idiot. I see the giant hickey on your neck. Let’s just go.” At Sam’s comment, both Dean and Cas started blushing furiously. “Actually, wait. Dean, Mom left a note saying she went to Grandpa’s house. He’s sick again, and she has to take care of him. She said that she left us money for food and to call Uncle Bobby if we need anything.”

 

Sam called Bobby 'Uncle' because he pretty much had been. He helped raise them, _is_ helping to raise them. He gave Dean a job. He takes them places when Mary is at work, even though Dean can drive, just because he wants them to feel like they're not alone.  

 

Dean nodded. That wasn’t uncommon. Their grandfather Samuel had bad health and was falling ill more frequently.

 

Cas squeezed his hand so Dean would look at him.

 

“Dean?” He worried.

 

“It’s fine, baby. We’re fine. It’s only for a few days.” Dean assured him.

 

Cas nodded but didn’t look convinced.

 

“Okay, let’s go, we don’t want to be late.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Go Sammy!” Dean shouted.

 

Him and Cas were sitting on the sideline on a blanket, Cas in his cross-legged lap. He had his arms around Cas’ waist and squeezed when Sam got the ball. He started running towards the other end of the field. Parents of kids from his team cheered him on from the side line as well. The game was tied at 0 with only a few minutes left, and as much as Dean loved Sam, he couldn’t stand watching this game go into overtime.

 

But, Sam was doing great. Dean watched as he tore down the field, blowing past any remaining defenders. 

 

Right near the big box, Sam took a shot. I was a long, hard ball that bounced on the inside of one of the goalposts and slung into the net. The goalie didn’t have a chance.

 

Sam threw his head back and smiled at the sky, face red and chest heaving.

 

”Way to go, Sam! That’s my boy!” Dean called. Sam turned to look for Dean on the side line, and smiled wide when he found him.

 

The game was over soon after, and they stood up as Sam ran across the field to them after his post-game team meeting. His jersey was damp with sweat, and his hair was a mess sticking to his forehead and cheeks. He was leaning to the side with the weight of his bag. With his free hand, Sam carried crackers and a juice box from one of his teammate’s mothers who brought snacks.

 

“Hey, kiddo! You did great out there!” Dean moved away from Cas for just a minute to give Sam a hug and a pat on the back.

 

“Thanks, Dean! Can I go out with Brady and his family? His parents want to take me to get lunch with them. They’ll take me home.” Sam was looking up at Dean, eyes bright.

 

“Sure thing, Sammy. You deserve it. I’m proud of you.” Sam smiled at the praise and gave Dean another hug, this time tighter and longer.

 

“Thanks for coming.” He whispered.

 

Sam pulled away from Dean and launched himself at Cas, knocking him back a few steps and catching him off guard.

 

“You, too, Cas.” It took a minute, but Cas wrapped his arms around Sam to complete the hug.

 

“You were great, Sam.” He said.

 

Sam broke off the hug and ran to where Brady was standing with his parents, leaving his bag behind.

 

Dean watched them get into the car, then bent down to pick up his Sam’s soccer bag and fold the blanket. The parking lot was empty, all the parents left with their kids.

 

“So? What’d you think?” Dean asked, after a moment of silence.

 

“That was fun, I don’t normally like watching sports, but I guess if I’m watching somebody that I care about, then it’s more interesting.” Cas answered.

 

“Good, because he’s going to want yon here every weekend.” Dean laughed. “But, wait… someone you care about?”

 

“Yes. I care about you, and I care about Sam. Not in the same way, of course, but I do. He’s a good kid, and you love him.” Cas nodded at the end of what he said.

 

Dean thought about it for a moment, then remembered that whenever Cas was over, even though he was usually wrapped up in Dean, he always made time for Sam, to talk to him about school or whatever he was excited about.

 

“Want to go home? Or do you want to go somewhere?” Dean asked, gesturing to the Impala in the empty parking lot. He didn’t care. Either way, he was going to get to kiss Cas.

 

“Let’s stay here.” Cas took the blanket from Dean and started walking.

 

“Where are you going?” Dean asked.

 

“Just come on.” Cas called.

 

Dean caught up to him, standing in the middle of the soccer field on the center line. Cas spread the blanket down on the ground and motioned for Dean to sit with him. He was a little confused, but obeyed anyway. They laid on their backs, side by side, looking up at the cloudy sky.

 

“So,” Dean started.

 

“So,” Cas copied. “So I want to talk about last night.”

 

Dean sighed and reached blindly out to find Cas’ hand that was folded on his stomach.

 

“Yeah, we should.” Dean agreed.

 

“Do you feel… regret?” Cas asked.

 

Dean was taken aback at even the thought of regretting their amazing night. Besides, he thought they were going to talk about _him_ and his _body_ , not what they did.

 

“No! No, no I don’t. Do you?” Dean worried.

 

“God, no! I just… it was your first time doing anything like that and I don’t want you to feel like you shouldn’t have done it.” Cas told him. Dean squeezed his hand.

 

“I liked it and I like you. I didn’t feel so… exposed to you. Like I shouldn’t be showing you my body. Not like before. Like last _week_. Baby, it’s been a week and I feel good with you. I’m starting to get a little more comfortable with my body and with you.” Dean assured him.

 

“Really? You’re comfortable with me?” Cas wondered.

 

“Yeah, I mean, you don’t push me, or anything, and don’t stare, either. It’s good. You’re good.”

 

“That’s… amazing, Dean.” Cas whispered.

 

Dean was silent. They sat out there in the quiet, just liking the feeling of the other person next to them.

 

“So, you wanted to talk about yesterday?” Dean reminded him.

 

“Right. So, at first, you wanted to do… it with me… but when you realized that you had to take off your clothes, you didn’t want to anymore. And we talked about it, you were insecure about your scars. I don’t want you to be. You deserve to comfortable. I’m not talking about wearing short sleeves to school and telling everybody why you feel this way. I’m talking about with me.” Cas turned on his side to face Dean, who followed his lead and shifted sideways.

 

“I know. I know, and you make me feel… good, I guess. Safe. There isn’t really a word for it. I haven’t cut in three weeks. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone. Sure, I’ve thought about it, but then you’ll call or text me or come over. When I’m with you, I don’t think about it.” Dean said sincerely.

 

“Yeah? That’s incredible, Dean. I’m so proud of you.” Cas scooched a little closer to Dean on the blanket and let his arm reach out to Dean’s hip.

 

Dean smiled. He ran his hand through Cas’ hair.

 

“I’m falling for you.” Dean admitted.

 

It was Cas’ turn to smile.

 

“I fell for you, the moment I saw you. In the hallway. I ran into you, and turned around to apologize, but I was speechless. When you walked into that science room, I knew I had to get your number. Be with you. And I did. And I’m so, _so_ glad that I did.” Cas confessed.

 

Dean blushed a little, okay a _lot_ , at what he said.

 

“I’m so lucky that I found someone like you. I want to be better for you.” Dean leaned in to kiss Cas, but the dark haired boy pulled his head back. Dean felt extremely rejected at the small gesture, and was going to lay back down until Cas spoke again.

 

“Dean, baby, I care about you so much and you’re so amazing, but you can’t do that for me. You can’t want to get better for me. Do it for _yourself_. You’re worth it all. You have to realize that. You. Are. Worth. It.” Cas gently kissed his forehead.

 

Dean sighed. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know what it would be. Cas didn’t get that he _wanted_ to feel good and feel like he deserved things. He just didn’t think he did deserve any of those good things because he felt that he was worthless.

 

“Stop, Dean. I can almost hear you thinking bad things about yourself. _Stop_.” Cas whispered the last word. Dean took a deep breath.

 

“C’mere.” Cas said, voice soft.

 

“Huh?” Dean asked.

 

Cas shifted so that he was sitting cross legged, inviting Dean in with his arms out.

 

Dean took his hand and let himself be pulled towards Cas.

 

He was sat so that his long legs wrapped around Cas’ waist and hips, arms around his broad shoulders. Cas held Dean’s back and hip tightly.

 

“Baby, please listen to me.” Cas begged.

 

Dean gave a small nod.

 

“You mean so much to me. It’s… hard… to see you so upset with yourself when all I can see is how special you are. You give and give and give and never ask for anything back. Let me give to you. Let me show you how good you are. I can show you.” Cas said, eyes pleading.

 

Dean nodded again, this time more distinctive.

 

“Let’s go to my place?” Cas offered.

 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed.

 

Cas gave him a slow kiss, gentle and giving. He lightly sucked on Dean’s bottom lip, pressing their chests together before breaking apart.

 

Dean stood off of Cas, straightening his back and helping him up. He picked up the blanket and folded it over his arm. With his free hand, he snaked his fingers through Cas’, grasping tighter.

 

Once they made their way into the car, Cas gave Dean’s thigh a squeeze.

 

“Stay over?” He asked.

 

“Like, for the night?” Dean wondered.

 

“Yes.” Cas nodded.

 

“I don’t know, I don’t think I can leave Sam alone again.” Cas was going to tell him that it was okay, and maybe another time, when Dean’s phone off.

 

Dean reached into his pocket and saw that it was from Sam.

 

**S: Can I sleep at Brady’s tonight?**

 

Dean huffed a laugh then sent him a text back.

 

**D: Yeah, be good. I love you.**

****

Dean smiled and turned to kiss Cas on the cheek.

 

**S: Love you too.**

Dean put his phone away and started the car, pulling out of the parking lot.

 

“Who was that?” Cas asked.

 

“Sam. He’s going to a sleepover, so I can stay with you, if you still want me, that is.” Dean told him and Cas smiled wide.

 

“Really? You’ll stay? That’s great. Now I can kiss you all night….” Cas said suggestively, leaning in to kiss Dean.

 

“Hey! Not while I’m driving!” Dean joked. “Okay, maybe just one.”

 

Cas laughed before pressing his lips chastely to Dean’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter! 
> 
> Oh god this is a long story. I'm finishing it, though. Have no fear! 
> 
> Comments questions concerns?
> 
> I love you <3


	20. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff before the angst....

**_Saturday, April 21_ **

 

“Bed?” Cas asked, sitting up to kiss Dean on the lips.

 

They’d been at Cas’ house ever since they left the park where Sam had his soccer game. They watched movies in the basement and cuddled on the couch. Cas insisted that he be the big spoon so he could hold Dean in his arms, despite what Dean said about it looking weird because he was bigger. Cas’ response was, “And who’s here to see us?” which gave him an eye roll from Dean.

 

“Bed.” Dean agreed. It was just past elven and all the lost sleep was starting to catch up to both of them.

 

Cas gathered Dean in his arms by just under his knee and his shoulder blades and picked him up bridal style, laughing lightly.

 

“Cas!” Dean yelped, grabbing around Cas’ neck for security.

 

“Dean, I’m not going to drop you.” Cas assured him.

 

“Yeah, maybe not standing, but you can’t carry me up two flights of stairs!” Dean countered.

 

Cas just laughed again and planted a quick kiss to Dean’s cheek. Cas hitched Dean up higher in his arms and walked towards the staircase.

 

Dean buried his head into Cas’ shoulder as he went up the stairs. It wasn’t hard. Sure, Dean was heavy, but Cas was strong. When they started going up the second flight of stairs to Cas’ room, Dean started _giggling_.

 

At first, Cas could barely hear it, but then he felt the vibrations of Dean’s chest against his and when Dean looked up, his face was bright red.

 

“What’s so funny?” Cas asked as he hit the top step and started walking to his bedroom door.

 

Dean smiled wide. “Nothing.” He teased.

 

Cas pushed the large door open with his foot and laid Dean down on his bed.

 

“You little liar.” Cas joked.

 

Dean laughed again. “Okay, it’s just… you’re so… _you_! You’re so cute, and a little adorable, and a lot punk, and you wear eyeliner sometimes and loose shirts that show off your collarbones and you don’t play sports and you’re just so… Cas. I just never thought you’d be able to lift me, that’s all.” Dean admitted.

 

“Well, believe it, Winchester.” Cas said playfully.

 

“Last name? Really?” Dean criticized.

 

“It came to me.” Cas smiled and jumped on the bed to where Dean was laying.

 

“And onto more serious matter, what are you sleeping in? Do you want to borrow something?” Cas asked.

 

“I don’t know, whatever you’re comfortable with.” Dean replied.

 

“Babe, listen to me. I don’t care if you want to sleep naked or in a snowsuit. So don’t worry about what I want. I sleep in my boxers and maybe a T-shirt if it’s cold.” Cas told him.

 

Dean nodded and pulled Cas off of the bed with him so they could get undressed.

 

Cas wiggled out of his T-shirt and threw it into the closet hamper this time, not the floor. Dean followed his lead and tugged off the sleeved of the Henley he was wearing before pulling it all the way off. They were facing each other, bare chested. Dean was looking at the ground and biting his lip shyly. He folded his arms over his chest and put his hands on his biceps to try to cover them.

 

“Hey, look at me.” Cas tried. Dean’s gaze slowly lifted from the floor. “You’re okay here. You’re safe. I’ll protect you. Nobody is here to judge you. I want you to be okay. Feel comfortable with me.”

 

“I do! I do. I mean, I was starting to, and then last night everything felt good. Not better. Good. I haven’t felt good in a long time. Like, that by sharing… an intimate moment… with you, I feel closer to you than before. But, I don’t want you to feel like you have to look at me just because I’m comfortable with you. You don’t have to see my scars every day because I feel okay enough around you to not wear long sleeves all the time.” Dean told Cas, hugging himself tighter.

 

“Dean, don’t. You are so _goddamn_ beautiful and I need you to know that your scars don’t make me uncomfortable or like you any less. So if you have a day that you feel good about yourself, by all means, do something about it. So wear what you want.” Cas was trying so hard to reassure Dean that he was so good and perfect and amazing but it was hard to get it through his head.

 

“Okay, I’ll sleep in my boxers.” Dean nodded, but when he unbuttoned his jeans, he turned around. Cas knew it was because Dean didn’t want him to see the scars on his thighs. He thought about saying something about it, but figured that it would be better for Dean to come out of his comfort zone on his own time.

 

Cas turned around to give him more privacy, and undid the button and zipper of his own jeans. He yanked them own past his hips and threw them into the hamper along with his shirt. He turned around to see Dean facing towards him, arms at his sides.

 

Cas could see the faint outline of his soft cock in his boxers, and wanted to pull them down and take Dean deep in his mouth, make him hard and breathless, but Dean wasn’t ready for that. So Cas wouldn’t push him.

 

He took Dean’s hand, turned out the light, and then led him to his bed. They crawled over the pillows and peeled back the thick cover.

 

Once Dean was settled in, Cas turned to face him. Him. Dean. Him with those green and gold eyes, innocent look on his face that broke his heart because he was anything but. Him with those big soft lips and slight stubble on his chin. Him with a beautiful body that he doesn’t see.

 

Cas liked Dean. A lot. The word ‘like’ wasn’t strong enough. Love was maybe too strong. Maybe. So, he’d settle for describing his feelings for Dean as somewhere in between like and love, but maybe closer to love. Maybe. Cas smiled.

 

“What?” Dean asked.

 

“Nothing.” Cas lied, biting his lips.

 

“You’re lying.” Dean countered.

 

Cas huffed a laugh. “I like you. A lot. More than like. I don’t know how to explain this. There really isn’t a word for it, I just like you so much and like is a weak word. I don’t know how to tell you this without sounding dumb. So I guess I sounded dumb.” Cas admitted.

 

“No. You don’t sound dumb. I get it. And I feel the same way.” Dean told him, leaning in for a kiss.

 

_And I feel the same way._

Dean liked _him_. Not his body, not his face, _him_. Nobody had ever actually cared for him like that. Sure, he had a few friends that were sad to see him move, and maybe a few potential boys and girls to ‘date’ and then never hear from again.

 

But they didn’t care.

 

Dean cared.

 

When Dean’s eyes began to close from exhaustion, Cas shook him awake lightly. He didn’t want to, but remembered the conversation that they had earlier about Dean’s mother being away from them.

 

“Hmmmmmphh?” Dean sleepily replied.

 

“Are you and Sam going to be okay? You know, with your mom gone?” Cas asked. Dean opened his eyes all the way.

 

“Uh…. Yeah. She’s almost never home anyway. We’re fine.” Dean told him. Cas knew they’d be _fine_ , but they’re all alone in that house.

 

That’s when he decided that they should stay with him. He has enough room, Gabriel wouldn’t mind, and Sam and Dean are his friends. And boyfriend.

 

“Stay with me.” He pleaded.

 

“Baby, I’m here, I’m not leaving.” Dean said.

 

“No, no. You and Sam. Just until your mom comes back.” Cas reasoned.

 

“I can’t do that. We’re okay, really. I don’t want to intrude….” He trailed off.

 

“You’re not. I want you to stay. You can sleep with me and we have a spare bedroom for Sam. Please come stay with me. I don’t want you to be alone.” Cas needed him to stay. He knew that Dean hadn’t cut for a long time, but everyone relapses. Being all alone with just your thoughts in a big empty house with nobody there to tell you that they love you can provoke that.

 

Dean sighed thoughtfully. “I’ll talk to Sammy tomorrow. If you’re sure.” Dean reminded him.

 

“I’m sure.” Cas confirmed.

 

Dean smiled and nodded.

 

“You know we don’t have school Monday, teacher conferences and all….” Cas said suggestively.

 

“What are you trying to say?” Dean teased.

 

“I’m saying that we have two more days to make out instead of one.” Cas practically sang.

 

“Yeah, we do.”

 

Cas smiled and kissed Dean on the lips, a taste of what he was going to get tomorrow.

 

“I get to be the big spoon now.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes but rolled over after he gave Dean a kiss.

 

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist and stuck a knee between Cas’ legs. Cas felt Dean start kissing his neck, lips closed and light on his skin. If felt good, and the touches gave him Goosebumps.

 

“ _Dean_ , stop or I’m not going to be able to sleep.” Cas warned.

 

Dean chuckled lightly. “Yeah, Okay.” Dean gave Cas one more long, wet kiss on the side of his neck, probably going to leave a mark, before laying his head back down.

 

“Goodnight.” Cas whispered.

 

“’Night, baby.” Dean said, snuggling closer to Cas.

 

 _I_ _love_ _you_ , Cas mouthed, before falling into a comfortable, deep, sleep, with the boy that he loved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!   
> Next chapter is gonna be more smut, hopefully better than the first time.   
> Comment? Question? Concern?


	21. The Shower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOO.   
> Yeah it's been almost a week. Sorry to keep you waiting. And, as promised, smut. 
> 
> Hopefully better than last time?

_**Sunday, April 22** _

 

Dean woke up, still hugging Cas tight. He didn’t know if Cas was awake yet, so he gave his middle a light squeeze. Cas rolled around in his arms.

 

“Hey, sleepyhead, you’re awake.” Cas noticed.

 

“Yeah, how long have you been up?” Dean wondered if he had kept him trapped for long.

 

“Maybe ten minutes, not long.”

 

Dean wanted to shower, but didn’t want to leave Cas.

 

“Can I use your shower?” Dean asked timidly.

 

“Yeah, I need to shower, too. I’ll make us something to eat while you’re in there.” Cas told him.

 

“Why don’t you just join me?” Dean was shocked at the words that came out of his own mouth. By the look on Cas’ face, he was, too. “What the _fuck_? I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that….” Dean let his words hang.

 

Cas laughed.

 

“It’s okay. I mean, I’ll come with you if you want but if you just said that because it popped out of your mouth, don’t think I’m gonna hold you to it.”

 

Dean pondered what Cas said.

 

“No. Come with me.” He felt his face get hot but tried to keep his expression steady.

 

“Okay, come on, Sleeping Beauty. I get to wash your cute bed head.”

 

Dean blushed harder.

 

Cas got out of the bed and walked to Dean’s side, taking his hand and pulling him out. Dean led himself be led by Cas into a different room where he’d never been in. He’d only used the bathroom at the very top of the stairs, but this one was deep into Cas’ house.

 

“We’re not using the one in your room?” Dean asked.

 

“No, it’s too small.” He explained

 

Dean nodded as Cas pushed open the door to the bathroom.

 

“This one’s the master bathroom.”

 

Dean stepped inside onto cold, white tiles. There was a full body mirror, a giant bathtub, a shower that could hold at least four people, huge fluffy towels; like the ones he used to dry off his first time at Cas’ house, and various body scrubs and soaps on white shelves along the walls.

 

“ _Damn_.” Dean whispered.

 

Cas closed the door behind them and let go of Dean’s hand to turn the water on inside of the shower. The water came from two sides and ran smoothly.

 

Dean suddenly felt naked. He wasn’t, he had boxers on, but he felt it. They were soon _going_ _to_ _be_ _naked_.

 

And shower together.

 

_What if it’s awkward? I can see how this could be awkward. Oh, god, what if I get hard? How could I not? I’m going to be wet and naked with my hot boyfriend. Nice, Dean. Now you’re actually getting hard. Well, what if that was the plan? Shower sex? That doesn't seem safe. Dammit, just go by him._

“You okay, baby? You looked like you were thinking about something.” Dean shot out of his trance.

 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry.” Dean stepped close to him. The shower door was open and little drops of warm water hit his arm.

 

“Ready?” Cas asked.

 

Dean nodded wordlessly. He watched as Cas pulled down his own boxers, exposing soft, untanned skin. His cock was laying limp by his upper inner thigh, and Dean wanted to reach out and touch it, stroke it, make it hard.

 

But he didn’t.

 

He thought sad, heart breaking thoughts like dying puppies until his erection went down enough, and slipped out of his boxers. Once the thin fabric hit the floor, Cas was taking his hand and leading him into the shower, warm water hitting his body.

 

Dean hated showering. It was a daily, 15 minute, hate-your-body chore that made him feel awful. But with Cas, he felt adored. As soon as they went under the spray, Cas’ hands were on him. His back, his hands, his neck. Their kisses were light and with care, tentatively sucking each other’s lips and chins and cheeks.

 

On newer cuts, the water stings. On old ones, it’s just a reminder that he has them. He didn’t have any fresh cuts. Which was something to be proud of. Dean knew it wouldn’t last. It never does. He has relapses and gets bad. Then goes through the process of trying to quit again. It’s a never ending circle of pain and loneliness.

 

The cuts that he gave himself three weeks ago after he had an awful nightmare about his father still shone bright red, deep enough not to have healed yet.

 

But Cas wasn’t staring.

 

When they first got under the water, Dean was nervous. He was trying to cover his body and close in on himself. Just out of habit.  Cas just took his hand and kissed him.

 

The kissing was so much better when they were holding hands. It feels more real, more intimate. Dean relaxed.

 

Cas turned Dean around and ran his wet hands down the expanse of Dean’s back and hips and shoulders. When he got to Dean’s arms, he tensed.

 

“You don’t have to, I know it’s unattractive.” Dean insisted.

 

“Dean, I want to touch you and make you feel good. I know I don’t have to. But I want to. So please let me. If you feel uneasy about me touching you intimately, then please tell me, but if this is about your scars, then don’t try to argue with me on this.” Cas turned Dean around so they were facing each other.

 

“I don’t, I don’t. I love it, actually. I just know that it’s not ideal.” Dean told him.

 

“Baby, our situation isn’t ideal. So I’m gonna make it as ideal as I can. Okay? Tell me if you want me to stop, but I’m going to wash you now.”

 

Dean nodded slowly.

 

He watched as Cas reached for a green bottle and poured a large amount of liquid in his hands. Cas made a ‘turn around’ signal with his head and began to rub the body wash over Dean’s back. It felt amazing.

 

Once he was all soaped up, Cas pulled him one step backward so that his back was under the hot water. When the soap was all washed out, Dean took the bottle of soap from Cas and began to later him up. His tight muscles relaxed and Dean couldn’t help but marvel at the clear skin under a thin layer of bubbles.

 

Dean rinsed Cas off, then took it upon himself to push Cas up against the shower wall. He pressed their bodies flush together and kissed Cas until his lips hurt and arms were sore from holding him. When he pulled slightly away from Cas’ hot, naked body, he looked so content. Lips swollen and bitten, cheeks flushed from the heat and the kissing, eyes wide and blue, hair wet and perfect.

 

Dean smirked and reached behind him to grab the shampoo. He poured a glob out on his palm and ran it through Cas’ hair, scratching his scalp. Cas let out a _probably_ involuntary moan.

 

“You like that?” Dean asked, smirk on his lips. He was still breathless from kissing Cas.

 

“You have no idea what you do to me.” Cas arched into Dean’s touch, but hesitated just a second to get the shampoo from the shower floor and pour it on Dean’s head.

 

Dean loved the feeling of somebody washing his hair. It seemed trivial, just shampoo and water, but it was more than that. It was two naked bodies that feel comfortable enough to _be_ naked with each other, to touch each other’s bodies despite their imperfections. And Dean loved it.

 

When he was satisfied that Cas’ hair was clean, he smoothed the sides down with the remaining shampoo and slicked up the top so that it stood up like a Mohawk. It drooped on one side, but it was still adorable.

 

“Did you just give me a Mohawk?” Cas asked, smiling.

 

Dean nodded slyly.

 

“No fair! Your hair is too short for me to do that.” Cas complained, running soapy hands through Dean’s wet hair, making it stand up straight.

 

They laughed at how ridiculous the other one looked, then proceeded to rinse each other off in the still hot water. If they were at Dean’s house, the water would have turned cold minutes ago. Once the water ran clean down the drain, Dean watched as Cas reached for the body wash. He poured a generous amount of vanilla scented liquid in his hand.

 

“Vanilla? Really?” Dean teased.

 

“Shut up. It smells good.” Cas defended, grinning shyly.

 

Dean smiled at his shyness and pulled him in for a sloppy, wet kiss.

 

Cas rubbed his hands together, spreading the soap around, and instead of touching Dean like he thought, he pressed his hands to his own body, fast and thorough and rushed. Before Dean could react, Cas’ whole body was covered in bubbles and rinsed off.

 

“Uhm, yeah now I don’t know what to do.” Dean admitted.

 

Cas smiled, but didn’t say anything. He poured more body wash into the middle of his hand, and pressed his palms to Dean’s shoulders. Dean shivered from his touch despite the constant flow of warm water. Cas must have sensed his convulsion.

 

“Relax, baby. Let me take care of you. I can take good care of you. I promise.” Cas’ words were soft and caring. Cas leaned in close to Dean and kissed him, soapy hands barely moving against his skin in little circles.

 

The circles began to get wider until they covered his whole shoulder. Cas began to move his hands down Dean, arms. His touches were firm and thorough, giving Dean all his attention with his tentative fingers and mouth. Dean moaned into their kiss, trying to get closer to him.

 

Cas moved his hands to the softer underside of Dean’s arms. He could sense that Dean was tense, so he applied more pressure to Dean’s body. When Cas reached Dean’s armpit, he shied away. Or, he tried to. Cas’ grip was strong. Cas continued to kiss Dean as he washed his under arms and he moved his fingers to Dean’s ribcage and belly. His touch was consistent and he made no hesitations, even when his hands smoothed over Dean’s thicker scars.

 

Cas’ flat palms went up Dean’s chest, running over hard nipples and strong muscle. Dean let out an involuntary moan, then blushed furiously when he heard what came out of his mouth. Cas just took one hand away from Dean’s body for a second to lift his chin up, and give him a soft smile.

 

Once Dean’s torso was rinsed off, Cas knelt down to his knees. He poured even more vanilla soap into the palm of his hands and began to rub it gently into Dean’s calves.

 

If Dean was feeling aroused before, he was rock hard now. Who wouldn’t be? A wonderful, amazing, caring, beautiful, incredibly _sexy_ boy was _kneeling_ at his feet, mouth dangerously close to his cock. And Cas was hard, too, the tip of his cock hitting his belly.

 

Cas’ touch on his feet was firm, so that he didn’t tickle Dean. Thank god, because Dean’s feet were ticklish and he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from kicking Cas in the face. What a mood killer. He moved back over Dean’s shins and knees, fingers getting lighter. Dean had to lean against the shower wall to keep from collapsing.

 

His thighs were next, being covered by soft hands and sweet smelling bubbles. His cock was starting to leak small drops of precum, not being washed away because they had moved out from under the direct spray of the water.

 

Cas moved up Dean’s upper thighs, being even gentler with his motions than before as he hit the scarred skin. Dean’s breath hitched as Cas touched his inner thighs, thumbs dragging against the sensitive skin. There were only a few cuts on his inner thighs, and Dean was glad, because he _loved_ getting touched there, evidently.

 

Dean spread his legs a little farther apart and leaned off the wall when Cas reached behind him to grab his ass. Strong hands were massaging the muscle, taking him apart slowly. Cas looked up at Dean through his eyelashes. He looked so desirable and Dean wanted him.

 

Cas nuzzled Dean’s inner thigh, nose coming up to brush against the fine hair at the base of his cock.

 

“C-C-Cas… no….” Dean whimpered.

 

Cas immediately pulled his mouth away.

 

“Dean? What’s wrong?” Cas asked, looking uneasy. He was still kneeling before Dean, hands on his thighs, gripping tight.

 

“I don’t want to… I mean… I don’t want you to… not yet.” Dean felt his face go hot at his incoherent stuttering.

 

Cas stood slowly, pressing his body flush against Dean’s. They both let out light moans at the contact.

 

“Tell me. Tell me, talk to me, baby. What do you want?” Cas was so close to Dean.

 

“I don’t want to do… that. I don’t want a blowjob yet. Not now. I want to feel you and touch you and pull you close to me. Just not that.” Dean explained.

 

Cas didn’t say anything. He rocked his hips into Dean’s, pushing their bodies together. Their arms wrapped around each other and Dean _loved_ the feeling of their wet cocks sliding, slipping, hot and needy.

 

All too soon he was on the edge, but the moment was so sweet and precious that Dean didn’t want it to end. He pulled his body, with a lot of mental force, away from Cas’ hand.

 

“Dean?” Cas managed to gasp out. He was panting and although he showed concern for Dean, there was basic need hidden behind his primary expression.

 

“S-sorry, I just didn’t want this to be over yet.” Dean hid his face. He couldn’t ignore his aching cock, red and thick and full, needing attention.

 

“Baby, it can last as long as you want to. We can do this again. I’m not going to go away after this. Relax and enjoy it.” Cas’ voice was soothing, and Dean nodded, stepping closer to him.

 

Immediately after Cas’ hand found its way to Dean’s dick, lining it up with his own, Dean felt the need to come return. Cas must have sensed him tensing up, because he leaned in close to Dean and whispered, “Let go.”

 

Dean came.

 

His back hit the shower wall and his hips bucked uncontrollably up into Cas’ hand. This time, Cas kept up his steady pace, hard cock sliding with Dean’s slowly softening one. Dean watched the blissed-out look on Cas’ face as he hit his climax, eyes closing, head tipping back, spine curving up. He looked desirable.

 

Cas let go of his own cock, but kept his hand on Dean’s, still stroking and pulling absentmindedly. It felt good for a while, but he began to get oversensitive and the soft touches almost hurt.

 

Dean reluctantly put his hand on top of Cas’, stopping his mindless movements. Cas looked up into Dean’s eyes. He looked sated and breathless and tired. Dean leaned fully against the shower wall. It only took Cas a few seconds to follow, slumping his body against Dean’s chest.

 

It amazed Dean how well he could forget that he even had any scars. Cas was acting so natural that they were almost gone in his mind.

 

Dean was touched, adored, and cared for by him. And he loved it. He felt normal. He knew that he wasn’t, but he felt it.

 

They let the hot water run over their tired bodies, cleaning the sweat and come off.

 

Dean decided that the next time him and Cas do anything sexual, he was going to be the one to help Cas, make him feel good. Cas deserved it.

 

After a few moments of rest and satisfied bliss, Cas picked his head up to look at Dean.

 

“Clean?” Cas asked, wanting to get out of the shower.

 

Dean nodded. “Feel good, Cas.”

 

“Me too, baby. Me too.” Cas gave Dean a soft, open mouthed kiss, then shut the water off.

 

Dean shivered from the loss of heat, but that feeling was quickly gone because Cas had wrapped one of his huge, fluffy towels around his shoulders. Cas put one around himself, then led Dean out of the bathroom door, hair and bodies wet, clothes forgotten, into Cas’ bedroom.

 

They collapsed onto the bed, feeling clean and good and tired. At least Cas had the energy to half dry himself and Dean off. He took their towels and threw them on the floor, and grabbed himself and Dean a pair of soft pajama pants.

 

Dean was freezing, and he couldn’t wait to get into those pants. He grabbed them from Cas’ outstretched hand and pulled them on. Dean didn’t bother with underwear and his now soft cock was rubbing smoothly with the comfortable fabric of the pajama pants.

 

Cas climbed back onto the bed, pants and thin tee shirt on. He helped Dean get back under the covers, then let him wrap his strong arms around Cas’ waist.

 

Breakfast could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so thoughts? I can give the smut another try, but I don't know!!!! 
> 
> Thinking about it is one thing, but writing it down is hard! 
> 
> Tell me what you think? Ways to improve? Anything? I light up every time there's a new comment and just get the urge to write more.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Love you!


	22. The Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> morning deancas and some sam dean sex ed!!! fluffy!! because im sorry that the angst storm is coming! enjoy!

_**Sunday, April 22** _

 

Dean woke up again well into the morning from a nightmare less sleep with the warm sun on his bare back, the windows letting in soft sounds of birds chirping, and his _boyfriend_ sucking on his neck like it was his only source of food for the day.

 

“Mmmmm, good morning.” Dean murmured.

 

“Yes, it is. I missed you.” Cas whispered before rolling Dean onto his stomach and straddling his hips, leaning back down to kiss his neck again.

 

“I was right here with you all night, you dork.” Dean said sweetly. “And this morning….”

 

“You know what I mean. And you are definitely the dork in this relationship. I mean, come on! You watch _Dr_. _Sexy_!” Cas teased.

 

“Hey! That is quality TV right there!” Dean tossed back.

 

Cas just laughed and leaned down to kiss Dean, on the lips this time.

 

“We’re both dorks. Now come on, let’s eat because Sam’s sleepover is probably over soon, and you have to go pick him up.”

 

Dean sighed. “Right.”

 

Cas took his hand and started to lead him down the stairs.

 

“Wait.” Dean stopped, pulling his hand back.

 

Cas turned to look at him questioningly.

 

“Gabriel is here.” He said. Dean heard him rustling around in the kitchen.

 

“Yeah? Oh.” Cas’ face fell when he realized that Dean wanted to go get a sweatshirt or something to cover and hide his body so that Gabriel wouldn’t see his scars.

 

“Come on, you can wear one of mine.” Cas pulled him back by the bedroom.

 

Dean as only starting to get comfortable with his body around Cas, and showing him his skin. Gabriel seeing his scars was definitely off the table for Dean at the moment.

 

Dean watched as Cas was rummaging through his giant closet, flipping through the hangers until he saw a soft looking, dark purple sweatshirt with extra-long sleeves and an oversized hood. Dean thankfully pulled it on. He couldn’t contain his laughter, though, when he saw that on the back was a giant bumblebee with a leather jacket on and a cigarette hanging out of its mouth.

 

“Bees? Really? Dean asked, still giggling.

 

“They’re cute. And I like this one.” Cas said defensively.

 

Dean wrapped an arm around Cas’ narrow waist.

 

“I like it, too. It reminds me of you, except you don’t smoke. You’re all tough and cute and punk and adorable.” Dean smiled when Cas blushed. He liked it when Cas’ cheeks got pink and flushed, because of him. Cas is usually so calm and collected and confident. Sometimes it’s a little –okay a lot—intimidating.

 

They walked down the stairs together, the smell of greasy, delicious sausage and thick, fluffy waffles filling the air. There were two plates already made for them sitting at the breakfast bar, and Gabriel was standing at the stove, finishing cooking the last few pieces of sausage

 

“You made us breakfast?” Cas asked, looking surprised.

 

“Uh, yeah. I don’t have to go into work until later, so I figured I might as well cook for you and Dean. I haven’t exactly been around much lately, and I guess I'm trying to say I’m sorry over a meal.” Gabe said, turning away from the stove to face Cas and Dean.

 

There was guilt written all over his face as he admitted that, like he really wished he could be home with Cas instead of working.

 

“No, Gabe, I get it. Your job is important to you and you’re important to your job. I’m not alone, I’m with Dean most of the time. It’s okay. But thanks for making us breakfast. Dean has to go soon to get his brother so this was a big help.” Cas assured him. Dean could tell that his words were genuine.

 

“Cas, it’s not okay. I want to be home more. I don’t need to work as much anymore. We don’t need money. You’re a junior in high school, and pretty soon you’ll be moving away and going to college. I want to spend more time with you. And Dean, too, since you guys have been with each other every second of the day, and I’d like to get to know the boy that has my baby brother all smitten. Oh, and by the way, nice hickey, Dean-o.” Gabe laughed.

 

Cas’ eyes got wide before he ducked his head and blushed. Dean’s hand shot up to the side of his neck, feeling the bruised, tender skin. He was a deep sleeper. How long had Cas been sucking on his neck? Gabe laughed at their reactions.

 

“No worries, kid. I think we both know how wild Cassie here can be, you on a more personal account.” Dean just blushed harder.

 

Gabe left them alone in the kitchen with a wink in Cas’ direction and a pat on the back to Dean.

 

Once he was out of earshot, Dean spoke. “Well, that was… uh…." He couldn’t find the right words.

 

“Yeah, he’s a handful, but he means well.” Cas said with a slight smile on his lips.

 

“Alright, well, let’s eat.” Dean changed the subject.

 

* * *

 

 

They eat with giggles and syrupy kisses and it was the most relaxing and laid-back breakfasts that Dean has ever had. Cas’ hand stayed comforting on his thigh the entire time. The food was amazing and Dean felt happy. He was sad, too, but this time the happy was more than the sad.

 

When he was about to go get Sam, Cas reminded him. “Don’t forget to ask him about staying over, okay?”

 

“Okay.” Dean nodded. He already knew the answer. Sam would love to stay with Cas.

 

“And Dean?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are… are you okay?”

 

“…Yeah. Okay, I’m okay.”

 

It wasn’t really a lie. Just not really the truth.

 

Dean gave Cas a chaste kiss goodbye before leaving his house to go get Sam.

 

* * *

 

 

“So, we’re staying with him until mom gets back?” Sam was sitting in the front seat with Dean, driving home from Brady’s house.

 

“Only if you want to.” Dean reminded him.

 

“And his parents are okay with us staying?” Sam asked.

 

“H-he doesn’t have parents. Like we don’t have Dad. But he’s got an older brother that takes care of him.” Dean told Sam.

 

“Like you take care of me?” Sam’s voice was suddenly so small.

 

Dean’s heart swelled. “Yeah, Sammy. Like how I take care of you.”

 

Sam nodded.

 

“Okay. We can stay. Where will I sleep? On the couch?” Sam asked.

 

“He’d got an extra room, just for you.” Sam’s face lit up, then fell again.

 

“Is it gonna be close to you?” He worried. Dean frowned. Sam had never been away from Dean when they were at home, and he liked the fact that their rooms were so close ever since he was little. If he needed Dean, Dean was there.

 

“Right next door.” Dean promised.

 

“Are you sleeping in a guest room, too?” Sam wondered.

 

 _Great_.

 

They were at the house now, walking up to the front door to get inside.

 

“No, I’m sleeping in Cas’ bed.” Dean said slowly.

 

“Oh. So where is he sleeping?”

 

“With… with me.” Dean answered.

 

Sam looked up at him then, face all scrunched up like he smelled something bad.

 

“Ew.”

 

“What?” Dean defended.

 

“I know you like him, a lot, but _please_ don’t have sex with Cas while I’m _right_ _there_. I don’t need to hear that.” Sam admitted.

 

_Oh my god he has no filter._

 

“Sam, Cas and I…we haven’t… we—we aren’t…. We’re not having sex. But _if_ we were, I would _not_ do it ten feet away from you.” Dean assured him.

 

“Uh, Dean, I’m pretty sure you did.” Sam countered.

 

“Well, not like, _penetrative_ sex. Just… other stuff.” Dean cringed at the word.

 

“Other stuff?”

 

Sam was almost fourteen. Of course he knew what sex was.

 

It just occurred to Dean that nobody talked about it to him. He probably doesn’t know the safety risks and the precautions to take to prevent them.

 

“Sam…. I should have done this two years ago.” Dean sat him down on the couch.

 

“What are you talking about?” Sam asked.

 

“I mean, because Dad died, and Mom’s so busy, nobody ever talked to you about sex. Which is fine, until now, because you have a girlfriend and you’re going into high school soon.” Dean thought Sam would cringe and go to his room, claiming that he already knew what he needed to know, but that wasn’t the case. He was still sitting there, hands folded, looking at Dean.

 

“You have health, right? So you know all about sperm and eggs and all that technical stuff. They tell you to abstain from sex until marriage, but we both know that that’s not going to happen. I know you’re young. I know you and Jess aren’t… aren’t thinking about having sex. But when you _do_ , you need to know how to do it right so that you and whoever you’re doing it with are being safe and smart.” Dean knew the basics of what he wanted to say to Sam, but he didn’t know how to say it without it coming off as him being condescending or too awkward.

 

“I won’t have sex until I know I want to and that I’m mature enough to handle the responsibility of it. I don’t want to wake up the next morning and regret it. And always wear protection.” Sam promised.

 

Dean nodded. He was proud of how good if a kid Sam was turning out to be.

 

“That’s great Sammy. There is _not_ age you should be shooting for to lose your virginity. Everybody is ready for sex at a different age. Some people don’t even want to have sex. They just don’t want it and are perfectly fine with being in non-sexual relationships with people. Or not at all. And that’s perfectly fine. But you should still know about sex. You have to know that the other person, and you, are ready. That you _want_ to have sex. Don’t _think_ that they are. You have to know. If you have ANY doubts, don’t do it. If you don’t think that the other person is ready, even if they say they are, don’t do it.” Dean’s voice cracked at the end, but he hoped that Sam didn’t notice.

 

Sam just nodded along.

 

“And don’t you _EVER_ , force yourself on _ANY_ boy _or_ girl. Ever. Even if she’s wearing a low cut top or a short skirt or he’s shirtless and ‘just begging for it’. That’s rape. And if anybody touches you or makes you feel uncomfortable, get away from them and call me or Cas right away. Got it?” Dean checked. He didn’t know where the ‘or Cas’ came from, but he meant it. What if he was at work or school and couldn’t get to a phone? Cas cares about Sam. He’d help him.

 

Dean was a little hurt and upset that he even had to mention sexual assault, but Sam needed to know.

 

His little brother looked a little scared, but still sat relaxed on the couch.

 

“Yes. I swear. I won’t ever.” Sam agreed.

 

“And, yeah, wear condoms. Not only to prevent pregnancy, but STD’s, too. Some of them can make you really sick. Always ask your partner if they have one before doing anything that could get you infected. Your health comes first.” Dean went on, surprised that one he brought up the subject, he couldn’t stop himself from making sure that Sam knew everything he needed to know. 

 

“You also have to know that the person you’re with, and you, are ready. Not emotionally ready, but physically. If you try to have sex without any preparation, it can be very painful, and someone could get a serious injury from it. Use lube, too, even if you’re with a girl. At least the first few times, until it gets more comfortable.” Dean watched as Sam took all the information in. His expression stayed smooth and relaxed. He didn’t seen uncomfortable _at_ _all_.

 

When John gave Dean ‘the talk’, it was pretty much just ‘Don’t get a girl pregnant. We can’t afford that shit.’, and Dean was extremely jittery the whole time.

 

“Okay.” Sam nodded.

 

“Okay?” Dean questioned.

 

“Okay.” Sam, repeated, giving Dean a small smile.

 

“I’m proud of you, Sammy.” Dean realized that he said that a lot to Sam. Maybe he was making up for it because he never hear it from his father as a kid. Maybe he was just so proud of Sam because he was a great kid. Maybe a little bit of both. But it didn’t matter. He was proud of Sam, so he should say it.

 

“Thanks, Dean.” Sam said wholeheartedly.

 

“Alright, well, go pack a bag with a few changes of clothes in it. We could come home but it would be easier to have your stuff there. Go shower, too. We’ll go over there after lunch.” Dean told him.

 

“’Kay,” Sam was about to walk up the stairs when he stopped, “and Dean?”

 

“Yeah, Sammy?” Dean encouraged.

 

“Thanks for… you know. Talking to me.”

 

Dean knew it meant a lot to Sam to have somebody be there for him.

 

“No problem.” Dean sort of shrugged it off, not intentionally, but it sounded like it.

 

“Don’t be a jerk.” Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“ _Bitch_ ,” Dean mumbled.

 

“I heard that!” Sam exclaimed.

 

“Go pack.” Dean laughed.

 

“Alright, aright.” Before turning away, Sam looked at Dean, still sitting on the couch. “I love you, Dean. No matter what anybody says. I love you. You’re the best brother in the world and I look up to you. So don’t forget that.” Sam’s expression turned serious. So did Dean’s.

 

“I love you, too, Sam.”

 

Sam smiled and went up to pack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like? 
> 
> safe sex! yay!
> 
> i know some of you are expecting angst... it's on its way!!!!!! i swear. and its very angsty. i hope. 
> 
> so comments? questions? concerns? ask away!


	23. All Good Things Have to Come to an End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Montage of Cas and Dean and Gabe and Sam living together!!! A little angst though....

_**Tuesday, April 24** _

 

It was late. Not _late_ late, but past Sam’s bedtime late. Cas and Dean were snuggled up on the couch in the basement, not watching TV or anything, just being near each other. They heard the shrieking laughter of Sam in the kitchen, probably getting tickled to death by Gabe.

 

When Cas told Gabriel that Dean was staying over for a few days, he wasn’t mad that Castiel didn’t ask him first, he wasn’t indifferent about it, he was happy. He basically jumped around with joy when Cas said that Dean had a little brother, and Sam was staying, too.

 

And for thirty something year-old man, he could jump high.

 

Later, Cas explained that Gabriel had always wanted children, but he missed out on a lot of relationship opportunities because of his job and having to take care of Cas. And speaking of his job, Dean couldn’t help but get a little flustered when Gabriel was around. How could he not? Gabriel was the _producer of Dr. Sexy_.

 

Cas buried his face deeper into Dean’s neck and shoulder. Dean held him closer.

 

“So, Sam and Gabriel are getting along well.” Dean concluded. Cas looked up and smiled.

 

“They can keep each other busy so we can have some alone time….” Cas said suggestively, quirking an eyebrow and smirking at Dean. Dean let Cas' hands wander across his chest and just under his shirt. 

 

He wanted to. Oh, he _wanted_ to.

 

But, he promised Sam.

 

“Sorry, baby, I told Sammy no sex while he’s here.” Dean reluctantly admitted, pulling away from Cas' fingers. He didn’t want to break his promise to Sam, but alone time with Cas was not only _amazing_ , but it was sort of therapeutic for Dean. He felt wanted. And it was still hard for him to feel that way.

 

Cas pouted playfully.

 

Dean felt two plump lips latch onto his neck, sucking and kissing away.

 

Dean ‘quickly’ snapped out of the lazy trance that Cas put him in whenever his neck was getting attention.

 

“Come on, baby. Let’s go to bed. We have school tomorrow.” Dean would have loved to stay up all night with Cas, but they really did have to get up early. Cas whined in protest, but uncurled himself from Dean’s lap and helped him get off the couch.

 

“Can we at least make out? Just a little?” Cas begged. He looked desperate for Dean’s touch, which is odd because he only has that look when they're in each other's naked arms.

 

“Is something wrong?” Dean asked. Cas ducked his head. Dean reached out and pulled Cas close to his body, feeling his warmth.

 

Cas sighed.

 

“I don’t know. I feel like I need to be close to you all the time. I know it isn’t fair and I sound really needy right now. I just… feel like I need to be touching you _right_ _now_.” Cas confessed, picking his head up to look into Dean’s eyes.

 

Dean nodded, completely understanding what Cas was feeling. He went through things like that. Sometimes he needed to touch, sometimes he needed to be touched, and sometimes he needed to get away from everybody who was near him.

 

“Let’s go to bed. We can cuddle after I put Sam to bed. I won’t let you go all night, I swear.” Dean promised.

 

A small smile tried to make itself be seen through Cas’ pursed lips.

 

Dean took them upstairs to where Gabriel and Sam sat, still laughing in the kitchen. Sam’s face was bright red and he was clutching his stomach, feet in the air.

 

Dean loved seeing Sam so happy.

 

“What’s so funny?” Dean asked.

 

“N-nothing!” Sam managed to spit out between cackles. His long hair was swaying with each of his convulsions. Boy, did he need a haircut.

 

Dean couldn’t help but notice that Cas was leaning heavily into his side.

 

“Yeah, sure. Come on, Sammy, bedtime.”

 

“Awwwh, come on, Dean. Just a few more minutes?” Sam tried to convince Dean. It was a futile attempt. Dean just held out his hand and jerked his fingers signaling Sam to follow.

 

Sam sighed, then turned back to Gabriel. “’Night, Gabe.” He murmured dejectedly.

 

Gabriel chuckled.

 

“G’night, Sam.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean woke up to the cutting sound of Cas’ alarm. He smiled when he saw how they were positioned. He stayed true to his word. Cas was tucked snugly under one arm, hand over Dean’s middle and leg between his thighs. Cas hid his face into Dean’s chest when the alarm went off.

 

“Good morning, baby,” Dean ducked his head to kiss him on his forehead, “how’d you sleep?”

 

Cas had been restless the night before, tossing and turning, trying to get closer to Dean but he couldn’t seem to find what he wanted.

 

Cas shrugged.

 

“Well, come on. School. People. Classes. We gotta get up.” Dean encouraged.

 

He’d slept over enough to know that Cas certainly was _not_ a morning person, but on school days, it was the worst. It sort of motivated Dean to know that Cas would be late to class without a friendly reminder from Dean telling him to get out of bed so they could see each other at school, and there may or may not have been promises of soft touches and kisses.

 

Cas groaned.

 

“Come on, we don’t want to be late.” Dean tugged on his arm.

 

“Mmmmmmmmphhh.” Cas moaned into the pillow, trying to get deeper under the covers.

 

Dean pat his back.

 

“I know you’re tired, baby, and I’m sorry. You can sleep in my lap during lunch today. We just can’t be late for school.”

 

Cas looked up and smiled.

 

“Deal.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was in heaven. He was nibbling on a hot slice of pepperoni pizza, back against a thick oak tree in the school courtyard, and Cas was straddling his hips with his heavy head on Dean’s chest, wiggling and squirming around as he tried to get comfortable.

 

“ _Dean_. Why do you have to be so muscular?” Cas asked against Dean’s body.

 

“What?” Dean was confused.

 

He checked the time on his phone, and they had fifteen minutes left before they had to get back to class.

 

“You’re too hard. There’s like zero body fat on you. I need a cushion just so I can lay down on you.” Cas joked.

 

Dean was amused.

 

“Oh, so you want to get off?” He teased.

 

“No!” Cas practically yelled, clutching around Dean’s shoulders for dear life.

 

Dean laughed.

 

“Kidding, kidding. You know I never want to be away from you.” Dean reminded him.

 

Cas hummed a satisfied sound and snuggled up closer to Dean.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean kissed Cas goodbye.

 

“Bye, baby, I’ll be back around seven or eight.” Dean turned to Sam. “Be good.” As if he wouldn’t be.

 

Dean left for work.

 

* * *

 

They were sitting outside again, both leaning against the tree at lunch. Dean’s head was in Cas’ lap and there were long, thin fingers carding through his hair. At school, outside of class, Dean and Cas were open about their relationship. They didn’t broadcast the news over the school’s loudspeaker, but they didn’t try to hide their touches and kisses, either. Nobody seemed to care or notice, because Dean was unnoticed before Cas came into town, and Cas was just another new kid to the rest of the school. But not to Dean.

 

To Dean he was a god, a perfect being. Almost magical. He _cared_ about Dean’s well-being more than Dean himself. He was flawless, like an angel.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas was lying in bed on Thursday while Dean was at work, thinking about him, of course. There was a knock on the door.

 

“Hey, Cas? It’s Sam. I kind of wanted to talk.”

 

_Sam? Talk? He sounds nervous._

 

Cas sat up.

 

“Come in,” he called.

 

Cas’ bedroom door opened slowly, creaking, and Sam stepped inside, shutting it behind him.

 

“Is something wrong?” Cas asked, worried that something had happened to Sam while Dean was away.

 

“No. I mean yes. I mean… not ‘wrong’, I guess, just… something I want to talk about.” Sam started picking at his nails.

 

It amazed Cas how much Sam spoke like Dean. The pauses, the ‘I mean’s, the nervousness in asking a question. It was sort of endearing, in a way.

 

Cas scooted down to the foot of the bed, then patted the space next to him for Sam to sit, inviting him to carry on with what he was saying.

 

“It’s about Dean.”

 

Cas sat up straighter.

 

_Could Sam know?_

 

“He’s overworked. He has school, then comes home just to go to work ten minutes later. He comes home late, makes dinner, _then_ has to do schoolwork and he barely has any time to sleep. And when he does have time to sleep, he can’t. Sometimes I would hear him up at night, walking around in his room or banging his fist into the walls, cursing at himself because he forgot I was supposed to be asleep.” Sam told him.

 

Cas knew that Dean had nightmares, but he didn’t think they affected his life that badly.

 

“After he met you, he’s been asleep, exhausted as soon as he hits the pillow. He eats more. Dean’s relaxed. You’re good for him.”

 

Cas was glad that Sam was telling him all of this. It was a relief to know that Dean was healthier, but sort of a wake up call that he still wasn’t okay. Cas had to help him get better.

 

“He’s head over heels for you. Dean would be devastated if you left him. I know you like him and care for him, but _please_ try to help him out. Just have fun with him, something that he likes to do. He’s just been really stressed out and I think it’s taking a toll on him. So, thanks.” Sam looked down into his lap.

 

Cas put an arm around his shoulders.

 

“You’re right. I’ll do my best to help him out.”

 

Sam was silent for a few seconds. He looked hesitant.

 

“….And Cas?”

 

“Yeah?” Cas encouraged. Sam looked even more upset, worried about something else.

 

“I… I know you like Dean. I can see you’re not just being with him to be with someone, you actually care.” Cas nodded along with what Sam was saying. “I mean, he needs stability in his life. Right now, you’re just about his only constant. He comes home day dreaming about you and he can’t stop thinking about you. Trust me, I can tell. So if you’re feeling like you wouldn’t want to be with him for a long time, then please, just say something.”

 

Cas was confused.

 

“Are you asking me to break up with Dean?” Cas asked, taken aback.

 

_Why would he ask that? I’m crazy about Dean. Nothing can change that._

 

“Not break up. No. I’m saying, if you don’t see yourself wanting to be with him when he needs you, then please don’t let him think that you are. It would be better to end it now than have him emotionally attached to you and then you decide that you want something else. So just… know that, I guess.” Sam bowed his shaggy head.

 

Cas felt a pang of sadness for Dean. Sam didn’t know the extent of his problems and it hurt to know how right he was. Dean needed someone to be there for him, who he could talk to besides his little brother. He put his arm around Sam’s shoulders. He noticed that Sam was shaking slightly under his touch. He really cared about Dean. Well, obviously he _cared_ , they were brothers, but Sam looked like the thought of Dean being heartbroken about Cas was really affecting him.

 

“Sam, it’s okay. You have nothing to be worried about. He’s your brother and my boyfriend and I would never leave him because of something stupid, like getting bored with our relationship. I’ll never get bored of him. I want to be with him. I do. I… I think I love him, Sam.” Cas closed his eyes and unconsciously leaned into Sam. It felt good to say that he loved Dean out loud. Scary, but good. Because it was true.

 

He loved Dean. Maybe he wasn’t ready to say it _to_ _Dean_ , but admitting it out loud was definitely freeing.

 

Sam looked up at Cas.

 

“What? You… what?”

 

“I love Dean.” He repeated with confidence. He did. He really did.

 

To Cas, it was a big deal. Not the loving _Dean_ part, which was obvious, even though he’d never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than one night. No, the thing that was a big deal was the fact that he was in _love_. _Love_. Real love, too.

 

L-O-V-E, pink heart and red flowers and all. And it was amazing. He’d always thought that he was destined for one night stands and lonely nights drinking. But he found love with an incredible person.

 

“Love?” Sam questioned.

 

Cas nodded.

 

“Love.” He confirmed. His head was swimming. He’d known he’d been in love with Dean for a while now, but he never acted on it. Saying it _out_ _loud_ , though, that changed things. 

 

“Are you going to say something to him? Sam turned his body to face Cas, eyes wide and fighting a smile.

 

_Am I? No, I can’t. Not yet. Dean doesn’t love me yet. I couldn’t. If I said I love him and he didn’t love me? That would be disastrous. Maybe it’s selfish. I don’t know. I will tell him, though. How do you keep something like that to yourself? I’ve already told Sam, so he knows now, too. What if he tells Dean? He wouldn’t. Would he?_

“Uh, Sam? You can’t tell Dean about this, okay? I’ll tell him. I will. Just, not now” Cas tensed, waiting for Sam to argue, but he didn’t.

 

“Okay, okay. You _really_ love him?” Sam double checked.

 

Cas smiled. “Yeah, I… really do.” 

 

He tightened his grip on Sam's shoulder.

* * *

 

 

“Okay, see you in an hour.” Dean ended the call.

 

“Who was that?” Cas asked, slipping his hand under the back of Dean’s shirt, pulling him close.

 

“Mom. She’s coming home. We have to go.” Dean sighed. He was _really_ going to miss sleeping with Cas every night, but he missed his mom, too.

 

Their grandfather’s health had improved after Mary went out to help him.

 

Cas pressed his forehead against Dean’s and kissed him. It was soft, and gentle, like always.

 

“Mhm. I’m gonna miss you in my bed, though.”

 

Dean chuckled lightly. He was feeling good, despite feeling bad. It was really starting to confuse him.

 

“I’m gonna go get Sam.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sam was in ‘his room’, lying on the spare bed Cas had. He was about to text Jess back when Dean opened the door slowly.

 

“Hey, Sammy. Uh, Mom’s coming home soon, so pack your bags.” He looked a little tired. Maybe it was from work. Sam didn’t bother trying to correct him with the nickname, he’d never stop calling him ‘Sammy’. Probably not even when he was a grown man. Sam didn’t really mind anymore. He just pretended, he didn’t know why, it was just a brotherly thing to do.

 

Sam liked living at Cas’. He had a big house and a cool older brother. But, he missed his mom.

 

“Yeah, okay, I’m coming.” Sam answered.

 

Dean smiled and shut the door behind him when he left. Probably to go make out with Cas. Ew.

 

Sam threw the clothes and things he brought into his duffel quickly, then remade the bed and turned out the light as he walked out.

 

Staying at Cas’ house made things better. Cas was in love with Dean, Dean was feeling better, Cas and Sam were getting to actually be friends, and everything was good. He wondered how long it would last.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. I didn't want to take too much time on this chapter because there's going to be more interesting tings (at least i hope you'll think it's interesting) and I didn't want to make you guys wait. But also yay! Sam Cas bonding is my favorite! And are there any suggestions/questions/comments/concerns about where this is going?? I'd be happy to answer you! As always, thanks for reading and I love you all SO MUCH!


	24. Young Love at its Finest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! 
> 
> SamDean fluff and set up for some DeanCas angst....

**_Sunday, May 11_ **

 

“But what if she says no?” Sam was sitting in the kitchen with Dean. Dean laughed.

 

“Sammy, she’s crazy about you. Just ask. The dance is in a few weeks, she’ll want to get a dress.” Dean assured him. It was almost Sam and Jess’ eighth grade graduation, and there was a school dance the Saturday before.

 

Sam was nervous about asking Jess. They’ve been together for about three to four weeks, and Sam was already worried about losing her.

 

“Well, how should I do it? Do I just ask her? Or do I do it in front of the school at lunch like in the movies? Sam asked.

 

Dean put the top layer of bread on each sandwich and brought the plates over to the Sam on the table.

 

“Thanks.” He murmured.

 

“Tell you what. Call Jess, tell her to come home after school tomorrow. I’ll go to Cas’ house so you can have the place to yourselves. Ask her then. Just ask, Sammy. She likes you. She’ll say yes.” Dean couldn’t help but picture Sam awkwardly holding Jess’ waist up high by her ribs and swaying out of time with the music, chests as far away from each other as possible.

 

Sam nodded semi-confidently. “Okay. Okay, yeah. I’ll ask. I’ll just go right out and ask.”

 

They ate their lunches in relative silence. Sam got up when he was done to grab his phone and go into the other room for a little privacy when he called Jess.

 

Dean could still hear him, though.

 

“Hey, Jess. I was, um, can you--can you come over tomorrow? After school?”

 

Dean smiled. Sam was head over heels for Jess, and it was freaking adorable how nervous he got while talking to her.

 

“Really? Cool. I’ll see you in class.” Sam walked back in the kitchen with a blush in his cheeks.

 

“So?” Dean asked, acting like he didn’t hear anything.

 

“She’s coming over. But I don’t want you to go. Stay here. I don’t care if you bring Cas, but just don’t leave.” Sam practically begged.

 

“Okay, I’ll stay we’ll pick you up tomorrow, okay?”

 

Sam nodded and went to his room.

 

Dean finished the last few bites of his sandwich and put his plate in the dishwasher.

 

“Mom?” He called.

 

“Down here!”

 

Dean followed his mother’s voice into the basement, finding her folding clothes on the couch.

 

“I know we don’t have lots of money to spare, but Sam needs a suit for his graduation. He’s growing way too fast and won’t fit into his old one.” Dean hated asking for money, but Sam needed it. He couldn't wear the one he wore to his father's funeral, four years ago.  He could wear the same thing at graduation as the dance, but just with a jacket or something.

 

“How much do you need?” She asked.

 

“$60? He might need new shoes, but I can pay for those.” Dean reasoned. Mary nodded and reached for her purse. She pulled out three twenties and handed them to Dean.

 

“Don’t waste it.” She reminded him.

 

“Thanks, Mom.” Dean gave her a kiss on the cheek, then walked back upstairs, money in hand, to call Cas.

 

He answered on the first ring.

 

“ _Hello,_ _Dean_.” His voice was soft and cheery.

 

“Hey, baby. Listen, remember Sam’s girlfriend, Jess?”

 

“ _The petite blonde that makes googly eyes at Sam all day? Yes._ ”

 

Dean laughed. “Well, he’s asking her to their eighth grade dance and she’s going to say yes, and I need your help picking him out a suit or something to wear. I barely know how to put one on and Sam’s only 13, almost 14. So, what I’m asking is, do you want to come with us when we go shopping so that Sam doesn’t look like an idiot?” Dean was sure Cas wouldn’t mind going along with them, but he’d rather ask than assume.

 

“ _Me? Why?_ ”

 

Dean sighed.

 

“Because you look adorable every fucking day no matter what but at the same time you’re incredibly sexy and hot and I don’t know how you do it and I’m sort of desperate.”

 

He could hear Cas’ muffled laughter on the other line.

 

“ _Okay, I’d love to. Just let me know. So how’s Sam going to ask her?_ ”

 

"He’s just gonna say it. Nothing, fancy, just ask.”

 

“ _Are you going to let them be alone? You can come over if you want so they can have privacy._ ” Cas offered.

 

“That’s what I told him but Sam wants me to be in the house. He’s nervous. Come over? We can eavesdrop on them.” Dean only half joked.

 

“ _Tempting. Yeah, I’ll come over. I miss you._ ”

 

They hadn’t really seen each other in the past few days, being busy with school, homework, and Dean working at the shop.

 

“I know, baby, I miss you too. I’d ask to spend the night, but I have work. This Friday it can be just you and me. Promise.”

 

After that, they talked about nothing and everything, school, food, cars, Sam, Gabriel, themselves. There was a moment of silence, then Cas spoke.

 

“ _Dean, how are you?_ ”

 

 _How am I?_ Dean thought. _Okay. Maybe. Getting there. Missing you. Even though I see you every day and make sure I kiss you lots. But I also feel bad. Like maybe if something goes wrong then everything I’ve worked for in the past month has been for nothing. I’ll relapse and go to the hospital._

_You’ll leave me._

_You’ll leave me before I get good enough for you and clean._

_Before I can tell you about sophomore year with Alastair._

_Before I can tell you that I love you._

_Before I can tell you that I found out that I love you when we were talking on the phone about Sam and his girlfriend._

_Please don’t leave me._

“Good.” Dean lied. It wasn’t a lie, really. At the same time, it wasn’t the truth.

 

“ _Good?_ _Want_ _to_ _talk_?”

 

“I don’t know.” They hadn’t had a sit-down talk-it-out session since… ever. They talked about Dean’s cuts and his way to recovery very occasionally and briefly.

 

“ _Come over, please. I really want to talk about this._ ”

 

How could Dean say no?

 

“I’ll be right there.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean knocked on the big wooden door. Cas opened it immediately, like he was waiting for Dean on the other side. He was smiling bright and beautiful as always.

 

There was a dark black line under his eyes, his eyebrow piercing was in, looking stunning, and his pink tongue swiped out to play with his lip ring. Dean tried to step inside, but Cas pushed him back.

 

“Let’s stay out here.” He pointed to the porch swing.

 

Dean nodded, taking a step to sit down. Cas sat beside him, then pulled Dean’s torso down into his lap. Dean’s feet hung over the side, but it was comfortable, being that close to Cas’ body.

 

Cas ran his hands through Dean’s hair and stroked his cheek.

 

“How are you really?” Cas asked.

 

Dean took a deep breath.

 

“I don’t know. Okay. I haven’t cut. I’ve wanted to. Sometimes I get nightmares. It gets hard. Sometimes I want to lose control. I come so close I can almost feel it. But I never did. Recently, that is.” Dean answered honestly.

 

“What made you stop?”

 

“Truth? Even if you’re not going to like it?” Dean didn’t think Cas would be happy about his reason because the last time he said something like his answer, Cas didn’t like it.

 

“Even if I’m not going to like it.” Cas encouraged.

 

“I thought about how the next time you see me naked, you'll be disappointed in me and won’t want to touch me. I don’t know why you do now, even, because my skin is ruined and it will be forever, but you do. It’s selfish. I know. Your hands on my body, it feels good. Feels really good. And the words you say when you touch me make it that much better. Even if I have a hard time believing. Even when I feel worthless and like nothing. It’s just nice to hear. That’s what.” The fingers carding through Dean’s hair stopped, then started again.

 

“You know I think you should do this for you. Not me. But, if that’s what’s helping you get through this, then do it. Please. I will help you realize how good you are, then you can do it for yourself. Then you’ll know how much you mean to me. How much you’re worth. So much, Dean. You’re worth so much.” Cas’ voice cracked at the last words and his hands trembled next to Dean's hairline.

 

“Hey, hey, baby, don’t get upset. Don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Dean sat up and pulled Cas to his chest. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but it was probably his fault.

 

“N-no! No, don’t be s-s-orry! You can’t just take the blame like that! _Dean_.” Cas sobbed, burying his face in Dean’s chest.

 

Dean rubbed his back and neck, soothing him tenderly. Cas had done it enough times for him. 

 

He didn't know how long he held Cas against his chest. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours. 

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t usually break down like that. It’s just… heart breaking.” Cas admitted once his crying subsided.

 

“Hey. Hey, look at me. You’re okay. I’m okay. Everything will be okay. I promise.” Dean absolutely hated seeing Cas so upset. He looked wrecked, hair a mess, cheeks wet, and lips bitten from worry.

 

“I’m… I’m afraid I’m going to lose you. I am. It’s selfish and dumb for me to think like that. I just don’t want you to go. Or… go.” Cas shivered despite the heat.

 

Dean pulled away from Cas a few inches so that he could look Cas in the eye. His bright blue’s were outlined in harsh red.

 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

 

“I don’t want you to kill yourself! Okay? You’re amazing and you have so much to live for and no matter what I say, you always brush it off like I don’t mean it. But I do. I mean it so much. And I’m afraid… that one day you’re going to end it.  You’re going to end it feeling unloved and unwanted and worthless, when you are the _exact_ opposite.” Cas cried. Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Cas pressed two soft fingers to his lips.

 

“So, from now on, I want you to call me. Day, night, I don’t care. I want you to call me every single time you feel like cutting, harming yourself in any way, if you’re feeling depressed, or for any reason. Call me. I will _always_ pick up. Promise me.”

 

“Cas….” Dean tried to tell him that it wasn’t necessary. He wasn’t suicidal. He didn’t _want_ to die. He just wanted to stop feeling guilty and worthless all the damn time.

 

“No. Promise me.” He demanded.

 

Dean nodded. “Okay, I will. I promise.”

 

Cas closed his eyes and sighed in relief. He slumped back down into Dean’s chest.

 

They lay like that for almost two hours, swinging slightly in the breeze, and holding on to each other for dear life.

 

Cas looked up at Dean. He noticed that Cas kept opening his mouth to say something, then closing it like he changed his mind.

 

“Did you want to ask me something?” Dean asked, curious as to what was making Cas act that way.

 

“No.” Cas answered, unconvincingly.

 

Dean raised his eyebrow.

 

“Really.” Cas tried.

 

Dean rolled his eyes, but left the matter alone. He’d come around.

 

“What do you like?” Cas asked.

 

“Huh?” Dean questioned, confused.

 

“Tell me what you like.” Cas changed his question to a request.

 

“What I like?” Dean repeated.

 

“What you like.” Cas confirmed.

 

“I like… my car. I like my flannels. I like winter and fall. And burgers. And pie. And Sam. And you. I like you, a lot.” Dean thought that was what Cas wanted.

 

“Be specific, Dean.”

 

“I like your messy hair, and your stupid, perfect blue eyes. They make me melt. And your hands.” Dean continued.

 

“I meant be specific about liking your car or pie. But my hands?”

 

“Your hands, rough and soft and big at the same time. But what I love most about them, is the way you touch me.” When Dean confessed, Cas’ breath hitched.

 

He took it as encouragement. “Not even sexually, really. Just, you. When you hold my hand, or touch my neck, or wrap your fingers around my calf. You never push. You never insist on taking more, taking me farther. You never try to get me in bed with you. But I want to, with you. You’re fingers and knuckles and palms and _you_ make me want to. So bad. But we never have.” Dean felt his chest get lighter with every word that he spoke. Him and Cas had never talked about having a more physical relationship than what they've already done.

 

“Dean, baby, I do, too. I want to wait, though. You’re special to me, I want to take our time with this relationship. I don’t want you to think that you want it, then regret it and hate me the next morning. I don’t want to push you. I know you say I’m not and that you don’t feel that way, but I think it will be better if we wait.” Cas explained.

 

“I know what being pushed feels like. This isn’t it. And you’re right. We’ll wait.” Dean assured him, oblivious to what just came out of his mouth.

 

Cas sat up straighter.

 

“What? You know what that’s like? Did something happen...? Dean…?” Cas worried. Dean immediately felt stupid for admitting that.

 

“Never mind. It’s nothing, forget about it.” Dean’s attempt to brush it off failed miserably.

 

“Well, it’s obviously something. Dean, were you sexually assaulted?” The worry and concern in Cas’ voice was heart breaking.

 

Cas was spot on. Dean shrugged and looked down at his hands. Cas went silent. The silence was too loud. Dean got up to walk away, but Cas held him down.

 

“Come inside with me. We’re talking about this, now.” Cas pulled Dean by the wrist inside with him, shutting and locking the door behind him.

 

“What happened, Dean?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated when I could. I've been super sick lately, and I've missed some school, which means that I probably have a ton of homework to make up. Awesome. 
> 
> Anyways..... Thanks for reading, as always, and if you or someone you know has been sexually harassed, abused, or assaulted, never hesitate to report it or talk about it. 
> 
> Questions? Comments? Concerns? Hearing your guys' feedback is like a little tiny e-mail god giving me motivation one comment at a time! Ily and goodnight!


	25. Helpless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for rape/non con!

**_Sunday, May 11_ **

 

“Okay, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I’m sorry for not telling you about this earlier. I should have told you when we started dating. I should have told you when we first had sex. I should have told you when I told you about my cuts, and I’m sorry.” Dean confessed.

 

They were sitting in the middle of Castiel’s bed, legs crossed, facing each other.

 

Honestly, to him, the timing of their talk felt awkward. He knew he had to say something, though. He’d already let it slip that he was sexually assaulted, and not saying anything now would make their relationship even harder than it already was.

 

Cas was silent.

 

Dean went on.

 

“Sophomore year, I got dragged to a party. It was a senior party, one I shouldn’t have been to. I don’t even know why I went, to be honest. I guess I wanted to fit in.” Dean looked down into his lap. He did want to fit in. Desperately. He didn’t have any friends and people teased him for being a loner, so he made an effort to make some people like him.

  
“Everyone was drunk and rowdy, and the boundaries were being pushed everywhere.” Dean could still smell the alcohol and sweat if he tried.

 

“Then, around one in the morning, I noticed this guy in the corner of the room, watching me. He had this sort of predatory look on his face. I ignored him. For the rest of the night I saw him out of the corner of my eye, always there, but I never gave him a second thought.” Dean looked up at Cas. He noticed that the raven haired boy’s hands were trembling, like he wanted to reach out and touch Dean, but he didn’t. Dean was grateful for that.

 

“When I was about to leave, he came near me. He touched my hip from behind softly, tenderly, and whispered in my ear. He said, ‘ _Hey, pretty thing, going so soon? Don’t you want to spend a little time with me?_ ’ And I said yes. I shouldn't have, I know that. I really just wanted to be noticed, I was desperate. He gave me the attention that I wanted.” Dean felt ashamed to be admitting that, but Cas just nodded along, letting Dean know that he was listening. It was reassuring.

 

“He put his hand in mine, it was cold and clammy, and took me upstairs. He told me it was because the music was too loud downstairs. I believed him.” Actually telling Cas all of this, this story, made Dean feel really, _really_ stupid. And vulnerable. And ashamed.

 

“His name was Alastair. I’d seen him at school. He was a senior. When we got upstairs, he locked the door. That made me a little nervous, but I didn’t say anything. He wanted to spend time with me. I didn’t even care that he was drunk. He was giving me attention, talking to me, making me feel noticed. I liked it.” Dean kept his head down. He didn’t feel like facing Cas, not when he was confessing so much about himself that he felt guilty about.

 

“We were in somebody’s bedroom. He sat me down on the bed and started touching my knees. I let him, because it felt good to be touched like that. He tried to kiss me, and I shied away. I was nervous. I didn’t really want to kiss him. He got aggressive, after that, telling me to be happy that he’s giving me attention and be grateful for what he’s doing for me. I sort of was. I mean, it made me a little uncomfortable, but he wanted me.” Dean forced himself to look up into Cas’ eyes. The blueness shocks him every time. It was getting to be ridiculous. Dean swallowed and looked down again.

 

“H-he…. He… uhm….” Dean was having a hard time keeping his voice straight. He felt a soft hand on his ankle, fingers wrapping lightly around the bone. It was comforting.

 

Cas spoke. “Dean, it’s okay. I know I sort of made you come up here and talk to me about this. You don’t have to. Not if you don’t want to. I shouldn’t have made you. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how bad this was for you.”

 

Cas’ voice was showing genuine concern for Dean. Dean looked up again.

 

His thick eyebrows were creased together in worry, and there was a wet trail going down his right cheek. Dean reached his arm across the space between them and wiped the saltwater away with his thumb. Cas gave Dean a sad smile and whispered, “Sorry.” Cas’ teeth kept worrying at his lips, and Dean didn’t know how his lip ring didn’t pop right off from how much he bit them.

 

Dean shook his head. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” Dean was glad that his voice didn’t crack. He was okay. He didn’t feel bad or awkward like he did when they started talking. And yeah, maybe he wouldn’t have picked right then to tell Cas what happened with Alastair, but he was glad he did.

 

Cas nodded at him to keep going.

 

“He put his hands on my hips and flipped me face down on the bed. That’s when I realized that I had to get away from him, because he could really hurt me. Alastair took my shoes off. I tried to twist away, but he had my arms tied together to the headboard with his belt, and my legs in his hands. I kept kicking, but he was stronger than me. He got one of my legs tied down and was on all fours above me.” Dean looked down again. He didn’t really like reliving that night, but he only had to do it once. Then he and Cas would be even closer.

 

“I knew I couldn’t really do anything to get him off of me, he was stronger, bigger, and older. I still tried, though. When I actually got him with a kick from my free leg, he slapped me, hard. I started to panic, telling him to stop, that I didn’t want him to touch me, that I wanted him to get off. I screamed, but nobody heard. The music was way too loud. After a while, I got tired, and he wasn’t making any more advances so I started to relax a little. He undid the button on my jeans, and I couldn’t fight him on it since he straddled the leg that wasn’t tied down. I started yelling for help again, but he shoved rag in my mouth to quiet me.”

 

Dean shuddered. Cas tightened his grip on Dean’s ankle.

 

“Alastair pulled my jeans down my hips and thighs, and took them off of that one leg. They were still around my calf on the leg that was tied down. He put his hands on my face and I started to cry. He slapped me again and I stopped trying to fight him anymore. He pulled my underwear off my legs like my jeans and then tied the free ankle down.” Dean noticed that Cas let go of Dean’s ankle then, bringing his hand down into his own lap. He knew that Cas thought it would trigger Dean, but he wanted Cas’ touch to encourage him. He grabbed Cas’ hand and brought it back down to his foot.

 

Cas looked at him questioningly.

 

“Don’t let go.”

 

Cas wrapped his fingers tight around the bone, right under the hem of Dean’s jeans. Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

 

“He got off of me, and I had the stupid thought that he was just going to leave me alone, tied up and naked, but alone. No. He just got off so he could take his own clothes off. I couldn’t see anything. I think that was the worst part. He was putting his hands on my thighs and legs and hips but I couldn’t see what he was about to do. Once Alastair got his clothes off, he sat on the bed next to me. I think he was talking but I wasn’t really listening. He just wouldn’t get _off_.” Dean remembered feeling so helpless. He couldn’t fight back, he couldn’t get help, and he couldn’t see what was happening. He just had to let it happen.

 

“I guess he saw the small scars on the backs of my thighs. He hit them, clawed at them. I was bleeding, I could feel it running down my legs. He took the rag out of my mouth so I screamed, but he put his hands over my mouth and told me that if I ever tried to scream again, he’d choke me. I closed my eyes. He slipped two fingers in my mouth. They tasted like sweat and alcohol. Alastair said he was just getting me ready. When he took them out, he put them between… between m-my….” Dean broke off in a sob.

 

Cas inched closer.

 

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Dean. You’re okay. You’re safe right now. You don’t have to keep going. It’s okay.” Cas whispered softly. He began to rub circles with his thumb around Dean’s anklebone.

 

“N-no. I want to. I want you to h-hear this now. I don’t want to have to do th-this again.” Dean felt tears spill over his eyelids. His throat was tight. He took a deep breath. Cas nodded.

 

“Between my legs. He put them between my legs. The rag went back in my mouth. Alastair tried to put them in me. I clenched, trying to keep him out. Nothing had ever… been in there before. Not even my fingers.  I was afraid to try it out. Afraid I wouldn’t like it. He kept pushing, though, trying to get them in. He smacked my hip, saying that it was just going to hurt more if I didn’t let him in. So I did. I relaxed as much as I could, but his fingers still didn’t go in. He slapped my thigh. Of course I didn’t want him to f-finger me, but it would have hurt less if he just got it in and stopped pushing so hard. When they still wouldn’t get inside me, he tried just one. It went in.” Dean shivered. The memory of Alastair telling him how tight he was and how good Dean was going to make him feel.

 

He went on.

 

“It _hurt_. Just one finger. It hurt so _bad_ , Cas. He started to move it around, and it burned. I couldn’t even try to get away from him. He tried to get the other finger in. I-it _wouldn’t_ go in, and he just kept _pushing_. I guess eventually he got frustrated because he just shoved the second one in. I screamed. I-I felt this warm wetness dripping down my… my balls… and I realized that it was my blood. _The only reason his second finger went in me is because I was bleeding_.” Cas made a small sound. Dean didn’t know what it meant, but he knew it was an unhappy noise. He looked up.

 

Cas’ shoulders were shaking, his head was turned, face in his hands. Dean sucked in a breath.

 

“Cas?” He whispered softly. Dean didn’t like the way his voice sounded. Raw, like he’d been crying. Ha.

 

Cas shook his head, he didn’t want to say anything, but he made a motion with his hand that meant he wanted Dean to continue.

 

Dean nodded, not like Cas could see.

 

It was easier to tell the story. Now that he and Cas had already acknowledged where they stood in this, it wasn’t so hard to get the words out, even if it was still in his mind.

 

“After that, it didn’t hurt as much, I stayed quiet, even though I was crying. I stopped fighting it. I knew he was raping me. I just couldn’t do anything about it. He took his fingers out of my ass. I was really stupid to think he was done with me. He climbed over me and put his penis on my lower back. It was wet. He dragged it down between my cheeks and started thrusting between them. I buried my face in the mattress.” Dean caught himself trying to curl his body away from Cas. There was nothing to hide from. He didn’t have to shy away.

 

Cas saw the movement and faced him. Dean didn’t like the way that Cas’ face was contorted into some emotion that he couldn’t place. Of course he was still beautiful, he always was, but now it was a sort of sad beauty. His cheeks were puffy, eyes red. Still perfect, though. Dean didn’t understand.

 

“He said he wanted to come in me, and that he knew I wanted it, too. I couldn’t argue, tell him I wanted him to get off of me, leave me alone.  Alastair tried to push into me. It was stupid, really, because if his fingers wouldn’t fit, then how could his penis? Maybe he thought he could make me bleed enough that it would substitute lube. It didn’t. I was screaming in pain, I just _couldn’t_ take him in. I hate that I’m saying this, but even if I _wanted_ to, I don’t think I could have. He gave up after a while.” Dean noticed Cas looking up at him again.

 

“But he didn’t let me go. He took the rag out of my mouth and untied my legs. He turned my body so that I was facing up, arms still tied to the headboard. I could see him. He was red in the face, his hand was stroking his dick. He leaned over me, knee on either side of my head, hands on my legs so they wouldn’t move. Alastair pushed forward. Now that I could see, I didn’t want to. The head of his penis hit my lips. I closed my eyes.” Dean remembered the feeling of something hard, salty and dirty on his mouth. It was humiliating.

 

“He made me open my mouth for him. He put his dick all the way down my throat, I was choking and gagging. He didn’t care. Alastair fucked my throat. I thought I was going to choke for real, before he finally pulled out and came on my face.” Dean noticed that Cas’ shoulders decompressed at his words and he let out a small sigh. It was confusing.

 

“What are you thinking about, Cas?” Dean asked.

 

“Oh… I was just… thinking….” Cas gave him a small smile. It was weak.

 

“Cas?”

 

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m being really selfish right now. It doesn’t matter what I’m thinking. Tell me how you’re feeling.” Cas was rubbing up and down Dean’s calf with the hand that he had on his ankle.

 

“What? It matters a lot, Cas. Of course it matters. You matter to me, and what you’re thinking definitely matters. Whenever we talk, you always ask how I’m feeling, how I’m doing, if I’m okay. Which is awesome, but just because I have some problems, doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about yours. I want to know. You have to know that you can tell me what you’re feeling, thinking. It doesn’t take away from what you do for me. Promise you will, from now on?” Dean wanted Cas to tell him stuff.

 

Stuff like the stupid things Gabriel does to tick him off. Or how much he hates his math teacher. Or that he can never get to class fast enough because this group of girls always manages to get in front of him. Or that his morning muffin got stuck to the paper so the bottom turned into crumbs and it got all over his car. Even what he thinks about Dean. Anything and everything.

 

Cas nodded. Dean smiled.

 

“So what were you thinking about?” Dean tried again.

 

Cas sighed. “You. That you’re so young and you have to deal with that. The fact that I wasn’t there to stop him, even though I know it was before I moved. I was angry at him, but hurt for you. Dean, I wish you told me before we started having sex. I would have been gentler. I would have gone slower. I would _not_ , however, feel like I didn’t want to do this with you anymore. I do. I’m just… I’m happy you told me this, Dean. Really. I know it must be hard. But you told me. So thank you.” Cas sounded so sincere that it hurt. Dean wanted to scream and tell him he loves him, but that would wait.

 

All Dean could do was nod.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Cas asked.

 

Again, Dean nodded.

 

Cas smiled. He got closer to Dean so that they were in each other’s space, and put the hand that wasn’t resting on Dean’s calf on his neck. They pressed their foreheads together. Dean breathed in. Cas smelled like watermelon and cinnamon. He usually does. Dean reached between him and put one hand on Cas’ stomach, the other around his shoulder. Dean closed his eyes. Cas leaned in, slowly, so slowly, until their lips touched, lightly, just barely making contact. Cas’ lips were so warm, the caress of them softer than Dean remembered and he pressed their mouths together insistently. It was soft and slow, and that was just what they needed.

 

Dean didn’t want to ever pull away, kissing Cas just felt so _right_ , but he needed to breathe.

 

“Dean, you’re incredible.”

 

Dean blinked. Cas said he was incredible. Yeah, he’s said it a hundred times before, but this time there wasn’t a little voice inside of Dean’s head telling him that he was really pathetic and Cas didn’t mean it.

 

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i'd love to know what you guys are feeling about this? love you <3


	26. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah.

**_Sunday, May 11_ **

 

It was Sunday night, a few hours after Dean and Cas talked about Dean’s rape. They were spooning on Cas’ bed, bodies pressed together and arms tight around chests. Dean was going to stay over because Mary was home with Sam so he wouldn’t be left alone without Dean. Dean shivered when Cas’ began to pepper small kisses along the back of his neck and ear.

 

 “You’re not mad? About me not telling you that I was… in that situation?" Dean really hated to say the word 'rape'. "Before we did… things?” Dean asked, skeptical. He didn’t want to bring the topic back up, but it was a question that had been in the back of his mind all night. He turned around in Cas’ arms to face him.

 

“What? No! _No_. I’m not mad. I could _never_ be mad at you. When I said that I was angry, I meant that I was angry at the person who did this, not angry at you. This isn’t your fault, baby.” Cas told him. “I just sort of wish that you told me before we did anything sexual.  Would have been gentler. Slower.”

 

“Cas, you didn’t need to be. I didn’t feel like it was with him. It felt like I was with you. And I like that. I should never have been at that party. He wouldn’t have been able to touch me if I wasn’t there.” Dean whispered.

 

“Stop. You don’t deserve to feel that way. He shouldn’t have even been near you. Shouldn’t have been drinking. Shouldn’t have forced himself on you. It’s not your fault. It’s his.” Cas looked heart broken and on the verge of tears. Dean inched a little closer to him, thighs and hips now connected.

 

“You still want me?” Dean asked.

 

“Yes. Yes I still want you. _Yes_.” Cas said immediately. Dean smiled.

 

“Okay.” They grinned like idiots at each other. Cas’ smile fell quickly.

 

“Dean?”

 

“What’s wrong, baby?”

 

“How do you feel about your cutting today?” Cas ran his hand down the side of Dean’s face.

 

Dean couldn’t lie to Cas anymore. He’d lied about himself enough.

 

“I feel like every day I get closer to doing it, like soon I’ll be at my breaking point and it’ll be bad. It’s been so long and I’m _really_ trying so hard but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep doing it. School’s almost out, and I really want to finish the year clean, but I don’t think I can do it anymore. It’s so _hard_ , Cas.” Dean confessed. For once, he didn’t feel ashamed to admit that he was struggling.  

 

“That’s okay, Dean. It’s okay to feel like that. You’re doing the best you can do and I’m proud of you. Just know I’m here for you, okay, baby?"

 

Dean really felt like Cas meant it. It was okay to feel iffy, not sure about something. It’ll work out. He’ll figure it out.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Cas’ lips quirked up into a small smile. It was, of course, completely adorable. He looked up, meeting those deep blue eyes.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Cas asked breathlessly.

 

Dean nodded, feeling high off of the security and closeness that Cas provided for him.

 

Cas closed the barely there gap between their bodies and captured Dean’s lips in a hard, slow kiss. Dean couldn’t help but let out a low moan into Cas’ mouth, sinking their bodies closer together.

 

Every time they kissed, Dean wished it could go on forever. Their kisses were always cut short because the need to breath became too much.

 

Dean pulled away reluctantly, but still kept their bodies close together. Dean loved him so much, right then. But, no. No, he wasn’t going to tell Cas.

 

Not yet.

 

He decided that when they were past this, getting to know everything about each other, learning about their families, and Cas _still_ didn’t break up with him, then he would tell Cas. He would.

 

Sometimes it hurt, to feel how much you love someone, but you can never say anything out loud. Cas would reject him. Or he could kiss Dean and tell him he loves him back. Ha. What a story. He didn’t want to take the risk.

 

Cas smiled.

 

“Pajamas?”

 

Dean nodded.

 

They both got off the bed and peeled their socks back. Well, Dean did, Cas can’t sleep without his socks on. Dean, without much thought, had started unbuttoning his jeans and taking off his underwear. He quickly pulled his briefs back up on his hips when he realized that he wasn’t getting ready for bed at home. Cas tried to hide his blush. Dean saw it, though, then looked up, face bright red, to meet Cas’ eyes.

 

“I-I should… pants.” Dean was amazed at how much he continued to embarrass himself with Cas on a daily basis.

 

Cas just _giggled_.

 

“It’s okay, take off your jeans if you want. Or your underwear, I don’t care. We’re gonna cuddle hardcore so you might as well be comfortable.”

 

If Cas hadn’t sounded so serious, Dean would have laughed. Cas was right. They’d seen each other naked, anyways.

 

Dean really wanted to be naked with Cas. Not have sex, not tonight, but just lie with him in the dark, curled up for warmth, bodies pressed together, nothing to hide, because they loved each other. Or rather, Dean loved Cas.

 

Cas started stripping off his own jeans, wiggling his hips to pull them off. He tucked his thumbs into the waistband of his underwear and gave Dean a questioning look. Dean nodded. Cas stripped out of his boxers and took his shirt off slowly.

 

Dean thought he looked beautiful. Of course, he always did. Tonight felt different. They were together, bare, unashamed. Cas stood by the bed, the little moonlight coming in from the window shining on his skin, hair sticking up in odd places, tattoos dark against his flesh, soft cock hanging between his legs, feet wonderfully sock covered. It was all so _Cas_.

 

“Dean?”

 

Dean realized he was staring. He blushed, and kicked his jeans off. Taking his shirts off, he watched Cas climb into bed again, pulling back the covers for Dean. Dean noticed that Cas’ head was turned slightly away, to give him privacy.

 

He slipped out of his underwear, feeling good, and shimmied under the bedspread that Cas pulled back for him.

 

They just wanted to be together, so they lay there, side by side.

 

Dean felt ready to be held and touched.

 

“You said we were going to cuddle.” Dean pouted.

 

Cas looked over at him. “Do you want to?” Cas asked.

 

Dean nodded. “Of course.”

 

“Big or little spoon?”

 

Dean liked being the big spoon, he felt in control and he liked holding onto Cas’ body so tight. But, he thought that maybe it was Cas’ turn to have some control, like before. That night, he wanted to be held.  

 

“Little.” Dean replied, satisfied with his answer.

 

Cas didn’t say anything about Dean’s decision, just rolled Dean onto his side and came up behind him.

 

Strong hands came around his front, wrapping around tightly. He covered them with his hands. Firm thighs hit his hamstrings and bony knees were tucked under his. They fit together so well, like they were meant to be. Dean loved it.

 

“C-Cas?” Dean tried.

 

“Yeah, baby?” The voice was so close to his ear, breath hot on his neck.

 

“I know we already talked about this a long time ago, but I wanted to ask you something again.” Dean was unsure of himself.

 

“Anything.” Cas encouraged.

 

“My…. Do my scars, do they really not make you… sick?”

 

“Sick?” Cas repeated.

 

“Yeah, sick. Like, when I look at them, touch them, I feel sick. Nauseous. Like I’m going to pass out if I see them one more time.” Dean clarified.

 

“No, I don’t feel sick. I’m a little sad, but that will change. You will change. Eventually you won’t feel sick. You’ll be proud of how far you’ve come, to the point that you don’t think about hurting yourself every day, or that you don’t feel worthless anymore. That you don’t feel dirty from what Alastair did to you. You’re going to be so happy. And I’m going to be there to witness it.”

 

Dean wished he could believe what Cas was telling him. It was impossible. He didn’t have the energy to argue, though, so he pushed his back and butt into Cas’ middle, leaning into him harder. Cas tightened his grip around Dean’s waist and planted a firm kiss on the back of his neck.

 

They didn’t talk, didn’t move, didn’t try to comfort each other. The seconds passed quickly, turning into minutes, then an hour, then an hour and a half… two….

 

Dean turned his head slightly to look out the window. The stars were exceptionally bright.

 

He couldn’t go to sleep. He was too busy thinking about Sam and their relationship and what would happen if Sam found out about him. He was just a boy, he didn’t need his basket case of a brother to worry about. Dean sighed deeply, unintentionally.

 

Cas tightened his grip on Dean.

 

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

Dean loved it when Cas called him ‘baby’.

 

“If Sam saw my scars he wouldn’t ever look at me again.” Dean whispered seriously.

 

Cas pressed a kiss to the back of Dean’s neck.

 

“He loves you, Dean. He loves you more than anything. He’ll still love you. That doesn’t change anything. He’d want you to get help, see someone about this. Don’t worry, okay? Sam will do anything for you to make you happy. He doesn’t want you to struggle. Now, come on. Go to sleep. We have school tomorrow.”

 

Dean nodded.

 

They didn’t say any more.

 

“Hey, Cas?”

 

“Yeah, baby?”

 

“Sam’s gonna ask Jess to go to the dance with him tomorrow. Still wanna come over?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Dean smiled.

 

He tried to go to sleep.

 

His mind kept replaying things that happened during the day.

 

_Cas knows about me. And he doesn’t hate me._

_Cas knows I’ve been sexually assaulted. And he doesn’t think I’m disgusting._

_Cas likes to touch me, even when I don’t like to touch myself._

_Cas doesn’t think Sam will abandon me once I tell him I have a hard time with myself._

_Cas wants me._

_I have to do everything I can to keep him around._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to post the next chapter in a few days since it's shorter. 
> 
> This fic is almost done! 
> 
> I'm excited but sad. It's been a long journey with you guys, and I love every single one of you!
> 
> Comment please! Reviews are the only reason I'm even still writing this story, honestly.


	27. Dream

_**Sunday, May 11** _

 

Cas felt and heard Dean’s breathing get lighter, softer, and he knew that he was asleep. He closed his eyes.

 

_I should have told him that I love him. Dammit. Now I won’t get the courage to do it._

Cas lightly pulled Dean in impossibly closer to his body. He smiled against the back of Dean’s neck.

 

 _I love you,_ he mouthed against the warm skin. _I love you._

 

Before he drifted off, Cas thought about when he would tell Dean that he loves him.

 

Maybe he’d wait until the last day of school, until summer.

 

No, too far away. He couldn’t wait that long.

 

Right now.

 

No, he couldn’t wake Dean up. As if that was the only problem with that plan.

 

Was he crazy? Maybe. But still no.

 

When was that dance that Sam was going to ask Jess to? He recalled that Dean said it was on May 30th. Or around there.  It was a Friday. He could tell Dean then. Sam would be out of the house, Mary inevitably at work, the house all to themselves….

 

It was about 2 weeks away, so he’s have enough time to think about how he’d say it. It would be perfect.

 

They’d be all alone, having just sent two nicely-dressed kids away to their first dance together. Cas envisioned Dean sitting at the kitchen table, trying to finish his homework.

 

Cas would squeeze him from behind and pull him into a tight hug, distracting him from school for just a second. He’d hold Dean close and tell him he looks beautiful, because he does.

 

Cas would take him to the diner they went to on their first date, and order them milkshakes with burgers. Even though Cas was technically taking Dean, Dean would drive them because he hates Cas’ car and Cas knows how much he loves his Impala. She _was_ a breathtaking automobile. Dean would think it was just a regular date.

 

He would tell Dean that he wants to go to the lookout when they’re finished, this wide field of soft grass that cuts off and looks down over the river. Dean would take him there.

 

Once it got dark, and the summer stars were out, Cas would take Dean to sit with him on the hood of the Impala, her shiny, freshly washed black paint reflecting the moonlight.

 

He’d take Dean’s hand, tell him what he thought of when they first met in that classroom.

 

How absolutely gorgeous he was, _is_ , how he looked so shy, so nervous. He kept blushing and trying to hide it. It was adorable. Everything Dean did was.

 

And then Dean would get flustered and blush, and it would be adorable.

 

Cas would pull their bodies close, feeling Dean’s warmth in the cool night. He’d take Dean’s hand, kiss every nail, every knuckle, every crease in his palm. Dean’d ask why he was doing that. Cas would respond with, ‘Because you’re special to me.’ because Dean is.

 

He’ _so_ special.

 

Cas feels like he can’t breathe sometimes when Dean’s away. He means everything to Cas.

 

Then, Cas will take his other hand and kiss it, just like he had the first one. He’d push Dean’s chest down so that he was flat on his back, and he’d crawl over him.

 

He’d take his arm and roll the sleeve up to his elbow, and kiss every single scar that lined the insides of Dean’s wrists. Then, he’d kiss the ones on the outside of Dean’s forearm, and go up to kiss Dean, smiling.

 

Cas would do it all over again with his other arm, soft kisses and light, gentle touches.

 

He’d reach for Dean’s collar, and slowly, so slowly, unbutton the top one. He’d kiss Dean’s neck, jaw, ear. Slow. Cas would unbutton the flannel that Dean would certainly wear one by one, running his fingers along the thick scars there, mouth touching every inch of his beautiful skin.

 

Cas would make Dean feel so good.

 

Once he was relaxed and comfortable with being bare, Cas would come back up to face Dean.

 

He’d kiss him softly and pull away.

 

He’d say, ‘Dean, I love you, and I want to be with you no matter what.’

 

Cas came back to reality and sighed softly, trying not to wake Dean.

 

As much as he wanted it, _needed_ it, he couldn’t picture Dean saying it back to him.

 

From high school boyfriends, to college roommates, faithful husbands. Cas wanted to have three little rascals that somehow looked like them both, like they were _theirs_ , they _made_ these creatures. Even though it was impossible. Two boys and a girl, all with bright green eyes and light freckles like their Daddy, and wild hair with a goofy smile like their Papa.

 

Cas smiled.

 

He wanted that so badly.

 

It probably wouldn’t happen.

 

Cas would still tell Dean, though. He couldn’t keep that to himself if he tried.

 

But he could dream, couldn’t he?

 

Cas could picture coming home after a long day of work and finding Dean, his beautiful husband, half asleep on the couch with two unconscious toddlers in his arms, the youngest in his crib.

 

They’d put the kids to bed, the go to bed themselves, lying down in each other’s space.

 

They would have a huge house with toys and games for their kids to play with. The oldest always sitting in his Papa’s lap and playing with the shiny jewelry on his face.  

 

What would their names be?

 

The little girl would be Mary. Or Claire. Cas liked that name.

 

The youngest boy would be Bobby. Or Sam Jr. Dean would love that.

 

Their oldest boy could be Adam. Or John. Dean might not want to name him after his father. It’s just a idea.

 

Cas realizes he’s crazy, insane, yes.

 

He’s seventeen years old, and already thinking about ten, twenty years in the future. Married, with kids, of course, to Dean, his boyfriend of one month.

 

But they were more than that, weren’t they?

 

Cas thought so.

 

He pulled Dean’s body even tighter to his chest, and drifted off to the sound of Dean’s slow, even, easy breathing.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Papa! When I grow up will I get stripes on my skin like Daddy?”_

_Cas looked down at his oldest boy, Adam. He picked up the five year old, propping him on his hip._

_“Well, not everyone does. Just some really, really brave people who had a hard time in their life.” Cas knew the subject of self-harm was going to come up in their family. It was bound to._

_“So how did Daddy get his?”_

_“Why don’t we go ask him?” Cas hiked the growing boy up higher on his hip and walked up the tall, but carpeted for safety, staircase to where Dean was, giving the baby, Sam Jr., a bottle in the nursery._

_Cas put Adam down, and watched as he crawled into Dean’s lap, careful of baby Sam. Claire was playing with her train set quietly by the wall, long, soft blonde hair falling into her eyes._

_“Daddy? How come you have owies on your skin? Did you get into an accident? My friend Alphie’s older sister has some, too. She’s old. I think she’s twenty. He said that when she was in junior high, mean people hurt her with words.” Adam wrapped his chubby hands and arms around Dean’s neck._

_Cas smiled._

_“Well, honey, when I was in junior high, I had a hard time getting along with_ my _dad. He didn’t like me very much.” Adam gasped at that._

_“But I love you, Daddy!” Dean smiled wide._

_“I know. I love you, too.”_

_“So what happened?” Adam asked, squirming a little on Dean’s thigh and knee where he was sitting._

_“So Daddy was sad, and he didn’t know what to do, so he gave himself little stripes to deal with the sadness. It didn’t help much, though.” Dean shifted Adam to sit more comfortably on his leg._

_“I don’t like it when you’re sad, Daddy. Did Papa make it better? You met him in school, right?”_

_Sam Jr. wiggled and squirmed happily in Dean’s arm, mouth tight around the bottle._

_“Yes, Adam. He did. After a few years of being sad, Daddy met Papa, and Papa made it all better. He made Daddy feel happy.” Dean glanced up at Cas and caught his smile._

_“Will I ever have owies on my arms?” Adam asked._

_Dean’s smile went away. His beautiful, perfect child wouldn’t go through what he did. No._

_“No, baby. Your Daddy and your Papa love you_ so _much, you won’t feel bad. Claire loves you, too, isn’t that right, honey?” Dean looked into the corner where the small girl was still playing with her trains, making them crash together and stick with the little magnets on each side of the train car._

_She looked up from her toys. “I wuv you, Ada!” She squealed._

_“And baby Sam loves you, too.” Sam Jr. hummed around the bottle as if in agreement._

_“You’re gonna be nice and healthy and happy when you grow up. All big and strong.” Dean pulled Adam closer to his shoulder and gave him a kiss on his hair._

_“Are you happy, now, Daddy?” Adam asked._

_Dean’s smiled returned._

_“Yeah, I’m very happy. You know why?” Dean’s smile got even wider when Adam shrugged._

_“Because I have you, and Claire, and baby Sam, and your Papa that love me. And your Uncle Sammy and Aunt Jess and Uncle Gabe love me, too. You’re my family. And you make me happy.”_

_Cas could barely contain himself._

_“I love you so much, Dean. I really do.”_

_“I know, baby, I know. I love you, too.”_

* * *

 

 

Cas woke up with a very permanent smile on his face to his very beautiful, very naked boyfriend, who looked positively amazing.

 

“Dean, you look so good right now.”

 

“Cas? Are you okay?”

 

“I’m perfect.”

 

Dean shrugged, kissed him good morning, and got out of bed. He started putting on Cas’ clothes from his closet, without asking, without needing to be told. He just did it because he was comfortable doing it.

 

Now isn’t that a wonderful thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. I love them having kids tbh, it's amazing. 
> 
> I just thought I'd give some more from Cas' point of view, how he thinks of Dean. 
> 
> Any predictions to how I'm gonna end this? I'd love to hear them!
> 
> Much love!


	28. Sam Pops the Question

**_Monday, May 12_ **

 

Dean and Cas picked the kids up at school. They were standing at the curb, shying away slightly from each other and holding hands.

 

When the car pulled up, Sam opened the door for Jess and climbed into the back after her.

 

The drive was silent, Sam nervously biting his nails—a habit that he’d thought he grew out of.  Dean and Cas put light hands on each other’s thighs, gesture that both of them were comfortable with and was PG rated enough that Jess and Sam could witness it.

 

When they got back to the house, Dean and Cas left Sam and Jess alone in the living room, while they went into the kitchen. They sat at the table quietly, not wanting to disturb the young couple, but also because they wanted to hear what was going on.

“So… um… I was wondering… if you… do you….” Sam’s voice was soft and unsure. Dean though it was good that Sam was this nervous with her. It meant he cared a lot.

 

“Yeah?” A higher pitched voice encouraged.

 

“Doyouwanttogotothedancewithme?” Sam blurted. Dean could practically hear his face get red.

 

“Come again?” Dean could hear the smile in her voice, laughing at his goofiness.

 

“Uh, Jess… do you… would you….” _Come on, ask her!_ “Would you like to go to the 8 th grade dance with me?”

 

There was a silence, then Jess spoke.

 

“I can’t go with you,” Dean gave Cas a disbelieving look. “My parents are going to be out of town and don’t want me going if they aren’t there.”

 

He could sense the tension in the other room.

 

“Oh.” Sam’s voice was low and full of disappointment.

 

It was silent.

 

Cas and Dean exchanged sad and confused expressions, but Dean’s turned to surprised when Cas took his hand, shot up, then began walking into the other room.

 

“Hey! We can’t go in there!” He protested, but it was no use.

 

When they fell into the living room, Cas stopped Dean from saying anything more.

 

The picture that they walked in on was heartbreaking.

 

Sam was sitting on the couch, holding a curly blonde head to his small chest, skinny arms wrapped around her back. She had her hands at his ribs, holding him in place.

 

“It’s okay,” Sam whispered. “I don’t have to go, either. We can do something else.”

 

“No! You have to go. It’s supposed to be really fun. Just go. Hang out with your friends.” Jess encouraged.

 

“I don’t want to go if you’re not going.”

 

“You can go.” Everybody looked up at Cas as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

 

“What?” Jess asked.

 

“Your parents won’t let you go because you’ll be alone, right? You have nobody to take you?” Cas tried.

 

“Yeah….” Jess confirmed, confused.

 

“I’ll take you. We can get you a dress and shoes and whatever else you want to wear. Dean can take Sam shopping, and on the day of the dance, you can get ready here, in the basement. You guys can’t miss out on your first dance.” Dean looked at Cas with awe. Cas squeezed his hand.

 

Jess nodded. “Okay, yeah. Maybe we can do that. Sam?”

 

Sam pulled her into a hug.

 

“Thanks, Cas.” Was all he said.

 

Jess pulled away from Sam go give Cas a big hug. “Thank you so much, Castiel.”

 

“Call me Cas.” He blushed.

 

Jess smiled bright. She gave Sam a quick kiss, then they both ducked their heads and blushed when they remembered that Dean and Cas were still standing there.

 

Dean clapped his hands.

 

“Alright, now that we’ve got that young love figured out, I’m gonna get ready for work.”

 

Dean began walking up the stairs, Cas in tow. He shut his bedroom door behind them, then began taking off his sweater, a thinner one; it was getting hot out, and exchanged it for a light flannel. He only hesitated once this time while showing his bare chest, even with Cas there to see. He felt a small burst of pride at that.

 

“You have a very strong body, Dean.” Cas said seriously.

 

“Ah, the better to lift you with, my dear,” Dean replied in a mock old lady voice, then picked Cas up by the waist and spun him around effortlessly.

 

Cas laughed lightly. “Funny. But, really, you do. And a nice chest, too.” Cas ran his hands along Dean’s bare chest and collarbones before he had a chance to put another shirt on. It was like he pretended that Dean didn’t have any scars. Dean jumped when Cas tweaked his nipple.

 

“Hey! If you don’t stop that, I’m not gonna make it to work.” Dean threatened.

 

“What a shame that would be….” Cas teased.

 

Dean reluctantly pushed him away and put his shirt on.

 

“Do you think they’ll be okay here? Alone?” Dean asked, worried that something will happen to Sam and Jess while he’s gone. He knows that they’re responsible and he’s left them alone before, but he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if there was an accident and he wasn’t there to help.

 

“Sam just turned 14 and Jess has been 14 since January. Dean, they’re almost freshman in high school. I think they’re old enough to be home alone for a few hours.” Cas assured him. “Besides, what would they do? They’re too young to try to run away or rebel against you for being overprotective,” Cas’ sarcasm was almost comical, “they’re too old to get stuck in a closet or fall down the stairs or something. They’re too young for sex, too, so no worries. Just relax.”

 

That last part did _not_ make Dean relax.

 

“ _Sex_? _We’re_ too young for _sex_!” Dean exclaimed, wide eyed.

 

“That didn’t stop us before….” Cas looked confused.

 

“No, well, yes, but I mean like _sex_ sex. You know what I mean.”

 

Cas smiled. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Dean, that’s ridiculous, by the way. Sam is a respectable boy, and Jess is a good girl. They’re shy just holding hands. I’m guessing sex isn’t on their minds. Haven’t they only been going out for a month? That’s not very long. That should be the last thing you’re worried about.”

 

“That’s how long we’ve gone out for. A month.”

 

“Yeah. A month. That’s not very long.” Cas told him.

 

“But, you said they’d _only_ been going out for a month. So have we. And we had sex after two weeks.” Dean reminded him.

 

“Dean, we’re older. We’re almost seniors in high school. And, we’re different. They’re both young and relatively innocent. It’s okay.” Cas tried to comfort him.

 

“Okay, okay. Maybe. I have to go, are you sure you want to help them out with the dance?” Dean asked, just double checking.

 

“I want to. I swear. I should get to know Jess, and it would be a shame if she couldn’t go to her first dance with Sam. It’s fine. It’ll be fun, I promise. Now let’s go, don’t be late for work.” Cas was shoving him out of his bedroom door, following along. They walked downstairs together, leaving with a goodbye wave from Cas and an awkward half-hug between Sam and Dean, Dean telling him to be good.

 

Cas turned right, going back home, while Dean turned left, going to the garage.

 

Dean watched as Cas disappeared around the corner, slim, black clad body leaving his sight.

 

Dean began the short walk to work, humming the music to _Back_ _in_ _Black_.

 

He was doing good. Life was _good_. Not shitty. Not bad, not okay. _Good_.

 

Sure, in the past month he’d had to call Cas three times to talk him out of cutting, each time successful, and one day he felt so depressed and helpless that he didn’t even bother getting out of bed, but that was all part of the process.

 

He was getting better. Maybe he still didn’t see what was so special about himself, but apparently Cas did. And Cas was very determined to make Dean see it. Maybe someday he would. Maybe.

 

When Dean arrived at Singer’s Auto, the workday went by fast. He barely thought about what Sam and Jess were up to, _alone_. Thoughts of depression and anxiety almost never crossed his mind.

 

Instead, he thought about Cas helping Jess find a beautiful—yet appropriate—dress to wear to the dance, and helping her do her hair, put make up on—not that she needs it. Jess was a naturally gorgeous girl.

 

He’ll help her pick out jewelry, shoes nail polish, everything.

 

Dean’s mind wandered to the day of the dance. Sam would get ready with Dean’s minimal help in his room, upstairs, while Cas would dress Jess in the basement.

 

He’d zip up that perfect dress for her, then tell her she looks beautiful, because he does. Then, Dean would bring Sam down, dressed in his new fancy pants and shirt that Cas picked out, and wait for Jess to come up, dress flowing all around her.

 

Dean knows Sam would be all smiles all night because he was with _her_. It’s the way Dean never stops looking at Cas fondly when they’re together, because he’s with _him_.

 

Dean and Cas would drive them to school in the shiny Impala, then shoo them out of the car because they’d be too nervous to do it themselves.

 

Then, they’d go do something themselves, talk about how cute Sam and Jess looked, talk about each other. They wouldn’t come home until dark, tangled up in the other’s arms and legs in the backseat of the Impala the whole night, kissing and telling each other how amazing the other is.

 

_He couldn’t wait._

* * *

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* * *

 

Just by the way, if you haven't read [I'll Follow You into the Dark](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2235507/chapters/4904733)by bi_dean_is_my_dream, you're totally missing out. Her writing is totally amazing and I love her so much and you should all check out her fic. It's her birthday, today, too! When you read her fic, be sure to leave a happy birthday comment for her!

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this was just a filler chapter for the major angst fest that's coming next chapter. I'll post Thursday/Friday, depending on my basketball schedule. But yay! Sam and Jess are going to the dance! And Cas and Dean are helping them out. Ahh, young love. 
> 
> Don't forget to comment! Any questions about how i'm going to leave this story?


	29. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM/CUTTING/BLOOD
> 
> Make sure you can read this safely.

_**Friday, May 16** _

 

Dean had a bad day. He snapped at Cas when the dark haired boy tried to hold his hand, saying that he ‘wasn’t a fucking girl’, and that he could ‘walk down the street without holding his Mommy’s hand’.

 

He’d gotten a detention from too many tardies and he forgot to do his homework from the night before, so he got a 0 on it in a class he already wasn’t doing too well in.

 

His mom was going to be out at work all night _again_ and Sam was spending the night at Brady’s again. He felt alone and stupid but he didn’t want to talk to anybody. He missed Cas, though. He always does. Even when they’re together.

 

Dean wanted to apologize. He was just feeling _bad_ and didn’t want to see Cas. If he saw him, he’d want to touch Dean, and Dean didn’t want to be touched.

 

He layed down on his bed, curled in on himself, grabbed his phone, and texted him.

 

**D: Hey, I’m sorry.**

**C: About earlier?**

**D: Yeah. You were being good, I’m sorry.**

**C: It’s okay.**

**D: No, it’s not. I’m just having a bad day and you shouldn’t have to take that from me. It was uncalled for, I’m sorry, and I love holding your hand.**

Dean rubbed his hands over his face. It hurt how true that text was.

 

**C: Wanna come over?**

 

He really didn’t. Cas didn’t deserve to see him like this, teary eyed and on the edge of doing something really, really stupid.

 

**D: No. I just want to talk to you.**

Dean knew that sounded dumb and made no sense, but he _really_ didn’t want Cas to see him like that.

 

**C: I’ll call you?**

Again, no. Cas couldn’t hear his voice. Dean wouldn’t be able to stop it from cracking. He probably wouldn’t be able to speak at all. He didn’t want to try.

 

**D: No. Just text me. Please?**

He felt desperate for Cas.

He felt like he was sinking.

His chest hurt.

He started to cry when Cas texted him back.

 

**C: Are you okay?**

Dean thought about lying. Thought about saying, ‘Yeah, totally. False alarm. So what’s up?’. As if Cas would fall for that. And it would defeat the purpose of Dean _needing_ to _talk_ to Cas _right_ _now_.

 

**D: No. But I’ll be okay.**

 

The first part was true. He didn’t think the second part was. Dean wiped at his eyes when his phone buzzed again.

 

**C: Really?**

**D: I don’t know.**

Well that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. He didn’t know what he was doing, if he was going to graduate high school. His teachers were all ‘worried’ about him since his grades dropped from A+’s to C’s and D’s. He didn’t know if he would ever reply stop thinking of ways to hurt himself. He didn’t know what he wanted from Cas, what to do, how to feel. 

 

He just didn’t know.

 

There was only one thing that he knew for damn sure, those feelings weren’t ever going to go away one their own from sleep or rest. No. No, he needed to cut.

 

**C: What are you feeling right now?**

Hah. That was easy. Everything.

 

**D: Anger. Fear. Sadness. Confusion. Like I want to run away and I can’t. Guilty.**

**C: Why do you feel guilty?**

What a loaded question.

 

**D: If I wasn’t gay, my dad would be alive. He wouldn’t have hit my mom. I wouldn’t have to work just to be able to feed Sam.**

He knew it was a self-pitying thing to say, but he asked.

 

**C: If you weren’t gay, you wouldn’t be the person you are today.**

**D: And who’s that!? A dumb gay kid from a poor suburban home and school with a dead father, a worked to the bone mother, and no future?**

That’s what he was, right? Nobody could change that.

 

**C: Dean. You can’t say that.**

**D: Sorry if you’re just realizing it now.**

He really was, but Dean couldn’t even think about the fact that he was arguing with Cas _again_. He just really wanted the blade.

 

**C: No, I’m sorry. Sorry you don’t think you’re smart. Don’t think I haven’t seen the college applications and brochures stuffed in your mailbox because of your high standardized test scores. I know they aren’t from Sam.**

**D: So what? Not like I can afford college anyways.**

Dean knew he was being difficult. He just couldn’t find it in himself to care. He just really needed the blade.

 

**C: You can apply for scholarships. And we shouldn’t be talking about this right now. What’s on your mind? What do you want?**

Dean got up from his bed and walked to the other side of it. He felt under the mattress until his fingers touched the familiar coolness of his pocket knife. He pulled it out, then flipped out the blade. It was sharp. Dean walked out of his room and into the bathroom.

 

He could feel that his legs were shaking, but at the same time he couldn’t feel them at all. It was a miracle he was walking, really, he felt so numb. But he made it there, safely, ignoring the texts he got from Cas.

 

He didn’t care anymore.

 

Dean put his phone on the counter. 

 

Dean turned the shower water on, as hot as it could go, and started stripping. He forgot to close the bathroom door before he stepped under the flow, knife still in hand. 

 

The water burned, but then again, what didn’t? Who cared? Not Dean.

 

His phone went off again.

 

He ignored it.

 

Dean looked down at his hand. It was clenched tight around the knife, trembling with pressure. He raised his arm, pressed the sharpest edge to the outside of his forearm, and just rested it there. He didn’t press, didn’t slice, and just left it on his skin, feeling the coolness of the metal against the heat of the water.

 

Dean’s throat started to get tight and it was hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the small shower wall.

 

_Just do it, Dean. You’re going to break anyway. You’re never going to get rid of these feelings. Never. You might as well give in now. Do it. Cut. Watch the blood fall from your wrist, mixing in the water. That’s what you used to do. What’s one more time?_

A tear slipped out.

 

 _No! Cas would hate me. I’m better than this. I’m better than this and I want to_ live _. Cas wants me, and even if I don’t see it, I’m not going to make him unhappy by doing this. I love him._

Dean’s phone went off, but he didn’t hear it this time. Not over the sound of the running water and his breathy sobs.

 

_He’ll get over it. You’re forgetful.  Just do it._

His weak knees gave out. Dean sunk down to the shower floor, knife still pressed to his skin.

 

_I can’t start over. I can’t. I won’t be able to do it. I’ll get bad. Worse than before and I won’t be able to stop. Sam will hate me. Mom will hate me. Nothing will ever be okay._

Dean’s shoulders shook.

 

_Well, since I’m never going to be okay, I might as well embrace it._

He didn’t have anything to counter that with. Nothing came to mind. No arguments with himself. Like the fact that he was _never_ _really_ going to be okay was a definite. An infinitive. A constant. So he should give in, right?

 

Dean squeezed his eyes shut.

 

_Just a little more pressure…._

He felt the familiar sting of a knife cutting through his thick skin. Immediately, Dean felt his whole body decompress with release.

 

It felt good.

 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop, but he didn’t want to. Dean lifted the knife from the new crevice in his skin, then lowered it again, creating another parallel line. This time, deeper.

 

It felt good.

 

So he did it again. But this time he opened his eyes.

 

Blood trickling out of the cuts, getting washed away by the hot water pounding down. It stung.

 

And it felt good.

 

The water that fell down the drain was tinged pink from blood, and _oh_ , what a beautiful sight.

 

He wanted more. Dean pressed the knife back onto his skin, pulling it slowly across his arm. He missed that feeling. That sweet, sweet drag of pain and pleasure, _life_.

 

Dean cut again, this time longer and deeper.

 

It felt _good_.

 

It was satisfying in every way. Like finally being with an old friend after months of separation. You greet them with open arms and a warm smile.

 

Dean slumped against the shower wall. He stared at the knife in his hand. He was holding it so tight that it hurt.

 

But he barely felt any pain.

 

He stopped the silent tears.

 

He watched the bubbles of blood seep through the cuts and fall over the side of his arm.

 

He heard his phone go off this time.

 

Dean dropped the knife on the shower floor.

 

He pulled back the curtain enough to see his phone lighting up on the counter. He stood up and grabbed it with his clean hand.

 

**7 unread messages from Cas.**

Dean bit his lip. He didn’t hear his phone go off when he was in the shower distracted. He opened the messages.

 

**C: Dean?**

**C: What’s going on?**

**C: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Is everything okay?**

 

 

**C: Don't ignore me.**

 

 

**C: Why can't you trust me with these things?**

**C: Is something wrong?**

**C: I’m coming over.**

The last one made Dean’s heart stop. It was sent three minutes ago, which meant Cas was coming in two.

 

The cuts started to hurt as he came back down into reality.

 

 _Ohnohnohnohnohnohnohnohno_.

 

_He’s going to see that I cut. I relapsed. Cas is going to hate me. He’s going to break up with me. Oh no. Oh god no._

Dean ran a hand through his short wet hair. He rinsed his arm once more under the hot water. It stung more than it did the first time.

 

He shut the water off, feeling suddenly very cold.

 

“Dean? Where are you? The front door was unlocked.”

 

Dean froze. Cas was _here_. In his _house_. While Dean was standing in the shower, door left open, naked and bloody.

 

He didn’t dare respond.

 

Footsteps thudded up the stairs.

 

“Dean?” Cas called again.

 

“I-I’m in th-the shower-r.” Dean cringed at how much his voice broke.

 

“The water’s not running. What’s going on? I’m coming.”

 

The footsteps stopped. He was at the top of the stairs.

 

“Dean, baby, I’m sorry.” His voice was a mixture of sad and worried. Soft feet were going down the hallway.

 

Dean couldn’t move.

 

His arm started to pulse and throb. All the pleasure was gone, and he was left feeling empty, heartlessly sobered, and terrified.

 

Dean heard the scraping of Cas’ gentle nails on the wall, something he did when he was about to turn the corner. He looked down to where there was a puddle of watery blood on the shower floor, cuts open and leaking. Drops of blood flowed down his arm and across the back of his hand. It dripped down from his fingertips.

 

Dean’s arm started to hurt more, it was aching and burning and painful. He saw Cas’ messy black hair, wide blue eyes lined with thick, dark black, and Cas running the two steps it took to get to Dean from the doorway.

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

Cas didn’t say anything.

 

He watched numbly, arm twitching as Cas grabbed a clean white towel and wrapped it around Dean’s forearm.

 

He remembers it being painful. He remembers being lifted into Cas’ arms, being carried out into the cold air, steamy bathroom behind them. Remembers leaving the knife on the floor of the shower, the away his arm was pulsing. He could feel his heartbeat in it.

 

Dean definitely remembers how completely _ashamed_ he felt to have Cas look at him like that, naked, bare, bloody, disgusting. He remembered being layed down on his bed, a sudden warmth and pressure around his left arm, and Cas whispering to him, saying that it was going to be okay and that he wouldn’t leave, but Dean knew better. It wouldn’t ever be okay. He also knew that Cas was afraid to do anything else other than hold the towel hard against his cuts.

 

He doesn’t remember much after that. He might have been crying, maybe not. Maybe he was screaming at Cas to leave him alone, maybe not. He couldn’t remember. Dean passed out. Whether it was from emotional fatigue, pain, or just tiredness all around, he didn’t know.

 

He does know that he wakes up two hours later with a pair of lightning eyes watching him. It was impossible to miss that there were smudged streaks of black around Cas’ eyes and cheekbones.

 

_Had you been there with me the whole time? Had you been crying? Why? Crying for me? Or crying because you wished you never got into this mess? No, he would have left you all alone by now._

He turned onto his side, closing his eyes again.

 

“Dean! Dean, baby, how are you feeling? What do you need? Talk to me, Dean. Let me help you.” Cas’ voice was scratchy and uneven.

 

Dean felt sick. He always managed to make Cas sound like that. His actions resulted in Cas’ worried voice. How can you make someone you love sound so heart broken? It was all his fault. It always is.

 

He opened his eyes again. Cas ran his hands through Dean’s still-damp hair.

 

His arm was still hurting.

 

“Cas…. Cas, I’m sorry. I’m so, _so_ sorry.” Dean felt his eyes get hot, but he wasn’t going to cry. He _was_ sorry. For everything.

 

“No, no. _No_. You don’t _get_ to be sorry.” Cas took a breath, and Dean looked down at his body. His left forearm was bandaged, and a little of blood was seeping through it. He was still naked. But somehow that didn’t matter. He didn’t even notice. Cas didn’t look. He put his head back down on the pillow Cas moved his fingers from Dean’s hair to his cheek and neck. “You have to get help, Dean. You can’t keep saying you can do this on your own. It’s too hard. You need help, you need someone.”

 

Dean wasn’t stupid. He knew he needed help. They couldn’t afford any professional help. He could theoretically go to the school counselors, but they would undoubtedly tell his mom. Mary would certainly blame herself. Either that or she would just completely shut Dean out because he was such a disappointment.

 

He tried uselessly to play Cas’ insistence off, like he wasn’t just walked in on after he cut himself for the first time in months.

 

“I don’t need to talk to anybody. I have you. I have you, right? Cas? You can help me. You can keep me clean.” Dean meant for it to sound light, but by the end of his words, he sounded desperate and afraid. Cas shook his head through what Dean was saying. He felt dizzy.

 

Cas swallowed. “I’m not enough. I let you do this to yourself. I couldn’t stop you. I wasn’t there for you. You needed to just talk to me and I wouldn’t listen, I kept pushing. I’m not enough at all. You need more _deserve_ more.” Cas ducked his head, as if he were ashamed.

 

Dean’s vision was blurring a little. His heart was pulsing and he just felt so tired. He couldn’t stay awake.

 

“No. I love you.” Dean tried to keep his eyes open, waiting for Cas’ response, but he _couldn’t_.

 

Dean slipped into unconsciousness, leaving Cas lone after he was told he was loved by Dean. He just couldn’t stay awake, not even after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it. Only a few more chapters left. Oh god, I love you guys so much. 
> 
> None of you should feel like you have to cut, please get help if you do.
> 
> Anyways, any predictions for how Cas is going to react? Or what will happen when Dean wakes up? I'd love to hear them.


	30. Gabriel Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloodish warning and mentions of self harm

_**Friday, May 16** _

 

Cas watched as Dean’s eyes fluttered closed again. He didn’t even try to keep Dean awake anymore, he needed to sleep.

 

The raspy _I love you_ still rang heavy in his ears,

 

Dean didn’t love him.

 

He couldn’t love him. He was just overtired and confused. He’d had an emotionally exhausting day. Of course he didn’t _really_ love Cas. Right?

 

And that’s what hurt. High school love never worked. They were too young. It was unlikely that Dean would love him back, and that they could ever really  _be_ together forever.

 

Cas still knelt by Dean’s bed, but took his hand away from his face and grabbed onto Dean’s limp fingers.

 

He started to cry again. Cas couldn’t help it. Even asleep, lying in his bed, Dean looked so _depressed_. Dean looked tired. His forehead was creased in a permanent worry line at 17. He shouldn’t have anything to worry about. He’s a _boy_. He deals with way too much shit and it isn’t healthy.

 

Cas watched a small tear fall onto the sheets that Dean was laying on. Dean was going to get help.

 

Dean was going to destroy himself if he kept his way of dealing up.

 

After a few minutes of watching Dean sleep and trying to stop crying, Cas got up and went to the bathroom to clean himself up.

 

He wished he didn’t look into the mirror. His eyeliner was falling down his cheeks, his hair was a mess from running his hands through it constantly, and his eyes were red and puffy.

 

Cas sighed. He washed all of the black off his face, then tried and failed to smooth his hair back. It was useless, it always was.

 

He turned around in the bathroom, and gasped softly at what he saw, forgetting for just a fraction of a second what happened in there.

 

In the shower there were drops of blood on the curtain, and puddles of reddish water in the tub. A blood soaked towel was strewn across the tiles, and the knife that Dean used was lying on its side on the shower floor.

 

Cas looked away. He couldn’t let Dean see this, relive it all.

 

He quickly cleaned up the bathroom, rinsing the shower out and throwing the towel away, not bothering to try to get the stains out.

 

Cas didn’t know what to do with the knife. He couldn’t throw it away. He couldn’t give it back to Dean. He washed it off before closing the blade and tucking it away in his pocket for later.

 

Once Cas was sure that there wasn’t any blood left in the bathroom, he checked back in on Dean. He peeked around the corner of Dean’s bedroom. Dean was in the same position, mouth slightly open, and arms at his sides, one of them wrapped in a bandage, but he was still naked.

 

Cas walked into his room quietly, picked up a spare blanket, and draped it carefully over Dean’s body so he wouldn’t wake up alone and completely exposed.

 

He placed a soft kiss to Dean’s temple, then left him in the room. Cas left the door open, though, in case Dean had a nightmare or needed him when he woke up.

 

He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, but kept the light off. He checked the time on the wall. 1:17 AM. Would Dean wake up? Or sleep through the night? Cas decided that it was most likely Dean would wake up in an hour or so. Dean was a restless sleeper.

 

Well, when he woke up, he’d be hungry, right? He’d want to eat.

 

Cas turned the oven on, not even knowing what he was making. He checked the fridge and freezer for something to cook, but he could find almost nothing.

 

He settled on a box of frozen sausage pizza, and waited for the oven to be done preheating. Cas sat on the hard, wooden kitchen chair. He pulled his knees to his chest and waited in the dark, listening for anything. Once he thought he heard Dean move around, but it was just a door creaking from the wind coming through an open window.

 

It was quiet, Cas was alone, Dean was alone, and he didn’t know what to do.

 

 _Gabriel_.

 

Cas took out his phone and squinted at the bright screen in the dark. Once his eyes adjusted, he set a text to Gabriel, telling him sort of what was happening.

 

**C: Sorry I ran out, Dean had a rough night, I’m staying over, don’t worry.**

He held his phone in his hand, anticipating Gabriel’s reply.

 

Gabe texted back moments later, and the sudden alert sounded extremely loud to Cas’ silent-adjusted ears. He turned his phone down to vibrate.

 

**G: It’s fine, I’m not worried about you. Is something going on that I need/should know about with him and you?**

 

Cas paused. Was there? Gabriel and Dean had become sort of close over the weeks they’ve been together. Cas could trust him. He knew that Gabriel was his fun, annoying older brother, but he was 100% devoted to Cas, Cas’ life, and his own job. He knew that Gabe would take this seriously and really try to help Dean out, while still being very supportive.

 

Wound Dean forgive him for telling, though?

 

It was a chance he had to take.

 

**C: Dean relapsed.**

 

The short moments that it took Gabe to respond were agonizing.

 

**G: Relapse? In what way?**

 

 

**G: Doesn’t matter, I’m coming over anyways.**

**C: He self-harmed again.**

 

Cas didn’t know what to do when Gabe would show up.

 

The oven beeped.

 

It was time to put the pizza in.

 

As Cas slid the sausage pie into the oven and set the timer, his mind was blank yet his thoughts were chaotic at the same time.

 

Gabe was coming over. He would be able to talk to Dean once he woke up, maybe convince him into getting help. Maybe Gabriel could even find someone. He _did_ have a lot of connections.

 

Cas sighed.

 

He heard the front door creak open.

 

Cas peeked around the corner to make sure it really was Gabe and not Sam or Mary, before walking over to him and giving him a hug. He leaned into his older, yet shorter older brother as if it were their last hug.

 

“Where’s Dean?” Gabriel asked when Cas finally had the will power to pull away.

 

“Upstairs, asleep, for now.” Cas said. He looked down at his hands.

 

“Is he okay? Does he need to go to the hospital? Stitches?” Gabriel worried.

 

“No, no. I checked the cuts out after he passed out the first time. Not deep enough to need stitches. He’ll be physically okay.” Cas told him.

 

Gabe nodded. “Do you want me to get his mom from work? Sam? Where is he, anyways?” Gabriel craned his neck, as if he could see into Sam’s room.

 

Cas recalled earlier that Dean said he was going to a sleepover.

 

“At his friend’s for the night.” Cas turned and walked back into the kitchen, lights still off. The smell of cheese and cooking dough was thick in the air, the pizza almost done. Gabriel followed.

 

“Can you tell me what happened?”

 

Cas shook his head. He couldn’t relive it. He didn’t even know the whole story himself. “No.”

 

Gabe just nodded. He understood.

 

He watched as Cas took the pizza out of the oven and put it on the counter.

 

“Are _you_ okay?” Gabe asked.

 

Cas held his breath.

 

“I don’t know,” No, he wasn’t. “no. I’m _not_. I just watched the _love of my life_ tear himself apart. I watched him bleed and pass out, wake up, to pass out again. He told me he, that he, Dean said he  _loved_ me!” Cas cried, becoming hysterical. “And the worst part, is that I know he doesn’t! He _doesn’t_. And—“

 

“Hey!”

 

“he probably hates me right now and—“

 

“Cas!”

 

“I don’t know what to do anymore and—“

 

“Castiel!”

 

Cas stopped. Gabe almost never called him by his full name.

 

“You need to stop. Just sit down, okay? Dean isn’t himself right now. Maybe when he wakes up, he’ll know what to say. He’ll tell you how he’s feeling. Until then, you need to get your mind off of him. Off of this. Go to sleep. I’ll watch for Dean. Go downstairs or something and take a nap on the couch.” Gabe tried.

 

Cas knew he was right. But how could he leave Dean? He should be up there with him right now. But Dean didn’t want him, right? Cas sighed.

 

“I can’t. He’ll be up soon. I know it. I need to be there when he is.”

 

“Cas, I will come get you as soon as he wakes up. You need to sleep, okay? You need to relax. A lot has happened. Go. He’ll be fine.” Gabriel assured him.

 

Cas was silent, but nodded.

 

“I love him.” He whispered.

 

“I know, Cassie.”

 

Cas looked into Gabe’s deep golden eyes.

 

“Cut the pizza for him?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Cas nodded. He gave Gabriel a small smile and walked out of the kitchen. Cas glanced upstairs as if he could see into Dean’s bedroom and watch him. He kept walking, and went down the stairs to the basement.

 

Going down each step, one by one, Cas began to feel the exhaustion set in. He didn’t realize how tired he really was because he was giving all of his attention to Dean. But Dean needed it, right? If Cas ever needed him, Dean would be there.

 

Cas made his way to the couch and flopped over the back of it. He couldn’t help but smile. That couch was where they hung out the first time he came over there. The day that Dean asked him to take his shirt off so he could see his tattoos. It was also the place where they gave each other hand jobs. Dean's first. It was the first time they had sex. The first time that sex meant anything to Cas other than feeling good. It meant he could make someone else feel good, feel romantically connected with them, watch them come apart in his arms. Sex meant to much more to him with Dean.

 

God, it was amazing. It felt so good. Better than sleeping with any girl, or fucking any guy. It was just that it was with Dean. And it was Dean’s first time. And Dean was nervous, but then he wasn’t and he was comfortable with Cas and Cas made him feel good, too.

 

Cas couldn’t wait until the day that he and Dean were going to have penetrative sex. He’d go so slow with Dean, make him orgasm so many times that they’re covered in his hot cum, sweaty bodies writhing together.

 

Cas smiled again into the back of the couch. Before he even knew it was happening, he had fallen asleep and was woken up by Gabriel shaking his arm.

 

“Nghhhhh.” He moaned, trying to get back to sleep.

 

“Cas, get up. I heard Dean moving around.”

 

Well, that woke him up.

 

Cas bolted upright and pushed past Gabe, stumbling up the stairs because he got a head rush and lost his balance. He ran to the top floor of the house and busted through the door of Dean’s bedroom.

 

Dean was sitting up on his bed, rubbing his eyes with his hands. His chest was bare, and Cas remembered that he wasn’t wearing any clothes, he took them off before he got in the shower. Cas shivered.

 

Dean looked up when Cas came in.

 

Cas tried not to cry, but it was hard. He could see the dry blood on Dean’s right forearm, he needed to change the bandage. Cas took a few small steps closer to Dean.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Cas.”

 

“How—what—are you…. I mean… I—“ Cas had so much to say but his mouth just wouldn’t work.

 

“I’m sorry. For everything.” Dean said. His eyes were red.

 

Cas opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. All he could do was sit down next to Dean on the bed, wrap his arms around his chest and back, and hold their bodies together.

 

Dean seemed surprised. He held Cas back after a minute of hesitation. Cas let out a breath.

 

Dean stared crying. It was silent, and he kept his face buried in Cas’ chest, but his shoulders were shaking and his upper body was trembling. Cas squeezed him tighter.

 

“P-please don’t l-leave me. I p-promise I can-n get bet-ter. Please, C-Cas.” Dean sobbed into Cas’ body.

 

“I’m never going to leave you, Dean.” Cas promised. And it was true. Cas never would leave Dean. Even if he wanted to get away from Cas, never see him again, Cas would check up on him, make sure he’s okay. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

 

Dean shuddered against Cas. He picked his head up and looked at Cas. Cas looked back at him.

 

“How are you feeling, Dean?”

 

Dean tried to huff a dry laugh, but it was cut off by a wet sob.

 

“Talk to me, baby. I need to know. What are you thinking right now?” Cas asked.

 

Dean didn't know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought gabe was a good older brother. 
> 
> sooo anybody think they know what's happening next? i'd love to hear it. your predictions have all been so good!
> 
> much love <3


	31. Apologies and Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some aftermath.....

_**Saturday, May 17** _

 

What was Dean thinking?

 

_I regret everything, Cas. I’m so, so, so sorry and I swear I’m trying to get better. I know I should have listened to you and talked to someone but after last night I realized something._

_You’re always telling me how amazing I am and how you think I’m the greatest person alive. I always shrug it off._

_Last night, while I was cutting, I felt so alive. So real. But the first time I woke up? I felt like shit. I felt like I let you down. Let myself down. Let Sammy down, even though I’ve never even told him about this yet. And I did let us down. And him. And my mom. I did. And I thought about why I was doing it. And I thought about you. And I thought about how low I was feeling after that._

_Then I thought that maybe I don’t have to do this anymore. You make me feel alive enough. Kissing you and touching you and getting touched by you makes me feel alive. I feel alive right now, getting held by you._

_I know you hate me saying that you’re my reason to live. Well, you’re not anymore. Not all of it, at least. I have other things, too._

_Mom._

_Sammy._

_Me._

 

 

_Maybe I could get into college. Who knows._

_And, yeah, me. I’m my own reason to live. And I think that I can do this, get through everything. I think I can get better, feel better, happy. Not just happy when I’m with you, happy all the time. Happy when we fight. Happy when we kiss. Happy when we have sex, because it will be good, not scary._

_And I’ll be happy because I’m better. Because I don’t think about killing myself all the time. Because I don’t have nightmares. Because I love you. And you know I love you. Because I said it. And I know you didn’t say it back. Maybe you don’t love me right now. Maybe you’re not ready to say it. But I don’t care, because I+ think we are going to fall in love, and spend the rest of our lives together, not worrying of the other is okay or if they need to talk the other out of self-harm._

_You wouldn’t need to worry, because you knew that I was okay. And we will love each other so much._

Dean cleared his throat.

 

“I’m thinking that… that I want to get better, that I can get better, that I want you to know that I can get better, and that I want you to know that I don’t think I’m really worthless anymore. At least not like I used to think. Relapsing sort of put some things in perspective for me.” Dean confessed.

 

Cas looked genuinely thrilled. His eyes got wide and a nice, big, beautiful smile showed up on his thick pink lips. He surged forward and hugged Dean.

 

“You really think that? Dean, that’s amazing. I’m so proud of you right now. You aren’t worthless. You aren’t, and you never were. You’re the world to me.” Cas cried.

 

Dean smiled.

 

“You’re the world to me, too, Cas.”

 

It was sort of like an _I love you_.

 

Cas looked up from where he was clutching around Dean and smiled at him.

 

The big smile fell. Dean kissed Cas’ eyebrow, their first kiss since Dean relapsed. Did that count as a kiss? Maybe not.

 

“What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?” Dean worried. Cas was going through this, too, not just Dean.

 

“Gabe’s in the kitchen. Please don’t get mad at me, I told him what happened. He wants to help. He’s not going to tell anyone, I swear.”

 

Gabriel was an adult. Like a real live adult that knew what he was doing with his life. And he was famous. Sort of. So he had connections with people. What if he told someone?

 

Dean was being stupid. Cas literally just said that Gabe wouldn’t. And either way, Dean knew that Gabriel wouldn’t tell. He wouldn’t if Cas didn’t want him to. Even if Dean didn’t want him to. He really had been trying to get closer to Cas. They started going out to dinner together, sometimes with Dean and Sam, sometimes not. They talked more, Cas and Gabe were more aware of each other in the house. It was sweet.

 

Dean wasn’t mad at Cas. How could he be? He knew that Cas was just trying to help.

 

“No, baby. I’m not mad at you. I get why you called him over. I would have done the same thing. It’s okay. I should go talk to him, really.” Dean knew he’d better.

 

Cas shook his head, though.

 

“Later in the morning? It’s four AM right now. Maybe we should get to sleep?” Cas offered.

 

“Okay.” Dean nodded. He just realized that he not once was self conscious of his scars and the fact that he was ass naked in front of his boyfriend for half an hour while they were having that conversation. Cas really was amazing.

 

“Let me go tell Gabe that we’re going to bed. Can he crash somewhere? I don’t want him to go back home and worry.”

 

Dean nodded.

 

Cas carefully got off of Dean’s bed and squeezed his hand. “Be right back, baby.” He left the room.

 

* * *

 

 

Okay, yeah. That settles it. Dean didn’t mention _anything_ about saying _I love you_ to Cas, so either he doesn’t remember, or he’s trying not to mention it because he really doesn’t.

 

Cas hopes it’s the first one, but he really doesn’t think Dean would forget. That’s not something you forget.

 

But, they did call each other their worlds, right? That was a step in the right direction.

 

Cas walked down the stairs distracted, and when he looked up, he saw Gabriel munching on a slice of pizza, leaning back in his chair.

 

“Couldn’t wait?” He joked.

 

“You were up there for a while, kid. So how is he?” Gabe asked, tone turning serious.

 

“He’s okay. Better, actually. Still shaken up, but, who wouldn’t be? He realizes that he’s more than he thought he was. Dean thinks the relapse helped him put things into perspective. Maybe it did. And it sucks that he had to do that to see something in himself, but I’m just glad he did.” Cas told him.

 

Gabriel smiled.

 

“Dean’s starting to see that he really wants to get better for himself, too, not just so he can be good for me. And it’s really cool that I can be there for that.” Cas went on. “He’s awesome. And so brave. And he said I was his world.”

 

“It seems like he loves you.” Gabe put down his pizza and Cas sat down in the chair across from him at the Winchester’s kitchen table.

 

“I don’t know. He didn’t mention anything from when he said it earlier. Maybe he didn’t really say it. I could have heard it wrong.”

 

Gabe raised his eyebrow.

 

“Yeah, I know, that’s a load of crap.”

 

“I think you should tell him.” Gabe said.

 

“Tell him?” Cas asked. He knew what Gabriel was talking about, but he just wanted to make sure.

 

“Yeah, tell him. That you love him. Then you’ll know if he loves you back.” Gabe clarified.

 

“I sort of have the whole thing planned out, honestly. It’s in my head. And I know how I’m going to do it, I just don’t know how he’ll respond to it. But I love him so much.” Cas cleared his throat. “I actually have something to ask you, and I know it isn’t really the time, but I’ll probably forget soon enough. I promised Jess and Sam that I’d take them shopping for the dance, Sam needs a suit and—“ Cas was cut off by Gabe.

 

“Sam needs something? How much money? Here I’ll give you some now….” He leaned forward to reach into his back pocket immediately.

 

“Gabe! Not now. And… why the quick reaction?” Cas asked.

 

“It’s nothing. I just… I know how much it sucks to grow up in a household where you don’t really have anything. I’m lucky, I had you, and I ended up here, with more money than I can ever need. So I really want to help him out.” Gabe confessed.

 

Cas suddenly felt really guilty.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Cassie… don’t. Just don’t. Not right now.”

 

Cas nodded, feeling even more sorry.

 

“Well, anyway, his girlfriend Jess needs a dress, too. I was wondering if you could give me some money so that the Winchesters aren’t scrounging for the extra cash for Sam, and so that Jess can get the dress that she really wants for that dance. I don’t need a lot, just enough so that they can both look good and not spend too much money.” Cas hoped he wasn’t asking for too much. He knew that Gabriel had never turned him down when it came to money, but this was different. Sort of.

 

“Of course. Just tell me when and how much. Actually, I’ll just give you a couple hundred and whatever is extra spend on you and Dean. Get him something nice, do something together. And don’t tell me that you don’t want seem like you’re buying him, you’re way past that. No exceptions. And that night would be the perfect night to tell Dean that you love him. You’re gonna be alone, you can have the house to yourselves, I’ll make sure to be gone that night. So tell him.” Gabe pushed.

 

Cas sighed. Gabe was always right.

 

“I love him so much, and I’m nervous about doing it, so much that I sort of don’t want to. But I can’t _not_ tell him. I can’t wait much longer before it just slips out. I want _every inch_ of him, scars and all.” Cas didn’t realize he was daydreaming about Dean loving him back until Gabe cleared his throat.

 

“Look, Cas, this may not be the best time to talk about this, but I sort of feel like it’s now or never.” Gabe told him.

 

Cas was confused, but nodded for him to continue.

 

“Now, I know you’re not a virgin. You used to come home with so many people that I was thinking about banning you from going out. And if Dean’s uncomfortable with himself like you said, I’m guessing he’s never had sex before. It may take time before he’s really ready to show you his body, especially if he has scars that he usually hides.”

 

Cas knew where this was going.

 

“He’s a virgin, but we’ve done some things, just slow stuff so he gets comfortable with me. But I’ve seen him naked before. Sometimes we just lay down together, bare, and it’s nice. We don’t have to have sex. Dean’s more than that to me.”

 

“I know that. And I’m proud of you. I think you should get tested for STD’s before you do anything more with Dean. Just go to the free clinic. It’s not fair to him if he trusts you enough to have sex with you and you end up giving him an STD. It’s the right thing to do.” Gabe said.

 

He was right. He was so right. Cas felt like such a fucking idiot for not thinking about it before.

 

“Okay. I’ll go after school Monday or something. Thanks, Gabe.” Cas smiled at him.

 

“You’re a good kid, Cassie.”

 

“You’re a good brother. I’m going to go back upstairs, to sleep with him, but I want you to stay. If you don’t want to sleep on the couch, then that’s fine, but it would be nice if you could crash in the living room and be there to talk to Dean when he wakes up. Let him know you’re on his side.” Cas really wanted gab to stay.

 

“Yeah, I’ll stay. Now, get. Dean’s probably waiting.”

 

Cas nodded and got up to go back upstairs.

 

“Wait, Cassie.” Gabe’s voice stopped him. He turned at the bottom of the stairs.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know, Gabe.”

 

“And you can talk to me about anything, you know?” He added.

 

“Yeah, I know. And I love you, too. And really, thanks. For everything. For helping Jess and Sam out. And me and Dean. I really… really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

 

Gabe smiled, and Cas went back upstairs and into Dean’s room, where he was still sitting up, waiting on the bed.

 

* * *

 

 

While Cas was gone, Dean wondered if Cas had heard him say it. Say _I love you_ , before he passed out. He didn’t let on that he heard it. Maybe what Dean said was unintelligible, he _was_ really out of it. Maybe he didn’t actually say it. He could have dreamed that he did. But Dean knew better. He knew that he told Cas he loved him. Loves him. And Cas just didn’t say it back. Or maybe he did, and Dean didn’t hear it. But then why didn’t he say anything now?

 

Dean sat up straighter when Cas walked back in the room.

 

“Hey,” Dean said. “so you talked to him?”

 

“Yeah. He wants to talk a little in the morning. When you’re ready, though. He’s sleeping in the living room.” Cas told him.

 

Dean nodded. He gestured to the pillows, “Bed?”

 

“ _Yes._ ”

 

They took their time getting into the sheets, Cas undressing, very aware of the fact that Dean was watching him, but not caring. He knew that the knife that Dean used was still in his pocket from when he cleaned the bathroom, but what he would do with that could wait. Dean was more important. They were bare, and that’s how they liked it.

 

Once Dean and Cas had settled, bodies pressed up against each other, Dean couldn’t get something out of his head.

 

He and Cas _had_ had sex. Hand jobs on the couch, hand jobs that could have turned into blow jobs in the shower, and really fast hand jobs one morning right before school when they were both _really_ _horny_ and _really_   just needed to feel close to each other.

 

But that’s just it.

 

He doesn’t want any more hand jobs, he wants Cas.

 

Dean wants Cas to make love to him, touch him, hold him, _fuck_ him. He wants to experience his first time with Cas. He knows it would be special. But when would they get there?

 

Dean turned in Cas’ arms to face him, chests pressed together.

 

“Hey, baby?” He tried.

 

“Yeah? Something wrong?” Cas worried.

 

“No, no. Nothing. I just… I don’t know. Never mind.” Wow. Really great, Dean.

 

“Dean?”

 

“I want to have sex with you.”

 

“You want to _what_?” Cas asked, eyes searching Dean’s.

 

“I want to have sex with you.” Dean repeated, surprising himself by how calm and confident he felt.

 

“Dean….”

 

“What? Don’t you?” A little bit of panic swelled in Dean's chest.

 

“Of course I do. I think about it constantly. Now’s not the time. Not today. Not tonight.” Cas grabbed Dean’s upper arm.

 

“Maybe not now, but soon?” Dean knew that this was what he wanted.

 

“Dean, you’re tired. We’ve been through a lot in the last few hours. Maybe we should just go to sleep and talk about this more in the morning, okay?” Dean frowned.

 

“Cas, _please_. I just… I want to know that it’s going to happen. Soon. That we’re going to take that next step. And if you’re holding back because you think I’m not ready, then stop. Because I’m _so_ ready. Are you?” Dean prompted. He needed Cas to want him, want this.

 

“ _Yes_ , I’m ready. I just think we should talk about this first. Talk about tomorrow. Then we can decide what we’re going to do. I don’t want to rush into this, okay?” Cas began to stroke Dean’s arm slowly.

 

That made sense. Of course it did, Cas said it.

 

“Okay. Tomorrow.” Dean agreed.

 

“Okay.” Cas breathed.

 

Dean turned back around in Cas’ arms after giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

 

 _I love him,_ Dean thought.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _I love him,_ Cas thought.

 

* * *

 

 

They fell asleep, exhausted, in each other’s bare arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, guys! The next chapter will be up Wednesday probably. Maybe sooner. It's going to get interesting....
> 
> And now we're in the home stretch! Just a little more heartbreak, a little more love, a little more lust.... (hint, hint)
> 
> But, seriously, I love every single one of you that are reading this, it's incredible how many people are reading Saved By An Angel. All your love, kudos, and comments just really keep me going. 
> 
> Any questions? 
> 
> I love you all so much!


	32. Confessions, Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... here you go.   
> There are mentions of self harm in this chapter.

_**Saturday, May 17** _

 

Cas woke up well into the morning. Dean’s back was pressed against his chest and he was breathing lightly, still asleep. Cas heard rustling down in the kitchen, probably Gabe making breakfast or something. He wondered what time Sam had to get picked up from his sleepover.

 

He didn’t want to wake Dean, and he didn’t want to get out of their nice, warm bed, so he decided to just lay there until Dean woke up.

 

Cas noticed Dean becoming restless, squirming in his sleep. At first, it looked sweet, he was grabbing at the pillow and whispering, “Cas… oh _Cas_ ….”

 

Then he started twisting, turning, and his voice got louder, more frantic.

 

“Cas! Stop, no! Don’t do this to me! Don’t _do_ this to me! You can’t… you can’t…. Come back! Don’t leave! Cas! I _need_ you! _Cas_!” Dean screamed.

 

Cas realized he was having a _really_ bad nightmare.

 

Gabriel busted through the bedroom door.

 

“What’s going on in here!?” He half-yelled and half-cried, panting and making his way over to Dean and Cas. Cas would have laughed at his thirty-something older brother wearing boxers with lollipops on them and a batman T-shirt, but then was _not_ the time.

 

“Dean’s having a nightmare… I think it’s about me leaving him. I _need_ to wake him up, Gabe!” Cas told him, not knowing if he should touch Dean or let him be. It was killing him.

 

“Okay, okay. Grab his arms lightly,” Cas did what Gabe was telling him to do, trying so hard not to hurt Dean. “yeah just like that. Now touch his cheek. Slowly, try to calm him down.”

 

Cas stroked along Dean’s jaw and cheek, noticing how his frenzied cries turned into pained whimpers.

 

Cas put his forehead against Dean’s sweaty hairline, half on top of him in the sheets-- he was still naked in front of his brother-- and he needed to make Dean feel safe under him. 

 

“Dean. Shhhh, it’s okay. You need to wake up. I’m here, Dean. It’s me, Cas. I’m not going anywhere.” Cas soothed. Dean’s legs stopped kicking and his body sort of went limp.

 

Cas turned to Gabe, and mouthed _go_ , as much as he wanted him to stay, he knew Dean would want them to be alone.

 

Gabriel nodded slowly, going back downstairs and closing the door behind him.

 

Dean shuddered and opened his eyes slowly.

 

Cas let out a deep breath and leaned down to kiss him.

 

“ _Cas_.” Dean breathed.

 

“Dean. You had a nightmare….” Cas stated.

 

“Yeah, I did.”

 

Dean honestly looked on the verge of tears.

 

“Are you okay?” Cas asked, and really, it was just a courtesy. He knew Dean wasn’t okay.

 

“I don’t know.” Dean looked past Cas, at the wall, like looking at him would cause him pain.

 

That hurt. He tried to ignore what he felt, though.

 

“Dean? What was it about?” Cas asked, knowing the answer but wanting Dean to say it.

 

“Oh… it was… it was me and you… and we were… together, then we weren’t, and you were leaving me for a girl, and I couldn’t stop you and you wouldn’t come back for me even though you promised me you wouldn’t leave me and I—“

 

Cas cut Dean off with a soft kiss. “Well I’m here now, right? I’m not going to leave you, Dean. Nothing can take you away from me.”

 

Dean closed his eyes tight. “You say that now, but what if you meet someone new, someone better, someone… someone richer and better looking and taller and less boring and more exciting. Someone with good skin. Someone who can give you things. Maybe even a girl, like in my dream. I don’t know a single girl who wouldn’t go for you, Cas. There are a million reasons why you could leave me.”

 

Cas felt his chest get tight and it was harder to breathe. Did Dean really feel that way?

 

Cas sat up, prompting Dean to do the same.  

 

“Dean, baby, _listen_ to me. I’m not going to fall for anyone else. Not after you. Not after us. I fell so hard for you. No, I _am falling_ so hard for you. Nobody can compare. I don’t want anybody with more money, that’s not important. At all. I don’t want to be given anything, except you. But I have you, don’t I? Nobody gets me as happy as you do, Dean. And I’m never bored with you. Sometimes I’m bored, all the time, actually, when I'm not with you every thing seems so dull. You give me more reasons to be with you _every_ _day_. Every day, Dean. I don’t want a girl. I don’t want a boy. Nobody but you. I could never leave you. I need you too much. I need you like I need air. And even if I tried, if I searched everywhere to find someone better, I would fail. Nobody is better than you. You’re the best for me. You’re just… the best, period. And I…. I really… I like you, a lot, Dean.” Cas tried so hard to make Dean understand. Sometimes it felt impossible. But he mean every word. Except the end, he wanted to tell Dean that he loved him, but no.

 

He just really likes him.

 

Which isn’t entirely true.

 

He loves him to death, almost literally.

 

No, if Dean had killed himself, Cas would have kept loving him. He would have loved Dean until his life was over, maybe even after. Sure, the earth would have kept spinning, the sun would still shine, the moon would rise. But not to Cas. To him, the universe would be empty. Empty without any trace of what was left before Dean. Who could remember what he was like before?

 

Cas kissed Dean hard on the mouth.

 

“You’re good, Dean. So good.” Cas grabbed Dean’s side, pulling him close when Gabe knocked on the door.

 

“Guys? Can I come in?” He asked.

 

Dean’s eyes widened, then he grabbed all of the blankets and wrapped them tight around his neck, hiding his body. Cas sunk down next to him, his chest being the only thing exposed.

 

“Sure, Gabe.” Cas called through the door.

 

Dean’s bedroom door opened and Gabe peeked his head through. “Hey,” he said softly. “I made some breakfast, if you want to eat.” He pushed the door the rest of the way open and revealed two trays stacked with pancakes and eggs.

 

Cas noticed that Dean shifted closer to him under the comforter.

 

“Oh, thank you, Gabe.” Cas reached his arm out to take the trays, setting one in his lap and one on the bedside dresser.

 

Gabe put his hands behind his back, and you could sense his discomfort.

 

“So, how are you feeling, Dean-o?” Gabriel leaned back against the wall. Cas noticed that he was trying to lighten the mood.

 

A large hand clamped down on Cas’ thigh tightly.

 

“Um, good. Okay. Thanks for making us food, you didn’t have to, really.” Cas knew Dean didn’t know what else to say. He obviously still wasn’t comfortable with Gabe, or anyone else in general, knowing about him, yet.

 

“I know, kiddo.” Gabe gave Dean a soft smile, letting him know that he was there to help.

 

“ _Fuck_.”

 

“What?” Cas worried, confused as to why Dean swore.

 

“Sam’s at a sleepover. I have to pick him up.” Dean explained.

 

“I’ll get him, it’s fine. You stay here with Cas. What’s the address?” Gabe asked.

 

“Really? That would be really cool, Gabe.” Dean replied. Cas smiled at both of them.

 

“Really. In fact, I’ll take him somewhere so you guys can be alone. Talk some stuff out. I don’t mind, I should actually be spending some time with Sam, anyways.” Gabe pressed.

 

Dean nodded and wrote down Brady’s address where Gabriel should pick him up. “Thanks.”

 

All Gabe could do was smile and nod and send out a small wave to them before walking back out of the room.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean relaxed back into the mattress, freak out of forgetting Sam, yet again, has been avoided. Gabe really was the best older brother ever. He was even starting to be a goodish role model for Sam, when Dean can’t do that himself. Maybe he ate a little too much junk food and had a little too much fun, but it was all good. Sam really liked Gabe.

 

Cas handed Dean his breakfast tray, and _man_ , did Gabe go all out. There were pancakes stacked on top of each other, eggs on the side. There were fruits and sauces and sausages and toast and Dean doesn’t even remember owning half of this stuff.

 

Did Gabe go out and buy some of it? _God_ , he really cared.

 

“Cas….” Dean started. He didn’t know where he was going with that. He just felt like he needed to say something. Cas wouldn’t let him apologize even though he _was_ sorry. Dean didn’t mean for Cas to walk in on him like that, to see him at his worst. He wasn’t supposed to know. But, of course he would have found out. And it might have been worse, then, because Dean didn’t tell him.

 

How do you tell someone something like that?

 

And there’s also the fact that Dean told Cas that he wanted to have sex with him last night. And Cas sort of rejected him. He knew Cas didn’t mean it like that but it still hurt a little.

 

“Dean?” Cas looked at him through his glass of milk.

 

He didn’t know what to say. There were so many voices in his head, he didn’t know which one to listen to. So, for once, Dean shut everything out.

 

He ignored the loud voices in his head that constantly screamed at him, telling him that Cas was going to leave him. He knew Cas wasn’t going to, he said so himself.

 

Dean ignored the voices telling him that Sam would disown him from brotherhood because he was so psychologically distressed. He _knew_ that Sam loved him, would always love him, no matter what.

 

He ignored the voices in his head that said he was ugly, worthless. Sometimes he feels that way. Everyone does. But Cas doesn’t think so. Cas likes his ordinary hair and plain green eyes, his too big lips and visible freckles. And Cas is what matters to him.

 

He stopped listening to the one voice inside of his head that kept reminding him of all the times he got rejected by someone, his old friends, his brother, himself.

 

Dean forgot, for just a second, the voice that tells him to cut. To ruin himself. That voice was a constant. He couldn’t stand the sound of it… last night it just got too loud to try to ignore. But now, it was somehow quieter.

 

Dean only heard one voice then, loud and clear. The voice he was always trying to shove down, ever since he met Cas. The voice he was afraid of, because it could break everything he’s ever worked for.

 

That voice was suddenly all that mattered.

 

“I love you, Cas.”

 

Cas choked on his milk, coughing and clutching his chest.

 

Dean immediately felt like he was going to throw up.

 

Cas caught his breath, shoulders heaving. He put the glass down on the side table, and wiped the milk off of his face.

 

“ _You_ _what_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo what did you think? Yeah there's a little cliff hanger... but I swear it's worth the wait. 
> 
> I'm so shocked that I even got a chapter up, I've been stuck at my basketball games and practices until like 10 o' clock some nights, i barely have any time to write. But, here it is! 
> 
> And I only have a few chapters left :(
> 
> But I think I picked a good ending. I THINK. I hope.
> 
> And btw guys the coolest chick ever just posted a boarding school destiel fic. It's called Morning Will Come and it's by bi_dean_is_my_dream. You should totally check it out if you haven't read it yet.
> 
> Much love <3


	33. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, merry christmas

**_Saturday, May 17_ **

 

“ _You_ _what_?”

 

Dean couldn’t breathe. He just told Cas that he loved him which successfully ended in Cas choking on _liquid_ and staring disbelievingly at Dean.

 

In twenty four hours, he had said _I love you_ to Cas twice without thinking, and the first time he thought the whole thing had just been forgotten. Cas didn’t mention it, Dean didn’t say anything, so he thought it was over. It was a mistake, anyways.

 

Not that he didn’t love Cas, he did, he really, _really_ did, but Cas didn’t have to know.

 

But the second time? That wasn’t him being upset and frustrated and tired and hurting. He was clear-minded. He hadn’t thought before he said it, but he knew that this time it mattered. This time he could see Cas’ response. And so far it hasn’t been a good one.

 

He literally fucking choked. On _milk_.

 

Dean was starting to feel a little queasy.

 

“I… I love you.” Dean repeated. The second (or third) time felt better, he was more confident, and he knew that there was no going back.

 

Of course he was still scared, he just confessed the fact that he was in love _with_ Cas, _to_ Cas, and he hasn’t said anything.

 

Cas just stared at him. A drop of milk spilled down his chin and splashed on his bare chest. He didn’t wipe it away.

 

Dean ran a hand through his short hair, then flopped back on the bed to face the ceiling. He let out a long breath. This really wasn’t how he imagined he would tell Cas that he was in love with him.

 

Cas was absolutely still, propped up on his elbow and facing Dean.

 

“Say something?” Cas’ silence was starting to get _really_ worrying.

 

“I… I—oh. I— _oh_. Dean….” Cas started. His mouth hung open, forming words that didn’t come out.

 

Dean closed his eyes tight, silently scolding himself for thinking that this would work.

 

He opened his mouth again to say something, tell Cas that it’s okay that he didn’t love him back, that he wasn’t expecting much, even though it sort of wasn’t okay, and even though he thought Cas loved him back, and that maybe he should just go back to his house and forget about Dean, when Cas cut him off.

 

“Dean I’m so happy that you’ve told me that and maybe this isn’t how I pictured this moment but you said it and before when you told me last night when you fell asleep I didn’t know if you meant it but you do and I can’t even begin to say how this makes me feel I love you so much, Dean, I do and I never said it before because I wouldn’t have thought you would ever love me back and I’ve never loved anyone before but I know I love you because seeing you makes my chest go tight and you just take my _breath_ away all the time and last week I almost said it but I just got so scared of rejection which was so dumb I should have said how I felt and I really do love you and I want to do things with you and make you feel good and you’re just the most amazing person and I love you, too.”

 

By the end of his rant, Cas’ face was red and he was breathing hard.

 

Dean was speechless.

 

Cas loves him back? Cas _loves_ him _back_? _Cas_ loves  _him_ back? _Cas loves him back_?!

 

_oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god what do I do now I didn’t think this far ahead oh god he loves me and I love him and we’re aware of this and oh GOD why does Cas have to be so perfect and oh no why are his eyes all wet no baby don’t cry I love you stop Cas no_

 

“Cas, baby, don’t cry. Don’t cry, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Dean tried to soothe him. He didn’t know what to do.

 

“Shut up and kiss me, Dean.”

 

Who was Dean to say no?

 

Dean moved to prop himself back up on his shoulder, but Cas had other ideas. He rolled over on top of Dean and pressed their lips together sloppily, still underneath the thick blankets on Dean’s bed. Cas put his knees on either side of Dean’s hips, their chests together, skin on skin contact heavenly. Dean groaned.

 

Cas ran his long, slender fingers through Dean’s hair. He spoke between wet kisses, “I can’t even say… how I feel right now… words don’t even… cover it… Dean… I just… love you so much… and… oh god you’re perfect….”

 

Dean wrapped his thick arms all the way around Cas’ body, hugging them together. Every word that Cas spoke drove him wild.

 

He pressed their sleepy bodies together even tighter, desperate for Cas’ touch. The memories of the night before were still stuck in his mind, but _right now_ was more important. He was getting kissed by Cas, and he felt loved. And maybe that had something to do with the fact that Cas just told him he loved him back, but it was more to do with his actions.

 

Cas was kissing Dean breathless, holding him tight. It was loving. And Dean couldn’t get enough. He was finally getting that he could _be_ loved, he could _feel_ loved, and he could do that all while not being guilt ridden because he didn’t deserve it. That was how he usually felt.

 

When Cas came to him in the bathroom the night before, Dean was at the lowest he’d been in a year. But then, later that night, or early in the morning, it was the greatest he’d felt in his _life_. He’d realized, that while he was self-harming he felt alive, real, good, even, and that afterwards he felt worse, worried about what Cas would think, worried about what he was even _doing_.

 

But then, it didn’t matter what Cas thought. It mattered about other things, sure, but not that. What mattered was what Dean thought about it. And he thought that he was better than feeling that way. That he didn’t deserve to be sad and depressed every day of his life. He didn’t want to do that anymore. He was sick of it.

 

The feelings he was having with Cas, in bed together, in love with each other, naked, were feelings that he should have normally. Feelings of love and adoration. Feelings of safety and joy and pure awe at the person next to you. They were good feelings.

 

Dean knew he needed to do something about his depression and self-deprecating thoughts. He could see someone, he could just work slowly with Cas every day, talking things out, telling him what he was feeling, instead of keeping it in until he felt like he was going to explode.

 

Dean ran his hands along Cas’ back, feeling smooth skin, knowing that that was where Cas’ dark black wing tattoo was. He remembered the feathers on his waist, from when his parents died. Dean thought about the day that Cas showed him his tattoos, the first day they saw each other outside of school. And now, instead of dreading it, Dean looked forward to that class, and he looked forward to lunch. He used to dread that free period because he didn’t have anyone to talk to. But now he has Cas.

 

His left hand came back a little, just enough to thumb over the harsh lines of the black dream catcher on Cas’ right hip. It was a reminder that Cas had problems, too. His parents were dead, he used to have nightmares about them.

 

Dean finally took Cas’ left forearm, and tightened his fingers around the print. What did it say again? Something about angels. He didn’t spend enough time appreciating Cas’ beautiful body, but that needed to change.

 

He was still underneath Cas, lips crushing breathlessly against his, warm legs intertwined and hips grinding together. Dean grabbed Cas’ lower back with his left hand, the one that wasn’t holding onto his wrist, and spread his legs a little, knees bent on the bed, so that Cas was forced to lay down flat on top of Dean, legs straight out.

 

“ _Dean_ … I love you.” Cas broke their kissing just to tell Dean that.

 

“I know. And I love you, too. A lot. And…” Dean licked his lips, thinking about what he was going to say. “… and I want to get better, so I can live my life with you. So Sammy can have more fun with me. So I can help my mom more. So I can be happy. And I don’t know if I want to talk to anyone. I don’t really feel… comfortable with that. So I’ve been wondering if you would be okay with talking to me more? Like when something is nagging at me, or I feel like something is wrong, with me, or us, or anything, I can just tell you? You don’t have to say anything. I just think being able to say what I’m thinking will make me feel better, instead of leaving it all inside and not talking and just waiting until I relapse again. Because I don’t want to relapse again. If you’re okay with that, then I really want to try it. But, if not, then I guess I can talk to someone.”

 

Cas looked at Dean silently for a long time before answering.

 

“If you think that’s the best thing for you, then count me in.” Cas offered.

 

“Really?” Dean asked. He was almost sure that as would want him to talk to a professional, like he was earlier.

 

“Really. I’m happy that you’re realizing that you’re worth it, being saved. And that you’re not doing this for me. It’s incredible, how far you’ve come. I’m proud of you.” Cas whispered to him.

 

Dean couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his lips.

 

Cas was proud of him, and he meant it. Dean leaned up to press his lips against Cas’ another time.

 

“Wait. I just want you to think about one more thing, while we’re talking about this. I want you to just _think_ about it, I’m not going to make you do it.” Cas told him.

 

Dean gripped Cas’ inked skin tighter.

 

“What is it? I promise I’ll think it over, whatever it is.” Dean swore.

 

“I want you to tell Sam, about all of this. I just think he’s be really helpful and supportive at home when I can’t be there. I know we’ve talked about this and you don’t want to do it, but maybe you’ve changed your mind about that. He’s understanding, Dean. He won’t judge you.” Cas said. By the tone of his voice, Dean could tell that Cas really wanted Dean to do that. But maybe he wasn’t ready just yet.

 

“Like, now?” Dean asked.

 

“No, not now, but soon? I think it would be really helpful.” Cas encouraged.

 

Dean nodded his head. Maybe he should tell Sam. They were brothers, they meant the world to each other. They were… Winchesters.

 

“Yeah, maybe. Okay. I’ll try.” Dean promised. He really would.

 

Cas smiled wide and dipped his head down to capture Dean’s lips in a long, slow kiss. Those were the best.

 

“God, I love you, Cas.” Dean breathed. He was still so overwhelmed with everything that had happened in the last day and it was a relief when he could just say that he loves Cas, he doesn’t have to hide it anymore.

 

“I love you. I love you, Dean. I just… love you. And there’s one more thing I want to talk to you about, but I think you’ll be interested? Well, at least you were before.” Cas’ voice went from adoring to nervous.

 

“Okay?” Dean wondered what it could be. They talked about pretty much everything that’d happened the night before, except—

 

“Last night, before we went to sleep, you told me you wanted to have sex with me.”

 

Right. Dean closed his eyes.

 

“Yeah, I did.” What else was he supposed to say? He can’t deny it, because it’s the truth, and what’s one more sort of embarrassing confession, anyways?

 

Cas put his fingers under Dean’s chin, tilting his jaw up slightly. He leaned in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

 

“Hey, Dean, baby,” Cas tried to get his attention. “look at me.” Dean opened his eyes again to see Cas smiling down at him.

 

“Did you mean it?” Cas asked.

 

“Yes. _Yes_ , I meant it…. Do _you_ want to… you know?” He added hesitantly.

 

“ _Yes_ , I want to. I want to do that with you, be with you. Alone. And I want to be your first time and I want it to be a new memory, a _good_ memory for sex. I want you to want it, too. And I think we should wait. Just a little longer, until the right time.” Cas confessed to Dean. His voice was soft and comforting, the feeling of his warm breath on Dean’s skin was amazing, but why wait any longer? Now that Dean knew Cas wanted him back, he didn’t feel like he could wait another second.

 

“You want to wait? Why?” Dean asked.

 

Cas ran his fingers lightly down Dean’s scarred chest and back up.

 

“I want you to have time to adjust to yourself right now. We just went through something serious and both of us should take some time to talk about things, figure it out. Okay?” Cas told him.

 

Dean nodded. Maybe he was right. He leaned up for another kiss, chaste and soft.

 

“Okay.” Dean agreed.

 

“Besides… that will give me some time to get us a few days alone. Just two weeks. School is almost out, finals are this week, and then it’s just gonna be us. All alone… all day… with nothing do to….” Cas trailed off, drawing circles on Dean’s abdomen with his pointer finger.

 

“Yeah, _yeah_ , Cas, I can’t wait.” Dean said honestly.

 

Cas smiled wide.

 

“Wait… did you say a few _days_?” Dean asked, eyes wide.

 

“Yes, Dean. I want this to last. Our first time, I want it to take _hours_ , I want to make you come so many times you can’t stay awake. I want to just take you apart and hold you in my arms and kiss you breathless. We wouldn’t have to muffle our screams because nobody would be around to hear them. Just you and me. I want to make you feel so good you’ll be begging for more, and I would give it to you. Give it all to you. So, yes, a few days alone.” Cas ended his positively sinful answer so matter of factly that it was ridiculous. He just made Dean want to jump him and acted like it was nothing.

 

“Jesus, Cas.” Dean breathed.

 

Cas just laughed and rolled off of him.

 

“I love you, Dean Winchester. I love you.” Dean knew he was never going to get tired of hearing that. he leaned sideways to give Cas another barely there brush of the lips.

 

“I know. I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! they love each other!
> 
> and there were mentions of smut....
> 
> for the later chapters, at least
> 
> and i cant wait for Sam and Jess' dance... they're gonna be so little and in love and awwww
> 
> so, what did you think? i sort of wasnt really feeling this chapter, but i hoe you guys like it. 
> 
> tell me what you think? 
> 
> love love love! and happy holidays! <3


	34. Mother Knows Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MARY

_** Saturday, May 17 ** _

__

Dean and Cas finished what was left of their now lukewarm breakfast and put the trays back on the side tables to Dean’s bed.

 

They lay on their sides, facing each other, exchanging light kisses and soft murmurs about how much they were grateful for each other and how Dean knew Cas and he were going to make it through all of this.

 

They both froze when they heard someone rummaging around downstairs, probably in the kitchen.

 

“Dean? You awake up there, honey?”

 

“Crap that’s my mom!” Dean whisper-yelled. He scrambled out of Cas’ arms, throwing blankets everywhere and onto his boyfriend.

 

Cas peeked out from under the pile of sheets. “What do I do?” He asked.

 

Dean was fidgeting from foot to foot, looking all around the room for _something_.

 

“Yeah, mom, I’m awake! I’ll come down in a second!” Dean called back.

 

He rushed over to his dresser and started pulling things out of drawers, throwing underwear and socks and pants and random articles of clothing at Cas.

 

“Get dressed, Cas! My mom can’t see me, or _us_ , like this.” Dean frantically pulled on a pair of sweatpants that felt oddly too tight on his hips over fresh underwear, and a long sleeve t-shirt that covered his scars. He turned around, ignoring the mess of pants and shirts on the floor to see Cas stumbling into boxers and what he thinks is his old basketball shorts from the seventh grade, and a red crewneck.

 

He would have laughed at how ridiculous Cas looked, but he was too busy freaking out about his mom accidentally walking in on him naked with a boy she’s never met.

 

Dean ran over to Cas, grabbed him by the hand, pulled him through the bedroom door and to the top of the stairs. He gave Cas one last short kiss and tugged him down the stairs by the hand to where Mary was in the kitchen.

 

She’d been working extra hours, barely getting any sleep, and Dean hated to admit that it really did show. Her eyes were tired, wrinkles looking deeper than he remembered, and her hair was a mess, long blonde locks tied lazily in a messy ponytail. Mary looked like she needed a hot meal and a long, _long_ nap.

 

“Dean! Hi, honey, I’m off work for a day and—“ She stopped short, looking Cas up and down, her eyes stuck to where their hands were clasped together.

 

Dean glanced over at Cas, he looked nervous. He squeezed the boy’s hand tighter reassuringly.

 

Then Mary started giggling.

 

“Dean, are you wearing your little brother’s sweatpants?” She asked, holding a hand to her mouth. Her laughter made her look ten years younger. It was beautiful.

 

Dean looked down at his legs, and sure enough, he was wearing Sam’s sweatpants. _That’s_ why they felt too tight. _Oh_. Dean smiled.

 

“And, uh, Dean? Who is this?” Mary asked, gesturing to Cas and the warm smile still lingering in her eyes.

 

“Huh? Oh, uh, this… this is Cas. He’s my… boyfriend.” Dean told her. He felt guilty for not saying anything before, but he didn’t really ever have a chance.

 

“And... he’s wearing your clothes. Dean, can I see you in the living room?”

 

Dean’s light, airy mood was wiped away. Does his mother not approve of Cas? Is it his jewelry? Tattoos? Sure, he’s sort of punk, but he’s the sweetest person Dean had ever met. He was considerate, helpful, he always put people first. Cas was simply amazing.

 

But what could he do? He nodded at her, ducking his head like a child that got caught sneaking candy from the kitchen. Dean gave Cas a soft kiss on the cheek before letting go of his hand and following his mother into the living room.

 

Once they were supposedly out of earshot of Cas, Mary started talking to Dean.

 

“You let him sleep over? When I wasn’t home? And you know what that looks like right now, don’t you? His shirt is inside out and you put on Sam’s pants on accident. He slept over, and you guys weren’t wearing clothes until I called your name to come downstairs. I... I don’t know how I feel about this, Dean.” Mary crossed her arms and shook her head at him.

 

“But mom, it’s not like that! I swear Cas is… Cas is different… he’s… _special_ and… we were just sleeping! I swear, nothing happened, and we would be smart about it if it did. We’ve been together for a month.... Longer, actually. You can trust us.” Dean told her. And that was the truth.

 

Her look _did_ soften up a bit, but she was still staring Dean down.

 

“Why haven’t you told me about him?” Mary asked.

 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know I should have. I just… didn’t really find the right time to, and it was just… I don’t know, Mom. But I do know that I want us to go back in there, and I want you to say hi, and I want you to give him a chance. He’s a good boyfriend, Mom. Cas is great, actually.” Dean really wanted his mom to like Cas. Sam already did, so there’s only one person left who’s opinion matters.

 

“Wait, his name is Cas? As in, the Cas that you asked me if he could come over while I was at work a long time ago? That Cas?” Mary undid her floppy ponytail, shook her hair out, and put it back in tighter.

 

“Yeah, that Cas. Turns out, he liked me too, and here we are now. Mom, I love him. He loves me, too. I want you to like him, get along with him. It would mean a lot to me.” Dean couldn’t imagine living in a world where his mother didn’t want him to be with Cas. He was literally Dean’s lifeline.

 

“Does he make you happy?” Mary asked.

 

“Yes, _yes_ he makes me happy.” Dean said, thinking about Cas waiting in the other room.

 

“I guess I can’t be too mad at you, then. I’m glad he’s good for you. But, Dean, this is your first relationship… I don’t want you getting your hopes up, okay?” Mary warned.

 

Dean smiled. He leaned in to give her a hug. “Thanks, Mom. Let’s go back?” Dean suggested.

 

She nodded, pulling away to give him a kiss on the cheek.

 

“I love you, Dean. And I want to get along with Castiel, _even though_ he’s taking my oldest boy away from me, because you like— _love_ him so much. So, yeah, let’s go back.” Mary smiled at Dean.

 

“I love you, too, Mom.” Dean declared, already starting to walk back into the kitchen. Cas was still standing there, waiting, but he was biting his nails and tapping his heel on the hardwood floors when they returned.

 

When Mary walked back in the room, Cas stood up straighter, lowering his fingers from his mouth. He extended a hand --the one that wasn't in his mouth-- to her and formally introduced himself.

 

“Hello, Mrs. Winchester, my name is Castiel Novak. I am very pleased to meet you, as Dean has told me how wonderful you are. I can assure you that Dean and I are happy and making safe choices. You have nothing to worry about here.” Cas gave her a warm smile and Mary turned her head towards Dean, lifting her eyebrow slightly as if to say _hmmm, okay I see what you’re saying, Dean_.

 

“Nice to finally meet my son’s boyfriend that he’s been hiding from me for over a month. It’s good to meet you, too, Cas. And, you can call me Mary, if you’d like.” Dean was satisfied with his mother’s level of politeness. Sometimes when she doesn’t get a good first impression of someone, she can completely give them all the attitude in the world, but he saw that she made an exception for Cas.

 

Dean walked back to Cas’ side and took his hand again.

 

“Hey, Dean? Where’s Sam?” Mary asked.

 

“Mom, Sam’s sleepover with Brady was over about an hour ago, but Cas’ older and _very responsible_ brother, Gabriel, took him out to do something fun, like bowling or shopping or something like that. They probably won’t be out for long.” Dean told Mary, hoping to god that she wasn’t mad that he let his younger brother go out alone with an older man who Mary didn’t know.

 

She just nodded her head and said, “Okay, it’s good for that boy to have fun. Sometimes I think he spends too much time reading and doing homework. I’ll see him when he gets back. Do you guys want something to eat?”

 

Dean was full from the colossal meal Gabriel made them and also didn’t want his mom to have to worry about feeding two more people. She needed to relax, shower, watch some trashy TV, and forget about work for just a few hours.

 

Cas politely declined, saying that they had a big breakfast and didn’t need anything. Dean smiled at him, a warm feeling in his chest at the fact that Cas was thinking the same thing as him.

 

“Hey, Mom?” Dean began. “Why don’t you lay down? You look tired from working so hard. We can clean up the kitchen. It’ll be fine. Just go take some time for yourself.”

 

Mary looked like she wanted to argue, but thought better than that and just gave Dean another kiss and a wave to Cas before going upstairs.

 

Before Dean could register what she could do up there, Cas was hugging him and telling him that he cleaned the bathroom, there wasn’t any more blood from the night before so he had nothing to worry about. Dean smiled, getting a sense of comfort over Cas knowing what he was going to worry about and the fact that he took care of it himself.

 

God, did he love Cas.

 

“Did you know that I love you?” Dean asked.

 

“I did, actually, yes. Did you know that I love you?” Cas repeated, playing along.

 

“Yes, and I think we should clean the little kitchen mess from Gabe’s breakfast and for some reason a pizza so then we can sit on the couch and I can tell you how much I love you?” Dean suggested.

 

Cas blushed. “Oh, the pizza was from me. After I… found you last night… I couldn’t stop thinking about how you were going to wake up and be mad at me for not doing anything for you. I sort of went crazy over it. And I know that I was being ridiculous, but my behavior made sense at the time. So, I made a pizza. Then Gabriel showed up and made me lay down, and he took it out of the oven and cut it up. I guess he ate half of it, too.” Cas confessed. “But yeah, your plan sounds really amazing right now.”

 

Dean smiled, not being able to help the fact that he was hopelessly in love and Cas loved him too, at least a little bit. And now they were going to clean up the kitchen and then cuddle on the couch. Dean was so thankful for everything.

 

They cleaned up the kitchen quickly, as expected, pausing only for short kisses and laughs about the fact that Cas’ shirt was inside out and Dean was still wearing Sam’s sweatpants. After the room was nice and tidy, they ran upstairs to change into clothes that were a little less small and uncomfortable.

 

Dean put on his own sweatpants and kept his long sleeve on, while Cas kept the shorts on but put on a tank top that got unearthed from the very bottom of Dean’s drawers. He didn’t wear it often, given the fact that he hated his skin.

 

When they were up there, Dean was glad to hear the bath running water. His mom really did need to relax.

 

They skipped down the stairs, laughing about nothing, really, and flopped down on the couch. Dean and Cas leaned against each other in the middle cushion, hands on the other’s thighs and heads resting against one another.

 

Dean spoke first.

 

“Look, Cas, I know we have to talk more about last night, but I just want to spend the day to be with you and think about things. We can talk about them later, yeah?” Dean suggested. He just needed some time to sort things out in his mind before saying anything to Cas about it.

 

“Of course, Dean. Take your time.” Cas squeezed his thigh lightly, letting him know that it was okay.

 

“Thanks.” Dean said. He didn’t know what else to say. So he just said what he was thinking without thinking about it. “I love you. And you know that. And we said it. And you said it back. And I just love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life telling you that I love you and right now it doesn’t really matter that forever isn’t real, because I want you for forever.” Dean kissed Cas’ jaw.

 

Cas turned his head, looking Dean in the eye.

 

_Crap. Should I not have said that? Oh my god he probably thinks that I think that we’re going to get married and stuff soon. But, wait, won’t we?_

“I love you, Dean. I love you and I want you for forever, too. And I want you to want me for forever. I love that you do. And I love you for all that you are. For all that you’ve been. For all that you’ll be. Because I believe in you. And I know you’re going to be okay.” Cas stroked a hand through Dean’s short hair, and kept their eyes locked. It was sort of intimidating but it also made Dean realize that Cas actually meant everything that he was saying.

 

“Cas, I want you to know that I trust you, fully and completely, and I will do anything to please you, keep you happy, and I promise to help you study one last time before your math final.” Dean was serious about that study thing, Cas really needed his assistance.

 

“Thank you, Dean. I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there you have it.   
> what did you think? i never know how to write mary. but from what little we know of her, i thought i was sort of in character????  
> happy new year, lovelies!


	35. Dances and Dresses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like btw i thought this chapter was pretty cute ok just warning you guys

**_ Tuesday, May 20 _ **

 

“Gabriel, I still can’t thank you enough for getting Sam those clothes. It means a lot.” Dean told him.

 

On Saturday, while Gabe and Sam went out for some ‘fun’, Gabriel bought him the dress pants and shirt and tie he needed for the dance. He had no idea what a load that was off of Dean’s shoulders.

 

Him, Gabriel, and Sam were hanging out after school and work because Cas and Jess went out dress shopping. Dean couldn’t wait to see her when she put it on. Dean was off work all this week because of finals. It was nice to be able to come home and just relax a bit.

 

Sam was in the bathroom, and he and Gabriel were in the basement playing video games. Gabriel paused the TV.

 

“I wanted to do that. I can’t have little Sammy not looking absolutely Gucci at his first dance, now can I?” Gabriel nudged Dean’s shoulder.

 

“I guess not. But, still, thank you.” Dean felt like he owed Gabriel, he’d done so much for them. And, surprisingly, he didn’t mind when Gabe called Sam ‘Sammy’. Usually it bothered him, because _Dean_ was the only one who was allowed to call him that. But, it was okay when Gabriel did it.

 

“It’s nothing. Hey, Dean-o? How are you holding up?” Gabe asked sincerely. Dean knew that he would have to say something to Gabriel, he just didn’t know what.

 

“I’m okay, I guess. Cas and I, we talked it out. Everything. It’s going to be okay, and I know that. And I’m willing to work at myself, changing my habits, changing my mindset, until I’m good. I think it’s going to work out.” Dean was honest in his answer. No point in lying to Gabriel, now, anyways.

 

“Yeah? That’s good. Baby steps, right?” Gabriel said.

 

“Baby steps.” Dean nodded.

 

Dean and Gabe lapsed into a comfortable silence until Sam walked back into the room a minute later, then it was all yelling at the TV and bumping into each other, trying to get the other to mess up his game.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas tapped his foot on the hard tile floor. His back was sore from accidentally hunching over while he was waiting at the mall. He was anxious for two reasons.

 

  1.      He went to the free clinic a few miles away to get tested for STD’s and he _needs_ to get the results back. It would take about a week. A _week_.
  2.      Jess decided she wanted a blue dress. But she didn’t know which one. And Cas really wanted to help her find the perfect one, but it _was_ taking a while.



 

He wasn’t rushing her, of course. He just wanted to see her.

 

Jess was unbelievably beautiful. She had long, naturally curly blonde hair, extremely bright blue eyes, big, pink lips, and a soft face.

 

Sam was one lucky boy.

 

“Okay, I’m ready.” Jess called to him.

 

Cas stood up and walked over to the changing room that Jess was in. He knocked on the door before entering, just in case, and when she told him to come in Cas slowly opened the door. Jess was turned sideways, facing the mirror, and she was holding the dress to her chest so it didn’t fall down.

 

“Can you zip me up?” She asked, turning around to make it easier for Cas to access the zipper.

 

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Cas moved closer and closed the door behind him, giving Jess some privacy. He gently put his hand on her hip and slid the zipper up without pinching her skin.

 

He stepped back, it was a rather large changing room with mirrors on every side and two cushioned chairs in the corners.

 

The dress that she had on was gorgeous. She had been picking out various shades of blue all day, and she had settled on a striking midnight blue. The dress had a high neck line, with beautiful shiny beads around the collar. It haltered around to an open back, securing the bust. It was cinched at the natural waist, and flared out slightly to the knee.

 

Of course, Jess looked amazing in it. She would look amazing in anything.

 

“Do you like it?” Jess asked. She turned to face Cas.

 

“Do you?” He responded. Yes, he liked it, but it wasn’t what he thought, it was what she thought.

 

“Yeah. I like it. I _love_ it. It’s nicer than anything I’ve ever had.” She told him.

 

“Should we get it?” Cas asked.

 

“I don’t know. Do you think Sam will like it?”

 

Cas scoffed. _Scoffed_. “Sam? Will _Sam_ like it? Jessica, Sam would go _weak in the knees_ if you showed up at his house wearing your dad’s flannel and a pair of ripped sweatpants. Seriously. He’s so far gone for you, it’s insane. Wear what you want. If you want this dress, I’m buying it for you. It looks amazing, by the way.” Cas told her.

 

“You think?” Cas nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s get it.”

 

Cas nodded, smiling. “Awesome. Awesome? I’m spending too much time with Dean. Okay, let’s get you out of this so we can get shoes and jewelry or whatever else you want.”

 

“I really can’t thank you enough for doing all of this for me, Cas. I mean, taking me shopping, _buying_ my dress, I just can’t believe it’s all for _me_. You didn’t have to do any of it.” Jess took a step forward, stood on her tip toes, and gave Cas a hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Thank you.”

 

“I wanted to do this. And I don’t know about you, but I’m having a good time today. So let’s buy this dress, and spend the rest of the day telling dumb stories about our significant others. Sound good?” Cas offered. And he was completely serious. He and Jess could totally talk over a delicious lunch about what their Winchesters were up to.

 

“Sounds awesome, Cas. Unzip me?” Jess turned back around, showing Cas her back.

 

He unzipped the back of the dress so she could get out of it easily, and backed out of the dressing room to give her some privacy.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Jess was back in her normal clothes, her dress was paid for, and they were in the car, going to a place where they sell shoes. When they got to the store and started looking around, Cas thought he’d ask her what she wanted so he knew what he was looking for.

 

“So, do you have anything specific that you want or are you just looking around for something that catches your eye?” Cas asked.

 

“I know I want flats, I can’t walk in heels to save me life. And I want them to be silver, I guess.” Jess quickly scanned the shop, looking around for anything that looked like what she wanted.

 

Cas, being taller than her by about a foot, saw the section for junior’s and he walked her over to it. She was immediately drawn to a pair of flat, strappy sandals that had beads on them like her dress.

 

“These?” She held them up.

 

“You sure you don’t want to look around anymore?” Cas asked. He expected the shoe shopping to take longer than about thirty seconds, but if she was happy with those, he sure as hell wasn’t going to argue.

 

“I’m sure.” Jess nodded.

 

“Alright, then. Let’s get these and then go get some lunch.”

 

* * *

 

 

“You think _that’s_ bad? Sam tripped over his own two feet and crashed into my dad the first time he met my parents. I thought it was hilarious, but they didn’t. And neither did Sam.” Jess said, laughing at the memory. “Oh, _god_ , he was so red.”

 

Cas laughed even harder at the image of a gangly Sam falling into Jess’ father.

 

He looked at their empty plates where there used to be sandwiches and fruit, and took a sip of his water.

 

He promised Dean that they would be back by 3:00, and it was 2:34.

 

“Hey, I think we should get back to our clumsy boyfriends. It’s almost 3:00.” Cas licked his lips, tasting the water.

 

“Really? It all went by so fast. Thank you, again, for lunch. And the shoes. And the dress. I really love it all and today was a ton of fun, Cas.” Jess told him.

 

* * *

 

 

The car ride back was mostly silent, both of them tired from their day of shopping. Jess spoke, breaking the blanket of quietness.

 

“Do you love Dean?” She asked, turning her head to face Cas. They were in his car, his new, eco-friendly car. The one that Dean hated. For reasons that Cas still didn’t understand. _It was a good car_.

 

Her question, admittedly, took Cas by surprise.

 

“Yeah, I do. I do love Dean. Why are you asking?” Cas thought it was a bit strange for her to bring that up.

 

“I mean, I thought you did. Every time I see you two… just the way you look at him is so… intense. It looks like love. What does it feel like when you’re in love?” Jess asked another question. It didn’t go unnoticed by Cas the fact that she didn’t _answer_ his question, just added another.

 

“It feels like…. Like…. My heart _melts_ when I see Dean first thing in the morning. Sometimes I feel like it’s exploding when I actually get to wake up next to him. He makes my breath hitch every time he smiles or says something so stupidly dorky that it’s endearing. Every day I wonder what I did to deserve him. But at the same time, it’s a challenge. He makes me question everything I’ve done before I met him. All the choices I’ve made. Good or bad. The people I’ve been with. He makes me really think about myself. I feels like I’m completely sure of what I’m doing and everything makes sense, but absolutely nothing makes sense at the same time. Dean is… he’s something else. And I love him. Love just feels… good.” Cas nodded at the end of his answer, like he knew that what he said was the right one. And it was, because it was coming from his perspective on his love for Dean.

 

“Wow.” Jess breathed.

 

“Why did you want to know?” Cas pushed.

 

“I was just… curious. I wanted to know what it felt like. I think I’m going to fall in love with Sam one day.” Jess confessed.

 

“Yeah? How do you know?”

 

“I just sort of… feel it. I guess. I don’t know. It’s different. That’s all I can really say about it. It’s… different.” Jess huffed a laugh. “It’s good, different.”

 

Cas nodded. “Okay, I’m with you. That makes sense. I’m almost a hundred percent sure that Sam feels the same way.”

 

“Oh, turn left here.” Jess told him.

 

Cas turned the corner, heading back to Jess’ house. “Do you really think he feels the same way?” She asked.

 

“I really do.” Cas assured her.

 

Once he pulled into her driveway, he helped her get the clothes from the back. He noticed her mom watching from the front window, but didn’t say anything about it.

 

Jess had her shoes in one hand, and her dress in the other. Cas closed the door to the car. When he turned around to say goodbye, she reached up on her tip toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Thank you, Cas.”

 

“You’re welcome, Jess. Now, go inside before you get in trouble.” Cas teased, giving her a gentle push.

 

“Okay, okay, bye!”

 

“Bye, Jess.” Cas said, laughing at her quirkiness.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean greeted him with a soft smile and a warm hug.

 

“You’re back! How did it go?” He asked.

 

“Good, Jess got shoes and a dress. It was fun, we went out to lunch and talked about you two.” Cas said, pointing to Sam and Dean.

 

Dean just laughed, Gabriel rolled his eyes, and Sam’s eyes got wide. “What did she say about me? Was it _bad_? Was it _good_?”

 

“Now, now, Sam. My lips are sealed.” Cas made a motion to his mouth with his fingers, sliding them over his lips and ‘throwing away the key’.

 

“What?! No fair! Come on!” Sam begged, running a hang through his floppy hair.

 

“I can’t, Sam, I promised.” Cas teased. Now, that wasn’t entirely true…. He didn’t promise, but anyways he was pretty sure she didn’t want him to tell Sam that she said she was almost in love with him. But whatever.

 

“You suck, Cas.” Sam pouted, going up to his room.

 

Dean laughed again, grabbing Cas in for another hug, and this time, a kiss.

 

“I love you, Dean.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Cas smiled at Dean. Dean smiled back.

 

“So, what did you guys do while I was gone?” Cas asked, directing the question to Dean and Gabe.

 

“Oh, you know, we just robbed a bank, kidnapped the CEO of Walmart, and spent 4 million dollars on a hairless cat.” Gabe said sarcastically.

 

“At least you didn’t waste your day,” Cas laughed.

 

Dean smiled again.

 

“I’m gonna go ask Sam what he wants to do for dinner. Do you guys want to stay?” Dean offered.

 

Cas looked at Gabriel, silently asking for permission.

 

“Cas, you can. Sorry, Dean, I would but I have to do some work. I’ll see you guys, later, though. I should get going anyways….” Gabe trailed off.

 

He gave Dean a pat on the back and a soft smile to say goodbye before Dean went upstairs to talk to Sam.

 

Once they were alone, Cas jumped at the chance to quickly talk to Gabe.

 

“So yesterday after school I went to the free clinic to get tested for STD’s.” Cas stated. He didn’t really know where he was going with this.

 

“Good for you….” Gabe said, like he was waiting for Cas to say more.

 

“And the people there said that it would take about a week until I get results.” Cas added, still not sure what he was trying to say.

 

“Yeah, that’s normal.” Gabe told him.

 

“Should I tell Dean?” Cas asked.

 

“Well, that’s up to you. Do you want to?”

 

Cas thought about that. Well, yeah, of course he was going to tell Dean. That was the whole point of getting tested. But, should he tell him now so they could wait for the results together, or should he wait until he knows he’s clean before he tells Dean?

 

“Yeah. I think I’m going to tell him. Just… whenever it comes up.” Cas said.

 

“Good. Good, now I really gotta go, Cassie. I’ll see you tonight, okay? Don’t be too late. You have school tomorrow. And I don’t want you spending the night here, _again_ , I know you’re not actually doing homework when you’re here.” Gabe said sternly.

 

It was true. He always said he was here to study, and that’s what Dean thought, too, but he always managed to rope him into cuddling or kissing or hugging, distracting Dean from the real reason he was there.

 

“Okay, okay. Bye, Gabe.” Cas walked him to the door and closed it behind him after Gabriel sent him a small wave.

 

Cas breathed in, breathed out slowly.

 

He’d tell Dean tomorrow. Or Thursday. Yeah, Thursday. Or just when he got the results. _God_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i would like to dedicate this chapter to the lovely Wellbeing98 who suggested that it would be adorable to see the little cuties out at a school dance....and they were completely right!!!! i cant wait to post that chapter GOD why did jess have to die in the first episode she was so cool.....ANYWAYS
> 
> here's how i envisioned the stuff jess got!
> 
> (the dress) http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/peach-to-meet-you-dress-in-blue
> 
> (the shoes) https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/52/d4/2b/52d42b7d3e52fb43900e2266a8eb0e33.jpg
> 
> i feel like the blue would look so cute on her. and also omg little babies going on their first dance! i really really wanna know what you guys think???? this story is almost over jeez i almost dont want it to end! 
> 
> love you forever <3


	36. The Boyfriend and the Brother

**_Thursday, May 22_ **

 

Sam noticed that Cas was acting weird. Like he was nervous, worried.

 

Dean went out grocery shopping, and Cas came over right after school.

 

“You don’t have to come until later, I won’t be back for almost an hour.” Dean had said.

 

“No, no. It’s okay, Sam and I will just hang out until you get back.” Cas had responded.

 

Sam thought that was a little strange, too, but didn’t say anything.

 

It was fine, anyways. Sam wanted to talk to Cas a little bit.

 

“So….” Sam started.

 

Cas turned to look at him.

 

Sam felt weird about this.

 

His goal was to talk to Cas about Dean. He knew they were getting serious and he knew that Cas was good for him, but Dean was… Dean. He was _Dean_. He was special… different….

 

“So?” Cas repeated. He looked confused.

 

“So I wanted to talk to you about Dean, and you. About your relationship.” Sam felt ridiculous.

 

If Cas thought so, too, he didn’t say anything. He just nodded and sat down on the couch.

 

“Fair enough,” Cas said. “you’re his brother. Ask me anything.”

 

Sam thought about his words carefully.

 

“Look. I know you and Dean are in love. I know you guys… mess around, so to speak. I know. And I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. The way you look at him. Like you’d do anything to see him make that goofy crooked smile again. And you probably would. He would, too. I’m just… I don’t know. I love Dean, okay? I do. He’s my _big brother_.” Sam waited for Cas to say something.

 

He nodded to what Sam was saying, seeming to be following along.

 

Sam went on. “He’s my world. Dean is the best brother I could ever ask for. He wants to give me the best. And he _does_. And I guess I’m trying to tell you that I know him better than anyone else. And there’s two things I want to say. One thing I want to tell you, and one thing I want to ask you.” Sam waited this time for a response.

 

“Okay, Sam. I understand.”

 

Sam really thought that Cas did.

 

“I wanted to tell you that, and I know this is seriously cheesy and sounds super dumb coming from me, but I have to tell you that Dean’s my brother, Dean’s my friend, and I wouldn’t ever forgive you if you hurt him. _Physically_ _or_ _emotionally_. He deserves more than getting abused by his boyfriend. He’s had enough of that, already.” Sam got a little angry when he said his last sentence.

 

“Sam….” Cas tried to calm him down.

 

“No. I know that my dad yelled at Dean. I know that he said he didn’t want to see Dean again, until he ‘came to his senses’, and stopped liking boys. And I also know that Dean took it hard. He looked up to our father, and Dad just made him feel like shit.” Sam felt himself getting worked up, and he didn’t really want to cry about that. It still hurt, to know that Dean had to go through that when he was just about Sam’s age.

 

Cas scooched a little closer to Sam on the couch and rubbed his back softly until he started to calm down.

 

That was something that Dean did when Sam was feeling upset.

 

“And he cares so much about me. Did you know that every night, Dean comes in my room to say goodnight? He always, _always_ does. He kneels on the floor by my bed, pushes my ‘too long hair’ out of my face, and kisses my forehead. Every night. Even when you stay over, even when Mom’s here to do it for him. And when I’m at a sleepover, or I don’t stay home for the night, he texts me just to tell me to have fun and that he loves me. I _know_ that he loves me. But I also know that he’s trying really hard to make my early childhood better than his.” Sam smiled. God, Dean was really the best big brother.

 

“So, I guess this leads into what I’m going to ask you.” Sam turned a little so he could see Cas’ face easier, but the older boy didn’t stop rubbing his back. Sam noticed that he was rubbing it the wrong way. The wrong direction. He was going clockwise, and Dean _always_ went counter clockwise.

 

“Have you noticed things about Dean? Like… he’s been sort of down. I mean, he’s always been a little lonely, but like three months ago it got really bad. I tried to talk to him about it, but he always said he was just tired. But the next day he was like that, too. Then, like about a month and a half ago, when you showed up, he was a little happier, for a while, at least. I think all the stress got to him and he felt really overwhelmed and felt hopeless for a while. I mean, the past few days I feel like he’s acting like the Dean he used to be when we were kids. Like, _little_ kids. Seven and eleven years old.” Sam had kept that question in him for too long.

 

Cas looked pained, like he knew the answer, and it wasn’t good.

 

“Sam, you’re not wrong. But it’s not my secret to tell. It’s Dean’s. You know he’s not always very positive about himself, and he doubts very easily. He’ll tell you more about it when he’s ready, okay? We’ve already talked about it. Don’t worry about it right now. Dean trusts you.” Cas told Sam. He was still rubbing circles into Sam’s back.

 

It wasn’t really what he was looking for, but it was an answer nonetheless.

 

Sam nodded, okay with what Cas had told him.

 

There was one more thing, though….

 

“Cas? When are you going to sleep with Dean?”

 

The circles stopped, then started again. Still clockwise. The hesitation didn’t go unnoticed by Sam.

 

“I… we… we don’t know yet.” Cas said.

 

“You’re in love with him?” Cas nodded. “Do you want to?” Another nod. “Does _he_ want to?” More nods.

 

“Then what’s stopping you?” Sam asked.

 

Cas sighed. “Time. Timing. We need a few days to ourselves before we can… go that far. Dean and I love each other, but just because we’ve said that we’re in love doesn’t mean we have to have sex right away. And sure, I want to, but that doesn’t mean that Dean does, too. He told me he does, though. So we’re just waiting for the right time.”

 

Sam was surprised at how good of a listener slash answerer Cas was being then. Sam was asking him personal questions that he didn’t have to answer.

 

When Sam was going to say something more, Dean came in through the front door.

 

“Hey, guys, whatcha talking about?”

 

Sam looked up at the disturbance in the calm atmosphere, but his eyes were still red and he probably still looked really upset. Dean dropped the grocery bags on the floor and ran over to Sam and Cas, sitting on the couch on the other side of Sam.

 

“Sam? Sammy? What’s wrong?” He asked.

 

Dean’s hand replaced Cas’ on his back, rubbing circles in the opposite direction. The _right_ direction. Counter clockwise.

 

“I’m okay, Dean. I just… started thinking about Dad and it brought back some stuff. Really, I’m okay.” Sam wasn’t lying. He hated his father for what he put Dean through. But John wasn’t there anymore. Dean was.

 

Dean put his arm around Sam and hugged him close to his side. Dean felt warm and protective next to him. Sam loved that feeling.

 

He laid his head down on Dean’s shoulder and let him run his fingers once through Sam’s too long hair. As much as Sam wanted to forget everything with his brother, play games and call each other names, he couldn’t shake what Cas said out of his mind. Dean wasn’t really okay, and he didn’t tell Sam what was bothering him. Either it’s really bad, or it’s not important enough to bother him with.

 

Sam didn’t like either of those options. If it was bad, then that’s horrible and he needs to help Dean right away, even if he was a little upset that Dean didn’t trust him enough to just tell him what was wrong. But, on the other hand, if Dean thought it was too unimportant to bother him with, he was dead wrong. Dean would listen to Sam ramble on about nothing at all and it would still help him in some weird way because someone was listening. He felt that he wasn’t being that good of a brother if Dean couldn’t even tell him that he was annoyed or something.

 

“It’s okay, Sammy. He’s not here anymore. He’s gone forever. Everything is okay.” Dean soothed.

 

Sam almost didn’t realize that Cas had gotten up and went into the kitchen, but not before grabbing the grocery bags that Dean had dropped.

 

 _Almost_.

 

Sam extracted himself from Dean’s comforting grip and stood up with him, walking into the kitchen and back to Cas. He was putting the food away in the cabinets.

 

Dean and Cas finished up the last of the groceries. Sam watched them closely, the way that they worked together so well. It all felt so domestic. And it _was_. They were so casual together in the kitchen, handing each other soup and crackers and milk to put away. It made Sam feel good to see that.

 

* * *

 

 

Once Cas and Dean put the food away, Cas grabbed Dean’s hand.

 

“Hey, Sam, can I talk to Dean for a little bit? It won’t be long, I swear.” Cas asked. Sam nodded slowly, giving Cas a curious look that Cas replied silently with a smile and a reassuring nod, telling him that they wouldn’t talk about anything that was said privately.

 

Sam seemed satisfied. “Okay, let me know when it’s dinner time. I’m going to go call Jess, anyways.” Sam started to turn to go up the stairs, but Dean stopped him. He let go of Cas’ hand and gave Sam a tight hug.

 

“I love you, Sammy.” Dean whispered in his ear. Cas felt like he was imposing on something very private when he was watching something like that.

 

“I know, D, I love you, too.”

 

After a minute or two, Dean and Sam pulled away and Sam went upstairs, already dialing Jess’ number.

 

When Dean turned around, Cas saw his expression. It was happy, but his eyes were sad and somewhat nostalgic.

 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Cas asked, placing his hand gently on Dean’s upper arm.

 

“Sammy hasn’t called me ‘D’ since we were little and he would ask me why Dad screamed at us all the time.” Dean leaned forward and put his head on Cas’ shoulder, leaning against him.

 

“Oh, Dean. It’s okay. Sam’s okay. You’re okay. Come sit down with me.” Cas guided Dean back to the couch where Dean, him, and Sam sat earlier.

 

Cas just held Dean against his chest for a few minutes before clearing his throat.

 

“Dean? I have to tell you something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i reread this to edit it i didnt realize that it was sad. i totally didnt even mean for it to be like that i swear guys it just happened
> 
> also JUST WARNING YOU GUYS the next chapter is really cute and fluffy and they talk about their feelings and some things get resolved
> 
> I'll update again on tuesday! love you guys!  
> oh and btw i added like 15 chapters to this story so we're actually not that close to the end anymore.... i hope thats a good thing..... <3 see you next week!


	37. Testing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some scar talk but nothing serious
> 
> also stds?

**_Thursday, May 22_ **

 

“Dean? I have to tell you something.”

 

Cas decided that then was as good a time as any to tell Dean about getting tested for STD’s.

 

That declaration made Dean’s body perk up a little, his back straightened and his head came up off of Cas’ shoulder.

 

“What is it, baby?” Dean encouraged.

 

“I got tested for STD’s. And I get my results in a few days. I... guess I thought I should tell you.” Cas tensed a little, waiting for Dean’s response, but relaxed when Dean took his hand and squeezed it.

 

“Yeah?” Cas nodded in response. “Thank you.” Dean smiled.

 

“‘Thanks’? Dean?” Cas was confused at his odd reaction.

 

“I mean, yeah, you did it for yourself, to make sure you’re healthy, but it was also for me, too wasn’t it? It was to make me feel more confident about risks so that I wanted to sleep with you. And now that I .know that you’re thinking about me, I _am_ more confident. And, it’ll depend on the results of the tests, but I just… I want to be with _you_. Nothing between us… if you get that.” Dean said. He looked unsure of himself.

 

Cas was confused for a second, but then his eyebrows shot up when he understood what Dean was implying.

 

“Dean, Dean are you suggesting we have _unprotected_ sex?” Cas asked. He was surprised, it wasn’t something that sounded like Dean, nor something he had tried before.

 

“I mean, if you don’t want to then it’s okay, we can use condoms, I just thought it would be… good… if we were just… it was just… us. And nothing between us. It would be good. But not if you don’t want to, it was just a thought….” Dean trailed off. He looked embarrassed, face red.

 

“No, no. I… yeah.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. I mean… I love you. And I want to be with you in every single way possible. Close to you in every way. So, yes.” At first Cas wasn’t sure… he’d always been told to never have sex unless you wore a condom. So, when Dean suggested having sex without them, it was a bit of a shock. But it all made sense after he explained it. He _did_ want to feel Dean. All of Dean.

 

Their first time was going to be all about Dean. And if he didn’t have any STD’s, there was nothing holding them back.

 

“I love you, Cas.”

 

“I know. I love you, too, Dean.”

 

“When do you get your results back?” Dean asked.

 

“Saturday, I think. Why?”

 

“We need to find some time for our… special getaway. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since we first talked about it. I _can’t_ _wait_ , Cas.” Dean leaned in to kiss him. Cas forgot what he was going to say when Dean touched his soft lips to Cas.

 

“Mmmm, you’re right. When school gets out, I promise. Just another week. One more week of school, Sam’s dance, then the seniors graduate, and we have the whole summer to ourselves. Just one more week, baby.” Cas told Dean.

 

“I know. I just need you now. I can ask my mom if I can spend a few days out with you. She probably won’t mind. She likes you because I like you. I love you. Okay? We’re going to have the best time. And I know it’ll be good, because it’s with you. I love you. I just… love you.” Dean nuzzled his head into Cas’ neck.

 

The soft hair on Dean’s head tickled Cas’ jaw.

 

“You’re so good, Dean.” Cas whispered, bringing an arm around Dean’s back to pull him closer.

 

Dean looked up, at Cas.

 

Cas was, once again, stricken by the beautiful forest green color in Dean’s eyes.

 

“How are you feeling, Dean?” Cas asked.

 

“Good. Yeah. Good. It’s more like I matter, but I also don’t at the same time. Sometimes it’s hard to explain.” Cas pulled Dean up closer to him, putting his hand on the back of Dean’s neck to put their foreheads together. Dean closed his eyes, and Cas couldn’t see the green anymore.

 

“Look at me, Dean. There are seven _billion_ people on this earth with mouths and smiles and eyes and noses and eyebrows and cheeks and chins and hands and toes and ears, and yours are _my_ _favorite_. So yeah, you do matter. You matter to me, to Sam, to your mom. To Bobby, to Gabriel. You just… matter. And that’s all I have to say about that. You matter so much.” Cas brought Dean in for another kiss, giving him attention and care.

 

“Thank you, Cas.” Dean’s voice was raw.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean grabbed Cas’ shoulder tighter. Tomorrow was Friday, and they had school. Then a week from tomorrow was Sam’s dance. Then about a week from then, Dean would be getting ready to have sex with Cas.

 

They were laying down in Dean’s bed. Dean had said goodnight to Sam already, and the pair had just put clothes that they were going to sleep in on.

 

“What time do you want to wake up for school tomorrow, Cas?” Dean asked, shifting so that he could turn the alarm on.

 

“I don’t know, 6:00?” Cas offered.

 

Dean nodded, switching the time, then settled back down in bed with Cas. He was confused for a moment when Cas abruptly got up from the bed, but relaxed when he realized that he was just getting up to turn off the lights.

 

Cas came back to bed, snuggling in tight with Dean.

 

Gabe usually doesn’t let Cas stay over on weekdays, but since tomorrow was Friday and they promised to go to bed early, he let it slide. Dean was so grateful for him.

 

Cas pushed up against Dean’s side. He grabbed his forearm and brought it up to his lips. Dean didn’t feel any pain. Two days earlier, he took the bandages off of his arm and Cas always kissed his scars. They were tender at first, but after he got used to having contact on them it started feeling good.

 

“How are your cuts, baby?” Cas asked, touching his lips to Dean’s arm.

 

“Better. Healing.” Dean squeezed just a little closer to Cas, feeling his warmth. He didn’t need to. It had been getting warmer and warmer outside and Dean had been sweating through his shirt at work. It’s not like he could wear a short sleeve shirt. The customers might not want him working on their cars after that.

 

I mean, maybe when he and Cas had settled down, lived their lives, Dean was clean. Maybe then he’d take off his flannel and just wear his undershirt. His scars would have faded. It would sort of be him being proud of himself for recovering. He would be clean, _completely_ body, mind and soul positive. Then he would be confident enough to show his arms.

 

But certainly not now.

 

And that thought could wait. Because right then, Dean was with _Cas_. Cas. His life, his love, his heart. His everything. And that wouldn’t ever change.

 

So Dean sunk down into his bed, curling into Cas, who let his arm go.

 

“I love you, Cas.” Dean whispered, tucking his body _even_ _closer_ to him.

 

“I love you, Dean.”

 

Dean just let that sink in. Cas loves him. Cas wants him. It’s all okay. No, it’s all good. Excellent. Amazing. Incredible. Perfect.

 

God, Dean loves Cas.

 

And when Cas says he loves Dean, he _feels_ it. He feels the love that Cas talks about. About being ten times happier when Dean walks in the room. He can see Cas’ smile. He _does_ get happier. Because of Dean.

 

Cas makes Dean feel so unbelievably loved and special and cared for and he doesn’t even realize it.

 

Which is another thing that Dean loves about Cas. Along with his stupid hair, those hands, his big teeth, his laugh, the way his head sort of tilts to the right when he was asking Dean questions, those impossibly blue eyes. The list could go on. Seriously. He should just make a list of everything that Cas has or does and it could be filed under ‘things about Cas that I love’ because he loves all of Cas.

 

Even his weird squint. It’s fucking adorable, okay?

 

Dean sighed softly into Cas’ neck.

 

“Tired, baby?” Cas asked, dragging his leg across Dean’s under the sheets.

 

“Yeah. It’s been sort of a crazy few weeks. I like just lying in bed with you at night, we don’t have anywhere to be. It’s lazy. It’s… comforting. Do you think that sometime we can just lay in bed together? All day, nothing to do, just cuddling close and _being_ together?” Dean asked. He doesn’t ever want to be away from Cas.

 

“Absolutely, yes. _Yes_. I wouldn’t want anything more, Dean.” Cas shifted slightly to get more comfortable against Dean’s body.

 

The warmth of skin on skin, no matter if the skin was scarred or not, was a pleasurable feeling. He liked the bare contact. It was a simple reminder that Cas was there with Dean, and he wasn’t going away.

 

“Goodnight, Cas.”

 

“Goodnight, Dean. I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Dean fell asleep faster than he had in his entire life.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO I KNOW THIS WAS SHORT but the next chapter is kinda longish and it sets up EVERYTHING for the sam/jess dance i'm so excited for you guys to read that seriously
> 
> and uhm Dean and Cas texting is in the next chapter too... i love it when they text and stupid things get misunderstood and it's adorable ugh THEY are adorable
> 
> also im just curious, what are your opinions on unprotected sex? leave a comment to let me know <3
> 
> so anyways i'll see you guys in a few days, i've been writing like crazy so i'm hoping to get the next chapter up on the 25th. love you all! <33333333


	38. The Morning Of

_** Saturday, May 31 ** _

 

So, it turned out that Sam’s dance was on a Saturday and not a Friday like they thought. Which meant that they had the whole day to fuss over him and embarrass him instead of just a few hours, making it all the better.

 

Jess was supposed to come over at around three and hang out with the boys for a while, eat dinner with them, then get ready with Cas in the basement. The dance started at seven and went until eleven, so Dean and Cas would have four hours to mess around before having to pick the kids up at the school.

 

He was planning on driving Cas to the park across town, which is really just an open field that overlooks a small lake, and having them hang out in the Impala. Or maybe he could take Cas out for a movie….

 

Dean was excited for Sam. He knew that it was his and Jess’ first time ‘out’ together and that they were both looking forward to it. He hadn’t really had that much time to talk to Jess about anything, but he knows that she likes Sam just as much as Sam likes her, so there isn’t really much of a chance for Sam to come home with a broken heart after his first dance. That would suck. For everyone.

 

Cas was coming over at two. Dean should tell him that he wants to go to a movie, or whatever else Cas wants to do.

 

Sam was in his room, still sleeping probably. Dean stood up from where he was sitting on the couch in the living room and walked up the stairs to the door to Sam’s bedroom. Dean could see that the light was on, so he wasn’t still sleeping.

 

Dean knocked on the door, but he didn’t get a response. After a few seconds more of waiting, he opened the door a crack to peek inside.

 

Sam was on the floor, curled up into himself, clutching a dress shirt and a hair brush.

 

“Sam? You okay?” Dean asked, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

 

Sam turned to look at Dean, then curled back into a ball.

 

“I have no idea what I’m doing, Dean! I don’t know how to look nice, or dress up, or act like a gentleman. This whole night is going to be a disaster.” Sam sulked.

 

Dean fought back the urge to laugh, this wasn’t the time. But later. Definitely later.

 

“Come on, Sammy. You’re gonna have a great time tonight. What’s the problem?” Dean asked. Sam was uncontrollably excited the day before. So what got into him?

 

“ _Dean_ , I’m not going to do anything right. I’m a horrible dancer! She’s gonna take one look at me trying to dance and then she’ll run away. Forever. And she’d never ever ever ever ever ever ever never never ever never ever talk to me ever again because I suck at everything. That’s it. It’s settled. I can’t go.” Sam whined, rolling around on the floor.

 

“Samuel Winchester, are you backing out? You’re going to leave Jess all alone at the dance? What if another boy goes up to her and asks her to dance and says yes because you ditched her? No way, Sammy. You’re going to that dance. And you’re going to have fun if it kills you. Now, go, get in the shower. I’m going to help you out, okay? I’m going to help you get ready. You have nothing to worry about. So go, Sam. And no more bitching about this.” Dean took Sam’s hand and pulled him off of the floor.

 

He didn’t miss the whispered, “Jerk,” when he walked past Dean to get in the shower.

 

Dean rolled his eyes at the melodramatic teenager, and picked up the hairbrush and now wrinkled dress shirt that he left on the floor. He sighed at the creases, he’d have to iron it out for Sam.

 

He checked his phone. It was 10:15 AM. He should text Cas.

 

**D: Hey, still coming over at 2?**

**C: Yeah. That okay?**

**D: Yeah. Sam’s having a breakdown. He’ll be okay, just nervous.**

**C: Who wouldn’t be? And I almost threw up before we went on _our_ first date.**

**D: You did not.**

**C: I swear it!**

**C: I miss you. I didn’t get to see you at all yesterday.**

Cas had to catch up on homework and he saw some very extended family the night before. The boys didn’t get to see each other except at school.

**D: I know. I miss you, too. But we’re having the night all to ourselves. Actually from 7-11 but same thing.**

**C: I can’t wait <3**

**D: Omg did you just send me the heart thing**

**C: Omg did you just say omg**

**D: Whatever.**

**C: ANYWAYS, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PLANNED FOR TONIGHT?**

**D: Movies? And why are you yelling at me?**

**C: Definitely. Sorry bamboo I had caps lock on.**

**C: Baby***

**C: Jesus**

Dean couldn’t help but actually laugh out loud at that bamboo thing. _Bamboo_.

 

**D: I love you so much you dork.**

**C: Yeah, yeah. I’m a loser.**

**D: Yeah, you are.**

Dean sat down on Sam’s bed, straightening that shirt and setting down the hairbrush.

 

**C: Thanks.**

**D: Mhm. So what are you up to?**

**C: Lying in bed thinking about you.**

**D: Why don’t you just come over now?**

**C: I’m gross. I need to shower and fix my nasty hair before you touch it because I know you will.**

**D: Hey! That’s true. And I can’t help it, okay? Your hair is soft. And fluffy. And I love it when it’s all messed up from sleep….**

**C: Am I sleeping over tonight?**

**D: Will Gabe let you?**

Dean actually really wanted Cas to stay over. He missed him. Falling asleep in bed together was one of his favorite things.

 

**C: Probably. But actually never mind because I need to clean my room like really bad and I won't do it if I stay with you. But next time definitely. Also I need to study for finals really badly or else I'll fail and you distract me.**

**D: Okay that's fine. And you'll do good, bamboo. Don't worry.**

**C: Are you mocking me?**

**D: Absolutely, yes. And Cas, you’re smart. You follow along. You will do fine, I promise. I believe in you.**

**C: That’s sweet. But you know how it’s harder for me. Sometimes I just don’t get it. And it’s our junior year, so it counts. I’m really nervous about this week. Will you please not text me from 2-4 tomorrow afternoon?**

**D: Uh, okay sure. But I'm calling you at 4 okay?**

**C: Okay. Thank you. I love you.**

**D: I love you, too. Can’t wait to see you tonight.**

**C: What movie are we seeing?**

**D: I don’t know. I don’t care either. So whatever you want. I honestly wasn’t even planning on watching the movie…**

**C: Dean!**

**D: We never do!**

**C: I know.**

Dean heard Sam shut the water off in the bathroom.

 

**D: I should go, Sam’s gonna get out of the shower soon and I have to give him my full attention.**

**C: Okay, I’ll see you in a few hours. Ily bye**

**D: I can’t believe you didn’t write out ‘I love you’**

**C: Oh okay sorry bamboo I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DEANIE BABIE AWWW I MISS U BOO <33333333**

**C: Good enough?**

**D: Don’t do that again. I love you, bye.**

**C: I love you, too. And you know it. Okay bye for real now.**

Dean laughed again, then tucked his phone away in his pocket. Cas was fucking ridiculous sometimes.

 

Okay, _all_ the time.

 

Dean ran downstairs and into the laundry room. He laid the shirt down on the washing machine and turned the iron on. While he was waiting for it to heat up, Dean started humming random tunes until he heard Sam running down the stairs.

 

Sam turned into the laundry room as Dean shifted to see where he was going and they ran into each other.

 

Sam, being way less dense than Dean, fell over on his ass, clutching a white towel around his waist.

 

“What the fuck are you even doing, Sam?” Dean laughed, looking down at his gray long sleeve that now had water droplets all over it.

 

“Hey! Don’t swear!” Sam scolded, trying to get up off of the ground.

 

Dean grabbed his scrawny upper arm and hoisted him up to his feet.

 

“What’s going on, dude?” Dean asked, gesturing to just… _Sam_.

 

Sam rolled his eyes, looking exasperated.

 

“Okay, well when I got out of the shower you weren’t in my room and you weren’t in your room so I couldn’t find you and I was running all over because I needed you.” Sam adjusted the towel around his waist.

 

Dean raised his eyebrow.

 

“What did you need me for? I came down here to iron that shirt that you completely wrinkled up in your midmorning crisis.” Sam glanced past Dean’s shoulder and nodded.

 

“Oh. Well, thanks.”

 

“So what do you need?” Dean asked.

 

“I need you to brush my hair.”

 

Dean honestly would have started cracking up if his little brother didn’t look so seriously embarrassed and sad at needing him to brush his hair.

 

“You can’t do that yourself?”

 

“No! I’m just going to mess my hair up. Please? You do everything right.” Sam pleaded.

 

Dean was going to do it anyways, but he was just curious as to why a now fifteen year old boy needed his brother’s help to brush his overly long hair out. Plus, Sam said he did everything right which was oddly enough a huge confidence boost.

 

“Yeah, Sammy. Of course. Just… go put some pants on, okay? I’m going to iron your shirt and I’ll come upstairs when I’m done.” Dean reasoned, cracking the slightest smile.

 

Sam looked down at his skinny bare chest and started laughing.

 

“Okay, Dean. Thank you.” Dean let Sam go back to his room and turned around to the now hot iron. He quickly smoothed out the shirt, paying special attention to the breast pocket where Sam somehow twisted the fabric into itself.

 

When he finished, Dean hung the shirt up and went upstairs into Sam’s room. He was sitting on his bed, _dressed_ , in sweatpants and a cut off t-shirt. As Dean walked in, Sam sat up straighter and extended his arm to give Dean the brush.

 

“So, what do you want me to do?” Dean asked, taking the item from Sam’s hand.

 

“Just brush all the knots out.” Sam said, shifting on the bed a little. He got up so Dean could sit behind him on the bed, legs apart, so that Sam could sit between them, giving Dean easy access to his hair.

 

Once Dean was situated behind Sam, he grabbed his damp, almost shoulder length hair and ran the brush through the side of it, right above his ear.

 

Dean felt a few knots in it, and he went back with the brush to untangle them. He did this for the rest of Sam’s hair, stopping a few times to let him readjust it, and eventually Sam’s head was knot free.

 

Dean ran his hand through the soft strands before reaching around to Sam’s front and handing him the brush back.

 

“Thanks, Dean. I feel a lot better now.” Sam got out of the space between Dean’s legs to move around and sit beside him.

 

Dean glanced at the clock on the wall before responding.

 

“Anything for you, Sam. So, it’s 11:30. Cas is coming over at 2:00, then at 3:00 I’m going to go pick Jess up. What time do you want to do lunch before then? You don’t need to get ready before she gets here. You have plenty of time.” Dean said reassuringly.

 

Sam took a deep breath. “Can we eat at noon? I feel like that would give me enough time to calm down and stuff before that. I’m still a little nervous, but I just need some alone time.”

 

“Okay, Sammy. I’m gonna go in my room and I’ll come get you at 12:00. Sound good? I want to text Cas anyways so this works out.” Dean suggested.

 

“Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Dean. Tell Cas I said hi. And I love you.” Sam leaned in to give Dean a half hug on the side.

 

“I love you, too, Sam. I’ll be right in the other room if you need me, alright?” Dean said, standing up.

 

Sam stayed sitting and he pulled his phone out. “Yeah. I’m okay now. Go text your boyfriend. I know you miss him.” Sam gave Dean a good smile.

 

Satisfied with Sam’s now calm and Sam-like actions, Dean went back into his room, shutting the door behind him.

  __

* * *

 

 

Lunch and the rest of the early afternoon went by quickly for Dean. Cas texted him until he came over at 2:00, and all three boys hung out until 3:00 when Dean left Cas and Sam to go get Jess. Sam freaked out a little when Dean said it was time to go get Jess, but after some reassurance from Cas he realized that everything was going to be okay.

 

When Dean got to Jess’ house, he was halfway out of the car when she ran out of her front door with a big plastic bag on a hanger, probably containing her dress, a shoe box, and a smaller handbag.

 

Dean helped her get the stuff in the backseat before sitting her in the front.

 

“So? How are you? Excited?” Dean asked.

 

Jess squirmed in the passenger’s seat a little. 

 

“Yes. _Very_. Nervous, too. I don’t even know what about. I’m just _so_ nervous. Sam makes me nervous.” Jess confessed.

 

“Like in a good way, nervous?” Dean asked. He was pretty sure that Sam wasn’t intentionally scaring her but you never know.

 

“Yeah, good nervous. Like butterflies.” She explained.

 

Dean nodded, understanding.

 

“Sam’s nervous, too, you know. This morning he was freaking out. I told him that everything was going to be fine. You guys are going to have a great time tonight.” Dean assured her.

 

Jess just shook her head slightly in agreement, a movement that Dean caught out of the corner of his eye. He decided to just stay silent the rest of the way home.

 

When they got back to the house, Cas took Jess’ things and put them in the basement. Dean called Sam down from upstairs so he could hang out with her.

 

The rest of the afternoon went by quickly. For Dean, at least. He could see that Sam was fidgety and nervous like earlier, but then Jess would put her hand over his or ruffle his hair and he would relax a little. Dean loved seeing that Jess had that effect on his little brother.

 

When it was time for dinner, Sam, Jess, Cas, and Dean ate the spaghetti and meatballs that Dean and Cas cooked up for them all in the kitchen. Dean noticed that Cas was on edge as well as Sam. He didn’t know why, and he made a mental note to ask him later once they were alone.

 

After they ate and talked a little longer, it was time to get the kids ready for the dance. Dean took Sam upstairs with him and kissed Cas goodbye.

 

He couldn’t wait to see them off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, guys, thanks for reading! I'm obsessed with the boys having stupid text conversations and using hearts and calling each other dummies because they are it's adorable omg....
> 
> I'm working on the next chapter, and as of right now, there will be 58 total chapters in this fic. It might change, but I think that's the magic number. Plus, next chapter there's Cas helping Jess get ready he's the best boyfriends-older brothers-boyfriend ever...
> 
> So until next time, bye! I love you and have a great rest of your day xxoo


	39. The Eighth Grade Dance

**_ Saturday, May 31 _ **

 

Cas ran his hand over cold water.

 

“Sorry, I should have been more careful. I think I have the hang of it, now.” he told Jess.

 

She smiled. “It’s okay. There’s only half left.”

 

Cas picked up the curling iron and wrapped another piece of her hair around the wand. He counted to thirty, like she said, and then let it go. He kept his hand on the back of her neck, though, so he didn’t burn her skin like he burned his when he put his fingers on the metal part. It was not fun.

 

He sighed, and looked into the mirror. Jess was sitting in a chair in the bathroom and Cas was standing behind her. She met his eyes in the mirror.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

 

Cas spun another piece of hair around the wand and counted until thirty.

 

“I’m nervous, I guess." Cas paused. "I shouldn’t have told you that. This is your day, not mine.” Cas looked away from the mirror to curl her hair again.

 

“Yeah, maybe, but you can still just talk to me. And I’m curious. If you don’t mind talking about it.” Jess argued.

 

Cas looked in the mirror again. He squinted his eyes, but he still looked weird. He curled another piece of hair.

 

“I’m nervous about having sex with Dean.”

 

 _Jesus, Castiel_.

 

As soon as he said that, Cas cringed.

 

_What the fuck? You can’t just say that to a heterosexual fourteen year old girl who happens to be dating your boyfriend’s younger brother! Well, you don’t know that she’s hetero she could be bi or pan or something or maybe even lesbian like she just may not have found herself yet and –_

_Goddammit Cas, get yourself together._

“Sorry.” Cas deadpanned.

 

“It’s okay. I didn’t really expect that but it’s still okay. Wait… were you guys planning on… that… tonight?” she asked hesitantly.

 

“No, no. Not tonight, but soon.” Cas had no idea why he allowed that conversation to continue.

 

“It’s okay to be nervous.” she said matter of factly.

 

“Yeah?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah.” Jess confirmed.

 

And somehow, that made Cas feel that much better. He wasn’t just nervous about having sex, he wanted it to be good for Dean. He was raped, and he needs a new experience, a _good_ experience, to help keep him from thinking horrible things about that night. Cas’ STD results were in. He got them mailed to him, and he hasn’t looked yet. That was something that he and Dean would do together, tonight.

 

“So, why do you wear eyeliner?” Jess asked, changing the subject.

 

Cas only had one piece of hair left. He curled it tightly, counted, and watched it bounce against the rest of her curls.

 

“Because I like it.” Cas snapped. He, yet again, regretted that decision.

 

It’s just that he’s so used to judgmental people asking why a boy would wear eyeliner because it was a ‘girl’ thing. When Jess asked, he just had his automatic answer ready.

 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, it’s just a reflex.” he explained. “I wear it because I like the way it looks around my eyes. It makes them look really blue. And, I like putting it on. I think Dean likes it, too. But I wore it before I met him. I didn’t put it on just to impress him.”

 

Jess nodded. She unplugged the curling iron that Cas had in his hand, and he set it down on the counter.

 

“Cool. Can you help me with my makeup, then?” Jess turned to face him. “And my hair looks really good by the way. Thanks. I could never have done it by myself.”

 

“You’re welcome. It was sort of fun doing it. What kind of makeup do you want?” Cas asked, opening the makeup bag she set on the counter.

 

“Simple. Like brown and nudes and stuff I guess.” Jess shrugged. He guessed she hadn’t really given it much thought.

 

“No problem.” Cas spun her around in the chair so her whole body was turned to face him and not just her head. “Let’s get started.”

 

Cas got to work, putting light foundation over her cheeks and nose. The bottle was almost full. He wasn’t surprised that she didn’t use it often. Next was her eyes. He used a dark brown eyeliner and barely swept it just under her eye. It was subtle. Cas didn’t like to admit that he actually had to resist the urge to just go to town on her eyes and completely darken the top and bottom just like his. He wants to turn her into a punk mess like him. Maybe Dean will let him do his makeup….

 

But he stopped himself, giving her a smooth, thin line.

 

When he put eye shadow on, he used sparing amounts of it like everything else. They didn’t talk while he was doing her makeup. It was a comfortable silence.

 

Jess was an extremely beautiful girl with great features. She didn’t need makeup to enhance them.

 

Cas put a small amount of mascara on and then a little bit of shiny nude lip gloss and put everything away.

 

“You’re done?” she asked.

 

“Yeah. Wanna see?” Jess nodded and got out of the chair so she could easily move closer to the mirror.

 

“I love it.”

 

“Good. Now is it time to put you in that dress?” Cas asked.

 

“If you’ll help me,” Jess grabbed the big plastic bag that contained her dress. She pulled it out of the bag and walked out of the bathroom with Cas.

 

She took her sweatshirt and sneakers off, followed by her jean shorts, socks, and t-shirt.

 

Cas turned around when she took her bra off so she could get into the dress herself with some privacy.

 

“Okay,” Jess said once she was in the dress.

 

Cas went behind her and zipped the dress up, careful not to get her hair caught. He smoothed the back down and watched as she twirled around, making the bottom of it flare out. Jess smiled down at herself and looked up at Cas, smoothing down the chest and collar.

 

“Do I look okay?” she asked.

 

“You look incredible, Jess. Sam’s going to faint.” Cas smiled down at her.

 

“You think so?” Jess reached down to thumb with the hem of her dress.

 

“I know so.” Cas confirmed.

 

Jess got her shoes out of the box and sat down on the couch to put them on and tighten the straps of the little silver sandals.

 

“Are you ready?” he asked.

 

“I think….” Jess trailed off.

 

Cas got his phone out and texted Dean.

 

**C: Jess said she’s ready. You guy’s done yet?**

**D: Give us fifteen?**

**C: Got it.**

**D: Thanks.**

**C: Does he need something?**

**D: Yeah, guts to leave the room. He’ll be fine.**

**C: Okay, got it.**

“So, in fifteen we’re going to go up and it’ll almost be time to go. ‘Kay?” Cas told her.

 

Jess nodded.

 

She took a deep breath and hunched her shoulders forward.

 

“You okay?” Cas asked. He moved to side beside her on the couch.

 

“I don’t know how to slow dance… what if I do it wrong?” Jess confessed.

 

“Have you done it before?” Cas asked.

 

“I mean, sort of. Like with my dad at weddings or somthing. But never with a _boy_. With _Sam_.” Jess shrugged her shoulders, slumping a little farther down the couch.

 

Cas got up, faced her, and held his hand out, bowing like a gentleman. She looked up from her lap.

 

“What?”

 

“Dance with me, m’lady.” Cas winked, smiling softly at her, inviting.

 

Jess slowly extended her hand for him to grasp, and as soon as he grabbed her fingers, Cas pulled her off the couch and grabbed her waist. She giggled and put her hand on is shoulder.

 

“I’ll teach you,” Cas said, stepping forward. “Sam doesn’t know how to dance, either. Just sort of sway together with him.”

 

Cas moved his body slightly, taking her with him. They spun slowly, in time with themselves. Jess got the hang of moving gently, tightly, and smoothly.

 

“Like this?” she asked, just going foot to foot and swaying to the time that Cas set.

 

“Just like that. There you go.” Cas encouraged.

 

“Thanks. Again. For everything. I owe you a lot.” Jess said.

 

“You don’t owe me anything. I wanted to do this. All of this. Okay?” Cas let go of her and they sat back down. “I think that you guys are good together. Like me and Dean.”

 

“ _You_ and _Dean_?” she asked, disbelieving look on her face.

 

“Okay, maybe not _that_ good. But good.” Cas blushed a little. It was nice that Jess thought him and Dean were good. Solid. And they _were_. But sometimes it got hard. Sometimes it was _really_ hard. But loving Dean made it all worth it. And someone saying that they were a good couple was somewhat reassuring.

 

“Yeah… maybe.” Jess looked like she was thinking.

 

Cas’ phone vibrated and he pulled it out of his pocket.

 

**D: We’re in the living room. Come up when she’s ready <3**

**C: Coming**

Cas clapped his hands together. “Time to go up there.”

 

Jess exhaled. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

 

She followed closely behind Cas, making almost no noise as they walked up the stairs.

 

“You’re fine, Jess.” Cas assured her quietly.

 

When they reached the top floor, Cas saw Dean and Sam standing next to each other by the kitchen. Dean smiled, putting his arm out as if he were presenting Sam.

 

Sam looked good. He was wearing a plain white dress shirt with a navy tie and plain black slacks. His hands were respectfully behind his back. Cas noticed that he somehow tamed his long hair so that it fit tucked into his ears. Sam really did clean up well.

 

Cas watched Sam’s face for his reaction to seeing Jess.

 

As soon as she reached the top step and Sam could see all of her, his big hazel eyes widened and a sweet smile crept up on his lips. Cas moved out of the way, next to Dean, and squeezed his hand.

 

Sam stepped forward, blushing.

 

The _slightly_ older couple watched as Sam got close enough to take the back of her hand and bring it up to his lips.

 

“You are simply stunning, Jess. I… you’re gorgeous.” Sam smiled even wider as Jess blushed. “Wait! I mean not that you’re _not_ gorgeous all the time because you are every single day it’s just that tonight—“

 

“Sam. I know what you meant. You’re fine.” Jess giggled, assuring him.

 

Sam visibly relaxed, and Cas noticed how he didn’t let go of her hand.

 

“Smile!” Dean said and the kids turned to face him. A bright flash went off followed by the click of a camera and Dean laughing at Sam and Jess covering their eyes from the surprise picture.

 

“Hey!” Sam called. “No fair!”

 

Dean’s laugh was so genuine that Cas started snickering, too.

 

“Oh, come on, Sammy. We need some pictures to remember this night! Plus, Mom couldn’t come and she made me promise to take a few pictures of you.” Dean explained.

 

“Okay, well can you take a good one, then, please?” Sam asked, looking embarrassed.

 

“Strike a pose, then.” Dean teased.

 

Sam rolled his eyes, but he scrambled to get to Jess’ side. He let go of her hand to wrap an arm around her waist and they smiled together at the camera.

 

Cas thought that Dean looked beautiful then. He was truly happy, and for days now he had been showing signs of getting better. Dean was incredible. Cas was always amazed at how good he was to Cas, even when he was feeling down on himself.

 

Dean was selfless. Sometimes it was brave, sometimes it was frustrating. But somehow, Cas seemed to take a bit of the edge off, and he knew it. And earlier in the week, Cas asked Dean what he wanted to do. Usually, Dean says he doesn’t care and that he wants to do whatever Cas wants to do. But not that time. He told Cas that he wanted to go for a walk, while holding hands of course, and go out to lunch together.

 

Even though it was something as trivial as a meal, Dean actually put what he wanted first. And that was a step in the right direction.

 

Cas decided that while they had alone time when Sam and Jess were at the dance, he would tell Dean how much he loved him. He’d rather show him, but that was for later. He could wait.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean pulled up in front of the school in the Impala, with Cas next to him and Sam and Jess in the back seat.

 

“Get out. Have a good night, dance, whatever. I’ll pick you guys up at 11:00, okay?” Dean turned to look at Sam and Jess. She was already getting out of the car, giving Dean a ‘thanks’ and keeping the door open for Sam, but walking a few steps away to give him and Dean a little privacy.

 

“Be good tonight, got it? I don’t want to hear that you spiked the punch bowl.” Dean joked, ruffling Sam’s hair.

 

“Dean! Don’t! You’re gonna mess it up….” Sam whined, bringing a hand up to his head in an attempt to fix his hair.

 

“I love you, Sammy. Now get out so me and Cas can go to the movies.” Dean laughed, but he was totally serious. Sam needed to get out of the car right now because he wanted to get somewhere that he could make out with Cas.

 

“I know, I love you, too. Bye.” Sam rolled his eyes and added, “Please, if you’re going to be all over each other in the car, keep it in the front seat.” And then he got out of the Impala to go by Jess.

 

It was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes, but he didn’t say anything more. He waited a minute to see Sam and Jess disappear into the school before heading off down the road.

 

“You still want to go to the movies?” Dean asked. He honestly didn’t care where they went. He just wanted to spend some time with Cas.

 

“Actually, no. Let’s go to the lake. It’s nice out we can sit outside while it gets dark. It’ll be romantic….” Cas trailed off, running his fingers down Dean’s side.

 

Dean took his eyes off of the road for just a second to glance over at Cas.

 

“We’re going to the lake.”

 

 

 

[Jess' Dress](http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/peach-to-meet-you-dress-in-blue)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooh they'er going to the lake.......... 
> 
> there may or may not be handjobs in the next chapter. 
> 
> im writing like crazy guys i promise i stopped just to post this chapter and im gonna go right back on my doc and write a thousand more words tonight
> 
> your encouragement helps though just saying i seriously get like one comment and im like wow this was so sweet im gonna go write 500 words
> 
> love you guys <3


	40. Results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOO here you go. tbh im kinda proud of this chapter so i hope you enjoy. also if smut isnt your thing then i wouldnt read this..............

**_ Saturday, May 31 _ **

 

Dean felt a strong arm wrap around his shoulders.

 

“It’s nice tonight, huh?” Cas pressed a kiss to Dean’s temple. Dean kicked the water a little more with his bare foot. It was cool, but not cold. The sun was almost done setting, only a few pale pinks and purples left from the daylight.

 

“Yeah, it’s beautiful.” Dean replied. They were sitting on the dock, basically on top of each other. Nobody else was at the lake.

 

“Kiss me, Dean.” Cas whispered in his ear.

 

Dean turned just the slightest amount to reach Cas’ lips, and then he was gone.

 

The feelings of absolute pleasure and comfort when he touched his soft lips to Cas’ was overwhelming. Dean grabbed Cas’ shirt and brought him closer, licking into his mouth.

 

Cas tasted like cherries—he was licking a red lollipop earlier and his lips had a faint red stain on them.

 

Dean tilted his head ever so slightly to deepen their kiss, smushing his nose against Cas’. He breathed the boy in. Cas always smelled like rain and expensive cologne.

 

Dean didn’t ever want to stop kissing Cas, but he needed to breath. He broke away, panting slightly.

 

“I love you, Dean. So much.” Cas reached behind Dean’s neck to pull him in for another kiss, this one much shorter and more chaste.

 

Dean nodded at Cas’ words. “I love you, too.” he promised.

 

Cas inched away from Dean, who was confused by his movements. Dean grew even more confused when Cas pulled a folded up piece of paper from his back pocket.

 

“Cas, what are you doing?” Dean asked. “What is that?”

 

“It’s my test results. From when I went to get checked for STD’s.” Cas responded.

 

He looked scared, and Dean wanted nothing more than to comfort him.

 

“What does it say?”

 

“I haven’t opened it yet. I wanted to do it with you.” Cas responded.

 

Dean nodded, nudging Cas in the shoulder, encouraging him to open the paper.

 

“You do it? I’m too scared, Dean.” Cas pushed the white paper into Dean’s hand. Dean took it from him an unfolded the corners, peeking inside.

 

There was a lot of writing, and he looked over the whole sheet. Cas had gotten tested for a ton of stuff… that could _not_ have been fun.

 

He thoroughly read each part for each infection and was relieved every time at the bottom of the section where it said:

 

**Test results: Negative.**

Dean reached the bottom of the page when the last thing it said was that Cas was currently 100% clean, and he folded the paper back up.

 

“So?” Cas asked, wringing his hands.

 

Dean leaned in for another kiss, sweet and slow.

 

“Clean. Negative. Healthy.” Dean whispered, leaning into Cas’ body.

 

Cas visibly relaxed, which made Dean feel a lot better.

 

“Yeah?” Cas said, smiling wide.

 

“Yeah. Now there’s nothing stopping us. Except time, but….” Dean trailed off.

 

“We can make some.” Cas told Dean.

 

Dean nodded and kissed him again.

 

“The water is nice.” Cas said, punctuating it with a splash, sending water droplets across the top.

 

“It is.” Dean agreed. He folded the paper and put it in his pocket.

 

Cas’ fingers went up to his collar, undoing the top buttons of his black shirt. Dean watched as he uncuffed the sleeves and rolled them down. Cas continued to take off his button down, revealing more flawless inked skin with each one.

 

“Cas?” Dean asked. He didn’t get why Cas was undressing himself.

 

Cas didn’t say anything more, and Dean tensed when Cas started unbuttoning Dean’s flannel.

 

“Shhh, Dean. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Cas promised. Dean trusted him. He let his muscles relax, giving Cas control.

 

Dean felt the pull of the last button, and then the hands were gone. Cas shrugged out of the last bit of his shirt and he went back to Dean.

 

Cas took the shirt off of Dean’s shoulders. It was getting warm out, late May heat making Dean increasingly uncomfortable with two shirts on so he didn’t have an undershirt.

 

So there they sat, bare chested in the dark.

 

Dean reached out to place his hand gently on Cas’ stomach. He felt the slow rise and fall of the breaths that he took.

 

“I want to swim with you.” Cas told Dean.

 

Dean looked up, eyes meeting Cas’.

 

He wanted to _swim_? Here? Now? Outside? Like… with no clothes?

 

Yeah, Dean and Cas were naked together all the time. It was just different. It was one thing to be naked with him in their rooms, under the blankets, in the comfort of their own homes. It was another to be out in the open, where anybody could see, _outside_. He would feel so _bare_.

 

And it wasn’t necessarily about being naked, it was more about showing his skin. Dean knew that nobody was there at the lake. Nobody would see him. It was just the feeling of showing himself. That part of his body was never uncovered. He always kept it hidden, for good reasons. But, he didn’t need to hide from Cas.

 

“You want to skinny dip?” Dean asked for clarification.

 

Cas nodded hesitantly. He took his hands away from Dean’s shoulders.

 

“I mean, we don’t have to. I just thought it would be fun.” Cas told Dean. He looked sincere.

 

Dean made up his mind.

 

“Cas, l want to. You’re right. It’ll be fun. Just, please don’t ask me to talk about my scars. Not tonight. I just want to be with you tonight. Okay?” Dean knew that he and Cas would have to eventually, but he wanted that night to be about them, not him. It just mattered to him.

 

“Can I just say one thing first? You won’t have to talk about it. I just want you to know one thing.” Cas stopped talking, looking expectantly at Dean.

 

“Okay….” Dean agreed.

 

“I… Dean, your scars aren’t pretty. They’re not endearing. Or attractive. But they’re a part of you. And I know that you hate them, try to hide them. When you’re around me, please don’t. It’s hard, I get it. I just want you to be comfortable. And if you’re comfortable wearing long sleeves, then do it. But if not, then don’t make yourself put them on because you think I don’t want to see your scars. Okay? I love you, Dean. I just want you to be happy.” Cas finished what he said to Dean with another splash in the water with his toes.

 

“Okay. Thank you.” Dean replied. He didn’t know what else to say. What Cas said was true. But apparently it was enough, because Cas smiled softly as Dean before getting himself to stand on the dock. He held his hand out, and Dean took it, getting pulled to his feet.

 

Dean brought himself close to Cas, wrapping his arms around those broad shoulders. Dean closed his eyes, feeling Cas snake his hands own to Dean’s waistband. There was the release of pressure from his jeans being undone, and Cas put his hands on the backside of Dean’s pants, slowly sliding them off.

 

Their bodies stayed close as Dean returned the favor, taking his time stripping Cas’.

 

Once their jeans fell to the dock, they stepped out of them and put them in a pile so they wouldn’t fall in the water.

 

“Ready?” Cas asked, grabbing Dean’s hips.

 

“Ready.” Dean nodded, pulling his own underwear down past his feet. Cas followed his actions, taking Dean’s hand when they were both naked.

 

The couple stepped to the edge of the dock. Dean curled his toes over the edge.

 

“On three,” Cas told Dean. “…one…” Dean closed his eyes, “…two…” he gripped Cas’ hand tighter, “…three!”

 

They jumped in the water with a huge splash. Dean felt the cold water cover his whole body. He felt awake, alive, with Cas’ hand tight in his. He stayed under water, loving the feeling of the refreshing lake, but eventually he needed to breathe.

 

Dean kicked with his feet to get to the surface of the water. Cas came up with him, laughing loudly and smiling wide. Even in what little light Dean got from the water and the moon, he could still see the brightness of Cas’ eyes. The blue was intoxicating.

 

Cas brought their intertwined fingers to his lips and he kissed the back of Dean’s hand.

 

“You cold, baby?” Cas asked.

 

Dean _was_ cold. The water was cool on their toes, but felt freezing once they were completely submerged.

 

“Yeah, I’ll get used to it. Come warm me up?” Dean teased. Dean yanked Cas’ hand towards him so that the boy was pulled closer in the water. He ran his hands through the dark, wet mess on top of Cas’ head.

 

Dean tugged Cas closer to the shore so they could stand and keep their hands on each other instead of having to use their arms to stay afloat.

 

Once his feet could touch the mushy sand and Cas was in front of him, Dean put his hands around his narrow waist.

 

“Your eyeliner is running, babe….” Dean told Cas. He tightened his grip on his waist.

 

“Sorry.” Cas frowned, bringing his hand up to wipe it away. Dean caught Cas’ hand and brought it back down.

 

“Don’t be sorry.” he said, putting his hand back around Cas’ hips and waist.

 

Dean lowered his hands a few more inches, creeping onto the top of Cas’ ass. He honestly had no idea what he was doing. Before, Cas had always been the one to initiate the more sexual things.

 

Cas gasped at the touch, looking into Dean’s eyes. Dean felt Cas’ eager hands firm on his hips under the water.

 

Dean wanted to make the first move. He smoothed his hands around to Cas’ front, snaking them in between his long legs.

 

“Okay?” he asked, hovering over his cock.

 

“Okay.” Cas nodded, leaning in to kiss Dean.

 

Dean lost himself in Cas’ lips, but he wasn’t too far gone to forget about what position he was in.

 

He moved his hand about an inch closer, and his fingers touched the smooth skin of Cas’ soft cock. Dean felt Cas tense up, then relax at the contact. Dean moved his hand slightly, stroking hesitantly. He was nervous, he didn’t really know what Cas liked or what felt good for him when he was touched, and he didn’t want to fuck everything up by doing it wrong and then not being able to make Cas come.

 

Oh my _god_ that would be awful.

 

But by the way Cas sighed into his neck, it seemed like he was doing okay. Dean kept touching him, the same way he touched himself. It was weird with the water all around them, but Dean focused on making Cas’ feel good.

 

Dean could feel Cas’ cock get hard under his fingertips.

 

Their foreheads touched together above the water, hot breath on each other’s mouths.

 

Dean tugged and stroked his cock, loving the way Cas started moaning at whimpering at his touch.

 

He was so concentrated on making Cas feel good, he almost didn’t notice a strong hand going down his chest to his crotch. Cas grabbed his cock, stroking him with light, teasing touches. Cas brought their mouths together.

 

Dean reached down with his free hand to play with Cas’ balls, rolling them in his palm. He played with the head, thumb easing over his slit and back again. Cas moaned into his mouth and Dean swallowed it right up.

 

Their mingled breaths were hot and labored. Cas and Dean both sped up their movements, stroking each other faster.

 

Dean felt his chest and face get warm, despite the water they were in. It didn’t even feel cold anymore, his body was so hot.

 

Cas’ hand was tight around his cock and he couldn’t stop himself from moaning at every tug, making him touch Cas harder and sweeter than before.

 

Cas bucked up into Dean’s hand as he pressed their cheeks together.

 

“D-Dean… Dean! Please… I’m so close, I’m so _close_ ….” Cas shook against Dean’s body.

 

His begging made Dean go weak, his head fell onto Cas’ shoulder and he started kissing his neck, which just seemed to make him go wild.

 

Dean felt the familiar tightness and heat fill in his abdomen, his hips stuttered, chest heaving.

 

“Cas, Cas I’m gonna come… I’m gonna come, I’m gonna _come_!” Dean bit into the part of Cas’ body where his shoulder meets his neck which elicited an actual _groan_ from Cas’ mouth.

 

Dean laved his tongue over the bite mark, and Cas grabbed Dean’s hip hard, clutching at the meat of his muscle and barely stuttering out that he was coming.

 

“Dean… Dean, _Dean_.” Cas moaned as he sped up his movements on Dean’s cock.

 

Dean felt overheated and oh- _so_ -good. As soon as Cas said that he was coming, Dean bucked hard one last time into Cas’ tunneled palm and that was it.

 

He was gone, absolutely wrecked. Dean came hard, trembling and gasping into Cas’ ear, letting him know without words how good he made Dean feel. They continued to stroke each other lightly, slowly easing down from their orgasms. It was quiet, all except for the sounds of their ragged breathing. Oversensitivity took over and they took their hands off of the other’s softening cock.

 

Cas broke the silence first. “You bit me hard.”

 

Dean laughed, but also felt kind of bad about that. “Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to.” Dean apologized, making up for it by kissing the spot that he bit.

 

Cas leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder.

 

“How are you feeling, Dean? Was this okay?" Cas asked, looking worriedly at him.

 

Dean put his hands around the love of his life’s neck. “I’m good, baby. I feel good. It wasn’t bad, you made me feel _good_. And I made you feel good, too, right?”

 

He just had to ask, even though it seemed like Cas was liking what was going on.

 

“Yes, Dean. You made me feel _really_ good.” Cas assured him. “I can’t wait to do this with you in a nice warm bed, when we have all the time in the world to do whatever we want….”

 

_Cas is such a tease._

 

Dean agreed, then decided to completely ruin the loving, sexual, blissful moment by jumping up and dunking Cas’ head under the water.

 

He came up coughing, and Dean would have felt bad but then Cas was on him pushing him under, too.

 

They played with each other under water, but when it was time to breathe, they came up laughing.

 

“You’re such a fucking dork, Dean, Jesus! We were having a moment.” Cas playfully punched Dean in the chest.

 

“Yeah, but isn’t this just as good?” Dean asked, laughing.

 

“Only because I love you so much that it doesn’t matter.” Cas told him.

 

He must have seen the adoring look on Dean’s face because he was already trying to take it back.

 

“Awww Cas, that’s so sweet! You’re a little baby angel you’re so cute. You should write me some love poems and send me flowers all the time you’re adorable, Cas.” Dean teased.

 

“Shut up, Dean. And you know I would do any one of those things for you if you asked.” Cas promised.

 

“I know you would. I really do love you, Castiel.” Dean said.

 

“‘Castiel?’” Cas mocked.

 

“What? It’s your full name. I’m allowed to say you’re full name.” Dean deadpanned.

 

“Okay, yeah, but I like the nickname you gave me.” Cas told Dean.

 

Dean smiled. “Okay, _Cas_. We should get ready to go in like a half hour to go pick the kids up.”

 

“Alright, well, let’s make the most of it, shall we?” Cas leaned in to Dean, closing his eyes. Dean followed his lead, eyelids falling down and mouth coming closer to Cas when he got a face full of lake water.

 

“Haha! Gotcha!” Cas yelled, already trying to swim away.

 

“Oh, you’re gonna get it!” Dean called, wiping the water from his eyes and swimming after him.

 

_I'm so glad that my boyfriend is a fucking loser just like me._

  __

* * *

 

 

They played in the water for a while longer, then dried off and picked the kids up when it was time. Sam and Jess walked back to the Impala with wide smiles, holding hands.

 

Nobody talked on the way home, just listened to music with the windows down, enjoying the silence and the warm night.

 

When they got to Jess’ house, Dean watched as Sam got out with her and walked her to the front door. He kissed her before she went inside, and walked back to the car with the dumbest grin on his face.

 

Dean then dropped Cas at home, kissing him goodbye in the car and waiting in the driveway to make sure he got inside okay.

 

When Sam and Dean finally made it to their house, they got inside and into bed without much chat. It was late, they were both tired, and Sam said he’d tell Dean all about it in the morning.

 

Dean went into Sam’s room right as he was getting under the covers, fancy suit over his chair, shoes next to it. He tucked him in, kissed him goodnight, they said their ‘I love you’s and Dean turned out the light.

 

He went into his own room, taking off his clothes and putting on comfortable pajamas. Dean fell asleep quickly, worn out from the time with Cas in the lake. He couldn’t wait until the morning, though, when he could hear all about Sam’s night with Jess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, guys. so just an fyi im going to be posting a valentines day fic on valentines day (ik its obvious i just had to be clear) and i think you should check it out... its got the oh-so-popular jock!dean and nerd!cas and tbh with what i have done so far i think its really cute. 
> 
> so yeah that was this chapter. thanks for reading! any ideas about whats coming next??? you guys seriously have some really good predictions i LOVE to hear them. also iv been in a pretty good mood lately bc basketball is ending soon like next week so i can finally go to track practice, and iv been writing a little more than normal. so see you lovelies next time!!! sending all my love <333333


	41. Prom? Maybe?

**_ Sunday, June 1 _ **

 

Dean woke up at 10:50 in the morning. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching his back. Despite the late night, he felt good and well rested compared to how he usually feels in the mornings, which is overtired and sleep deprived.

 

He got out of bed and padded over to the door, cracking it open just a bit before he went out of his room so that his eyes didn’t get hurt by the light.

 

“Sammy?” Dean called, loud enough that if he were awake he would hear it, but still relatively quiet so that he wouldn’t wake the boy up if he was still asleep.

 

Sam’s head popped out around the corner of his door, hair a mess and eyes filled with sleep.

 

“Hey, Dean. Is it time for breakfast?” he asked.

 

“How about we do brunch in a few?” Dean offered. “We can talk all about your night out over ham and cheese omelets.”

 

Sam smiled, running a hand through his messy hair.

 

“Sounds awesome, Dean, thanks.” Sam added, “Can I help you cook it? I mean, I know that you like to make food… I just wanted to do it with you. If you want.”

 

Dean beamed, closing his bedroom door behind him. “Yeah, Sammy. Come on, I’ll show you how to do it so you can impress Jess with your ability to cook her some amazing food.”

 

Sam blushed, but stepped out from behind his door and met Dean in the middle where they went downstairs and into the kitchen together.

 

* * *

 

 

“Yeah, like that. Just mix it all up and then pour it into the pan once you spray it with this.” Dean told Sam, handing him a can of non-stick oil.

 

Dean watched as Sam sprayed the pan until it was practically dripping, then flopped the yolky egg milk mix into it. Some splashed onto the counter and on the oven outside of the pan, but he did a good job for the most part.

 

He let Sam slowly stir the eggs as they cooked while he cut the ham.

 

After he finished a slice, he realized that when he grabbed the kitchen knife, he didn’t think about putting it to his skin and ripping it up. It was just… ‘Get this knife and cut ham with it’. Not, ‘hey… a knife…’ followed by self-deprecating thoughts and feelings of self-hatred.

 

Dean decided that that was good, he knew that it was another step in the right direction, and he made a mental note to tell Cas about it.

 

Speaking of Cas….

 

Dean got his phone out of his pocket, about to text Cas, when he saw that he already had a message from him at 10:57.

 

**C: Good morning <3**

Okay, Dean knew that Cas was _not_ a morning person, but saying ‘good morning’ at almost 11:00? That was crazy.

 

But also sort of cute.

 

**D: Good morning? What time did you wake up?**

**C: Like right when I sent that….**

**D: You’re a dork.**

**C: Have we covered this subject? I think we have…. Well what time did YOU wake up, Mr. Early Bird?**

**D: Like 3 minutes before you sent me that text. But to be fair I usually get up like 4 hours before you.**

**C: True. Plus we had a late one last night….**

**D: How could I forget? Dude Sam’s being kinda cute right now I’m teaching him how to make an omelet.**

**C: I cannot believe you just called me ‘dude’.**

Dean actually didn’t mean to call Cas ‘dude’. It just sort of came out.

 

He looked over at Sam.

 

“Can I put the stuff in it now?” he asked.

 

Dean took a step closer to the oven burner to make sure that it was time to put all the fix in’s in. Once he was satisfied with the consistency of the egg, he handed Sam the little bowl of extra cheese and ham.

 

“Cool!” Sam smiled, turning around to sprinkle the ingredients in.

 

**D: Sorry, it just happened. I swear I will never call you ‘dude’ again.**

**C: I forgive you.**

**C: So what are you doing today? I know we spent like eight hours together last night but I just want to see you. If you’re spending the day with Sam that’s totally okay.**

Dean thought about it, and he _did_ really want to see Cas again. But, it was up to Sam.

 

“Hey, Sammy? Would you mind if Cas came over? You can say no. This can be our day, if you want.” Dean made sure that Sam knew it was all up to him.

 

“Uhm….” Sam dropped one last piece of ham into the egg. “After breakfast? Or brunch or whatever. I don’t care if Cas comes over after that.”

 

“Yeah? You sure?” Dean double checked.

 

“Positive. You know, I like him.” Sam said matter of factly.

 

“Oh yeah?” Dean chuckled. “Good. I do, too.”

 

Sam just smirked, playing with the eggs in the pan.

 

**D: All good. Come over at like 1?**

**C: Okay. I’ll leave you to have breakfast with Sam, see you soon.**

**D: Bye, I love you.**

**C: I love you, too.**

Dean tucked his phone back in his pocket and turned his attention back to Sam.

 

“Is it done, Dean?” Sam asked, showing him the omelet.

 

“Yeah, Sammy. Good job. Ready to eat?”

 

Sam nodded excitedly, getting plated out while Dean turned the burner off and cut the big piece of egg in half.

 

Once they were seated at the table, Dean asked the question.

 

“So? How was your night?”

 

Sam looked down at his plate, chestnut bangs covering his face. When he looked up at Dean again, his face was bright red and he was holding back the _biggest_ smile.

 

“Come _on_ , Sam. Spill! I want to know how it went. I take it you had a good night?” Dean encouraged.

 

All Sam could do was nod.

 

Dean smiled at his shyness.

 

“It was kind of awkward, at first. We didn’t really know what to do when there was fast music, and even less when there was slow music. Or at least I didn’t. But, then that one song came on by Ed Sheeran, _Thinking out Loud_ , I think. I was sort of done being nervous. I didn’t want to spend the whole night being afraid to do anything, so I took Jess by the hand and started dancing with her. I don’t even know why I was so afraid. She fit right in my arms and her head was on my shoulder. Her hair was in my face but I didn’t even notice.” Sam propped his head up on his hand, playing absently with the table top.

 

“Then, after that, we just danced. The whole night. I didn’t even realize that four whole hours had gone by when they announced that the last song was playing. It was… it was a good night.” Sam finished.

 

Sam’s whole face lit up at the memory, and there was a sparkle in his eyes.

 

“Well, I’m glad you had a good night.” Dean said, giving Sam a good smile. As much as Dean wanted to tease him about being so nervous they day before, he knew that it as best to keep his mouth shut. He took another bite of the omelet that they made together and checked his phone when it buzzed. It was from his mom.

 

**M: Can you do yours and Sam’s laundry? I’m gonna have another late night.**

**D: No problem**

It wasn’t a problem. He just sort of wished his mom would be home to see Sam to bed and kiss them goodnight. Dean slept better when he knew that his mom was sleeping, too. She worked too hard.

 

**M: Thank you. Have a good day, sweetie**

**D: You too ma.**

“Is that Cas again?” Sam asked.

 

“No, it’s Mom. She’s going to be late again tonight and wants me to do the laundry.” Dean told him.

 

Sam frowned. “Again? I feel like she’s always late.”

 

“I know, Sammy. We need the money, though. That’s why I have the job at the shop, anyways. And you know that if she could, Mom would be here right now. She just can’t.” Dean looked down at his plate, empty except for a few scraps of omelet.

 

“You’re right. I just miss her.” Sam confessed.

 

“Me, too.” Dean sighed, then added, “But, hey! We only have two more days of school left until summer. Then we’ll see Mom a lot more during the day and I think she might even get Sundays off.”

 

“Yeah?” Sam asked, sounding hopeful.

 

“Yeah.” Dean smiled softly, grin turning into a full on beam when he saw Sam smile back at him.

  __

* * *

 

 

They finished up breakfast and Sam helped Dean clear the table. After the kitchen was clean once again, Dean checked the clock. It was already 12:45.

 

_Did we really take that long to eat and clean up?_

 

Dean supposed that the actual making of the omelet did take some extra time considering that it was Sam’s first venture into the egg world.

 

He heard a knock on the door, figuring it was Cas even though he was a little early.

 

Dean opened the front door, not surprised at all to see a— _surprisingly_ well dressed Castiel standing in the doorway.

 

He had on his nicest black skinny jeans, no holes, his favorite Doc Martens—a little worn down from him wearing them so much—a form fitting black and gray flannel, and all of his piercings were in, including the eyebrow that he almost never wears… and the black studs through his nipples that Dean could see through his shirt.

 

God _damn_ Dean was never going to get over that. His boyfriend is so hot.

 

Cas’ eyeliner was on thick, too. Heavy black lines contrasted with the brightness of his eyes.

 

He looked incredible. Like that was news.

 

“Uh, I know I’m a little early but I got kinda anxious so I just left a few minutes before normal. I hope that’s okay?”

 

“You’re fine, Cas. Me and Sam are done talking. Come on in.” Dean said, holding the door open for Cas.

 

“Okay, wait just a minute. I sort of want to do this at the door.” Cas told him.

 

Dean was confused.

 

_He wants to ‘do this at the door’? What does that mean? It sounds like he’s going to break up with me. But not after last night…._

“….Okay.” he finally said.

 

Dean watched as Cas took his hand into his own and kissed it.

 

“Dean Winchester, I love you with _every_ _single_ _fucking_ _fiber_ _of_ _my_ _being_. I adore you endlessly, you are constantly on my mind. I can’t look at Gabriel without remembering the time we were at the diner and you found out he was the producer of _Dr. Sexy._ I can’t look at my tattoos without thinking about all those late nights we had in bed, you running your hands along them. It’s impossible to not think about how much I love you every second of every day, because _every second of every day_ my love for you grows. Last night was amazing, and it was even better because when I came home I thought about something. I thought about how lucky Sam and Jess are, to get to go to a dance with the person they care about. Well, guess what, I care about you, Dean.” Cas closed his eyes, Dean felt Cas squeeze his hand tighter, and he went down on one knee.

 

“So, Dean? Will you be my date to senior prom?”

 

Dean was speechless. Up until halfway through his speech he was confident that Cas was going to break up with him. Which, now that he thought about it, was the dumbest thing he could have thought of, ever. Last night they actually talked about how much they loved each other and it was one of the best nights of Dean’s life.

 

But… _senior_ prom? They missed the boat on junior prom. Plus, it wasn’t really a big deal at their school. Asking Dean to senior prom is like a promise to be together for another entire year. _Year_. Dean wasn't thinking that far ahead. Well, sometimes. Sometimes he thought about ten years from now, when he has a job and a house. Ten years from now when he comes home to Cas… and maybe a baby.

 

That’s just in his head, though. What Cas was asking was… real life.

 

But doesn’t Dean want that?

 

“Dean?” Cas asked, looking like a combination of nervous and scared.

 

Dean felt bad for making him wait so long while he thought about everything Cas meant. He brought Cas up back to standing by the hand so they were at eye level again.

 

Cas hung his head, looking down at the ground. He dropped Dean’s hand.

 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to go with me… I totally get it. I mean, I just thought it would be fun because Sam and Jess had a really good time at their dance, and it’s going to be _our_ _prom_ , and dancing with you seems cool even though it’s a year away and –“

 

“Yes, Cas. I would be absolutely honored to go to senior prom with you.” Dean gave him his answer.

 

Cas looked up from his shoes, smiling ear to ear.

 

“You will?” he asked for confirmation.

 

“I will.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand again.

 

Cas sighed in what appeared to be relief.

 

“You scared me, Dean! You didn’t respond for like, five whole minutes after I just told you what you mean to me and how amazing it would be if we could go to prom together! You suck.” Cas folded his arms across his chest, trying to pout but failing and ending up just smiling instead.

 

“Well, sor-ry! I had to comprehend the fact that you just basically admitted to me that you thought we were going to be together a year from now!” Dean half-heartedly defended himself.

 

“Oh, like that’s news!” Cas laughed.

 

Dean was glad that they could get back to their old selves after a dumb misunderstanding.

 

“So…. Prom.” Dean says.

 

“Prom.” Cas nods, smiling.

 

Dean let Cas pull him in for a kiss.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the day flew by, but not as fast as the last two days of school. Summer was upon them, and before he even realized it, Dean was cleaning out his locker and saying goodbye to his teachers.

 

He and Cas got in the Impala, picked up Sam for the last time, and headed to the diner for celebratory ice cream.

 

What a way to start the summer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have it. about 20 more chapters to go, guys! I'll try to go fast. you're so encouraging! also dont forget... my valentine fic is coming!


	42. Exercise and Pie

_** Wednesday, June 18 ** _

 

“Hey, Mom? I want to ask you something.” Dean started.

 

Mary turned around from where she was working on some sort of dough.

 

“Yeah?” she encouraged.

 

“So, uh, Cas has this cabin up in Wisconsin… he invited me to stay with them for a week. I was wondering if you would let me go. I already talked to Bobby about it and I’m going to make up my shifts at the shop when I get back so that’s taken care of. Can I go with?” Dean asked. He knew it was a long shot but being alone with Cas meant that things could… happen.

 

Mary smiled and faced the counter again, going back to kneading the dough.

 

“Sure, honey. Be polite and don’t make a mess. When are you leaving?” Mary asked.

 

_That was easier than I thought._

“Oh, uhm, two days. We’d leave on Friday, and come back the next Saturday night. So, I can go?” Dean asked. He thought his mom would be unsure, him being gone for a whole week with his boyfriend.

 

“You can go. I trust you, Dean. Don’t do anything stupid, don’t get in trouble, and make sure you thank Gabriel for taking you up.” Mary said, rolling the dough out with the rolling pin.

 

Dean smiled, feeling a weight come off of his chest. He took a step towards his mom and wrapped her up in a hug from the side.

 

“Thanks you so much, Mom. I promise we’ll stay out of trouble. Thank you!” Dean exclaimed, punctuating it with a squeeze around Mary.

 

“Okay, okay! You’re going to break me, Dean.” Mary laughed.

 

Dean released his mom, stepping back. “Sorry. I’m gonna go pack!”

 

He ran into his room, smiling at the sound of his mom laughing at him, but then remembered something and came back to the top of the stairs.

 

“Hey, Mom, what are you making?” he called.

 

“Apple pie!” Mary yelled back.

 

“ _Awesome_.” Dean whispered under his breath, skipping back into his room.

 

He got out his phone and texted Cas.

 

**D: My mom said yes!!!! I can go with you!!!!!!!!!!**

**C: Geez, need a few more exclamation marks?**

**D: Hey I’m excited shut up**

**C: I know, me too. This is going to be so much fun! Gabe is going to be in the cabin next to us, we have the other all to ourselves. We can be all alone….**

**D: That’s what I like to hear. So, we’re leaving Friday? What time are we gonna head out?**  
  


**C: Is 9 okay? We want to get there in time to have dinner together before going our separate ways for a few days.**

**D: It’s perfect. I’m gonna go pack, okay? I’ll see you Friday morning.**

**C: Okay I love you baby see you soon**

**D: I love you, too <3**

Dean stuffed his phone back in his pocket and got out his duffel from under his bed.

 

He unzipped it and let it lay open on the comforter. He walked over to his drawers, picking out underwear, socks, and undershirts for sleeping and every day.

 

Then, Dean went to his closet and got enough flannels, long sleeves, and jeans for the trip. When he folded them and put them in the duffel, there was enough room for some more things. He decided to bring two tank tops, two short sleeves, a pair of swim trunks, and a pair of regular denim shorts that he bought because they looked cool. They were too short on him, his scars showed through.

 

If it was just going to be him and Cas, he didn’t need to hide as much as usual.

 

Next, he stuffed in a pair of flip flops that he’s never worn and a jacket just in case.

 

After Dean was satisfied with what he had in his duffel, he laid down in his bed and turned on the stereo, listening to some Led Zeppelin.

 

He started to nod off, happy from being able to go on that trip with Cas, tired from the day before when he and Cas oddly decided to try exercising.

 

Dean doesn’t even know why. He hates exercising. He only does it when he absolutely has to, like in gym. Working at the shop is hard, too sometimes. A lot of the car parts are heavy.

 

They started walking, then they played basketball at the park and helped Sam practice his soccer moves. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty, and a fifteen year old kicked their _asses_. To be fair, Sam was a good player. And he was also in shape….

 

But who needs to exercise anyways?

 

Not Dean.

 

That proved to be true when he put on his running shoes that had never been worn before and hit the pavement with Cas. At first it was fun, they were messing around, teasing each other, racing each other, trying to outrun each other before they decided that it was too fast and they slowed down.

 

And then, shit got real and Dean decided he didn’t want to run anymore.

 

After about fifteen minutes, he started to get really tired and his thighs started to hurt, but when he looked over at Cas, his head was held high and his shoulders were back and he looked like a professional runner.

 

Five minutes later, Dean was breathing heavily and he tried to hide it which just made him breathe even harder because he was trying to keep it in.

 

Plus, to be honest, it was hot out. And he was wearing a long sleeve shirt with these really long basketball shorts that he was only wearing because if he didn’t, his scars would show every time he took a step.

 

Then five minutes after _that_ , Dean couldn’t take it anymore. His mouth was dry, his feet hurt, and his forehead was dripping completely with sweat. Right when Dean was about to give up and just lay down on the ground in defeat, Cas grabbed his hand and slowed them both to a stop.

 

Dean looked over at him and saw that Cas was bent over, holding his knees for support. He was breathing heavily, looking up at Dean as far as he could.

 

“Dean, honey, I… cannot do this… anymore. I don’t know… how you weren’t dying. I can’t… run anymore. So… sorry, I’m not really… in the best shape.” Cas panted, standing up straight and wiping the sweat off his face with his shirt by lifting it up. Dean caught a glimpse of his stomach, tan skin shining with sweat. Not to mention those tattoos….

 

Dean held his finger up, giving himself time to catch his breath.

 

“Honestly, babe, I’ve been dying since like, twelve minutes in. At least. The only reason I kept going was because I thought you wanted to! I would have just stopped if I knew that you were tired, too. Why didn’t you say anything?” Dean asked.

 

“I thought _you_ wanted to keep going!”

 

“Uhm, no way. How did you not hear me breathing so heavily?” Dean swore he was panting like a dog.

 

“Probably because my own breathing was so hard that it was louder than yours.” Cas explained. “But why didn’t you tell me you wanted to stop?”

 

“Because I was trying to _impress_ you with my super high cardio levels. Which I guess I don’t have. And also, I have a new found respect for the cross country kids at our school. _Damn_.” Dean put his hands on his hips and kicked his toe into the ground.

 

“ _Dean_ , you already impress me enough. Every day. Yeah you’re totally right about that cross country stuff. And track. And basketball. That’s a lot of running. And soccer! And football. I don’t know how those people do it.” Cas put his hand up to his forehead to block the sun as he looked up at Dean.

 

Dean huffed a laugh, as much as he could with him being so short of breath.

 

“Okay, that’s over with. So we’re both out of shape. Alright, and we’ve established that, so can we agree to never run again? Ever?” Dean was really hoping Cas would say yes. He never wanted to run. Again. Screw being young and in shape.

 

“Definitely. Let’s just… walk home?” Cas suggested.

 

“I don’t think I could start running again even if I wanted to.” Dean admitted.

 

He turned around, back the way they came, and he put his arm around Cas’ waist. They walked home in silence, still a little too tired to talk that much.

 

Yeah, maybe Dean _should_ want to get in shape, but he doesn’t. That is definitely not going to change any time soon.

 

“Dean! The pie is ready!” he heard his mom call.

 

Dean’s eyes shot open and he ran downstairs. As soon as he got in the kitchen, the warm smell of cinnamon and apples filled his nose.

 

“Mmmm, smells good, Mom.” Dean told her, rubbing his hands together.

 

“Thanks, Dean. I’m gonna head to bed in a few… can you clean up the mess and put the leftovers in the fridge?” she asked.

 

“Of course, Mom. Sleep good.” Dean said, giving her a kiss on the forehead and letting her go up to her bedroom for the night.

 

“Sammy!” Dean called.

 

He came running. “Pie ready?”

 

“What do you think?” Dean asked, gesturing to the warm pastry sitting on the counter.

 

The boys got forks and sat at the kitchen, digging into the pie.

 

Seriously, fuck being in shape and having great abs. He could get them if he _really_ wanted to.

 

As Dean took his first few bites, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he only had about two or three days until he lost his virginity to Cas.

 

There were a few questions that were stuck on his mind.

 

_Will it hurt?_

_What if I can’t take it all right away?_

_What if I’m really bad at blowjobs?_

_How long should it last?_

_What if I change my mind last second?_

_What if I don’t like bottoming?_

_How does it even start? Daytime? Or do we have to wait until night?_

_What if halfway through I decide that I can’t do it anymore?_

_He’s going to use lube, right?_

_Who’s going to make the first move?_

_What if he expects me to do stuff that I’ve only ever seen in porn?_

_What if_ he _changes his mind because I’m not attractive enough?_

Dean was driving himself crazy with questions that wouldn’t be answered until they actually… do the do.

 

Which, just for the record, he can’t wait for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this was short but the next chapter is longer and the chapter after that is probably going to be about 13k or 14k, so i'll make up for it. 
> 
> and also i'm super pumped because i just got back from my first indoor track meet and it was so good the team did really well and i didn't compete because my coach is saving me for the important meets but omg it was so much fun! do any of you guys run track? or any other sport that just gets you so excited? i'd love to hear about it!
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading! love you all <3
> 
> (ps olivia, i swear i didnt forget to send you ugly pics of me and my friends in our uniforms, i left my phone in my backpack at school. i'm definitely texting you tomorrow. plus, me and this guy......... lets just say i have a story for you. love you!)


	43. Sex?

**_ Friday, June 20 _ **

 

Cas and Gabe came at 9:30 Friday morning. While Cas and Dean worked on fitting his bag in the back, Gabe was telling Mary how he would watch out for them and make sure they stayed safe. She seemed to have no problems with it.

 

Once everything was situated, they set out on the road.

 

Nobody sat shotgun. Gabe drove and Cas and Dean sat in the back, cuddling. Every so often, Dean would catch Gabriel looking in the rearview mirror at the couple and smiling to himself.

 

Dean knew how much Gabe loves Cas. It’s just like how much Dean loves Sam. They even had a somewhat similar childhood, with parental death and losses. It must have been hard to lose both of their parents, though.

 

Dean didn’t like to think about what would have happened if his mom wasn’t there as well as his dad. He and Sam would have been split up, torn apart and put into homes.

 

“What?” Cas asked.

 

“Huh?” Dean shifted slightly in the car. He was leaning against the window and Cas was laying down on him, arms wrapped around his waist.

 

“You just got really tense right now.” Cas explained.

 

Oh. Right.

 

“It’s nothing. Just thinking.” Dean said. Well, he wasn’t lying.

 

“Okay.” Cas let it drop. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.” Dean tilted his head down to plant a kiss on Cas’ forehead.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was woken up by a soft hand running down his side.

 

“Dean, baby, wake up. We’re here.” Cas whispered.

 

He opened his eyes to see Cas hovering over him in the backseat of the car. He’d fallen asleep on the drive down to the cabin. Dean just wasn’t used to being in a car for so long when he wasn’t the one to be driving.

 

Dean leaned up a few inches to catch Cas’ lips in a kiss. “Hey,” he looked out the window and noticed that it was dark out. “what time is it?”

 

“It’s 8:00. We left a little later than normal and the drive took longer than we thought. We’re gonna get some takeout, okay? Just gonna have a night in. Later this week we can go out together. Sound good baby?” Cas kissed him on the nose.

 

“Okay.” Dean agreed. He tried to shake the sleep from his mind. He sat up, accidentally bumping foreheads with Cas. “Oh, sorry baby.”

 

Cas waved him off. Dean saw Gabe get out of the car and he did the same, Cas following.

 

The fresh air felt nice and his back straightened out when he finally stood up. Cas came around from the other side of the car.

 

Dean looked up, finally seeing the ‘cabins’ that they were going to be staying at. They were more like twin mini mansions in the woods. Of course, Dean should have guessed that they wouldn’t be little log shacks. The Novak’s had money. Or, Gabriel did. And he liked to spend it.

 

Dean walked over to the trunk of the car where Gabe was getting his bags out. He and Cas got their own duffels out, slinging them onto their shoulders.

 

Before they made their way into their own ‘cabin’, Gabe stopped them.

 

“Hey, guys, okay. So game plan. You guys and I are going to have no contact until Tuesday morning. I mean, unless you want something or whatever. You shouldn’t need anything, I had these places stocked with food before we got here, but it’s just in case. But I’m going to leave you alone. I know you want time to yourselves, and I respect that.” Gabriel pushed his long hair back. Maybe Sam was influenced by that style….

 

“So then, Tuesday night we’re going out to eat together and then hang out on Wednesday and then I won’t see you two again until we head back. Sound good?” Gabe concluded, handing Cas a set of keys, who gave one to Dean.

 

Cas nodded, grabbing Dean’s hand. Dean watched as Gabriel ruffled Cas’ hair.

 

“Okay, and you guys get settled in in your cabin, then come over to mine and the takeout food will probably be ready. See you in a bit.” Gabe nodded to Dean and he disappeared into his cabin on the left, leaving Cas and Dean alone.

 

“So… let’s go inside, yeah?” Cas said, leading Dean towards their own place.

 

“Yeah.” Dean said, letting himself get tugged by Cas’ hand.

 

Once Cas unlocked the door and they both slipped inside, Dean was suddenly overwhelmed with the fact that _he was going to have sex with Cas_. Like, soon.

 

He barely had time to take in the beautiful wooden floors and cozy couches and overstuffed chairs when Cas took his duffel out of his hands and threw it, along with his own bag, onto the ground in what he assumed was the living area.

 

Cas pressed him up against the front door, turning his head to the side and mouthing up Dean’s neck.

 

All he could think about was Cas’ incredibly soft lips on his skin giving him goosebumps and shivers.

 

“C-Cas… we should unp-pack before we go to Gabe’s….” Dean trailed off, forgetting what he was saying while Cas started sucking a mark onto his collarbone.

 

But then his warm tongue and soft lips were gone and Dean was left feeling cold against the door.

 

“Maybe you’re right. I mean, we _do_ have a whole week to do this.” Cas agreed grabbing the bags that he dropped and walking out of the front room.

 

Dean stared at the place Cas _was_ standing before he shook himself out of the trance and followed.

 

He went up the staircase that Cas walked up and found himself in a dimly lit bedroom, watching Cas sit on the bed and open his own duffel.

 

“Come on, let’s just get our stuff in the drawers so we can head over to Gabe’s and eat. I’m starving.” Cas told him, taking out some shirts and walking over to the dresser.

 

Dean grabbed his bag and started taking some stuff out as well, putting them in the drawer beneath Cas’.

 

“You brought some tank tops?” Cas asked.

 

Dean looked down in his hands where he was holding a black tank top and a pair of jeans.

 

“Oh… uh, yeah. I mean, if it’s just going to be us, then I don’t really need to hide, right?” Dean stuffed the clothes into the drawers.

 

Cas smiled and kissed him on the cheek as he went to go get another handful of clothing.

 

“I’m proud of you, Dean,” Cas started. “You’re really getting better for yourself. And that makes me so happy.”

 

“Thank you.” Dean said brushing his hand down Cas’ side. “Really.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dinner at Gabe’s was uneventful. At least to Dean, it was. He was too distracted to think about what was happening while they were eating. He was a little busy thinking about what would happen _after_ the food.

 

When they got there, Gabe had set out the containers of Chinese on the table along with three plates.

 

They each grabbed generous amounts of rice, noodles, and chicken before going out the back door to this little picnic area. The patio was lit up all around so it wasn’t pitch black as they were eating. There was a charming circular glass table with four chairs around it and an umbrella on the top. They sat down and Dean noticed how Cas scooted his chair slightly towards him.

 

As they ate, the trio talked about nothing and everything. They brushed over Gabe’s work at the show—which Dean blushed the entire time they talked about it—they talked about having a joint Winchester-Novak family dinner when they all get back. Dean was _very_ open to that idea. They even talked about Sam.

 

Gabriel said he liked the kid. Like Dean didn’t know that.

 

He didn’t mind how fond of Sam that Gabe has become. He knew that Sam looked up to him, but having Gabe there for another solid role model is even better. He was successful, smart, funny, and he really did care about Sam.

 

“Hey, Dean, how’s Sam’s soccer going?” Gabriel asked.

 

The question sort of caught Dean off guard, he wasn’t really paying attention.

 

“Oh… uh, I… it’s good. It’s almost over. He’s got a game this weekend that I have to miss because we’re here, and one more when we come back. I think that’s it. He’s doing good. Sam’s loving it, and he can’t wait until next year when he can play on the high school team.” Dean told him, smiling to himself at the memory of the time that Cas and Dean went to go see one of Sam’s soccer game back in April. It felt like years ago, when it was really only around two months.

 

“Awesome.” Gabe smiled. “Would you mind if I went with you? I would really like to see him play.”

 

“No, no not at all. I’m sure he would love to have you there. Really.” Dean assured him.

 

Gabe seemed pleased with the answer and they all went back to eating.

 

Dean jumped a little when Cas’ hand rested on his knee under the table, but he relaxed when he realized that it was just him.

 

It started to get later in the night, and the boys both noticed that Gabe started yawning, trying to keep his eyes open.

 

“We should get back to our cabin. Gabe, you drove for, like, eight hours today. You should get some rest. We’ll see you Tuesday morning, okay?” Cas said, standing up from the table.

 

Gabe nodded, obviously exhausted.

 

Dean got pulled up to his feet by a hand from Cas. “Yeah. Thanks for everything, Gabe. I’m really grateful that you wanted me to come with.”

 

Gabe smiled. “Anytime. You’re one of us now.”

 

Dean let Cas lead him back through the house after a quick goodbye to Gabe.

 

They reached their own cabin, stepping inside and kicking off their shoes. It was dark in the front room except for a lamp in the far corner. Apparently Cas didn’t want to turn on the lights because he just tugged Dean up the stairs in the dark.

 

When they got to their room, Cas spoke as he closed the blinds to the sun wouldn’t wake them in the morning. “So, uh… Dean… uhm…. We could go to sleep. If you’re tired. But uh….”

 

“I slept like four hours in the car on the way here, I’m okay. Do _you_ … want to sleep?” Dean asked.

 

“N-no, I slept, too. So….” Cas trailed off.

 

“So….” Dean suddenly felt really awkward and really out of his element. He didn’t know what to do about that situation. They both knew what was going to happen, but they didn’t know how, what the other was thinking, how to start doing it. Dean ran a hand through his hair.

 

Fuck it. Just fucking fuck it all to hell.

 

“So are we going to have sex? If we are, let’s… let’s do it. But if not, then we should go to bed with our pajamas on. I mean, are we going to be wearing clothes or not?” Dean breathed out the words with almost no thought put into them.

 

Cas looked surprised, stuttering over his words. “I—I mean, Dean, yeah…. No! I want to. It’s not necessary, though… unless you want to. We don’t have to I swear we can just go to sleep. Do you want to?”

 

“I… do. I do, Cas. I do.” Dean answered, actually sure of himself. He was standing tall with his hands at his sides, waiting for Cas to do something.

 

“Oh… okay. Then let’s… do that.” Cas said, picking at his fingernails.

 

Dean nodded, swallowing dryly.

 

“Just give me a minute, okay?” Dean said, walking out of the bedroom after Cas nodded his response.

 

Once he was out of the room, he took a deep breath. Dean walked down the hallway, opening all the doors until he found the bathroom.

 

Dean closed the door and locked it behind him. He leaned against the sink and looked into the mirror, breathing heavier than normal.

 

Was he scared? Yes.

 

Does he still want to do this? _Yes_.

 

Dean turned the sink water on as cold as it could go. He cupped his hands under the faucet and splashed the water on his face, repeating it until he felt calm. Dean dried his face on the towel behind him and faced the mirror again.

 

He was ready.

 

And if he was ready, nothing else mattered.

 

Fuck being ‘too young’. Fuck not being married. Fuck there not being a girl in this relationship. Fuck the fact that he’s a virgin and Cas has had sex with girls _and_ guys before. Fuck what happened to him. Fuck Alastair. Fucking Alastair is complete shit to him now. Fuck the fact that he was raped. It changed his life. And now he’s changing it back.

 

Dean doesn’t need to be defined by his scars. He doesn’t need to be defined by the fact that he is a male rape victim. Or that he likes boys. Or that he is a provider for his family when he is seventeen years old. Or that at school he’s sort of a nerd.

 

Dean needs to be defined by himself. What he wants. What he strives for. A good life for him and his brother and mom. He wants LGBT+ rights. He wants _all_ women and _all_ men to be equal. Dean wants Sam to go to college and not worry about his future stability and life after because of the cost. Dean wants his future kids to grow up in a society where there aren’t double standards. He wants his daughter to be able to wear what she wants without being slut-shamed. He wants his son to be able to talk about his feelings without being labeled as a loser.

 

So fuck it. _Fuck_ _it_. Just, fuck it.

 

Dean can do what he wants. And he wants to have sex with his boyfriend, he will.

 

If he doesn’t want to do that, then he won’t.

 

But he does.

 

He really, really does.

 

Dean gives himself one last look in the mirror before storming out of the bathroom and marching down the hall to the bedroom where Cas was, waiting for him on the other side of the door. He just had to open it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry not sorry for the little cliff hanger guys  
> and this was supposed to be up yesterday, sorry for the wait! i got so busy and just forgot. i hope the fact that my next chapter is ~11.5k of porn makes up for it   
> also if you dont like the sex, i definitely wouldnt read that chapter. except maybe like the last few lines after a break.  
> thanks for reading! any comments, questions, concerns? i can answer all of your guys' questions <33333333


	44. First Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaannndddddd here you go!

**_ Friday, June 20 _ **

****

Dean gives himself one last look in the mirror before storming out of the bathroom and marching down the hall to the bedroom where Cas was, waiting for him on the other side of the door. He just had to open it.

Taking a deep breath, Dean put his hand on the door knob and twisted it, pushing the door open slightly. He exhaled and pushed the door the rest of the way open, smiling at the sight of Cas sitting on the bed, facing the door. He had his hands politely folded in his lap, back straight, waiting expectantly.

Dean shut the door behind him as he took four strong strides to close the unnecessarily long gap between him and the love of his life.

Once he reached Cas, he straddled his lap and caught his lips in a hard kiss.

“Dean?” Cas questioned once Dean let his mouth go.

Dean shook his head.

“Cas, I’ve never been this sure of anything in my entire life. Are you ready?” he asked.

Cas just nodded, pushing Dean off of him. Dean was confused for a moment until Cas got up after him and grabbed him by his collar.

“Dean Winchester, I wish to worship your body. I wish to give you myself tonight. Do I have your permission to do those things?” Cas asked, eyes pleading.

Dean knew how much this meant to Cas. To both of them. It was Cas’ first time with someone he cared for and loved, and it was Dean’s first time that he wasn’t being forced into doing it.

Cas was being extra careful about consent, double and triple checking to let Dean know that he was safe.

“Yes, Cas. Yes.” Dean assured him. Cas yanked him in by the collar and contrasted his rough movement by sliding his hands up to Dean’s cheeks and kissing him, warm and soft.

It wasn’t like before. This kiss didn’t end. Dean let Cas’ hands travel down his chest and rest on his hips, and suddenly Dean needed to touch Cas, too. His fingers gently pulled Cas in by his waist, clothed chests flush against one another.

The kissing went on as their hands roamed each other’s bodies, fingers getting tangled in hair, stomachs getting pressed even tighter together.

Cas reached down in between them and gently, carefully untucked Dean’s flannel from his jeans. Dean nipped at Cas’ lip ring as he felt strong hands climbing up his torso, stopping at the very top of his shirt. The buttons came undone one by one. Cas was slow, deliberate in his movements and it was all for Dean.

Finally, the last button was undone and Cas’ hands were inside his flannel, feeling around over his undershirt.

Still kissing, Cas pushed the shirt over Dean’s shoulders and it fell in a heap on the floor. Firm hands brushed down his forearms and to his sides. His undershirt was lifted off of him and left on the carpet with the flannel.

Cas brought Dean’s forearm up to his lips and kissed the skin, running his tongue along the scars. Dean felt his head fall back, too entranced to do anything about it.

Cas’ hands swept over Dean’s exposed chest and Dean’s breath only faltered once… something he was really proud of. He leaned down to kiss Cas again, feeling comfort in his boyfriend’s lips.

Dean felt weird being the only one who was topless, so he reached down and tugged Cas’ shirt up over his head. The fact that they had to stop kissing to do that was made up by the fact that Dean got to see and feel Cas’ bare chest.

As soon as the shirt was off, Dean went right back to kissing Cas.

He loved the kissing. It was always good, but then it just seemed more… intimate. More careful.

Cas was the one to break the kiss. Dean was about to protest, but he was silent once he felt Cas’ soft lips trace down his neck. He thought Cas was going to come back up to kiss Dean again, but he just kept on nipping and licking Dean’s neck.

Dean’s breathy little whimpers turned into moans when he felt Cas suck a mark into his skin. He predicted that he would have hickies everywhere when he and Cas were done. Not that he was complaining.

Cas let go of his neck and turned Dean so he was forced to lay down on the bed, head propped up by pillows. Cas crawled up onto the bed and hovered over Dean. He gave him a reassuring smile and kiss on the lips before his mouth traveled downwards again.

This time, it didn’t stop. He trailed kisses across Dean’s chest and stomach and right above the waistband of his jeans. Dean watched as Cas kissed the button before undoing it. He grabbed the zipper with his teeth and unzipped those few inches so he could tug the jeans off, and it may have been the hottest thing Dean had ever seen.

Once the denim was on the floor, Cas palmed Dean through his underwear. The contact was heavenly. Dean had been hard since Cas grabbed him by his collar and said he wanted to worship him.

Before Dean could enjoy the firm touch of Cas’ hand, it was gone. And so were his boxers. Cas had pulled them off slowly down his legs, almost tickling his toes because he was so gentle.

Dean watched as Cas got back in position between his legs. Dean’s cock was resting hard on his stomach. Cas held it by the base and licked a long stripe up the underside before taking the head into his mouth.

The feeling was nothing that Dean would have imagined.

Cas’ mouth was so wet and warm, his lips were full and soft. Dean’s head fell back against the pillows and his eyes closed without his permission.

Dean forced himself to sit back up and watch Cas, because he was never going to see anything more beautiful.

He couldn’t stop the moans from coming out of his mouth. Cas was doing things to him that he could never think felt this good.

Cas went deeper, taking more of Dean into his mouth. Dean reached down and laced his fingers through Cas’ hair. He didn’t pull, didn’t push, just held them there, feeling Cas bob up and down.

Dean spread his legs even wider, inviting Cas in more. Apparently the dark haired boy noticed, and he went all the way down on Dean before sucking slowly back to the tip and doing it again.

Dean was lost in pleasure. He didn’t know how fast Cas could get him off with a blowjob, but apparently the answer was really fast. He didn’t want to finish early and ruin the whole night, so Dean tapped Cas on the shoulder.

Cas came up off Dean’s cock with an obscene pop that made Dean groan. As soon as Cas’ mouth was gone, Dean missed the wet warmth it provided, but Cas wrapped his hand around Dean’s length and stroked him teasingly slow.

“Is something wrong, Dean?” Cas asked, looking seriously concerned despite the fact that his lips were shiny with saliva and a drop of Dean’s precome was on the corner of his mouth. Cas’ tongue swept out across his bottom lip and Dean watched as he licked up the come.

“N-n-no. I was just… I don’t want to come now. If I come now, it’ll be over before we can get to the good part.” he explained.

Cas smiled.

“Dean, don’t you remember what I said before? I told you that I was going to make you come so many times that you’re not going to want to do anything other than to fall asleep with me because you’re so sated and fucked out. If you come now, I’m just going to touch you until you’re hard again so I can make you come more. It’s okay.” Cas promised.

Dean nodded and Cas went back down again, swallowing him in one go. Dean felt the head of his cock brush against the back of Cas’ throat.

“Fuck.”

He expected Cas to gag or choke or something but he just kept sucking and deep throating him until Dean was completely wrecked.

“Cas… Cas… I’m gonna come. I’m gonna--I’m gonna--” Dean was cut off by his own screams as he came in Cas’ mouth. Dean shut his eyes tight, bucking his hips up and fisting the sheets tightly.

Cas was gentler now that he had come, lightly jacking him off while he sucked on the head of Dean’s cock, helping him come down from his orgasm.

Dean felt himself relax after the intensity that Cas put him in, and he began to feel oversensitive.

“T-too mu-much.” Dean breathed out.

He watched as Cas let his now softening cock go. He licked it one more time from the balls to the tip before climbing back onto Dean and kissing him. Dean slipped his tongue through his lips and moaned at the taste of his own come in Cas’ mouth.

Once they broke apart, Dean felt the heavy yet comforting weight of Cas laying down on him, and the unmistakable feeling of his hard on. Not to mention the fact that Cas was still wearing pants.

Dean immediately felt bad. How could he have forgotten about Cas? This was supposed to be about them, not him.

I mean, yeah, that was the best orgasm Dean had ever had, but that was no excuse to leave your completely amazing, completely beautiful, completely selfless boyfriend still completely clothed and untouched?

Dean sat up abruptly, knocking Cas off of him slightly.

“Jesus, Dean.”

Dean mentally punched himself for doing that, because, seriously, what the fuck? He totally ruined the lazy, hot, blissed out mood they had going. Or that was already ruined, because Cas was still hard since Dean hadn’t done a single thing to make him feel good.

“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to just push you.” Dean apologized, letting Cas sit on his lap, straddling him.

Cas laughed lightly.

“It’s okay.” he assured Dean.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and he jumped slightly when Dean started to unbutton his jeans.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked.

“Oh, nothing, baby. I just forgot about me that’s all.” Cas explained like it was totally okay that Dean didn’t give him any attention.

Dean pulled his jeans and underwear down as far as he could with Cas sitting like that, releasing Cas’ erection. He had to be so hard that it hurt.

“You’re telling me that you forgot about this?” Dean said, taking his cock in his hand. Cas shuddered at the contact.

“Dean, if you haven’t noticed, I get off by making other people get off. I nearly came in my pants when I was blowing you.” Cas leaned back in to kiss Dean, biting at his lip.

“Well, do you want me to do the… the thing that you did to me?” Dean asked, shyer than he would have liked it to sound.

“No. I’m good.” Cas said.

No? No? No? Okay, so, yeah, Dean wouldn’t be that good at it. But, hey, it’s going to be his first time, give him a chance. Why not? He’s ‘good’? What does that mean?

Apparently Dean was making a weird face or something because Cas started giggling at his reaction.

“Not that it’s you, I just don’t like it. At all. Don’t worry. I’m not excluding you personally from sucking my dick. I’m excluding anyone, anywhere, anytime.” Cas told him, tracing little circles on Dean’s neck with his fingers.

Oh. Okay. Cas likes what he likes, and he doesn’t like what he doesn’t like. It’s better than him not wanting Dean to give him a blowjob because he doesn’t trust him or something. If that makes sense.

“So, you like giving it, but not getting it?” Dean asked for clarification.

Cas just nodded.

“Okay, that’s fine. Can I get you off, though?” Dean ran his hands down Cas’ chest.

“Yes. Please.” Cas said, getting off of Dean for long enough so he could take his jeans and underwear the rest of the way off his legs.

Once he was settled down back in Dean’s lap, Dean ran his hands down Cas’ sides and stomach, bringing his fingers to his shoulders and down again.

He noticed that Cas moaned audibly when he ran his hands down the middle of his chest, over his nipples.

Dean went back up his chest, slowly, determined to get Cas to make the same beautiful noise. Sure enough, he closed his eyes and his breath hitched, letting out a small whimper.

His fingers found Cas’ nipples and he pinched them lightly. Cas’ back arched, forcing his chest into Dean’s hands harder.

“Oh my god, Dean.” Cas moaned, grabbing on to the side of where Dean’s neck and shoulder meet.

“Sensitive?” Dean teased. He leaned down a little and kissed around his right nipple, barely touching it, and circled the left with his finger.

“Dean!” Cas jumped in his lap.

Dean looked down between them. Cas’ cock wasn’t just hard, it was leaking precome all over his stomach and it twitched when Dean ran his thumb over Cas’ nipples.

Leaning down again, Dean took Cas’ nipple in his mouth and pinched the other one so they were even. Cas was moaning Dean’s name and writhing in his lap, squirming for friction on his cock.

“I’m so close, Dean. So close….” Cas breathed, tightening his grip on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean let Cas’ chest go, but just for a second so he could drag his fingers through the precome on his stomach and circle his nipples with it. Dean gasped when Cas unexpectedly pulled Dean tight against his chest, which made Dean pinch his nipples even tighter.

Cas trembled in Dean’s lap, breathing heavily and gyrating his hips slowly. “Dean!” he bit into Dean’s shoulder as he came.

Dean reached down to stroke Cas through it, gently pulling until he calmed down and slumped against Dean’s chest.

Okay, so Cas’ nipples were sensitive. But so were Dean’s, and he was pretty sure he couldn’t make himself come from just playing with them. Dean stretched his arm around Cas to rub his back soothingly, kissing his forehead and cheeks and ears as he caught his breath.

Once Cas sat up straight, Dean kissed him on the mouth and patted his belly. “I had no idea you were so sensitive, Cas.” Dean said, running the flat of his palms over Cas’ chest.

“It’s not me. Well, obviously it is. I mean, I’m so sensitive because I have my nipples pierced.” Cas confessed.

“Shut the fuck up. You do not.” Dean looked at Cas disbelievingly.

“Yeah, I do. I have some rings in the car, actually.” Cas told him.

“How come you didn’t tell me before? When we met and you told me all about your piercings?” Dean asked.

“Oh, yeah. Like I was going to tell the guy I had been crushing hard on for a day that I had my titties pierced. I’m sure that normally goes over well.” Cas stated sarcastically.

Dean laughed. “Good point. But I’m expecting you to get them tomorrow when we’re done here.”

“I promise.” Cas smiled.

“I cannot believe you have your fucking nipples pierced. This is ridiculous.” Dean muttered, half under his breath.

“Shut up, Dean! It looks cool, okay?” Cas defended himself.

“I bet it looks incredible. Everything on you does.” Dean was pleased with how relaxed he had become. He came into the bedroom tense and a little pissed off, to be honest, but Cas made him feel boneless and safe.

“Obviously, because I’m flawless, right?” Cas said, gesturing his hands like he was presenting himself.

“Absolutely right.” Dean leaned in and kissed his neck.

“Hey, Dean?”

“Yeah?”  
  


“Wanna try rimming?” Cas asked.

Dean actually did. Well, he was willing to try anything once. As long as he wasn’t tied up.

“I uh, I do. I want to try that.” Dean responded.

Cas smiled. “Okay. If you don’t like it, we can stop, alright? Just tell me.”

“Okay.” Dean agreed.

Dean watched as Cas got off of Dean’s lap. He leaned Dean back against the pillows again. “Turn over,” Cas nudged Dean’s thigh with his knee. Dean turned onto his stomach and let Cas spread his legs. He was exposed in a way that he’d never felt before, but it wasn’t bad. He trusted Cas with his life.

So there he was, laying on his front, frog legged with his boyfriend between his thighs. Cas placed a pillow under his hips so that his ass was a little higher in the air.

“It’s not going to hurt, I promise. It might feel a little weird at first, but eventually it feels really good. Are you ready?” Cas asked.

Dean shifted his hips and legs a little to get more comfortable on the bed. “Yes, I’m ready.”

He could feel Cas move closer behind him. Dean expected to feel something right away, and he was surprised when all Cas did was kiss his lower back. He rubbed his ass cheeks in big, round circles. Dean felt himself relax when he realized that Cas really was going to take this slow.

“That’s it, baby. Just relax….” Cas trailed off as he spread Dean’s cheeks.

Dean knew that he was completely exposed and that he had nothing to hide from Cas, but then he realized that he didn’t want to hide. He didn’t need to hide. He let himself sink into the mattress, finally at peace with everything.

Dean closed his eyes as Cas pressed his kisses lower, down Dean’s back and to the top of his ass. He moved his lips from the top to the middle, kissing down Dean’s crack.

As soon as his lips brushed Dean’s hole, Dean tightened up. Cas ran his hand along the back of Dean’s thigh.

“Shhhh, it’s okay. Just breathe, alright? You’re fine.” Cas soothed.

Just hearing his voice made Dean untense his muscles.

“There you go, you’re being really good, Dean.”

Dean took a deep breath and settled down again. Cas spread his cheeks apart again before putting his face right in between them and licking a long, flat swipe down the center.

Dean gasped. His tongue was wetter and rougher than he thought it would be, but it made his thighs tingle and he shivered.

“You ever play with yourself here?” Cas asked, massaging Dean’s hips and lower back.

Dean hadn’t dared touched himself there after what happened with Alastair. Before then, he’d only done it once. Dean thought that after he was raped it would hurt and nothing would ever feel good, and that scared him. So, he never even tried it.

“N-no.” Dean answered truthfully. He put his head down in the pillows and wiggled his backside a little, shifting for comfort.

Cas traced a finger down his spine, stopping and circling each bone.

Dean felt his tongue again, a long, flat lick going up his crack.

“Just relax. Enjoy it.” Cas soothed. Dean nodded, but before he could respond verbally because he knew that Cas probably couldn’t see his head move, Cas’ tongue was circling his hole, making Dean grip the sheets tight and moan.

He expected Cas to stop and say something to him, but he just kept licking around his hole, not doing anything yet to get inside, but pushing just enough that there was pressure. Dean felt Cas push his thighs up, forcing him to be spread as wide as possible.

The feeling of being open like that, with Cas in between his legs and making him feel things that good was freeing, in a way. He never thought that anything would ever feel good down there for him, not after Alastair. Dean shook the thoughts of that awful person out of his mind, and thought instead of the love of his life behind him, making him feel good with his mouth.

Yet, there he was. Dean was there, laying on top of the sheets completely naked with his equally nude boyfriend who was eating him out for the first time because he was about to lose his virginity, and it felt amazing.

Cas was being gentle but persistent, slowly easing his tongue into Dean’s hole one bit at a time. Dean felt hot, his chest feeling tight and his cock hardening again despite the fact that he just came. Cas’ mouth was warm and wet and his tongue felt soft yet firm as he eased it past Dean’s rim.

“Mmmmm, Cas.” Dean moaned. He pushed his face in the pillows, relaxing his whole body. “Feels good.”

That seemed to encourage him, and Cas buried his tongue into Dean’s hole, pulling it out a little before fucking it back in. Dean was shaking, loving the feeling of Cas licking into him and the barely there friction of the soft comforter on his cock. Dean knew that some people liked to get completely taken apart by someone else like this, but he had no idea that it would feel that good. He sort of thought like it would feel like nothing. Just like a tongue on his ass. And it was, but it was more than just that. Maybe it was just the fact that it was Cas who was touching him like that, maybe it was that Dean was really sensitive down there. All he knew was that Cas was making him tremble and and moan and his hands felt sweaty and he really wanted to come but the edge was making everything so much sweeter.

But suddenly his tongue was gone, and with it, his warmth.

“Do you like it?” Cas asked.

Dean turned his head a little so he could see Cas.

Did he like it? Did he like it? Are you fucking kidding me?  
  


“That’s what you stopped doing… that to me for? Dude! I swear to god I thought I was going to come in five more seconds on your tongue alone and you stopped to ask me if I liked it?” Dean groaned when his hips accidentally shifted and his cock rubbed against the blankets.

“Sorry? I wasn’t sure if you were going to tell me if you were actually comfortable with this or if you would still let me do it even though you don’t like it so I just decided to stop and ask you.” Cas explained, rubbing his thumbs in little circles on Dean’s thighs.

Dean laid his head back down into the pillows and sighed.

“I’m sorry. You’re right, I just got all worked up and I’m sorry for snapping at you. And now ruining the mood.” Dean mentally kicking himself for that. Of all the times he could have fucked up and didn’t, now was the time to actually wreck things?

Cas laughed and surprised Dean by licking another stripe up Dean’s hole. “You didn’t ruin the mood. I bet I can still make you come on my tongue. Wanna try?” Cas teased, licking around Dean’s rim.

“Fuck, yes.” Dean moaned, wiggling his hips for Cas.

“Good boy.” Cas rubbed Dean’s back with one hand and started playing with his balls in the other, using his mouth to make Dean squirm and twitch.

Dean smiled at the praise and felt his body sink back into the mattress as Cas began to fuck him with his tongue again. It gave Dean a sort of loose feeling, even though he knew that he needed a ton of prep before Cas could put his dick anywhere near Dean’s ass.

He could feel the vibrations of Cas moaning on his bottom and it felt like the sounds traveled through his entire body.

Just for a second, just one second, Dean wondered how many people Cas had slept with before. He obviously knew what he was doing when he was giving Dean a blowjob and now Dean was curious who his first one was for.

Who was the person that was giving Cas head when he decided that he didn’t like it? The first person that Cas had eaten out? How many people have gotten what Dean got to get right now? How many girls had he been with? Boys? Who did he lose his virginity with?

But then, Dean realized that it didn’t matter. It didn’t. Sure, maybe he wished he could give Cas his first sexual experience. Then again, this wasn’t Dean’s, either. It was just his first good one. He couldn’t help but compare himself to the others before him, even though he knew that he didn’t know any of them. When they were all done, Dean was going to ask what he was like before they met. Before he moved. Why when he took Dean home the first night, Gabe thought they were going to have sex. He just wanted to know.

All of that was wiped from his mind as Cas swirled his tongue around inside of Dean’s hole. He really thought he was going to come, his hips were barely grinding against the sheets and he wished that they were just a bit rougher so he could get a little more friction on his cock.

“Cas… Cas please don’t stop. I’m close, I’m so close….” Dean panted, biting the pillow on top of the pile with his teeth. Dean felt his toes curl, his shoulders tensed and he let out a long, loud moan that he tried to stifle unsuccessfully with the pillows. His stomach clenched tight and his body felt hot all over as he came, wet and sloppy onto the once clean sheets.  Dean’s chest was overheated and his cock was twitching against the mattress as he grinded his hips down onto it.

Cas kept licking and tonguing at his hole as Dean’s loud moans turned into soft whimpers. Once his breathing returned to normal and he could feel the warm, sticky mess on his stomach and the comforter, Dean slowly eased his bottom forward, away from Cas’ mouth, but the raven haired boy grabbed onto Dean’s ass and kept fucking his tongue into Dean.

“Cas, you can stop, now. Actually, please do. I’m super oversensitive here right now.” Dean mumbled, face still stuck in the pillows. His mouth was really dry from having fabric in it for about fifteen minutes.

Dean sighed in relief when Cas moved his head away so Dean could flip over and face him. Before he could say anything, Cas was holding him down by the hips and licking up and down Dean’s stomach.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked. He wasn't going to stop Cas, he was just curious.

“I have to get all your come before it dries on you,” Cas explained like it was nothing. He took Dean’s cock in his mouth and sucked the length to clean it off. Dean guessed he still had a confused look on his face because Cas smiled and clarified, “and I like the taste of come.”

Yeah. That cleared it up pretty well.

“Oh, o-okay.” Dean stuttered out. He still felt all loose and warm from his orgasm and his chest felt like it was sinking into the bed.

“Do you think that’s gross?” Cas asked, looking up. He licked his lips.

“No, it’s not gross. I can get why some people think it is, but I don’t. It’s kinda hot, actually.” Dean answered truthfully.

Cas smiled and licked one long stripe up the middle of Dean’s stomach. “How do you feel?”

“I feel good. I feel tired. Like in a good way, though. Like I want more. Not like I want to go to bed.” Dean corrected himself. He somehow managed to get the courage to add, “And like I want you to fuck me now.”

Cas looked like he couldn't believe what had come out of Dean’s mouth, and to be honest, Dean couldn't either.

“Ah, okay. We can… do that. I just… uhm,” Cas looked down between their legs at his hard cock. “I’m really worked up right now and I uh, I want this to last for you so, so I think I should, I should--”

“Do you want me to make you come so you won’t do it too soon once we actually start fucking?” Dean cut him off, trying to put Cas out of his misery.

“Yeah, basically.” he answered.

“Fine by me,” Dean replied. “how do you want it?”

“Touch my nipples again, Dean. Please.” Cas sounded desperate.

Dean obeyed, sliding a little closer to Cas before kissing him and running his hands up to Cas’ chest. The positioning was a little awkward, so Dean turned Cas around so he was in the spot that Dean had just been in, on his back.

He crawled over Cas’ middle, hopefully not in a creepy way, and rested the center of his body on to Cas’, stretching his legs on either side of Cas so he didn’t put all of his weight on the boy. Dean was at eye level with Cas’ chest, one hand on the right side of it, sort of bracing himself, and the other in between Cas’ legs, lightly brushing up and down the side of his cock.

Dean kissed the center of Cas’ chest before he decided that Cas had waited long enough to come. He started pinching Cas’ right nipple and he took the left on his lips, lightly sucking before he got the motions right and began to completely ravage the sensitive nub. Cas leaned his head back and brought his arms around Dean’s shoulders, keeping him close. As if Dean would ever want to go away.

He put more pressure on Cas’ cock, loving the way he could make him pant out little breathy moans and dig his fingers deeper into Dean’s back. He was okay with Cas squeezing there. His upper back was just about the only part of him that didn’t have any scars, mostly because he couldn’t reach it.

Cas tried to push his hips up into Dean’s hand, but Dean held him down, keeping his slow, steady pace. Cas moaned, pushing his head down into the pillows and exposing his neck. If Dean’s mouth wasn’t so preoccupied with Cas’ nipple, he would pounce on the smooth skin in a heartbeat. Giving Cas hickies was one of Dean’s favorite things. Putting little bruises on his clear flesh was sort of satisfying, in a weird way. Plus, Cas gasps and his whole body twitches when Dean’s sucking on his neck.

Dean pinched a little harder, stroked a little faster, and ever so gently grazed Cas’ nipple with his teeth and he felt Cas’ body go rigid, every muscle tensing up and his hips came off the bed, he moaned, coming in Dean’s hand. After what Dean thought was a few minutes, a long few minutes, he relaxed, making Cas sigh when he hit the bed again.

Dean let go of his chest with both his fingers and mouth. He scooted up towards Cas and, with his non come covered hand, stroked down his cheek. Cas was still breathing hard, eyes closed.

“Hey,” Dean said in a soothing voice. “I love you. You okay, baby?”

Cas opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. His dark hair was a mess, in complete disarray from rubbing it against the pillows and Dean running his hands through it. Dean noticed for the first time that his eyeliner was smudged a little. Of course, it was unfairly adorable.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. I’m amazing. I’m so good, Dean. Sorry, I just… I…. Nobody has ever touched me like that before. Besides me, I guess. I didn’t want to tell anybody that I’ve been with before that I was sensitive there because to girls, it’s a feminine thing, and most of the guys I’ve been with have been completely submissive, which meant that I was the one playing with their nipples. I didn’t mind it, not at all. I loved making them feel good. It’s just nice to have what I really wanted now, with you.” Cas confessed.

So, Dean was the first. He had a first. Nobody else got to touch Cas there before, just Dean. Just him. Dean smiled and leaned down to kiss Cas, just a short chaste peck on the lips.

“I’m sorry for getting your hand dirty.” Cas apologized.

“It’s okay. I got the sheets dirty.” Dean reassured him. Plus, he didn’t feel dirty. It felt good, sort of. Like he made Cas feel so good that he came. The come on his fingers meant that he could please his love. It wasn’t dirty at all.

Cas smiled. “Want me to clean it up?”

“Uh, sure, I guess.” Dean replied.

He wasn’t grossed out by it, but it would be nice to be able to run his hands through Cas’ hair without there being blobs of come getting stuck in his dark locks.

Dean expected Cas to get a paper towel or something to wipe it up, but he just took Dean’s hand to his mouth and licked up his thumb, sucking the tip into his mouth. Dean couldn’t hold in his moan at the sight of Cas lapping at his own come like it was candy. He repeated the act of licking the finger before sucking it into his mouth until he had gotten all five of them past his lips and he licked Dean’s palm clean.

“Thanks….” Dean offered. He didn’t know what else to say.

Cas just laughed and kissed Dean, really kissed him. His lips and his tongue tasted like come.

Cas broke away from Dean. “So? Are you still ready?” he asked.

Dean thought about the question. Like, really thought about it.

And he thought he was doing good. Actually, really good. He hadn’t even thought about Alastair the whole night, except for the beginning when he was sort of forced to remember. Dean was totally comfortable with being with Cas, and it made it even better that he was learning about the other boy, too. Like, how Cas doesn’t like blow jobs. And how he really does like his nipples being played with. Knowing those things just made doing all of that with Cas so much easier.

“Yes. Yes, I’m ready.” Dean nodded at his own answer, proving to himself that he really does mean it.

Cas smiled softly, but then his face went serious as he spoke. “Dean, this time you really need to tell me of you’re uncomfortable. Even slightly, I’ll change what I’m doing to make it better. I promise to try my best to get you ready and prepared, as long as you promise to talk to me, tell me if you’re okay. Okay?”

If Dean began to feel uneasy about whatever Cas was doing, he liked to think that he’d speak up, but he knew that it was more likely he would try to tough it out until something became unbearable. Obviously, Cas wouldn’t like that very much. He tried to realize that it really was important for both of them, and when he was sure, he nodded.

“Yeah. I promise. I’ll talk to you.” Dean swore. He really would try.

Cas looked relieved. “Thank you. Now, get off of me. I have to go get some stuff.”

“Stuff?” he asked as he moved to the side, freeing Cas.

“Like lube and more lube. And I think we should take the dirty blankets off the bed, just be on the sheets.” Cas offered.

“Oh, okay.” Dean agreed. While Cas went to go get the ‘stuff’ from his bag, Dean made a quick work of the bed and stripped it until just the base sheets were left. That made more sense, the other blankets had come all over them and were half off the bed anyways.

Cas came back to the bed, blue bottle in his hand.

“How do you want me?” Dean asked.

“Just get comfortable, okay, baby? I think this might take a long time.” Cas told him honestly. “I have to make sure you’re really ready.”

Dean understood. He knew first hand how bad it could be. He got into position on the bed, deciding to get on his hands and knees. Usually his knees start to hurt, but the bed was so soft that he didn’t think it was going to get bad.

He spread his knees a little, bending down so that his weight was mostly on his elbows, but also supported by the pillows. Dean felt Cas get behind him, running his hands down his hips. He changed his mind.

“Wait, wait. Let me lay down. I don’t think I can hold this that long anymore.” Dean moved slowly, waiting for Cas to get out of the way before he could flip over onto his back.

“Oh, okay, that’s fine,” Cas said, readjusting, “are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m just trying to get comfortable. Why?” Dean asked.

“I was just making sure you’re still sure and not having any second thoughts. You’re not, are you?” Cas rubbed his hand down Dean’s stomach.

“No, no. Of course not.” Dean answered honestly. He wasn’t, he was just a little nervous. But he knew that he wanted to do this. Dean was in love with Cas. And he didn’t think he would ever fall out of that love. He wanted Cas. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Cas kissed the side of Dean’s hip, trailing his top lip down to his knee. He put a pillow under Dean’s hips and lower back to make prepping him easier.  “Dean, I’m going to tell you what I’m going to do before I do it so that you can either know it’s going to happen and be ready or tell me that you don’t want me to do it.”

Dean just nodded and let his head lay back against the pillows, legs falling open lazily. He heard the pop of a cap and a slick rubbing sound, probably Cas opening the lubricant.

“I’m going to get you ready first. I’m only using one finger, okay? I’m going to go really slowly. Just relax.” Cas massaged the backs of Dean’s thigh with one hand.

Dean shifted his hips a little, just getting more comfortable. He felt a warm, wet pressure on his hole. It was there, rubbing circles gently, but it didn’t push farther too fast. His finger was slow but persistent, barely pressing.

Dean groaned as Cas’ first finger opened him up. It didn’t hurt. Not at all like last time. Not at all. It felt different, weird, and maybe there was a slight stretch, but no pain was present. Dean held his breath, forgetting that he promised to talk to Cas, letting him know what was going on in his mind.

“I’m good. You can keep moving.” Dean assured him.

He braced himself as Cas started a steady motion, slowly and gently pulling his finger out and pushing it back in. Dean noticed that Cas was crooking his finger slightly.

“How come you’re moving your finger like that?” Dean asked.

“I’m trying to find your prostate.” Cas answered, like he was so determined to do so.

“Oh. Okay.” Dean responded shakily.

He closed his eyes, trying to sit back and enjoy it, but everything just felt so… weird. Dean was about to ask if it was supposed to feel like that when Cas brushed against something inside of him and he tensed, grabbing the sheets and moaning.

“Feel good?” Cas asked.

“Mhm. Do it again, please.” Dean breathed, feeling his whole body get warm and flushed.

Cas tilted his finger in the same way, forcing a low, breathy moan from Dean’s lips.

Dean tried to push his hips back into Cas’ finger, but all he could to was uselessly shake and tremble, fingers still bunched in the sheets. Cas went back to fucking Dean with his finger, starting out extremely slow but picking up the pace when Dean started to relax and open up more.

“Cas…. Cas I can take another one.” Dean panted slightly.

He was honestly trying really hard to not show how much this was affecting him, but he was failing miserably. He felt so sated and calm, but at the same time he felt like he was going to come any second and scream at the top of his lungs.

Dean shifted his hips a little, moving them towards Cas.

“Are you sure, Dean? We can take as much time as you want.” Cas assured him.

“I’m ready. I want another.” Dean replied. He was suddenly so sure of himself.

He didn’t miss the way Cas sped up his movements into Dean for just a few seconds while he grabbed the lube with his other hand, just trying to get him as ready as possible.

Dean lifted his head up so he could see Cas spread a generous amount of lube onto both of his fingers and again to Dean’s rim. It must be the kind that warms up when you touch it because Dean always thought it would feel cold, like lotion or something.

He put his head back down on the pillows and closed his eyes, bracing himself. Dean didn’t think it would be unbearable, but he knew that two fingers was going to be different than just one. He felt Cas hit his hole and slowly ease his fingers inside, barely pushing but still stretching Dean out.

He was right. Two fingers were way different than just one. It wasn’t something that he couldn’t handle, but the stretch was uncomfortable.

“Talk to me, Dean.” Cas said, once both of his fingers were all the way in.

Oh, yeah.

“Wait. Don’t move yet. Just let me get adjusted.” Dean wiggled his hips a little, trying to get comfortable with Cas’ fingers. After about two minutes, he felt the stretch fade away and it was replaced with a need to be stimulated. His cock was still hard, despite the slight pain, and ever since Cas touched his prostate, Dean felt like he was on edge. He wanted to buck up and find some friction, but there was nothing there.

“You need to come? Huh?” Cas asked, smoothing down Dean’s stomach, so, so close to touching his cock.

“Yeah, Cas. I need you to make me come.” Dean begged, spreading his legs farther.

“Okay, baby. I’m gonna make you come. I’m gonna make you feel good.”

Although the feeling of a warm hand on his cock felt like heaven, Dean grabbed Cas’ fingers to keep them from moving.

“Dean?” Cas asked, confused.

“I want to come on your fingers. I want you to make me come by fucking me open. Can you? Please.” Dean whimpered.

Cas took his hand away from Dean’s cock and rested it on his thigh. “Tell me when.”

“Now,” Dean cried, reaching up behind him to grab the headboard so he didn’t lose himself.

Cas started slowly again, barely moving until he thought that Dean was ready enough so he could go fast. After what felt like an eternity, Cas was finally fucking Dean with his like he wanted. It was fast, and he was hitting his prostate almost every time, rubbing it between his fingers and making him moan relentlessly.

Dean felt like nothing he ever had before. He was so close, just right on the edge of coming, but he just needed a little more speed, a little more pressure, a little more everything.

“M-more, Cas, please!” Dean arched his back, feeling his orgasm right there.

Cas seemed to happily oblige, going deeper inside Dean and picking up the pace ever so slightly. Dean gasped at the change, gripping the headboard tighter. He slammed his head back down, eyes closing tight and hips trembling.

Dean bucked his hips up hard as he came, cock twitching, moaning Cas’ name and tensing his whole body up before he fell back down to the bed. He grinded down slowly on Cas’ fingers, loving how loose and just good he felt. Dean noticed how he was now covered in his own wet come, cock pulsing, but he was just too sated and euphoric to care.

“That’s it, Dean. Good boy. You look so beautiful right now. Did that feel good?” Cas kept fucking his fingers in and out of him, but slower, gentler.

“S’good. You make me feel so good, Cas.” Dean shuddered when Cas hit his prostate. He felt hot and blissful and completely loved in every way possible.

“I love you, baby.” Cas whispered.

Dean opened his eyes to see Cas bent down over Dean’s stomach, mouthing at his skin and licking up all of his come.

“Thank you, Cas. Thank you.” Dean let go of his tight grip in the sheets to wrap his long arms around Cas’ shoulders, pulling him up on top of him. He groaned when the sudden movement made the two fingers that Cas still had stuffed inside of him brush against his prostate. Even though he already came, Cas was still slowly fucking him, barely spreading his fingers to get Dean to open up more.

“Don’t thank me, Dean. I love you and I want to make you feel good. Do you think you can take one more finger? After you came, you relaxed a little more and I think you’re open enough to take another. If you feel like you can do it. Just one more and then you’ll really be ready.” Cas said, holding himself up over Dean with one arm while the other was in between Dean’s legs.

Dean could feel Cas’ warm breath on his lips. He leaned up just an inch to catch his lips in a short kiss. Dean moaned when he tasted his own come on Cas’ tongue.

“I’m ready. I can do it. Get me ready for you, Cas. Get me ready for your cock.” Dean breathed, licking Cas’ bottom lip.

Cas kissed Dean one more time before moving down Dean’s body and settling himself in between Dean’s legs once more. Dean laid back again, hands back in the clean--for now-- sheets. He heard Cas open the bottle of lube and felt his fingers slide out of him so that he could get them wet for him again. It sounded slick, the little sounds of Cas rubbing the lube on his fingers and the warm feeling of his wet fingers circling his rim.

Yeah, there were definitely three fingers there.

“You ready, baby? Ready to get all stretched out for me? Gonna feel so good, Dean.” Cas was still just rubbing his hole, and Dean began to feel desperate.

He needed that third finger.

He needed Cas getting him ready, stretching him wide open for him.

He needed Cas’ cock in him, making him feel good and making him come again.

“Stop teasing me, I need you.” Dean begged, wishing he had something to grab onto other than the pillows and blankets. He felt for something above him, but he had shifted slightly and now the headboard was just out of reach and his hands fell uselessly to the bed once more.

Cas circled Dean’s wet rim one more time before slowly, so, so slowly, sliding his fingers into his hole.

Dean groaned.

Okay, it hurt. It hurt more than two. It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle, but it really was painful. He tried to relax a little more, focusing on how good he knew it would feel when he was ready to get fucked by Cas.

“You okay, baby?” Cas ran his clean hand down the inside of Dean’s thigh.

Dean nodded slowly, already feeling some of the discomfort slip away. Cas wasn’t pushing him, no, he was just slowly twisting the fingers around in his hole. “Yeah, Cas. I’m okay. Just go slow. It’s a little painful, just go slow.”

“I can go as slow as you need, baby. Are you sure you don’t want me to stop? I can take my fingers out and we can try again later.” Cas kept his hand still.

“No, no. I want this now. Really, it’s not that bad anymore. It’s just a stretch and a little discomfort.” Dean assured him. It really wasn’t too bad anymore, he was starting to feel looser. “Okay, you can move your fingers a little. Just slow.”

Dean winced as Cas barely pulled them out before pushing them back in, gentle and slow. As he repeated this movement, Dean started to really loosen up and enjoy it like he had with just two fingers.

When the pain had completely subsided, Dean started to moan and thrust back on Cas’ fingers. “More, Cas. Please, more.”

Cas crooked his fingers, hitting Dean’s prostate and making him tense up for a seconds before he went back to lying bonelessly on the bed while Cas fucked him faster with his fingers.

He had no idea how long it was before he was finally ready for Cas, really, really ready for him, but it felt like a lifetime and one second at the same time.

Cas didn’t stop fucking Dean, he kept up the fast pace that was driving Dean crazy. “You think you’re ready, Dean? Think you’re all stretched out? You feel so loose on my fingers. Tell me, baby, do you want me to fuck you now? Or do you need more? Such a good boy for me.”

Dean moaned. Who knew that Cas could dirty talk like that?

Dean didn’t even have to think about his answer. “Yes. I’m ready for you to fuck me. Please fuck me, Cas. I want you so bad.”

Being spread out on the bed like that, all open, having Cas settled in between his legs, telling him that he’s such a good boy and feeling so fucked out from coming so many times but still being hard made Dean feel things that he’s never felt before.

He felt… attractive. Hot. Sexy. Desirable. All things he’s always wanted to feel but never had because his mind wouldn’t let him.

Cas was making him feel that way. He was calling him sweet names, like baby and Dean loved it when he said Dean was a good boy. The words just rolled so smoothly off his tongue. He was a good boy.

Dean was so relaxed that he barely heard Cas ask him a question.

“Sorry, what?” Dean asked him to repeat it.

Cas giggled a little. “I asked if you were sure you didn't want me to use a condom. I brought some just in case you changed your mind.”

“Oh. No. I still don't want to use them. If that’s okay…?” Dean left the question open for Cas to answer.

“It’s great, Dean. You still want this, right? Just tell me at any point to stop if you feel unsafe or you just want to not do this anymore. I’ll stop right away, okay? I promise I won’t do anything on purpose. You tell me if I’m hurting you, alright?” Cas kissed Dean’s stomach before looking him in the eyes, waiting for his response.

“I promise. I promise, Cas.” Dean just needed Cas to fuck into him. He’d been waiting and waiting, everything for the past two hours had built up to this moment. He was ready.

Dean saw Cas open the lube again. He poured some onto his fingers and rubbed it all around Dean’s hole, dipping into the inside a little to spread it around. He poured some more onto his palm and started to rub it on his cock, stroking himself slowly.

Dean noticed the jolt in Cas’ body at the first contact on his cock. He realized that the whole time Cas was getting him ready, he didn’t touch himself one time. He was probably aching, needing to come so bad that it hurt.

“Fuck me, Cas. I want your cock. Gonna make me feel so good. I know you are. You’re gonna take such good care of me.” Dean was so ready to get fucked that he needed Cas to do something or he’ll go crazy.

“I am. I’m gonna take care of my good boy tonight, and tomorrow, and every day for as long as you’ll let me. I love you, Dean. I love my good boy.” Cas finished lubing up his cock and he teased it along Dean’s crack, just rubbing slowly.

“Cas!” Dean was doing everything he could to get Cas to rub him harder. He just really needed that cock.

Cas finally gave Dean what he wanted. He leaned forward slightly and kissed him, keeping one hand on Dean’s chest and one in between their legs, guiding his cock in.

When the head of Cas’ cock first breached Dean’s hole, he gasped at the stretching sensation, but he wasn’t in any pain. The feeling was just very different than his fingers. Fuller. But not pain.

“You okay?” Cas asked, rubbing down Dean’s stomach.

“I’m good. Keep going.” Dean told him. He felt Cas go deeper and deeper inside him, but still slow so that Dean had the chance to stop him if it got to too much. Cas’ fingers hurt, but he really got Dean ready, scissoring him open and fucking him fast to loosen his hole. Plus, the amount of lube they were using was on the excessive side.

When Cas bottomed out, he waited, just letting Dean adjust. Their chests were pressed flush together and Cas started to barely grind his hips into Dean’s, making his cock shift slightly inside of him.

As soon as he started making those movements, Dean felt his body get even hotter than before. His forehead and cheeks were warm, and a slow bead of sweat rolled down his chin and neck. Cas nudged Dean’s head to the side so he could kiss behind his ear.

Cas lets out a little whimper when Dean grabs him by the hips and pulled him closer, forcing his cock impossibly deeper in his ass.

“So tight, Dean. So good. You feel all hot and wet and good. Such a good boy for me. Always a good boy.” Cas kissed down Dean’s neck, licking and biting at the skin.

“Cas… Cas I need you to fuck me. I need you to move, to pound into me. Please, I want you so bad. It’s not gonna hurt, I’m so ready. I’m ready for you to fuck me hard.” Dean begged to him, trying to grind his hips too but Cas’ weight was making it impossible.

“You want it? You want me to fuck you hard?” Cas asked. Dean knew that he was actually just asking for permission, not trying to tease him, but oh god that voice.

“Yes, Cas, Please. Please do it. I need you so bad. I’m ready, you opened me up so good. I want this. I want it. Fuck me.” Dean was panting, wiggling his hips and trying to get Cas to move inside him. He let his hands fall back to the bed.

“I’m gonna do that for you, baby. Gonna make you feel so good.” Cas moved his upper body, getting in a better position. He took one of Dean’s hands and laced their fingers together, locking eyes with him. Dean’s mouth was slack, and Cas leaned down to kiss his lips. Cas’ hands were sweaty, but so were Dean’s so he didn’t care. Dean felt Cas place his other hand on Dean’s right hip, grabbing at it and holding tight.

Dean let out a loud groan when Cas started shifting his hips back, slowly pulling his cock out and finally giving Dean what he wanted. Dean squeezed Cas’ hand tighter, turning his head to the side and gripping the widest part of Cas’ thigh for something to keep him grounded.

“Dean, Dean, baby. Look at me.” Cas gently thrusted back in, making Dean gasp and cry out.

As much as Dean wanted to just shut his eyes and let Cas take him, he opened them and turned back so that they matched each other’s gaze.

“I wanna see you. I wanna look at you when I fuck you. I wanna be able to see your face when you come. When you moan all pretty, when you call my name.” Cas continued to fuck Dean slow, just pulling out almost all the way so slowly and fucking back into him, just as slow and controlled.

“I’m so full, Cas. Never felt like this before. Never felt so good with you in me. Feels amazing.” Dean arched his back up into Cas’ body, already feeling the heat taking over his whole body. His chest was warm, his shoulders were sweating, his cock was throbbing, and having Cas laying on top of him didn’t help the fact that he was overheated. Their skin melted together, torsos moving in sync and breaths mingling.

Cas’ lips were right above Dean’s, and sometimes they would touch when Cas fucked into him hard, and Dean would moan before catching his mouth in a wet, sloppy kiss. Cas’ thrusts were hard and deep, and they moved his whole body.

Dean loved the way his ass clenched around Cas’ cock, trying to take him in deeper.

“God, you’re so gorgeous Dean! I can’t ever get enough of you. I never thought I would be making love to you like this, sweet and slow and caring. Showing you how much I love you.” Cas purred into Dean’s ear.

His voice and his words always made Dean shiver.

“Uhnng, Cas, it feels so good! You’re making me feel so good. I don’t think I can hold on any longer, Cas. I don’t think I can….” Dean was cut off by his own loud moan.

Dean thought that when you were actually having sex, it’s harder to hit the bottom’s prostate because of the awkward angles or something. Well, Cas seemed to have no trouble finding his.

“Such a good boy, Dean,” Cas breathed, lips almost touching Dean’s, “taking it so well. I didn’t think you’d like it so much. You think you can take it if I go faster? Huh? You want that?”

“Yes, Cas, please! Please go faster, pound into me! I want it, I really do. I want you. Go faster, harder….” No matter what else happened in his life, nothing could ever top Cas lying on him, kissing him, fucking into his ass like his life depended on it. Dean squeezed Cas’ sweaty hand and reached up with his other one to wipe the sweat away from his forehead. His skin was hot to the touch.

“Oh my god, Dean, I really… I don't… I don't think I can hold on anymore. I think I’m gonna come. I need you to come for me. Just let go, baby. Come.” Cas licked Dean’s bottom lips and rested their foreheads together.

Cas sped up, making Dean moan with every thrust. He was going to wait to come until Cas did, but hearing that Cas wanted him to come, Dean just let go. He held onto Cas’ hand tight and reached around to grab at Cas’ ass. Dean cried out, arching his back and taking short, loud breaths. He felt his stomach get marked up with his own come, wet and hot.

“Castiel!” Dean moaned when he relaxed most of his body. His stomach was still heaving and his cock was twitching, spurting out the last of his come. Cas took his hand away from Dean’s waist and slipped it in between them to stroke Dean’s cock, helping him get through his orgasm. Dean gasped at the touch, rocking his body back into Cas’ cock and up into his hand.

“Dean, Dean, I’m close!”

“Come in me, Cas. Fill me up with your come, make me feel you. Want it. Please.” Dean felt like he could barely breathe, yet he was talking fine. He just came harder than he’d ever come before, and a warm, thick cock was still fucking mercilessly into his asshole. He felt so good, so sated, so blissful. He wanted to just fall asleep from the way that last orgasm took over his body. Dean actually came so hard that he thought he would pass out, just like Cas said.

Cas turned his head so that his face was buried in Dean’s neck. He latched on to the sensitive skin on the side, making Dean shiver and moan. Cas kept up his fast pace, but it started to falter as he got closer and closer to his orgasm.

Dean squeezed his hand impossibly harder, whining when Cas hit his oversensitive prostate. “Come, Cas. Come.” Dean whispered into his exposed ear.

Cas thrusted all the way into him, burying his cock in Dean’s hole and tensing his whole body up, going rigid flat against Dean’s torso. Dean’s wet come was stuck between their bodies, smearing all along their stomachs. Cas came, screaming a loud chorus of, “DeanDeanDeanDeanDeanDean!”

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ back, holding him impossibly closer. Cas fucked him slowly, riding through his own orgasm. The light stimulation made Dean moan. He loved the slow contrast to the fast fucking, both gentle, both caring.

After some time, Dean had no idea how long, Cas let go of Dean’s hand and held himself up with his elbows, weight off of Dean. Dean could feel him slowly going soft inside him.

Dean tilted his head up and inch so he could catch Cas’ lips in a kiss. Cas was still breathing hard, and all he could do was press his mouth to Dean’s lazily.

“Love you, Dean. Love you so much.” Cas panted.

He felt Cas shift his hips, making like he was going to pull out. Dean quickly grabbed around Cas to hold his lower back.

“Stay. Please. Just a little longer.” Dean didn’t want Cas to go. His body felt so warm, and he loved the feeling of Cas inside of him.

Cas nodded, collapsing onto Dean’s chest. Dean stroked his hair slowly, cradling the back of his neck. Cas looked so tired, so happy to be there with Dean. It made him feel good.

After Dean was starting to get really tired, like he wanted to go to bed, he tapped Cas on the shoulder.

“Okay, you can pull out now. Sorry for making out just lay on me, I didn’t want you to go yet.” Dean stroked down Cas’ arm.

“Don’t be sorry, baby. I liked it. You kept me warm and I love this.” Cas kissed Dean on the lips before he slowly, gently easing his cock out of Dean’s loose hole. Dean felt a little bit of come slip out, and he reached down to make sure it didn't get all over the place, but Cas’ mouth was already there.

His tongue felt nice against Dean’s ass. After his first time having sex, he felt a little sore and the soft touches were soothing, in a way. Dean was so tired, he could barely open his eyes. His head lolled to the side and he reached down to tap on Cas’ shoulder before he went completely out. Before actually having sex, Dean thought it would be romantic to stay up late and talk, but it was already really late and Cas made him come a billion times and he was exhausted.

Cas spent a few more moments in between Dean’s legs, and then he crawled back up Dean’s body to kiss him.

“‘M sorry, baby. So tired. Thank you.” Dean mumbled. He tried to open his eyes but it was to no avail.

“You’re okay, honey. You’re okay. Just go to sleep. We can talk in the morning.” Cas’ voice sounded so far away.

Dean felt the pillow being removed from underneath his hips and a fresh, cold pillow being put gently under his head. He heard Cas leave the room and come back a few moments later. Something warm and heavy was draped over him, and he felt the dip in the bed where Cas laid down beside him. A strong, warm arm wrapped around his chest and the last thing he heard was a soft “I love you,” coming from Cas and Dean was unconscious.

*************************************

Dean woke up to Cas kissing down his neck.

“Come on, baby. Let’s get in the shower. Or bath.”

“Mmmmmhhh, what time is it?” Dean groaned. He was not ready to get out of bed.

“Almost noon. You slept all through the morning, you look so cute when you snore.” Cas laughed.

“Do I really snore?” Dean asked, suddenly super aware of himself.

“No, I’m just teasing you. But you are very cute.” Cas said.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go get clean.” Dean reluctantly rolled out of bed and pulled Cas along with him into the bathroom.

************************************

After the happy couple had been soaped up and rinsed off, they went back into the bedroom to cuddle for a little while. After changing the dirty bottom sheet, of course.

Dean and Cas put on some loose pajama pants before they got in bed. Dean leaned his head against the pillows, pulling Cas down with him.

“Okay, so I’ve had some questions that have been on my mind since last night, and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind answering them. If you don’t want to, I totally get it. Some are personal. I guess, all of them are. It’s none of my business anyways, I was just cur--”

“Just ask me, Dean.” Cas cut him off.

“Uh, alright, then. How many people have you had sex with?” Dean was nervous about getting into Cas’ life before him. He didn’t really know much about it at all, and Cas seemed like it wasn’t his favorite thing to talk about.

“I don’t know. A lot. But none of it ended up mattering. Just us did.” Cas answered.

“Fair enough. When did you know that you were bisexual?”

“I was thirteen and I had a crush on this one girl, but it turned out that she had an older brother who I liked a little too much. It wasn’t much of a shock to me. I didn’t really care.” Cas seemed okay so far.

“Who did you lose your virginity to?” Dean asked.

“Meg Masters. I actually liked her, a lot. She only wanted me because she could throw big parties at my house.”

“Who did you lose your… uh… gay virginity to?”

“Balthazar. He was a British exchange student. Very snarky.” Cas ran his hands through Dean’s hair.

“Did you love any of them?” Dean asked.

“No.” Cas said, right away.

“And you love me?” Dean knew it was a stupid question, he just needed to hear it.

“Of course I do. I tell you a hundred times a day.” Cas gently touched his fingers down Dean’s chest.

“I know, sometimes I’m just scared that you don’t. That you’re just saying it so that I don’t feel bad. I know that you do love me, and I don’t doubt that love. Really, I don’t. Sometimes I just doubt myself. Less and less every day, I’m getting better. Can I keep asking you questions? Or do you want me to stop?” Dean knew Cas would answer what he could for Dean without him being completely uncomfortable.

“Go ahead, Dean. I don’t have any secrets that I want to keep from you. I love you.” Cas kissed Dean’s cheek.

“Thank you. I love you, too.” Dean thought for a moment before he came up with another question. “Why did you do it? What made you want to have sex with those people?”

Cas looked like he was really thinking. “I was lost. I was missing my parents, I didn’t realize that I had no control over their death. I was confused. I didn’t know that I could love, so I just gave up on it. I was lacking motivation to try to make something of myself. But then I met you, and everything changed.”

“Why did you change your mind? How come you didn’t see me and treat me like you treated the people you were with before?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know. On some level, I thought I was going to take you home with me that day, show you a good time, and then awkwardly be your lab partner for the rest of the year. But then I got to know you, and I couldn’t do that to you. I saw something in you, and it made me stick around to try to really get into you, and you have no idea how glad I am that I did. I love you, baby.” Cas gave Dean another kiss, this time on the lips.

“Oh. I had no idea.”

“You’re not mad, are you, baby?” Cas wrapped his arms tight around Dean’s shoulders.

“I’m not mad. I’m happy about how everything happened. It’s okay that you thought that. You sure changed your mind quickly.” Dean really wasn’t mad. Who can blame Cas for that?

“Yeah, you made me think about a lot of things…. Any more questions?”

“I don’t think so. Thank you for answering them. I feel better now.” Dean sat up in the bed, bringing Cas up with him.

“Good. I love you, baby. How are you, you know, from last night?” Cas asked.

“I’m a little sore, to be honest, but I feel good.” Dean answered honestly.

“Yeah?”

Dean nodded.

Cas smiled. “I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hurt you. I’m glad you feel good. What do you want to do now? We don't even have to leave the cabin for another few days.”

Dean thought, then felt his stomach grumble. “Food. Let’s get food. And then let’s have sex again.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

* * *

 

 

One week later, Dean and Cas were tucked into the back of Gabe’s car on the way home, sleeping and cuddling. They were tired after all those late nights not being able to keep their hands off of each other, but it was well worth the little exhaustion for the couple’s amazing week away.

Yeah, Dean was going to miss the seclusion of the cabins, but he missed Sam and Mary more.

Cas and Gabe dropped Dean off at his house. Sam and Mary each gave him a hug before Mary went to bed, as it was rather late. When their mom left and the boys went into Sam’s room, Sam gave Dean a knowing look.

“Have a good weekend?” Sam asked.

“Oh, you know, it was fun.” Dean tried to sound casual even though he knew that Sam was on to him.

“Mhm. I’m sure it was….” Sam crossed his arms and gave Dean a shit eating grin.

“I fucking hate you.” Dean deadpanned.

Sam ran into his middle and gave Dean a big bear hug. “No, you love me!”

“Yeah, I do.”

Sam looked up at Dean from where his head was on his chest.

“Okay, okay! We had sex! Are you happy?” Dean admitted. He had no idea how Sam could work him like that. He barely even did anything!

“Very. Now kiss me goodnight and go to bed. I’m tired.” Sam let go of Dean and crawled into bed.

  
Dean bent down, moved his too long bangs out of the way, and kissed Sam on the forehead. “Love you, Squirt. I missed you.”

“Missed you, too. Love you. ‘Night.” Sam was already curling up under the sheets.

  
Dean smiled. He got up, turned out Sam’s lights, and went to his own room. As luxurious as the beds at those cabins were, he missed being in his own bed. Dean pulled on soft pajamas and climbed under his soft blankets.

He was tired, already feeling the blurry edges of sleep take over his body. Who could blame him? It was an insane. He made it through a several hour drive, lost his virginity to his boyfriend at one in the morning, skinny dipped in Lake Michigan, wore a tank top outside during the day, spent three whole days without thinking one self deprecating thought, Dean and Cas had their first fight -- it lasted about ten minutes and it was about which one of them would be a better football player, they came to the conclusion that they would both suck but they were serious about winning that one -- and he tried to give Cas a blow job. Cas still didn’t like it, and neither did Dean. It works out.

Overall, Dean would say it was a good weekend.

**  
**  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i only edited this once because it was so long that i just didnt have the time, so if i have any mistakes please please please let me know! porn with spelling errors is the worst. 
> 
> also, this is my first time writing S E X sex, so i was freaking out like 'omg everyone's going to hate it this isn't cute at all what the fuck am i doing??!!!!!' but i posted it anyways. i hope you dont hate it? 
> 
> anyways, i was thinking about doing a few more sex scenes before the story is over, and i wanted some input from you guys. is there anything you want to read specifically or that you want me to do differently next time? i always listen to whatever you lovelies have to say because ALL of you are important! 
> 
> love you guys <3 dont forget to let me know!


	45. Dinner

**_ Saturday, July 5 _ **

 

The doorbell rang and Dean ran to the front door, but he saw that Sam beat him to the punch.

 

“Gabe!” Sam basically ran him over to give him a hug. Cas and Dean laughed at the show of affection because Sam was ridiculous, but they were both happy for their brothers to find someone to bond with. Gabe didn’t have many friends because he was always working and used to not be able to find the time for them, and Sam needed an older figure to look up to. It was the perfect match.

 

While Gabe recovered from the Sam attack, Dean greeted Cas with a hug.

 

“Dean, I’m nervous. Your mother didn’t seem to like me much when we first met.” Cas whispered.

 

Dean knew that he had the right to be a little on edge, Mary had been a little intimidating during their first encounter, but he also knew that she was going to do her best to make them feel welcome. He loved Cas and she wanted him to be happy, and it would mean so much to him if they would get along.

 

“It’s okay,” Dean assured him. “I promise she is going to love you. She’s going to love you so much that she’s going to want you to come over all the time and she’ll want me to be with you and it’s going to be so great. _But_ , by the impossible chance that she still doesn't like you, it doesn't matter. It won't change my mind about you, I want you. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” Cas nodded. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too. You look amazing, by the way.” Dean ran his hand down the light blue button up Cas was wearing and smiled at the fact he was wearing plain blue jeans with no holes in them, instead of his usual black skinny jeans with rips up the thighs. His eyes were also lined thick with black, and it made him look even cuter with his fancy outfit. Dean loved it when he wore eyeliner.

 

“Thanks, I put in my nice earrings, too.” Cas told him, leaning in to Dean and showing him three small crystal studs. He only wore those one other time that Dean knew of, when they went on their first date.

 

“Come on, guys! Mom said dinner’s almost ready!” Sam called as he dragged Gabe through the house past Cas and Dean.

 

They heard Mrs. Winchester and Gabe talk for the first time with her pleasant, “Oh, you must be Gabriel, Cas’ brother! It’s very nice to meet you. Dean has told me so much about you.”

 

Dean took Cas’ hand and led him into the kitchen where Sam and Gabe were already sitting at the table. “Mrs. Winchester, are you sure there isn’t anything I can do to help?” Gabe asked.

 

“Not at all, you’re our guests. Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes.” she replied, taking the chicken out of the oven.

 

Dean cleared his throat when he and Cas reached the doorway. Mary looked up from the hot pan and smiled at the boys. “Welcome, Castiel.”

 

“Please, call me Cas. I am very glad that you invited my brother and I to your home for dinner, Mrs. Winchester.” Cas said formally.

 

Mary glanced behind her and smiled at Gabe and Sam playing rock, paper, scissors. “It’s my pleasure. You can call Mary, by the way.”

 

Dean let out a sigh of relief at his mother’s welcoming attitude. He was pretty sure that she would be super open and nice to him but there was always that chance that she could change her mind.

 

Dean gestured for Cas to sit down at the table while he helped Mary put the food on it. She had cooked up Dean’s favorite chicken, brown rice, broccoli salad, and mashed potatoes. Once everything was set, he took his place next to Cas and Mary sat down across from them.

 

“I hope you boys like this food, Dean said that you ate pretty much anything so I just made the basics.” Mary said as she filled her wine glass up. She offered some to Gabe, who politely accepted.

 

“Yes, of course, Mrs. Winchester. The dinner that you prepared for this table looks absolutely divine.”

 

When Dean heard Cas say that, he remembered how when he met Cas, he was all proper and precise, but now when they talk and text it’s all jokes and teasing. He made a mental note to ask about it later.

 

“Thank you, Cas. Dig in, everybody.” Mary offered, taking a bite out of the rice.

 

Dean smiled sideways at Cas. He was _actually_ the most adorable thing in the whole world. What, with his messy hair that he obviously tried to tame before he got there, his nice, clean, button up shirt, and plain blue jeans. Seriously? It’s so not fair how he gets to be that cute.

 

As dinner went on, Dean noticed that Cas was getting more comfortable with Mary and eating with Dean’s family. He was more relaxed, laughing like his normal self and taking large gulps of his drink instead of small sips like before.

 

“So, Cas, it’s nice to see you again. And this time you’re not wearing my youngest son’s inside out clothing.” Mary teased.

 

Dean started cracking up and he couldn’t stop. That was one of the funniest things ever and he was so glad that his mom brought it up.

 

“Wait, _what_?” Sam and Gabe said in unison.

 

That just made Dean laugh harder. He almost felt bad because Cas looked embarrassed, but there was a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth before he started laughing like Mary and Dean.

 

“I’m kidding, Cas. I thought it was kind of cute, honestly.” she smiled, taking a sip of her wine.

 

“What are you boys doing this summer?” Mary asked, addressing the whole table.

 

Sam spoke up first, “Actually, Mom, there’s this one soccer camp I want to do that’s through the high school. It goes for three weeks and it’s really inexpensive and I think it’ll be a good head start if I want to play on the actual high school team.”

 

“Okay, that sounds like fun. Let me know about registration, okay?”

 

“Thanks, Mom!” Sam exclaimed. Gabe ruffled his hair.

 

“What about you, Gabriel?”

 

“Working, I guess. I promised Cas that I’d take him somewhere on a real vacation but we haven’t decided where, yet.” Gabe answered.

 

“Cas? What about you?” Mary asked.

 

Cas cleared his throat. “Mostly spending time with Dean and Sam. I think I’d like to do some art, there’s a class at the community college I’m interested in. You just sign up and they teach you about basics to get you ready for finding a job or an internship that could get you into the business.”

 

“Oh, really? That sounds interesting. What kind of art?”

 

Cas’ face turned red and he looked down at his hands. “Tattoo art.” he mumbled.

 

Mary just smiled, impressed, and turned to Dean.

 

“How about you, Deanie?”

 

“I want to work a little more at the shop now that school’s out. I’m saving up for college and a place to stay when I graduate. And I’m going to go to the city with Cas more.” Dean replied, sneaking a sideways glance at Cas.

 

Yeah, this was going to be a good summer.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, baby? I got a question for you.” Dean patted the spot beside him on the bed so that Cas would come sit down.

 

“Yeah?” Cas encouraged.

 

“How come, at dinner, you were talking like that? You don’t have those… mannerisms with me.” Dean scratched the back of his neck before he wrapped his arm around Cas’ shoulder.

 

Cas looked confused. “Like what?”

 

“Like… like a business man. Like you’re applying for a job and you want to seem smarter than you actually are.” Dean tried to get him to understand. A look of realization Cas across Cas’ face.

 

“Oh. That. Gabe was the one who old me that I did that. It happens when I’m nervous, I don’t even realize that I do it.” Cas ducked his head in embarrassment. “Sorry if it was bad.”

 

Dean smiled. Cas honestly had no idea how ridiculously adorable he was constantly. “It’s not bad. It’s actually super cute,” Dean said, taking Cas’ face in his hands. “just like you.”

 

Cas giggled when Dean kissed him.

 

“Shut up, Dean! I’m not cute. I’m a menace to society! I break into buildings and steal cars and hijack airports and I’ve been to prison and also I make counterfeit money and I’ve gotten two detentions. I’m a rebel without a cause.” Cas said, trying to be serious but failing horribly.

 

“I’m very sure that none of those are true. Except maybe the detention thing. Have you really had two?” Dean asked.

 

“No, that’s a lie. I did used to have sex and drink a lot, but I've always tried to do well in school, of that makes any sense. I never skipped class and I tried to pay attention, I just didn't have very good grades because sometimes it's hard for me. I’ve only had one detention, my freshman year. And it was because I had too many tardies to lunch. _Lunch_. How can you be late to lunch? You know me so well.” Cas leaned in and bit Dean’s neck playfully. “ _However_ , I have tattoos and piercings and I wear eyeliner so I’m immediately extremely hardcore.”

 

“Uh, yeah,” Dean tried to keep himself form laughing. “and you have your nipples pierced. And a leather jacket with a bee on it.” he teased.

 

Cas rolled his eyes playfully. “So?” he countered.

 

“ _So_ , you’re cute. Plus, it’s extra adorable that you were nervous to have dinner with my mom.” Dean thought, then added, “And you were nervous around me when we met. Now _that’s_ adorable.”

 

“I hate you.” Cas pouted.

 

Dean was confident enough to say, “No, that’s another lie. You _love_ me.”

 

“Yeah, I do. A lot. But I hate you, too.” Cas said.

 

“Fair enough.” Dean agreed.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas was on his back on his own bed, Dean pinning him down and trapping him between his arms. Dean was sitting on his hips, making his legs practically useless. And to top it off, Dean was tickling him mercilessly. Cas felt like his stomach was about to explode. Dean was attacking his sides and his armpits and his neck and it was absolute torture, but he couldn’t stop himself from laughing hysterically.

 

Dean leaned back once he actually screamed, and Cas took that time to breathe.

 

“You’re ticklish.” Dean laughed.

 

“No, I’m not!” Cas uselessly defended himself.

 

Dean decided to prove his point by squeezing his sides, to which Cas responded with a high pitched yelp.

 

“That’s funny.” Dean licked his lips.

 

“It’s not!”

 

“Yes, it is. Because you’re ticklish… and every time I touch you,” Dean ran his hands down Cas’ sides and stomach. “you squirm around and it’s adorable.”

 

Dean took his hands off of Cas, and then faked Cas out, making it look like he was about to start tickling him again but really he just put his hands into the mattress.

 

“I had no idea you were so ticklish.” Dean felt down Cas’ chest, with just enough pressure so that it didn’t tickle.

 

“Yeah, well, neither did I.” Cas panted, still trying to catch his breath.

 

“Your face is all red.” Dean pointed out.

 

“Wow, I wonder why.” Cas said sarcastically.

 

Dean just smiled and got off of his torso, giving Cas some wiggle room. Cas scooted up on his bed, head on the pillows. Dean laid himself over Cas, being held up by his elbows, body between Cas’ legs.

 

Cas decided it was his turn to take control. He brought his legs up and crossed them tight behind Dean, forcing him to completely collapse onto Cas.

 

“Clever.” Dean’s voice was muffled by Cas’ chest.

 

“Thank you.” Cas smiled. His grin faded when Dean lifted his head up and made eye contact with Cas.

 

 _God_ , why does he have to be so beautiful?

 

Those eyes… greener than the freshest grass. His freckles added an element of innocence to his face that evened out the fact that Dean was turning into a man, hard jawline and everything that comes with it. Plus, his lips make it impossible for Cas to be near him and not want to kiss him. They’re so big and dark pink and pretty and they feel so good against his own.

 

“What?”

 

“Huh?” Cas broke out of his Dean-is-really-hot-and-he’s-my-boyfriend trance.

 

“You were staring at me.” Dean explained.

 

“Oh… sorry baby. I was just thinking.” Cas shook himself out and leaned in to kiss Dean.

 

Damn, that’s all he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

 

“Thinking?” Dean questioned when the kiss was over.

 

“Thinking about how hot you are.”

 

Dean shoved him and got off of Cas, laying down next to him.

 

“I love you.” Dean said.

 

“I know. I love you, too. So much.” Cas knew he would never get tired of saying that.

 

Dean smiled at him. Cas took his phone out to check the time. 11:07 PM.

 

“Hey, baby, it’s just past 11:00. Want to go to bed now or wait a little later?” he asked.

 

Dean thought, then answered, “Now. I’m tired, we had a long day.”

 

Cas nodded and they took off their clothes. It was too hot to sleep in anything other than their boxers, so they were spooning bare chested in Cas’ bed. Dean insisted on being the big spoon, he said he wanted to be able to rub Cas’ tummy when they’re under the covers, which, Cas was not opposed to.

 

They fell asleep, tired, happy, and looking forward to the rest of the summer they were going to spend together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my chapter titles are the woooorrrsssstttttt omg im so bad at coming up with them but i feel like i need to its just so bad
> 
> so heyy that was chapter 45. and we only have 18 left! im trying to write as fast as i can, i really want to write more short stories and i have some ficlet ideas but i dont want to stat anything until this is done. would any of you guys read a ficlet i wrote? just curious, i want to see if i should make it a thing or if i should write some more longfics. 
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading! we're nearing the end!


	46. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for talking about past rape and self-harm! 
> 
> if you get triggered by those but still really want to read it, take the safe route and just make sure you're 100% okay and wont get effected by this too much. i want all of you guys to be okay.

**_ Tuesday, August 12 _ **

 

Cas gave Dean a kiss on the cheek and rubbed his back.

 

“I know you can do it, baby. I believe in you, okay? I love you. I love you and I know you can do this and everything is going to be alright. Sam is going to tell you that he loves you and that he supports you and that he will do anything to help you be okay. Call me when you’re done. I just… I love you. So much.” Cas gave Dean one last smile before squeezing his hand and walking out the front door.

 

Dean offered to give him a ride, but Cas insisted he go home alone.

 

Sam was up in his room by himself. Dean got up off of the couch, still feeling good from the little pep talk that Cas gave him, and walked up the stairs, standing outside of Sam’s room.

 

He knocked on the door lightly at first, then he could hear Sam say something, but it wasn’t directed towards Dean. Before he could say anything, Sam had opened the door and gestured for Dean to come in. Dean felt a little bad about interrupting Sam’s conversation with who he assumed was Jess, so he tried to back out but Sam just pulled him back in by the arm.

 

“…yeah, yeah. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow…. Great. Sounds good…. Bye.” Sam hung up the phone and looked at Dean expectantly.

 

“I uh, I didn’t mean to interrupt…. I’ll just go.” Dean turned, but Sam grabbed him again.

 

“What? Dean, come on. You know you can just tell me anything. Besides, our conversation was over. You're fine.” Sam shut the door behind Dean so that he wouldn’t try to leave again.

 

“I mean, it can wait. It’s fine, Sam, really….” Dean knew that he was stalling, but he was just trying to think of something, _anything_ to stay. How do you even start that conversation?

 

“No, Dean. You’re going to tell me what’s on your mind, whether it’s that you got another A on a math test or you are just nervous for something… whatever. You came in to tell me and I’m here to listen. Is everything okay with you and Cas?” Sam sat down on his bed, facing Dean, cross-legged.

 

It wasn’t like Dean could lie to Sam. It hurt every time he did. So, he moved onto the bed with Sam across from him, mirroring the way he was sitting. He folded his hands into his lap.

 

“Cas and I are fine. This is about me, not him. Look, Sammy, I don’t even know how to begin to talk about this with you. It’s been a secret for almost five years now. Ever since we lost Dad. I’m sorry for keeping it from you for so long. I should have told you before I even started what was wrong, but you were just so young. Lately, I’ve been on the right path in my life and I think now is as good a time as ever to come clean.” Dean took a deep breath, readying himself for any sort of reaction Sam could give him.

 

“It’s okay. I’m here for you Dean, through everything.” Sam comforted. Dean tried to smile, but when he couldn’t quite get his lips right, he gave up and cleared his throat.

 

“I… I…. Okay. After Dad died, I felt so at fault. If I hadn’t decided to talk to him about my sexuality, or if I did it at a time when he wasn’t drunk, he’d still be alive. He’d be alive and we’d still be a family. I was depressed and feeling guilty for about a year before I finally caved and did something about it. And it wasn’t a good decision. I didn’t talk to Mom, I didn’t get help from anyone at school, and I didn’t tell a friend. I just needed _something_ to take the edge off, Sammy!” Dean put his face in his hands. He was ashamed of himself. Sam was being so helpful in making him feel like he could talk right then, though, and Dean wanted to go through with what he came in there to do. He just needed a minute to compose himself.

 

As soon as he started talking about the start of everything, Dean couldn’t stop the flood of suppressed emotions. Against his will, he felt a hot tear slide down his cheek and hit his fingers.

 

God, he was _already_ crying. This wasn’t going to be as smooth as he thought.

 

Dean took in a ragged breath.

 

“It’s okay, Dean. Take your time.” Sam patted Dean on the knee, and really, that was all Dean needed.

 

“I love you, Sammy.”

  
  
“I love you, too, Dean.”

 

Dean sat up straight again and blinked fast to get the tears out of his eyes.

 

“I needed something to help with my depression, my sadness. I felt like nothing but it was so painful at the same time. So, I started self-harming,” Dean shut his eyes at the soft gasp Sam let out from his confession, and another tear slipped out. “and then I couldn’t stop.”

 

Dean exhaled hard and put his head in his hands again. He was feeling like a failure. Sam looked up to him, and now he was finding out what a horrible brother Dean was. He couldn’t even take care of himself.

 

Dean just waited to talk again. His throat felt tight and his stomach hurt and his face was hot and it wasn’t like he could take it back and just go about his life like he had been. No. This was Sam. _Sam_. His little brother. His world.

 

“It got pretty bad. I had dreams about killing myself and a few times I cut so bad I thought I needed stitches but _still_ I couldn’t tell Mom. I couldn’t go to the hospital. There were so many times that I wanted to stop, wanted to get better, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to tell you so bad, but I couldn’t. I was… I _am_ … so afraid of what you’re going to do. I thought you would reject me, hate me.” Dean ran his hand through his short hair.

 

“I was doing really good, gone about a month without doing it. Then I relapsed, and Cas found me. It was bad. I knew I needed to talk, knew I needed to be open with him, knew I needed to help myself. I couldn’t, though, not before I started to realize that what happened with Dad wasn’t my fault. It was his. It was his for being a homophobic asshole. For not loving his family enough. For being a drunk. It’s not mine.”

 

Sam reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand, squeezing it.

 

“And it’s not my fault that I got raped. It’s _not_. And I know that now. I know that. I just wish I knew it right after it happened. I wish I knew that a year ago. I wish I never started self-harming. I wish I could have given myself more credit for everything I’ve been through. I wish I told you I was struggling before. I wish I filed a rape report. There’s so many things that I wish I’d done. I can’t go back and change my past, but I can change my future. I’m fixing everything.”

 

“I’m telling you. I’m going to eventually tell Mom. I’m going to get myself in order. I’m going to get back in my honor’s and AP classes next year. I’m going to get clean and I’m going to get proud of myself. I’m trying really hard, Sam. I promise I’m going to do everything I can.” Dean just couldn’t bring himself to say any more. He couldn’t go into detail or anything. He just needed Sam to understand.

 

He looked up at Sam, wondering why he hasn’t said anything yet. Maybe he really did hate Dean.

 

Sam had pulled his knees up to his chest and had his face down in them, hair covering his forehead. His shoulders were trembling and Dean heard him sniff. Was Sam… _crying_? Was he crying because he was disappointed in Dean? Or that he was sad because Dean didn’t tell him this? Or that Dean had gone to hurting himself instead of getting help? Dean didn’t know.

 

“Sam?” Dean asked. He didn’t know what else to do. He reached out to touch Sam’s shoulder.

 

Sam picked his head up and looked Dean in the eye. His cheeks were smeared with wetness and his eyes were red.

 

“I’m so sorry, Sammy. I don’t know what else to say.” Dean let go of his shoulder and slumped back down into himself. He felt like shit.

 

“Just…. Fuck, Sam! Fuck. _Fuck_. I let you down and now you’re crying and I’m sorry. I wish I could have been a better big brother. Fuck. You don’t have to talk to me anymore, I won’t make you. I just really fucking _sorry_ , okay? If there’s anything I can do to make up for this, let me know. I’m just gonna go.” Dean uncrossed his legs and sat on the edge of the bed for a second before he got up and took a step towards the door. Sam tackled him down to the ground, pinning his arms above his head and sitting on his stomach, rendering him immobile.

 

“God, Dean, shut up! I love you! You’re my big brother, and I love you! I don’t care that you didn’t tell me right away. I don’t care that you waited so long. You know what I do care about? You. You and your physical and emotional health. Are you okay now? What’s helping you? What can _I_ do to make your recovery easier? I’m never going to stop loving you, Dean. Realize that.” Sam pushed his hair back, allowing Dean to see his eyes.

 

Dean’s heart was pounding. Did Sam really feel that way? But then he felt like slapping himself. Of course Sam would feel that way. They were brothers. They loved each other to death. Dean just had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that Sam loves him as much as Dean does.

 

“Really?” Dean just breathed. His head felt like it was going to explode.

 

“Yes. Yes, really.” Sam wiped at his eyes before thumbing over Dean’s cheeks, getting the tears off of them. “I love you and your cooking and your car and your work ethic and your face and everything. I love that you always look out for me and you always kiss me goodnight, even when Cas is staying over. Even when I know you’re really tired. Even when I know you aren’t feeling well. I love your stupid music and the fact that I get your flannels when you grow out of them but you keep saying that soon we can share them because I’m growing so big.” Sam took in a shaky breath.

 

Dean felt like he was going to cry for a completely different reason.

 

“I love you, Sam. So much. Now get off of me.” Dean tapped Sam’s thighs, telling him to move.

 

Sam shifted onto the floor and scooted backwards so that his shoulders were pushed up against his bed. Dean sat up and extended his legs out in front of them so that they hit Sam’s.

 

“So, you’re really okay with this?” Dean asked.

 

“Well, no, I’m not okay with it. I want to know that you’re safe. I want to know that you’re okay. I can’t even believe that you were raped. I mean, _Dean_ , that’s really serious. And you didn’t even tell anyone. I can’t imagine what that was like.” Sam shook his head, mostly to himself. “But as long as you’re feeling good, as long as you feel like you’re safe and in good hands and surrounded by people who love you, then I don’t care that you have scars on you. I don’t care that you have a past. I just care about you getting better, to the point where you are completely stable and don’t even think about that stuff anymore. I want to help. So, just tell me when something’s wrong, okay?”

 

Dean moved his foot a little, brushing his toes against Sam’s.

 

“Thank you,” was all Dean managed to say.

 

Sam nodded, wiping his eyes again.

 

“Thank you for telling me. Trusting me.”

 

Dean just pushed against Sam’s foot, initiating a foot war between the boys.

 

_I’m the luckiest big brother in the world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was that!  
> yeah, a little emotional, but necessary, right?   
> also, would anybody hate me if i didnt do a heartfelt scene with mary and dean and his confessions of self harm to her? i dont really want to but i dont want to make anybody upset if thats what you really wanted to see.   
> sorry that update felt like a long time, but i've been having tons of writer's block lately. i dont know if it's from not enough motivation or what but i'm like almost not writing at all :(((  
> thanks for reading! love you guys and stay safe <3


	47. The Future

**_ Sunday, November 23 _ **

 

“Dean, what are you doing after high school?” Cas asked. That thought had been bothering him for weeks. They were sitting on the porch swing in front of Cas’ house, swaying slightly in the breeze.

 

“I don’t know. I haven’t really given it much thought. Have you?” Dean propped his chin up by his hand.

 

“I mean… a little. I don’t know what I want to do, but I do know that I want to do it with you.” Cas really didn’t want Dean to think that he was being clingy or anything, he just thought that they could have an honest future together and it was something to think about.

 

“I was thinking about applying to the University of Illinois at Chicago. I want to be close to home for Sam and my mom, but I really want to live in the city.” Dean told him.

 

“That’s a good plan. I just don’t know what I want to do, yet.” Cas said. He hadn’t thought about it at all.

 

“You don’t have to go to college. What are you interested in?” Dean asked. “I feel stupid asking you this.”

 

Cas laughed. “You’re fine. I like piercing and tattoo stuff, obviously. I mean, maybe I could learn how to do that. Like get an apprenticeship. I think people do that, right?”

 

“That sounds like a dream, Cas.” Dean looked like he really meant what he said.

 

“Do you think we’ll be together then? A year from now, when it’s the summer after our senior year, and we’re moving out of our houses, finally deciding that to do with our lives?” Cas asked. He desperately needed Dean to say yes.

 

“I… I think so. Yeah, I do. I think we’ll be ready to move in with each other, about to start our lives away from home. We could get an apartment, I could go to school, and you could go to the tattoo shop every day. Then on the weekends we could go swimming in Lake Michigan, and get some Garrett’s popcorn, and go for walks. On days that I don’t have classes I could bring you lunch and we can kiss all the time.” Dean smiled fondly at Cas.

 

“Yeah? I think that would be amazing. I’m so happy that you think we could be together. It makes me feel good about us. Well, more than before. I’ve always felt good about us.” Cas wound his fingers down Dean’s arm and grabbed his hand.

 

“I’ve made up my mind. I’m definitely applying to UIC. And some other schools nearby just in case, but my main school is that one. I’ve looked into some of its programs and I think it could be really good for me. For us. I’m super glad we talked about this.” Dean gave Cas’ hand a squeeze.

 

Cas sat back, pulling Dean close to his chest. He kicked his feet a little, making them swing a little higher. It was a porch swing, it couldn’t exactly go very fast, but the movement was good.

 

“How are you feeling, Dean?” Cas asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know what I mean.” Cas answered.

 

“Oh,” Dean cuddled a little closer to Cas’ body. Cas loved feeling his warmth. “Honestly, I think I’m doing okay. I feel… okay. And after I talked to Sam about this a while ago and he said he still loves me, I’ve been pretty good, actually. Barely thinking about it and when I do, I’m able to sort of… knock myself out of it instead of getting stuck in this mindset. I’m good Cas.” Dean answered. From what Cas could tell, he looked like he was telling the truth. He felt himself relax a little.

 

“I love you, Dean. I’m so proud of you.” Cas told him. He really was. Dean had come so far from where he started. Sure, he had a lot to go through before he could be totally better, but Cas knew that he was going to be okay. He was so strong.

 

“I love you, too, Cas. So much. And thank you. Without you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. It might not have been you who has kept me clean for all this time, but it was definitely you who gave me the push to get there.” Dean brought Cas’ hand that he was holding up to his mouth, kissing his knuckles.

 

Cas just pulled Dean closer, rubbing his chest and kissing him right behind his ear.

 

They sat there in comfortable silence, breathing in the sweet fall air.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean relaxed in his bed. It was only like 3:00 in the afternoon, but he spent the whole morning with Cas and he was feeling a little tired.

 

He shut the blinds, trying to minimize the amount of sunlight that got into his room, and he shut the door, drowning out the sound of Sam playing video games. He wrapped the blankets tight around him and snuggled up, arm hugging his pillow close.

 

Dean rolled onto his side and bent his knees a little, sinking into the mattress.

 

 _Yeah,_ he thought before finally slipping into unconsciousness, _this is going to be a great senior year._

 

* * *

 

Dean shut his locker. He tugged on the sleeves of his flannel. Just out of habit.

 

“Hey, baby. How was your math test?” Cas asked, leaning against the lockers.

 

Last year, Cas had only worn his ear and lip piercings to school, but Dean convinced him to wear them all. He leaned in to kiss the small black stud in his eyebrow.

 

“I think I did okay. How was your physics quiz?” Dean asked. Cas was having a rough time with physics. He’d asked Dean to help him out a few times, but he still didn’t fully understand.

 

Cas shrugged. “I probably got a C+ or a B- on it. Not bad.”

 

“That’s good. So you wanna go eat?” Dean took Cas’ hand.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

Dean laughed. They walked together to the cafeteria and got pizza and tater tots before they went outside to go sit by their tree. It was getting colder out, fall coming to an end and winter starting soon. They had to make the most of it.

 

“Will you sit in my lap?” Dean asked.

 

“Uh, is that even a question?” Cas plopped right down onto Dean’s cross-legged lap. Dean leaned back against the tree and wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist, lunch forgotten.

 

“I love you.” Dean whispered into Cas’ neck.

 

“Your breath is giving me goose bumps. Stop. I love you, too.” Cas squirmed a little, getting comfortable.

 

“I love you to the moon and back.” Dean squeezed around Cas’ waist.

 

“I love you more than I loved you yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.” Cas placed his own hands over Dean’s.

 

“I love you more than my car. My flannels. My boots. I love you more than my music. I love you more than my pie.” Dean kissed the side of Cas’ neck.

 

“God, Dean, I love you so much. I never know how to even tell you sometimes, it’s just too much. I love you in a thousand ways.” Cas turned a little so he could see Dean.

 

Dean pulled Cas in a little tighter, “Kiss me, Cas.”

 

He saw the slight smile on Cas’ pink lips before they were on his. He twisted his body around so that Cas was on his lap sideways for a better angle. The backwards thing wasn’t really working for them.

 

Dean always got in the mood for kisses and hugs and cuddling when they talked about how much they loved each other. Every time he heard how much Cas loved him, his heart melted a little and his face got hot because he knew that what he was saying was true. Dean liked to hold Cas’ hand every time he confessed his love because he held Dean’s fingers tighter when they talked like that.

 

Dean licked into Cas’ mouth, tasting cherry sugar. He broke the kiss to giggle.

 

“What?” Cas asked.

 

“You taste like candy.” Dean answered, smiling brightly.

 

“Yeah, I got a blow pop because I won the review game in English. I couldn’t stop myself from opening it right away.” Cas kissed Dean’s nose.

 

“You’re cute. I love you.” Dean remembered that this was their lunch time and he grabbed his pizza to take a bite.

 

“Didn’t we just go over this? I love you, too.” Cas noticed Dean eating and picked up his own slice.

 

“Yeah, we did. I like talking about how much I love you, though. I think we should wait until we’re at home, though.”

 

“How come?” Cas asked.

 

“Honestly, it’s because when we talk about this it turns me on. And I don’t want to sit through class horny as hell.” Dean confessed.

 

He wasn’t sure why, but it seriously did. Like when they were making out and Cas would whisper _I love you_ in between kisses, Dean wanted to jump him right there.

 

Maybe it has something to with the fact that in his childhood Dean knew he was loved by his mother and his brother but he never felt it in his heart but now that he really feels Cas’ love it just _does_ things to him that he has no control over.

 

But it’s whatever.

 

“Seriously? Are you for real right now?” Cas put his hand over the arm that was going around his own waist.

 

“I’m super serious.” Dean told him.

 

“Well then, when we get home from school I’m gonna tell you just how much I love you. How I love your hair, your eyes, your freckles and lips. Your long legs, your hands, your chest, your _cock_ , your _ass._ Just some things I can’t get enough of.” Cas kissed Dean’s jaw.

 

“You are _such_ a fucking tease.” Dean shoved Cas lightly, not had enough for him to fall out of Dean’s lap.

 

Cas giggled, pleased with himself. “Alright, let’s eat before we won’t be able to anymore.”

 

He shifted back again so his shoulders were against Dean’s chest. Dean kept one arm wrapped around Cas’ arm as they finished lunch.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean sighed as he laid in bed with Cas, holding his hand in front of his own face.

 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Cas asked.

 

“I love your hands.” Dean replied. He turned them over so Cas’ left hand was palm up.

 

“My hands?” Cas propped his head up with his elbow and wrist to see what Dean was doing.

 

“They’re so smooth. And your fingers are so long and skinny. And warm. And they feel nice.” Dean brought them up to his lips.

 

“Uh, thanks. My hands appreciate it.” Cas said.

 

“Just your hands? I love how soft they are. Feels so good when you touch me all slow, teasing me….” Dean trailed off, waiting for a reaction from Cas.

 

He looked up from where he was staring at Cas’ hands and saw a blush spreading on Cas’ cheeks.

 

“God, Dean. You can’t just say things like that.” Cas breathed out, running a hand through his messy hair.

 

“Oh, I can’t? I’m sorry, baby. Here, let me give you an apology kiss.” Dean teased, leaning up to plant a firm kiss on Cas’ lips. He wasn’t at all surprised when Cas sat up to free his other arm and kept Dean close to him.

 

“I forgive you.” Cas muttered before he grabbed Dean by the waist and flipped him over. “You like it when I touch you, huh? Well, love, I’m going to give you just what you want.”

 

Cas started stripping off all of Dean’s clothes. All he could do was lay back and enjoy the attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh, boys in love! what could be better?
> 
> ok so this was a day late i knowwww but i was just a little overwhelmed with writing and i gave myself a day to catch up and get back on track. 
> 
> also because i'm a spoiled girl, it's my birthday tomorrow the 26th and my brothers are taking me to the mall! (idk why i felt the need to share that....)
> 
> as always, thanks for reading! love you guys <3


	48. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont you just love a christmas fic in springtime

**_Wednesday, December_ ** _**24** _

 

It was Christmas Eve. Sam and Jess were saying goodnight, her parents had come to pick her up. Cas and Dean were snuggled up into the corner of the couch, covered in blankets and pillows and each other’s sweaters. Mary was making hot chocolate, and she had been playing soft Christmas music through the house all day.

 

They’re all tired, warm from the fire going in the corner and all of the hot food that was eaten that night. Sam went up to bed, followed soon by Mary, but the older boys stayed up in the living room, talking.

 

Dean got up reluctantly from his warm, cozy spot on the couch with his boyfriend to go into the cold basement and grab the presents. Ever since Dean was thirteen, he’s hide all the gifts under the tree. Then, on Christmas morning, when Sam came down the stairs, he’d see all of them and it would be like Santa still visited. Dean knew that Sam didn’t believe anymore, he was fourteen years old, but it was still a tradition and he loved doing it for Sam and his mom.

 

He came up the stairs, bags and boxes in hand, and he put them under the tree with Cas’ help. Dean was excited for Christmas. He really thought about everybody’s gifts this year, even Gabriel’s. Plus, he really, really, _really_ wanted to know what Cas got him. It was in a small, silver package with a shiny bow on it. He could dream about what was in it for hours.

 

They waited for the fire to die down before they went to bed, Dean assisting a helplessly tired Cas up the stairs. Once the boys reached Dean’s room, Cas took Dean’s pants off and needed Dean’s help to remove his own. Cas crawled into the bed, pulling Dean along with him. They were still bundled up in thick sweaters, warm and comfortable.

 

“I love you, baby,” Cas whispered, “Merry Christmas.

 

Dean smiled as he watched Cas drift off to sleep right away. He squeezed Cas’ waist ever so slightly so that he didn’t wake his sleeping boyfriend. “Love you, too.”

 

Dean’s head fell against the pillow, tired and happy.

 

* * *

 

 

 Dean woke up to Sam pounding on his door.

 

“Dean! Cas! Guys, wake up! It’s time for presents!” Sam called through the wood. His footsteps could be heard as he ran down the stairs.

 

Dean’s head shot up, “What?” He looked around the room, eyes landing on a sleepy Cas.

 

“This is the first time I’ve ever hated your brother.” Cas mumbled.

 

“Yeah, well, it won’t be the last.” Dean rolled over to give Cas a good morning kiss. “Rise and shine, baby. Come on, Gabe is coming over soon. It’s Christmas.” Dean tried to coax him out of his sleep filled fog.

 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Let’s go.” Cas spun himself right off the bed and he thumped to the floor. “I think I’m gonna lay here for a while.” 

 

Dean had to choke back his laughter. He got out of bed and walked around the other direction to help Cas up.

 

“Let’s go, sleepy head. I want you to open my present.” Dean coerced.

 

Cas’ head shot up from where it was, face down in the carpeting. “You got me a present?”

 

“Of course I did. Come on,” Dean reached his arms out for Cas to take. “I want to sit in your lap while we eat cinnamon rolls.”

 

Cas took Dean’s hand and pulled himself up with it. “Merry, Christmas, Dean.”

 

Dean leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. “Merry Christmas.”

 

* * *

 

The boys managed to get downstairs after they put matching red flannel pajama pants on. They ate the cinnamon rolls and Dean sat on Cas’ lap, as promised. Sam was pulling them into the living room where the tree and the presents were as soon as the last drop of milk was gone.

 

Mary was already sitting in the rocking chair, waiting for them.

 

“Merry Christmas, boys,” she sang.

 

“Merry Christmas, Mom.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Mrs. Winchester. Excuse me… Mary.”

 

Sam sat down in the overstuffed chair while Dean and Cas curled up on the couch. They just sat for a minute before Sam got up from his spot and started handing out the presents one by one.

 

While Sam was busy, Dean took his time to admire the tree. It was tall and fat and he, Sam, and Cas spent four hours picking out the perfect one. The three of them decorated it perfectly. They only had a few store bought ornaments, the rest were just ones that the boys had made in elementary school. Mary kept them all.

 

Dean was jolted out of his thoughts when the doorbell rang.

 

“I got it!” Sam yelled. He threw a wrapped box to Cas and ran to the door. “Gabe!”

 

Gabriel dropped his bags on the floor to pick up the forever growing boy and spin him around once. “Merry Christmas, kiddo.”

 

Gabe brought his gifts over to the tree and sat down beside Cas on the third couch cushion.

 

Sam plopped down in his chair after he finished handing all of the presents out. They always do youngest to oldest, so Sam went first. Mary got him new soccer cleats and shin guards for his high school soccer season in the spring because he grew out of his old ones, and a new iPod. Dean put all of his good music onto the iPod and got him a new pair of black converse. He grew out of his other ones really quickly. Gabe and Cas got him four tickets to a Chicago Fire soccer game that was sometime in the spring. Dean had never seen him so happy.

 

After Sam had received all of his gifts, everybody looked to Dean and Cas. “Who’s older?” Sam asked them.

 

“When’s your birthday?” Dean asked. He felt stupid for not knowing that, but it just never came up.

 

“Uh, February 25.” Cas answered. He looked nervous.

 

“Oh, I’m in January. You get to go first.” Dean handed him his first present that was on the ground in front of them. He didn’t take it.

 

Dean saw Cas give Gabe a weird look, then turn back to face Dean. “No, you’re younger. I was held back in eighth grade. So, I was born eleven months before you, not one month after. So, you go.”

 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Dean asked.

 

“It’s not like I’m proud of it, or anything. I was too embarrassed to bring it up. And our ages never came up, really. Sorry.” Cas didn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

 

“Hey, Cas. Look at me. I don’t care that you were held back. I don’t care that you didn’t tell me. I’m just glad that you’re doing good now. I’m proud of you.” Dean reached out to grab his hand.

 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas smiled at him.

 

“Wait, so you legally got tattoos?” Dean asked. He’d always wondered how Cas could get them done if he wasn’t of age, but he just assumed that maybe Gabe had consented somewhere.

 

“Yup. Except one. I got the hip ones when I was seventeen, but the rest were legal.” Cas answered.

 

“Huh. Cool. So, it’s my turn then, I guess.” Dean was about to reach for Cas’ gift, but he decided to save it for last.

 

He got Sam’s gift first. It was a black Rolling Stone long sleeve t-shirt and a folded up piece of paper attached to a small package that Sam told him to wait until later to open. Mary got him a new comforter for his bed and a gift card to one of his favorite stores. Gabe got him a gift that was for him _and_ Cas, along with individual presents as well. The joint gift was in an envelope, containing a big, fat, check.

 

“What’s this for?” Dean asked, in awe.

 

“Prom. I don’t want you guys to have to worry about cost. Go all out. Buy expensive Italian suits. Rent a limo. Just spend it all on yourselves.” Gabe gave them both a warm smile.

 

“Thank you, so much.” Dean said. He honestly didn’t know how he was going to pay for the ticket and everything and this was a huge deal.

 

“Don’t mention it.” Gabe pointed to the ground. “Open the other one.”

 

Dean picked up the green bag he was pointing to. Inside tons of tissue paper was a pair of black silk with a green plaid patterned pajama pants. Dean burst out laughing.

 

“How did you manage to find these?” he asked, out of breath.

 

“I had them made. Turns out, there weren’t any plaid silk pj pants in the market.” Gabe answered, smiling brightly.

 

Dean thanked him and let his eyes fall down to Cas’ present in between their laps, just sitting on the couch. He reached out and picked the box up. It was lighter than he thought. Carefully, Dean untied the bow around the package and set it into his lap. He slowly opened the top until he could see what was inside.

 

A ring. It was beautiful. Smooth, black, and shiny. The band was thick and as Dean inspected it, he saw that on the inside there were small silver letters spelling out _promise_ around the entire length. Dean was speechless.

 

“It’s my promise ring.” Suddenly Cas was on his knees in front of Dean. “Will you wear it?”

 

Dean didn’t even have to think. “Yes, yes I’ll wear it. Get up here, you goof.” Dean pulled Cas up by the hand. “I love it. I love you.”

 

“Can I put it on you?” Cas asked.

 

Dean nodded, overwhelmed and not able to say much of anything. He watched as Cas took the ring and slid it onto Dean's left ring finger. Dean tried not to think about what that specific finger meant. The black metal felt cold on his skin.

 

After Cas put the ring on, he kept a hold of Dean’s hand.

 

“This ring is a promise that I will never break. A promise that I will never, ever hurt you. I will never love another boy or girl half as much as I love you. I will always care for you and love you so openly that you can never doubt that love, because it is _endless_. Thank you for being an amazing person. You changed my life.” Cas concluded his declaration with a small smile to Dean and an awkward look around the room to Gabe, Sam, and Mary.

 

Dean felt a little shy about having such an intimate moment in front of his _mom_ , and he didn't know what to say or do.

 

Sam broke the silence.

 

“Dean, say something!”

 

It’s not like Dean wanted to just leave him hanging like that. He seriously couldn’t form any words. Instead of trying and failing to talk back to him, Dean grabbed Cas by the back of the neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was on the chaste side because their brothers and mom were watching, but he let Cas know what he was thinking.

 

They broke apart a few moments later, red in the face and smiling uncontrollably. Cas turned to curl up closer to Dean.

 

“It’s your turn to open presents, baby.” Dean handed him a plain brown paper bag. It was Sam and Mary’s gift for Cas. Inside were three thick books about the art of tattoos and piercings. Cas lit up when he saw them. “Thank you both so much! This is great, really. Now I have something to prepare myself with for this summer when I apply for apprenticeships." Cas thanked Mary and Sam.

 

Next, he opened Dean’s. “I know there isn’t much in there, but I have some things to give to you later, just so you know.” Dean told him.

 

Cas unwrapped the box. There were three sets of crystal earrings, one for each of his pierced ears, two black eyeliner pencils, and a black blanket with yellow bees on it.

 

“I just thought that maybe you’d like—“

 

“I love it.” Cas cut him off. “Thank you.”

 

Gabe had surprised Cas with any new tattoo and/or piercing he wanted, along with a brand new pair of black Doc Martens. His were getting worn out. Cas whispered to Dean that he was thinking about getting his bellybutton pierced. Dean almost choked on his own saliva. He seriously had the hottest boyfriend in the world.

 

Mary and Gabe opened their presents and thanked the Novak-Winchester families respectively.

 

* * *

 

 

After the morning tradition was over, Sam and Gabe hung out in the basement, Mary started to make a pie for that night, and Dena and Cas went up to Dean’s room.

 

Dean looked under his bed and pulled out a larger sized bag. He handed it to Cas.

 

“What’s this?” he asked.

 

“I told you, it’s the other part of my present to you. Come on, open it.” Dean encouraged.

 

He thumbed nervously with his ring while Cas looked through the bag. He pulled put a worn flannel, a knife, and a small box.

 

“Dean?” Cas picked up the box and opened it.

 

“The flannel is mine. I used to wear it every day after I cut because it hid blood well. The knife and the razor blades inside the box are what I used to cut with. I don’t want them anymore. I thought it would be best if you kept them.” Dean explained. It was a big decision for him to give those to Cas. He didn’t want to give them up, but he knew that it was too much of a crutch to fall back on if things went bad. He didn’t need them anymore. He needed Cas.

 

Cas looked down at the items in his hands. He placed them carefully back in the bag and flung himself at Dean, pulling him in for a tight hug.

 

“I love you, Dean. You’re so brave.” Cas whispered in his ear.

 

“I want to be better, Cas.” Dean grabbed around Cas’ back harder.

 

“You’re doing so good. I’m so proud of you. I know Sam is, too.”

 

_Sam._

“Sam’s present. I forgot about it.”

 

Dean glanced round the room until his eyes landed on the small package and note. He picked them up and sat back down next to Cas.

 

_Dear Dean,_

_You told me about six months ago that you self-harmed. There hasn’t been a day that I don’t think about it. I came up with a list of things for you to think about and remember for the next time you’re depressed or like you want to hurt yourself. You can just throw this away if you want it, but I really hope it helps._

  1. _I love you a lot_
  2. _Cas loves you_
  3. _Gabe loves you_
  4. _Mom loves you_
  5. _You’re really smart_
  6. _I’ve always looked up to you_
  7. _You make me laugh even when I’m sad_
  8. _You always wear the necklace I gave you even when it doesn’t go with your shirt_
  9. _You help me with Jess_
  10. _You can fix cars really good_
  11. _Bobby loves you_
  12. _You make really good dinners_
  13. _I love it when you kiss me goodnight_
  14. _You’re really cool_
  15. _Like, the best big brother ever_
  16. _You’re the bravest person I know_
  17. _You love and support me unconditionally_
  18. _You help me with homework when I’m having a hard time_
  19. _You show me how much you love me_
  20. _You were a father figure to me even though you’re only four years older than me_
  21. _It makes me happy when you call me ‘bitch’_
  22. _You say awesome a lot but it’s okay because it’s you_
  23. _My friends think you’re the best_
  24. _You are ^^^_
  25. _I love you so much_



 

_Also, I got you something to match that amulet I gave you. So now when you look at your wrists you can think about how much I love you and not the stuff you don’t like about yourself. There are more reasons than this, but I’d have to write a trilogy to fit them all in. If you ever need any extra reassurance, just come get me. Text me, call me, go to my room. It doesn’t matter. I’m here for you like you’re here for me._

_Love, Sam_

Dean lifted up the small package and shakily opened the top.

 

Inside it were three bracelets with leather bands to go with that amulet that Sam was talking about. Wordlessly, Dean strode out of the room and down the stairs into the basement. Sam was standing with his back turned to Dean.

 

Dean spun him around and enveloped him in the tightest hug he could manage, note still in hand.

 

“I love it.” Dean whispered in Sam’s ear.

 

Sam returned the hug, pulling Dean closer and comforting him. Dean knew that Gabriel was in the corner, but he didn’t care. This moment was all about him and Sam.

 

“I love you, Sammy. You know that. I love you.” Dean pulled away from Sam just a few inches so he could talk to him face to face.

 

“I know. I love you, too, Dean. I want you to get better, okay? I believe in you.”

 

“You’re the best brother in the whole world, Sammy. Thank you.” Dean wiped at his eyes, a little mad at himself for crying.

 

“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel not good. I just want you better.” Sam looked up at Dean slightly.

 

Dean leaned in to give him a kiss on the forehead. He released Sam from his hold and smiled at him genuinely.

 

“Go back upstairs, Dean. Hang out with Cas. Go have fun.” Sam encouraged, patting Dean on the back.

 

“I love you, Sammy boy. And I’m never taking these bracelets off.” Dean told him, slipping two of them onto his left wrist and one on his right.

 

Dean went back up to his bedroom where Cas was lying down, staring up at the ceiling.

 

“You okay?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah, I just got a little emotional. Did you know that I have the best family ever?”

 

"No shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only 15 chapters left! Okay, I keep going back and forth between 62 and 63 chapters. I'll take one out and then I'll put a completely different and new one in and I can't make up my mind! I think it'll stay 63 for now. Everything looks pretty stable so far. 
> 
> I'm writing as fast as I can! I'm trying to get this done as fast as possible, but I don't want to rush it and make my writing low quality. The next chapter will be up a day sooner than normal. (I'm ready to start writing a new fic but I don't want to get caught up in it and leave you guys hanging here....)
> 
> Lastly,
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you guys think so far about this story, or if you have any predictions about the boys' future! Love you all <3


	49. The Best Night of Our Lives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of sex i guess? and warning, there is intense dancing between boys!!!!

**_ Saturday, May 30 _ **

 

Dean straightened his black tie that went with his black suit jacket and dress pants. He was wearing expensive shoes and a white button down to complete the look. He was supposed to go pick up Cas in fifteen minutes. Sam, Mary, Gabe, and Cas were already at the Novak household, waiting for Dean to come over so they can take pictures together.

 

He pulled on his sleeves, straightening his collars and smoothing down his fancy dress pants. Dean sprayed just a little cologne on his neck and chest before taking in a deep breath and grabbing his phone, his keys, and chapstick to put in his pockets.

 

Stepping out of his room, Dean went downstairs in the empty house and closed the front door behind him. He unlocked the Impala and slid into the front seat, turning on the car and the radio. Dean rolled the windows down before he pulled out of the drive way and headed down the street slowly, turning once, then twice, before he came to a stop outside of Cas’ house.

 

Dean turned the car off and just sat outside of the house for a few minutes so he could put himself together. He was going to prom. With his boyfriend of almost a _year._ They were going to dance and kiss and go to a fancy hotel afterwards and probably have sex and he couldn’t wait for the night to begin.

 

But, he was _so_ nervous. Dean had never been out dancing before, or at least never been in public like that. He could admit to jamming out in his room when nobody else was home to whatever was on the radio, but who doesn't do that? Prom was a thing that couples did. And they always had fun and danced like there was no tomorrow. Dean has fun with Cas when they’re just lying on the couch in their pajamas. That means that at the dance he’s going to have a blast, right? Right.

 

They were graduating soon. _Graduating_. And then they had to face the real world. It _did_ make Dean feel a million times better that he would be trying out adulthood with Cas. They would go through it together. Probably fail at first, but it wouldn't matter since they had each other. 

 

Dean got out of the car and walked up to the house, stepping inside. Cas said he’d leave the door unlocked for him. Mary, Gabe, and Sam were sitting in the living room. Gabe and Mary had cameras in their hands and Sam was just smiling like an idiot. As soon as he saw the trio, Dean couldn’t control his blush.

 

How could he? His family was here to show Cas and Dean out to prom, take pictures of them so they can remember this for a lifetime, and to support them, mostly. Neither of them had really been to a big dance like this, it was a new experience that Dean was glad he was going to experience with Cas.

 

Speaking of Cas….

 

His _perfectineveryway_ boyfriend appeared from around the corner of the kitchen wall, revealing his freshly pressed black slacks and matching jacket with a black bowtie. He was wearing thick eyeliner and all of his piercings were in. Well, of what Dean could see. Of course, Dean couldn’t help his ridiculous smile. But, apparently, neither could Cas.

 

“Hey, you look good.” Cas shyly stepped closer to Dean.

 

“Thanks, uh, so do you. I like the bowtie.” Dean complimented him. He noticed that Cas was standing with his hands behind his back. “What are you hiding?”

 

Cas pulled his hands out from behind him and revealed a bouquet of roses and a red boutonniere that matched the one he had on his chest. Cas’ face was red as well, blushing like mad.

 

“ _Cas_ , you didn’t have to get me anything.” Dean thought they were just going to spend all their money at the hotel that night, ordering room service and paying off the guy who has to tell them to keep it down while they’re having loud sex at three in the morning. At least, that was the plan.

 

“I know, baby. I wanted to. Besides, we had more than enough. I don’t treat you to nice things as much as you deserve.” Cas put the flowers on the arm on the couch and fastened the single flower to Dean’s chest.

 

“Thank you, Cas.” Dean stroked down his arm and kept his hand on his back when he was temporarily blinded by a bright flash. “Hey!”

 

“That’s payback from the night you took pictures of me and Jess. But you look nice by the way.” Sam smirked.

 

“Alright, Sam. Give it back, now.” Mary held out her hand and Sam handed her the camera.

 

“Okay, guys. Now strike a pose!” Gabe gestured for them to go stand by the fireplace for a better background than the front door.

 

Dean and Cas shuffled over there and faced their families. Not knowing what else to do, Dean turned his body in slightly and wrapped his arm around Cas’ waist. Cas followed his lead, pulling Dean’s body a little closer.

 

They smiled wide, heads coming together in the middle.

 

Then, Dean couldn’t help himself. He went all the way, yanking Cas in and kissing him right on the lips in front of everybody. I mean, what the fuck, right? Prom was only one night, and Dean wanted to spend it with Cas, slow dancing with him and kissing him and touching him. So what? He had been looking forward to that night for almost a year now, and he wanted to get it started.

 

He heard whoops and whistles coming from Gabe and Sam, and Dean smiled against Cas’ lips. Once he pulled back for air, Dean saw everybody just staring at them.

 

“Did you guys get enough pictures?” Cas asked.

 

“I think so. Mary?”

 

“I got enough. Go on ahead, boys, I know you can’t wait.” Mary told them.

 

Dean let go of Cas just long enough so he could give her, Sam, and even Gabe a kiss on the forehead.

 

“Bye! I love you, Ma! Don’t wait up!” Dean called as Cas dragged him back through the front door. They stumbled through the short walk way that led up to the Impala. Dean unlocked the car and opened Cas’ door for him before running around to his side and slipping into the front seat.

 

Gabe insisted that they rented a limo, but Dean wanted to show up to his last few days of high school is his baby. Plus, his car was better than any limo that money could buy.

 

Catching Dean by surprise, Cas pulled him in by the tie for a kiss. “I can’t wait to dance with you.”

 

Dean pushed Cas’ fingers away from his chest do he could smooth out his tie again. “You’re gonna get me all wrinkled! Well, I guess it doesn’t matter because I only dressed up so I can impress you.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes. “You know I’m always impressed by you. Let’s go, I really want to walk in with you. I’m so excited, Dean!”

 

“I know, I know. I love you. Kiss me on the cheek and we can go,” Dean turned his head so that his right cheek was presented in front of Cas’ face. He heard him giggle before a loud, wet kiss was planted right where he wanted. “Thank you, Cas. And we’re off!”

 

Dean pulled out of the driveway and sped off --going twenty miles an hour because they were in a neighborhood-- towards the school.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh my god, I love this song!” Cas yanked on Dean’s hand and took him into the middle of the dance floor. There were three hundred dancing teenagers around them, just having fun and enjoying their last days of high school. Even though Dean was never really friends with any of them, it was still nice to spend the night with people that he’d known since he was in grade school.

 

 _Blank Space_ by Taylor Swift had started playing when Cas dragged Dean onto the dance floor. It’s not that Dean had any problems with Taylor Swift, she was really talented, but he didn’t think that was Cas’ style. Once they found where they wanted to be and started dancing, Dean leaned in close so he could be heard over the music. “I didn’t know you liked Taylor Swift’s music.”

 

“Of _course_ I do, I like all music. Except country. Taylor Swift is a really good artist. And yeah, some people think she's still country but they obviously haven't heard her new album 1989.” Cas answered.

 

Dean just nodded, not bothering to say anything back. The music was loud, just the way he liked it. As soon as they walked in, the couple saw that the gymnasium was packed. They took their suit jackets off and laid them over the backs of two chairs that they were going to sit at later in the night when they got tired of dancing or hungry.

 

Dean smiled when Cas spun him by the hand and pulled him in close to his chest, singing along.

 

“ _So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames, you can tell me when it's over, if the high was worth the pain, got a long list of ex-lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane, cause you know I love the players, and you love the game…._ ”

 

“I love you.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hands and twirled him around.

 

“I love you, too.” Cas smiled as Dean moved in to kiss him. “There’s plenty of time for kissing later, come dance with me!”

 

Dean made a pouty face. “Come on, just one more?”

 

“Alright, just _one_.”

 

Dean smirked in victory before he grabbed Cas’ hips and kissed him hard.

 

Hey, if he only had one, he had to make it last.

 

Dean made sure that the kissed until the song was over. As soon as the beginning of _Uptown Funk_ came on, Dean let go of Cas and started dancing, not even caring about how stupid he probably looked right then. It didn’t matter. If Cas thought he was ridiculous, he didn’t show it.

 

* * *

 

 

After about another hour of what Dean would label as hardcore dancing, a slow song came on. He knew he’d heard it before, Sam played it in his room sometimes. _Stay With Me_ , maybe. By Sam Smith. Yeah, that sounded right.

 

Cas turned Dean around so they were facing each other. The only reason they weren’t was because they surprisingly played _Anaconda_ , and how can you _not_ grind hard while listening to it?

 

Yeah, Dean had no idea Cas could move like _that_.

 

Dean shyly wrapped his arms around Cas’ shoulders and pressed their chests together. He suddenly felt safer when Cas pulled Dean impossibly closer with two strong hands around his waist. It didn’t bother him at all that _technically_ he was dancing as the ‘girl’ in their positions. So what? He liked being able to hold Cas close to his chest. He liked resting his hands around his back and neck. He liked being held tight around his middle. Being close like that with Cas holding him against his body just made him feel loved and warm and comforted.

 

Dean rested his head on Cas’ shoulder, turning it in so he could nuzzle into his neck. Cas started rubbing his back as they swayed slowly in time with each other.

 

As the night went on, Dean and Cas stayed like that, tucked into each other’s bodies. Even when the fast songs came on and couples broke up in favor of grinding with their friends, Dean and Cas still slow danced, holding on to each other. Of course, they had to get out of the middle of the crowd so they weren’t in anybody’s way, so they just shifted over to the side where it was less packed.

 

Dean lifted his head up from its place on Cas’ shoulder so he could check his phone. It was 11:15, and the school was supposed to kick people out at around midnight.

 

“Cas?”

 

“Yeah, baby?” Cas stroked down his sides.

 

“What do you say we leave here now and get to the hotel early? It’s getting late, and people are leaving. We should head out and get ready for the rest of our night together.” Dean kissed Cas on the cheek.

 

“Alright, baby. Let’s go. The room was supposed to be ready at nine, so we can leave now.” Cas let go of one of Dean’s sides so they could walk with their arms around each other back to the table.

 

Dean helped Cas into his jacket after he got his own on. They didn’t even take a break to eat, they were so caught up in laughing and keeping their hands on each other.

 

He could barely take his hands off of Cas as they were getting into the car, grabbing around his waist and stroking up and down his arms.

 

“Come on, Dean! You have to let go of me if you want to get to the hotel any time soon.” Cas peeled Dean’s wandering fingers off of his hips.

 

Dean reluctantly got into the Impala with him, leaving the loud music and sweaty teenagers behind. He got the directions from Cas and pulled into the parking lot. He was concerned that it would be crowded with kids from his school, but now he sees that he had nothing to worry about. The hotel was way too fancy for high schoolers to afford. It was tall and there were swirly columns by the front door and there was a bellboy and optional valet parking – which Dean didn’t choose because there was no way in hell he was going to give someone his car – and they even had a huge pool that went around the side.

 

Dean parked and unbuckled his seatbelt. He leaned across the middle of the bench so he could catch Cas’ lips in a kiss. “I can’t wait to spend the night with you alone, but I’m seriously _so_ hungry right now. Can we go eat?”

 

Cas smiled and kissed Dean again. “Tell you what. You go inside and get all comfortable in our room, and I’ll go get us some takeout. Just go relax, baby. I’ll take care of you.”

 

“Yeah? You’d do that for me?” Even though Dean was a little uneasy about letting Cas drive his car, going upstairs and getting ready for him sounded amazing. No, not sexually. Dean was planning on taking his suit and uncomfortable shoes off and then snuggling with a pillow until he came back with food. 

 

“I’d do anything for you.” Cas reached into his back pocket and pulled something out. “Here. This is our room key. It’s the _Lover’s_ _Suite_ on the 47 th floor. If you need any help, just ask for a girl named Anna. She works at the front desk. I love you, okay? I’ll be back in about a half an hour.”

 

Dean took the key from Cas and slipped it into his pocket. The instructions sounded simple enough. “Should I take our bags up?”

 

“It’s okay, I got them. Go ahead, baby.” Cas ran his hands through Dean’s hair one more time before they both got out of the car, Dean to go into the hotel, and Cas to get in on the other side so he could drive.

 

Dean kissed him one more time before turning and walking to the hotel entrance. He made his way to the 47th floor and just wandered around until he found one labeled as _Lover’s Suite_ just like Cas said. He thought he got lost at one point, but it would have just been way too much work if he had to go find the elevator and then ask someone where the suite was. Plus, even though he _did_ take the elevator, it was still 47 floors. That’s a lot.

 

Dean slid the little card into the slot and watched the light go from red to green. He opened the heavy wooden door and turned on the light so he could see where he was going.

 

Yeah, this room was definitely meant for couples who were going to have sex.

 

It had a _giant_ bed with expensive silk sheets and pillows everywhere, a huge TV, windows with the thick drapes closed, a large clean white bathroom with a bath that they were going to use for sure in the morning, and a mirror above the headboard on the bed.

 

The mirror made Dean uncomfortable. He’d have to ask Cas about removing it before they did anything. Cas might enjoy it, but Dean still didn’t like seeing his own naked body.

 

Dean took his jacket and shoes off, keeping the shoes on the floor and putting the jacket over on the ‘kitchen’ counter. He didn’t know how comfortable Cas wanted him to get, so Dean just decided to do what felt right. He peeled off his socks and loosened his tie so he could pull it over his head. Next were his button up and slacks, which he carefully  folded up so they wouldn’t get wrinkled. Dean kept his underwear on.

 

He didn’t know where to sit or what to do while he waited, so he just plucked a blanket off from the couch, wrapped it around himself, and curled up with it in front of the TV. There wasn’t much on, but he managed to find a good enough rerun of _Seinfeld_.

 

Just when the end-of-the-show credits were rolling, he heard a knock on the door. If it wasn’t Cas, Dean was royally screwed because he was wearing nothing but a pair of tight blue briefs. He secured the blanket around himself tighter and peeked through the little eye thing in the middle of the door. Dean saw Cas with his arms full with Chinese and two bags at his feet.

 

Dean opened the door for him, but kept hidden behind it in case anyone just so happened to walk by. Cas kicked the bags far enough into the room so the door would close, and he set the food containers on the small table in the kitchen area.

 

“You certainly look comfortable.” Cas smiled at Dean.

 

“Of course I do. How does taking your clothes off and eating Chinese with me in bed in our underwear sound?” Dean offered.

 

“Heavenly.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m full.” Dean announced.

 

“Then stop eating.” Cas giggled.

 

“I can’t… food… too… good!” Dean shoveled another forkful of orange chicken in his mouth.

 

“You are ridiculous.” Cas said, but Dean knew he wasn’t serious because Cas finished that statement by feeding Dean some rice.

 

“I love you.” Dean kissed Cas as soon as he swallowed.

 

Dean watched as Cas started boxing up what was left of the food and he put them in the hotel room mini fridge. He had to get out of their warm bed to do so, and Dean caught quite a glimpse of Cas’ long, smooth, muscular body.

 

 _Had he been working out?_ Dean thought, _No, probably – definitely, not._

Whatever. He was still hot, as always.

 

When Cas returned to their bed, Dean immediately wrapped himself around the boy, arm over chest and leg over hips.

 

“I wanna have sex with you,” he said, voice muffled by Cas’ chest. “but I want the mirror gone.”

 

“I think that can be arranged.” Cas told him. Dean knew he would get taken care of by the looks of that devious grin on Cas’ face.

__

* * *

  

At 4:00 AM when they couldn’t come any more times and they were too tired for another round, Dean collapsed completely, Cas right behind him.

 

“In the morning, I want to take a long, hot, steamy, soapy bath with you.” Cas whispered into Dean’s ear. That alone would normally be enough to get him to think filthy thoughts and get hard, but he was too sated to even think about coming again.

 

“Mhm. I think that can be arranged.” Dean said sleepily, stealing Cas’ line from earlier.

 

“Thank you for going to prom with me. I love you.” Cas’ words were barely heard by Dean.

 

“Thank you for everything. I love you, too.”

 

Dean fell asleep, soft smile on his face. He was ready for anything life could throw at him. It wouldn’t get any better than this.

 

 [tg1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually times pretty well! It's prom season. I helped my sister pick out her prom dress the other day and it's realllyyyy pretty! Are any of you guys going to prom? Or if not, do you have any plans for that special evening? I'd love to hear about it, you guys are all so interesting!
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! The next chapter will be up soon. Much love from me <333
> 
> (As you can see, I have added yet another chapter to this fic. Sorry for dragging this along! I swearI'm going as fast as I can!)


	50. Tattoo

**_ July 26 _ **

 

“Are you sure about this?” Cas asked before they went inside the parlor.

 

“Absolutely.” Dean didn’t even have to think. He’d been deciding on what to get for about a few months now, going over colors and patterns and words and he finally came to a decision about what was going to be permanently on his body. He and Cas had talked about this for a long time. They were going to get matching tattoos.

 

Not anything that had their names or faces on each other. That was just asking for something bad to happen. Cas suggested he picked something he was comfortable with and meant something to him, and he would find a way to make it fit for himself as well.

 

Dean thought about that for a long time. What tattoo did he want? Where did he want it? Colors? Black and white? What should it even be?

 

It occurred to him that he would have to show his body to the person who was going to actually tattoo him. Yeah, that would be a little uncomfortable at first. At least for him. Cas is the only one who’s ever seen them. Even when he told Sam, he never actually showed him the scars.

 

Dean did some research about tattooing over scars. It’s not that he was using the tattoo as a cover up for them, there was just nowhere on his body that had normal skin he could really tattoo. Except his feet and lower calves.

 

He decided to get something tattooed on his left shoulder, near his collarbone. He wanted the words _I will not let myself sink_ next to a black anchor.

 

Dean felt that it really defined what he’d been through. He’d spent so many years of his life just sinking and feeling like he was being weighed down, with nowhere to go. He let himself feel that way, not thinking he could get help, get someone to take the anchor away. He had to do it himself. Dean took charge of his life, making changes in the way that he thought and acted towards himself. He stopped letting himself sink. It was time to float.

 

After Dean told Cas what he wanted, his boyfriend got the idea that he could get, on the same spot that Dean was, a little black boat with no anchor. Dean thought it was a great idea, and it would even look really good with the tattoos that he already had.

 

Cas led Dean by the hand into the tattoo shop. The guy at the counter looked up at their arrival and smiled.

 

Dean had never met him before. They scheduled an appointment with him over the phone, getting through the details of size, color, placement, tattooing over scars, and prices.

 

He looked a little intimidating, but also like he totally knew what he was doing, which made Dean feel a little better. He had short brown hair and a beard, and he was covered in tattoos. He had full colored sleeves and there was a black bird on his collarbone and his shirt had a picture of Marilyn Monroe on it and his jeans had rips in them and he kept a pen tucked behind his ear. Dean saw that he had black gages in them.

 

“You must be Dean and Cas. I’m Benny. It’s nice to meet you both in person.” Benny walked around the counter and held out a hand to Dean and then Cas.

 

“So, which one of you is Dean?” he asked.

 

Before Dean could answer, Cas wrapped his arm around his shoulders and said, “This _beautiful_ little peach with cute freckles right here is Dean.”

 

Dean just blushed and failed miserably to hide it.

 

Benny smiled. “You’re the one who wants the words with the anchor, right?”

 

Dean nodded, leaning into Cas.

 

“Cool. I have them all drawn up for you guys. Come with me to the back room, I’ll get them out.”

 

Dean and Cas followed Benny through a hallway and into a bright, clean room. He looked through a manila folder and pulled out two pieces of paper, handing them to Dean and Cas. On one, it had Dean’s words, _I will not let myself sink_ in front of a small black anchor. The words weren’t quite cursive, but they flowed into each other like it was. The anchor was solid, but in the top corner there was a small heart cut out of it. He peeked over to Cas’ and smiled. The boat was little and filled in completely black. Dean thought that the tattoos looked really good together, and you could tell that they were matching, without it actually being _matching_.

 

“I love it,” the couple said at the same time. They giggled at each other’s silliness.

 

Dean kissed Cas on the cheek. “I’m so _excited_.”

 

“I’m glad. I love you.” Cas rubbed down Dean’s side.

 

Dean totally forgot that Benny, their tattoo guy, was still standing right there. At first, he felt pretty awkward, but then he saw the smile on Benny’s face.

 

“I’m glad you like them. I don’t mean to be rude, but I was just curious; how long have you two been together? You’re an adorable couple. Excuse me if I’m imposing….”

 

Dean giggled a little at the compliment. He loved it when people said they were cute. Because, hey, they _were_. No arguments to be made there.

 

“One year and three months. We just graduated high school, and we’re looking for a place in the city to live in.” Dean answered.

 

“Wow, congratulations. That’s a long time.” Benny looked at them happily.

 

“Thanks, I don’t know about him, but I can’t wait.” Cas ran a hand through Dean’s hair.

 

“So, which one of you guys is going first?” Benny asked.

 

Before Cas could say that he would, like Dean thought, Dean stepped forward. “I’d like to go first.”

 

“Really?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah. I want to go before you. I’m sure.” Dean knew that was what he wanted.

 

Cas just nodded and took his hand.

 

“Alright then. Come up here.” Benny pointed to a padded platform to sit on like the ones at the doctor’s office. Dean hopped up on it, and Benny started grabbing some stuff out of the cabinet.

 

“I’m gonna need you to take your shirt off.” Benny said, putting some solutions next to Dean on the bench.

 

Dean looked to Cas for conformation. When he saw an encouraging smile on his boyfriend’s lovely face, Dean began to unbutton his flannel. Once all the clasps came undone, he slipped the shirt off of his shoulders and handed it to Cas.

 

“Alright. I know I told you all of this stuff earlier on the phone, but I just wanted to repeat myself just in case you forgot and to make it all clear. I can tattoo over your scars, but the ink might look fuzzy and not as sharp. You’re still okay with that?” Benny asked.

 

Dean nodded. “That’s okay.” He knew it could turn out not what he imagined, but it was so worth it. Plus, the scars closer to his collarbone weren’t as thick as the ones by his shoulders.

 

Benny just opened up a bottle of something and spread it all over Dean’s chest and shoulder. It was cold.

 

“Sorry about the scars. I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable.” Dean scratched at the back of his neck, trying to seem too insecure.

 

“’Course not, brother. It’s none of my business about what you’ve been through, but it’s pretty cool that you’re getting a tattoo even though you seem a little uncomfortable about showing me your scars. Very inspiring.” Benny patted Dean on the back before telling him to lay flat. He pulled a chair over to where Dean was lying.

 

“Tell me when you’re ready.” Benny waited.

 

Dean reached with his opposite arm to try to find Cas’ body. He pulled him closer by the t-shirt and found his hand to hold on to. “Kiss me.”

 

Cas leaned down to kiss him upside down, an awkward Spiderman kiss.

 

“Okay, I’m ready.”

 

* * *

 

 

The couple looked at themselves in the mirror for the first time. Dean waited until Cas’ tattoo was done so they could look at it together. Cas was holding Dean’s arm, resting his head against his shoulder. Their new tattoos were red around the edges, freshly inked skin relatively irritated. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’ bare stomach.

 

“I love it, Benny. I love it. I love _them_. Thank you, thank you so much.” Dean turned around so he could see Benny’s face.

 

“You’re welcome. You did surprisingly well for your first tattoo. High pain tolerance?”

 

Dean gave him a small, sad smile. “I guess so.”

 

Cas kissed him on the cheek. “Love you, baby. I’m so proud of you.”

 

Dean just stared at his chest in the mirror. He didn’t look at his scars, he was too busy staring at the new mark on his body that he was ecstatic to see. It turned out so _good_. The ink was barely smudged, less than he thought, and the anchor looked amazing next to the words. Cas’ ship went with his black tattoos perfectly, making his whole body an elegant art piece. Dean was so glad that he and Cas went through with this.

 

As soon as Dean was done with smiling like an idiot in the mirror, he and Cas slowly put their shirts back on. Dean buttoned the shirt all the way to the top gently, trying not to agitate the tattoo. His skin was extremely sensitive. Benny gave them both the procedure to keep the areas clean and free from infection. Dean wondered how many times Cas had to go through that speech.

 

After the big tattoo event, Cas decided that then was as good a time as any to get his bellybutton pierced. Dean asked if he should think about it, and Cas just shrugged and said, “Let’s get this over with.”

 

About five minutes later he came out with a fine black stud that went right through his bellybutton and a smile on his face. “I’ve always wanted that but people told me it was too girly. I’m glad I got it done. Ready to go home?”

 

“Yeah, I’m ready. And for the record, they obviously don’t know what they’re talking about… you look so hot right now.”

 

Cas blushed. “Thanks, Dean.”

 

After they paid and thanked Benny about ten more times, Dean and Cas got back into the Impala and headed home, too tired to do anything else.

 

When they got back to Dean’s house, Dean realized that Sam would want to see. He really wanted to show him, too, because it meant so much to him and it was his first tattoo, of course he wanted to show it off. Dean was just uneasy about Sam seeing his scars. He didn’t tell Mary that he went to go get a tattoo, he wasn’t ready for her to know, yet. He’d tell her once he was in a better place.

 

Cas opened the front door and Sam came running down the stairs. “Let me see, guys! I’ve been waiting for forever!”

 

Dean smiled, but he really didn’t know what to feel. Yes, he was going to show Sam, but he was afraid of what he would do once he actually saw the scars.

 

Cas showed him first, pulling the neck of his shirt down far enough so Sam could see.

 

“Dude! That’s awesome! And it, like, matches all your other ones, right? Cool! Dean, can I see yours?” Sam pushed his long brown hair back with one hand. He looked so excited for them, so happy for them. Dean just nodded, unable to do anything else, and unbuttoned the top three buttons on his shirt.

 

He watched Sam’s face for any signs of disgust, but he just saw another excited smile. Sam pulled him in for a hug, careful of the tattoo, and told Dean he loved him.

 

“I love you, too, kiddo.” Dean kissed Sam’s forehead and followed him into the kitchen where they pulled hot pockets out of the freezer for dinner.

 

“Are you ever going to tell Mom?” Sam asked after the trio were sitting at the kitchen table.

 

“Tell her about the tattoo, or about… what I told you?” Dean put his hot pocket down. It was too hot to eat.

 

“Both.” Sam answered.

 

“Not yet. I’ll do it at the same time, when I _do_ tell her. I just can’t yet. Not now. I swear I will, Sammy. She means everything to me. I need some time.” Dean crossed his arms and set them on the table.

 

Sam nodded, understanding. “It’s okay, no pressure. I just wanted to know so I knew if I should keep my mouth shut about it or not. I guess I will. Just let me know, though, when you want to tell her. I don’t want to ruin this for you.”

 

“Don’t worry, Sammy. You’re fine. I’ll tell you when I’m ready, okay?” Dean looked down at his hands. He played with the ring on his finger. Cas placed a hand on Dean’s thigh under the table, gently rubbing from his hip to his knee.

 

“Okay.” Sam smiled at Dean. “So, Cas, are you and Dean getting married?”

 

The question made Dean choke on his ham and melted cheese hot pocket.

 

“ _What_?” Dean said once he caught his breath.

 

“Well, you’re wearing his ring. On your ring finger. Your left one. Isn’t that like an engagement ring, then?” Sam explained his question.

 

Dean didn’t know how to answer, and by the looks of it, Cas didn’t either.

 

“We – we uh, it’s a possibility. Anything can happen.” Cas finally said something. “It was more of a gift so he could be reminded of my love for him whenever he looks at it. A promise from me to Dean that I will always love him no matter what. I know he already knows it, but it’s just a nice thing for me to do for him. If we _do_ end up getting engaged and married, we would get a different ring for it.”

 

Dean smiled, happy to hear those things coming from Cas. It’s not like he could have pulled it out of thin air, he had definitely been thinking about them.

 

“Yeah. It’s just a promise. A really, _really_ , nice promise.” Dean leaned in to give Cas a kiss, chaste, because Sam was there.

 

“Ew. Kissing.” Sam complained.

 

“Shut up, Sam. I see you making out with Jess all the time, grosser than this. We didn’t even use tongue.” Dean said back, voice filled with attitude.

 

“Damn, sorry!”

 

“Language, bitch.” Dean laughed at Sam’s reacting face.

 

“Jerk. I’m gonna go call Jess. I miss her. I haven’t seen her in like three weeks.” Sam went up to his room after putting his plate away.

 

“How come Sam hasn’t seen Jess in so long?” Cas asked.

 

“She’s at this science camp, it’s in like California or something. She’s gone for a whole month and she comes back next week. Sam’s been missing her like crazy. As much as I love teasing him about her, I think about how I would feel if I couldn’t be with you for a month. I’d probably go crazy without you being here with me, sending me cute texts and kissing me and hugging me and calling me when I’m too sick to see you because I’m afraid _I’ll_ get _you_ sick. I love you. I can’t even go a day now without seeing you or hearing your voice.” Dean scooted closer to Cas around the table so he could rest his head on Cas’ shoulder.

 

“I love you so much, Dean.” Cas squeezed Dean’s thigh.

 

“I know. I love you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys can give thanks to Superwholockislife for giving me the idea about getting matching tattoos! There's only 14 more chapters left, guys. Almost there! I'll post again on Friday, I think. A day early. I'm so excited for the big final chapter! Is there anything that you would like to see in the end chapters that I could squeeze in there? Let me know! Much love <3


	51. Apartment

**_ Early August, Dean’s Freshman Year at UIC _ **

 

Dean dropped the first box labeled _bedroom_ onto the hardwood floor. Cas gently set his own cardboard box onto the couch. He turned to face Cas, sighing happily and pulling him in by the waist for a soft, long kiss.

 

“Welcome home, baby.” Dean went in for another kiss, smiling against Cas’ lips.

 

“I can’t believe we have our own _apartment_! We’re like, real adults. And in three days I have that job thing at that tattoo shop down the street, and I’m going to talk to the owner in my proper nervous talk, and you’re going to school in two weeks, and you’re gonna do awesome, and we live _together_. Together, Dean.” Cas pulled Dean deeper into their new apartment.

 

“I know, it’s _so_ exciting, babe.” Dean was unbelievably happy about the fact that they were starting their lives together. Everything was going as planned.

 

“We should go get our other boxes. We have a ton to unpack.” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand and led him out the door.

 

Bobby let them borrow two of his trucks so they could move things in one trip instead of having to go back in forth from Chicago to their houses in the Impala. The only downside is that Dean wanted to drive down together, but hey, he’d be living with this amazing human being. He could take just a little more separation before he got to wake up with him every day and kiss him good morning and make him breakfast and call him when he has lunch breaks at his probably new job that Dean knows he’s going to get because he’s incredible and talented and everything that the tattoo place could want.

 

After they brought in all their boxes and unpacked about one third of them, Dean and Cas found some pajamas and slipped into their new bed. Their bedroom was bare, still needing to be painted one day when they actually have time, and the furniture needed to be moved in, but it was _their_ room. Dean and Cas would do so many things together in there. Read, sleep, have lots and lots of sex, get dressed, wake up, kiss, laugh, and every single thing that Dean had been dreaming about doing with him.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Dean and Cas woke up extra early so they could go back to their old homes and bring the trucks back to Bobby, pick up a few items that wouldn’t fit in them on the first trip, and say goodbye to their families. They would visit at least every other weekend, and Dean would certainly text or call Sam all the time but it wasn’t the same as picking him up from school or driving him home from Jess’ house or being able to tease him about everything. He would miss Sam like crazy. Not that he wouldn’t miss Mary, but he was sort of used to not seeing her, as much as Dean hated to admit it.

 

Dean and Cas got out of the trucks in Bobby’s parking lot. Cas let Dean go inside to say his goodbyes. He really would miss working there. When he told Bobby the same, he promised to have a job open for Dean in the summer when he came home, if he wanted. And he could always come back to get his Impala fixed up. Dean would definitely take him up on his offer.

 

After Dean hugged Bobby, he walked back out into the parking lot where Cas was waiting for him in the passenger’s side of the Impala with the windows rolled down.

 

Dean drove to the Novak household. Cas and Dean went inside together to say their goodbyes to Gabriel, Dean hugging him and promising that they’ll call.

 

“Don’t forget Sam. I know you guys liked hanging out, and please don’t stop just because you don’t have me and Cas as an excuse. He’s going to need someone like you while I’m gone.”

 

“I promise. That kid's special, I'm gonna be there for him.”

 

He left without Cas, giving the brothers some privacy. He knows he’ll want some with Sam, just to say some things that he’d prefer Cas and his mom didn’t hear.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas clasped his hands behind his back awkwardly. He didn’t even know what to say. Because of Gabe's decision to move, Cas had become a completely new kid. Dean had changed him so much, they met while he was a party-loving sex-crazed trouble maker who thought he was completely incapable of love, and he turned into a straight B+ to A- person with a serious boyfriend that he was _moving in with,_ plus he had a job interview lined up and big plans for his future.

 

He’d transformed into a whole new person in just over a year, after Gabe made the decision to move to a new town, new area, new school, new people, because Cas wasn’t doing well in school. Gabe wanted him to have fun and make friends, but he thought the life he was living was too extreme. Cas had been resistant to moving, not wanting to have to start over. He liked the people he knew before, even though sometimes they got him into some bad things.

 

Gabe took control of the situation, realizing that his brother wasn’t in a safe place. He didn’t even budge when Cas tried to get Gabe to let them stay, like he had attempted a number of times. Gabriel always knew what was best for Cas. Always. He had to take charge thirteen years ago when the accident happened and both of their parents died. He took Cas in and tried to give him his life back. He had to become a father figure at such a young age, and he did an amazing job at it, while still being successful. Castiel owed him everything.

 

“Gabe….” Cas started, not even sure of what he was going to say. What _could_ he say?

 

“I know, Cassie. I know.” Gabriel pulled him in for a hug. Cas squeezed him back, but pulled away so he could try to talk again.

 

“Just, thank you. Thank you so much. You _raised_ me. You took me into your home, your _life_. You could have just put me up for adoption when Mom and Dad died, but you kept me. You’re my brother.

 

“You loved me even when I was a bad kid. Even when I came home with different people, even when I told you that I hated you. I still regret that day. I never hated you. Never. You loved me still when I started liking boys, too, and when I started wearing eyeliner. You loved me when I told you that I wanted some things on my face pierced. You loved me when I begged you to sign off on underage tattoos. You loved me when I got held back from school, and you never called me stupid even though it always felt like I was. You loved me when I started having nightmares as a kid and you bought me a dream catcher to keep them away.

 

“You loved me when you moved us here. And now I’m moving out. And you still love me. And I love you, too. You will always, _always_ be there for me. I know I can call you at work and you’ll drop everything for me, even if I just wanted to tell you that I got a good grade or that Dean and I did something new. You’re my brother. You’re not just my brother, you’re my _family_. I can’t believe that I’m leaving home. I’m not going to come home to you half naked on the couch watching reruns of old 90’s TV shows. Or see you leave for work some days tired in the mornings, but come home with a smile on your face because you love your job.

 

“I love you, Gabe. I’m gonna miss you.” Cas crossed his arms and put his head down. He bit his lip, tugging on the ring. Cas didn’t want to think about how bad he would miss Gabe.

 

Gabriel uncrossed Cas’ hands from his chest and hugged him again, this time warmer and tighter and longer.

 

“You’re moving out,” Gabe said softly, right next to Cas’ ear, “but I will always be your brother. I’m just a phone call away. You’re always going to have your place here, Cassie. At home. You can come whenever you want, I can drive up and come visit, or you can come down here for the weekend. You’re starting your life, Cas. I’m proud of you. You moving away doesn’t mean that I’m less of a brother to you.” Gabe pulled away, letting Cas out of his grip. “I love you. I’m going to miss you like crazy. Now, go. Go get your boyfriend and get out of here before I make you stay.” Gabe held up one finger. “Wait. I’ll be right back.”

 

All Cas could do was wait as he watched Gabe disappear up the stairs. He came back about a minute later, holding something behind his back.

 

“I didn’t wrap it, but here.”

 

Cas took the gift from his hands. It was a picture frame. He turned it over so he could see what Gabe had framed for him. It was a photo of them at Cas’ seventh birthday, the first real ‘family’ thing since the accident.

 

Cas was smiling wide, holding up a box of what looked like toy cars, Gabe was younger, and the picture was at an awkward angle because Gabriel had to take it himself. They didn’t have anybody else to take it for them. Cas was wearing a shirt that said _I’m the awesome brother_ and he had long hair.

 

Cas looked up from the photograph.

 

“Thank you. I’ll put this up in the living area for sure. Thank you, Gabe. This really means a lot.” Cas hugged him again and kissed him on the cheek before he let go.

“You’d better go, Cas.” Gabe said.

 

“I know, I know. I’ll miss you. I’ll call you. I love you.” Cas promised, already opening the front door into the late summer heat.

 

“I love you, too.” Gabe called.”

 

Cas waved before he got into the Impala, saying goodbye to his brother.

 

“What’s that?” Dean asked, pointing to the frame.

 

“A present from Gabe.” Cas showed him the picture.

 

“Oh, that’s really nice. And you were an adorable kid. We’ll find somewhere to put it.” Dean assured him as he pulled out of the Novak’s household and drove down the street.

 

The short drive was quiet. The boys were both sad about leaving, not really in the mood to talk about anything. It would be different when they actually got to _their_ _new home_ , but right then it was about saying their goodbyes. Dean parked outside the Winchester house, and they walked in together. Mary was in the kitchen.

 

She gave Cas a good, motherly kiss and a hug goodbye, shoving a large container into his hands. Mary told him it was her freshest two batches of chocolate chip cookies, for the ride home.

 

“Where’s Sam?” Dean asked.

 

“He’s in his room. He doesn’t want to come down and say goodbye.” Mary told them.

 

Cas went upstairs, saying that he would just go up there and give him his goodbyes anyways.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean and Mary kissed and hugged just like she did with Cas.

 

“I can’t believe my little baby Dean is all grown up. You’re a man now, Dean. I’m so proud of how you’ve matured, and now you’re moving out, starting your life. You’re going to college, and you’re going to live in your own apartment. Sam is going to miss you so much, Dean. You should go talk to him, maybe try to make him feel better before you go.” Mary turned away from Dean and handed him a container similar to the one she gave Cas. “It’s dinner. Lasagnas and saucy stuff like that. I know you guys will be busy unpacking, I don’t want you to have to eat fast food for your first few nights in your new home.”

 

Dean thanked Mary and set the food on the couch arm. Cas came down the stairs just as Dean was about to go up them.

 

“He said goodbye, but he didn’t really want to see me. He’s really upset, Dean.” Cas told Dean as they passed each other on the steps.

 

Dean nodded, kissing Cas on the cheek and making him blush. He walked the rest of the way up and saw that Sam’s door was cracked open slightly.

 

Dean opened it the rest of the way. Sam was sitting on his bed against the wall, legs pulled to his chest. He had his head tucked into his knees, and he didn’t look up when Dean came in the room.

 

“I don’t want to see you.” Sam mumbled. Dean could barely hear him. He knew that Sam was just upset, but he still didn’t want to hear that Sam didn’t want him.

 

Dean moved closer to Sam and sat on the bed right next to him. Sam turned his body slightly away.

 

“Hey, don’t be like that, Sam. Please don’t be like that. Hey, look at me.” Dean rubbed Sam’s back in little circles.

 

Sam lifted his head up slightly and faced Dean. His eyes were red and his cheeks were wet. Dean pulled him in tight to his chest.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I’m sorry. I’m selfish and stupid and I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to leave me. I love you, you’re my brother. I can’t live without you.” Sam breathed deep against Dean’s chest.

 

“I’m not leaving you, Sammy boy. I’m not. I’m gonna come home. I’m gonna see your soccer games. And I’ll come pick you up sometimes so you can spend the night with Cas and I. It’ll be great. I’ll call you and text you so often you’re gonna get sick of me,” Dean joked, “but Sam, I don’t ever want to hear you call yourself stupid. You’re not stupid. You’re very smart and extremely gifted.”

 

“Okay. I’m sorry. I’m never gonna get sick of you, D. I just want you here. I want you to be able to kiss me goodnight and tease me about Jess and drive me to school with you. I’m gonna miss your car, you. I’m gonna miss Cas.” Sam had calmed himself down a little.

 

“Listen, Sam. I’m always going to be your big brother. I’m always going to care for you and give you what you need. Even when I’m not with you, I’m still going to wonder how my Sammy is doing. I’m still going to make macaroni with the good cheese because you don’t like the powder stuff, even though you won’t be eating it. And, yeah, I’m moving in with a different person, but Cas doesn’t replace you. Nobody could replace you. You’re my two favorite men in the whole world, and I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost one of you. I’m not losing you, Sam. I’m not.” Dean stroked through his hair softly, soothing him.

 

“I got you something so you won’t forget about me.” Sam got off the bed and went over to his dresser, opening drawers and fishing something out.

 

Dean thought that statement was _ridiculous_. “Sammy, you know I think about you constantly. There’s no chance in hell that I’ll forget you.”

 

Sam shrugged. “It’ll make me feel better.”

 

Dean knew he wouldn’t be changing Sam’s mind, so he just sat back and waited for him to come back to the bed.

 

“Close your eyes.” Sam said.

 

“Sam –“

 

“Just do it, Dean.”

 

Dean reluctantly shut his eyes. He felt a dip in the bed where Sam came to sit again. “Give me your foot.” Sam demanded.

 

Dean uncrossed his legs and stuck his right foot in the air. Sam pulled his shoe and sock off. Dean felt something smooth wrap around his ankle. Sam’s hands were warm, and they made his skin feel cold once he took them away.

 

“Okay, open up.”

 

Dean opened his eyes as he was told and looked down at his foot. Sam had clasped a thick, black anklet around it. The leather was shiny, and the gold charms hung off evenly all around it.

 

He inspected each charm. They were all shapes and sizes. One had Sam’s initials on it, one had Dean’s, one had a boat and anchor just like Cas and Dean’s tattoo’s, and little symbolic things like that.

 

“Sam….” Dean started. He _really_ didn’t have to do that.

 

“Don’t. I want you to have it. I got two, I have the matching one.” Sam lifted up his pant leg high enough to reveal the exact same anklet that Dean was wearing. “I just… I want you to wear it. I want you to wear it and think about me. About living here. I love you, Dean.”

 

Dean stared down at their bare feet, identical jewelry on each one. Sam was incredible. Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist tight and pulled him in close for a hug.

 

“You’re the best brother in the whole world, Sammy. Nobody is better than you. Nobody. I love you so much, it’s crazy. You’re a great kid, Sam. The best.” Dean let him go, but not before he kissed him on the cheek.

 

“Thank you, Dean. I love you. You’d better go, otherwise it’ll be dark when you’re driving back to the city.” Sam pushed back his long brown hair.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Dean didn’t move from where he was, not ready to go yet. Sam grabbed Dean’s wrist and fingered the bracelet that was still there, the one he gave to Dean for Christmas. Dean wore it every day.

 

“Stay safe, okay? Do you still have my list? You’ll call me if something’s wrong, right?” Sam worried his bottom lip.

 

“Of course I still have your list. I look at it every day. And trust me, Sammy, if there ever _is_ something wrong. , I swear to god I’ll call you. Don’t worry about me, though. I’ll be okay. I’ve got Cas to look after me.” Dean assured him.

 

“He’s a good boyfriend, isn’t he?” Sam gave Dean a small smile.

 

“He’s great. And I love him. And I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Dean.”

 

Dean gave Sam one last hug before leaving him in his room and going downstairs. He insisted on Sam to come down with him, but Sam said that he just wanted to be alone for a while. Dean didn’t push.

 

Him and Cas gave Mary another warm goodbye, thanked her for the food once more, and headed off down the road in the Impala.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive to Chicago felt short. Dean held Cas’ hand the whole way there, and they kissed at every stoplight. Cas tasted like chocolate chip cookies. Dean was in a better mood, now that they had gotten everything done at home.

 

When they got to the apartment, Dean and Cas worked together to unpack one more box. They heated up a little section of the lasagna it he microwave and ate it on the couch because their kitchen table hadn’t come in yet.

 

The couple was tired and Dean just wanted to go to bed after two long drives and a day of emotionally draining activities. Dean and Cas climbed into bed and turned the light off, but Dean didn’t fall asleep until he sent his goodnight text to Sam.

 

**D: Goodnight Sammy. Love you**

**S: Thanks Dean. Love you too**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy everybody, so I was totally going to post this last night but I didn't get home from my track meet until midnight and I had practice this morning and I had to do my final edits and excuses excuses. Bottom line I'm really sorry and I'll try to do better for the next few chapters. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> P.S. I was wondering if anybody wanted to see something special in the epilogue or the final chapter? As I'm getting closer I really need to think about the last events that these two love birds are going to go through. Let me know!


	52. Surprises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok sorry guys this is short and rough but happy so here

**_ Dean's Sophomore Year of College at UIC _ **

**__ **

Dean’s right side felt like it weighed a million pounds.

 

Why?

 

Because he had a rock in his pocket. Yeah, a rock. A giant diamond attached to a small titanium circle. They call them engagement rings.

 

Dean had been thinking about proposing to Cas for a year now. About halfway through his freshman year, it started to become serious. Why not? He loved Cas more than everything, anything. He wanted to spend the rest of his _life_ with this boy. This _man_.

 

Yeah, they were young. Dean had just turned twenty, Cas just turned twenty one. It’s not like they were going to get married right away. They were stable, anyways. Dean was doing really well at school so far and Cas was almost done being an assistant at Demon Ink, that place he’d found interest in a few years back. He would be able to work there full time and do his own work soon. There would be about a three year wait until they actually held the ceremony, and by then they would be at completely appropriate ages. That is, if Cas said yes.

 

Dean had picked out the ring one month ago. He noticed that Cas didn’t wear any jewelry that had color, it was all black and silver. After going to different stores all over the Chicago area, Dean finally found it.

 

The ring was sterling silver, and it had a thicker band than normal. There were leaf designs going all around it and they sort of weaved together like an elegant puzzle. Right in the center, there was a nice, fat round diamond with one slightly smaller diamond on either side. He knew it was going to look amazing on Cas. Well, everything does, of course.

 

Dean wiped the nervous sweat off his forehead. Cas was sitting at the desk in the corner of their bedroom, going over some paperwork for a customer that he was doing the next morning. Cas ran his hand through his hair and sighed, tucking the papers back into a manila folder.

 

“All done,” he told Dean. “What’s the matter, baby? You look nervous.” Cas stood to wrap his arms around Dean’s neck.

 

Dean hugged and kissed him back.

 

“C’mere,” Dean said, pulling Cas to sit on their freshly made bed. Dean sat beside him, not going down on one knee so he didn’t ruin the surprise.

 

“Cas, I want to talk. I just… I want to tell you some things, and please don’t say anything until I’m done.”

 

“Okay, Dean. I’m all ears. Go ahead, baby.” Cas stroked down Dean’s arm soothingly.

 

“I love you. I love you now and I’m going to love you tomorrow and until the end of forever. You’re it for me. You’re what I need, what I want. You make me love getting up in the morning. Every day you change me, making me into a better person. You saved me. Four years ago, I thought that I would die in my own hands. Now, now I want to live with you forever. You make me so happy.

 

“I love the way you love me. It’s sometimes the big things, but it’s always the little things. You kiss me all the time, even when I have morning breath. You say my body is beautiful even though I don’t think it is. Even though I have scars. You tell me that my food is good even when I burn it sometimes. You never make me feel like I’m unwanted. When I’m nervous for a test, you send me good luck texts and silly pictures of you until I feel better. And, you tell me you love me even when I already know that you do.

 

“Cas, I love you so much.” Dean put one hand in his pocket and fingered with the little ring box, just making sure that it’s still there. “I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” Dean pulled the ring out and got off the bed, sinking down onto his left knee. He opened the velvet box, displaying the ring.

 

“Castiel James Novak, I love you more than anything else in this world. I want to live the rest of my life side-by-side with you. Will you marry me?”

 

Dean looked right into Cas’ eyes, trying to see what his first reaction was. As far as he could tell, it looked like Cas didn’t even hear him. His face was blank, like someone was telling him boring news stories.

 

“C-Cas?” Dean adjusted his sweaty palms on the ring box. His heart was beating so fast and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. It had only been a few seconds since he asked and it already felt like he was going to pass out. 

 

Everything was so quiet. All you could hear was Dean and Cas’ light breathing. Cas reached out slowly, taking the velvet box from Dean’s shaky fingers and placing it gingerly on the bed beside him.

 

Dean held Cas’ gaze. He was too afraid to say anything else, so he just waited for Cas to make the first move, which he did promptly.

 

Before Dean knew what was happening, Cas had pushed him to the carpeted floor and toppled over him, finding his balance and straddling Dean’s waist. He leaned down and started planting wet kisses all along Dean’s face and neck.

 

“Are you crazy? _Yes_ ,I’ll marry you! I love you so much. Yes, yes, yes, times infinity. God _dammit_ , Dean Winchester. _Yes_.” Cas held Dean’s cheeks with his hands so he could lean down and kiss him on the lips. “Yes.”

 

Dean just laid there, pinned down by his boyfriend.

 

 _No,_ Dean thought, _my fiancé._

A massive, unstoppable smile broke out on Dean’s lips. “I fucking love you. I fucking love you so much, Cas. You scared me! You didn’t even do anything until you plowed me into the ground.” Dean stopped talking when Cas’ fast hands went down his chest, unbuttoning his shirt. “Cas?”

 

“We’re going to have sex because we’re engaged and we can, and then we’re going to call Mary and Gabe and Sam and your new friends and my new friends and whoever else. Sound good?” Cas didn’t stop taking off Dean’s shirt. He pulled it off of Dean’s back and arms, tugging hard because Dean was on the floor and lying on it.

 

Dean nodded. “Wait! You have to put your ring on.” Dean watched as Cas reached behind himself on the bed and pick up the ring. He handed it to Dean and put out his left hand.

 

Dean slipped the ring onto his ring finger, and watched as Cas’ eyes lit up at the sight of it. The silver color and design looked incredible on his skin, and Dean was proud of himself for picking that one.

 

“It’s beautiful, Dean.” Cas said. Dean kissed the ring, then the back of his hand, then up his bare arm, and under the thin sleeve of his tank top and up his neck and to his lips.

 

“It _is_ beautiful. But, baby, it doesn’t even come close to you.” Dean kissed Cas softly one more time. “Now throw me onto the bed and fuck me.”

 

Cas did just that.

 

* * *

 

 

“Love you, too. Bye.” Dean hung up the phone. The newly engaged couple had called Gabriel, Sam, Mary, Bobby, Benny – their awesome tattoo guy who they had grown pretty close to actually—and Charlie, Dean’s new friend from school. He had just realized that they didn’t really have too many serious connections with people. His and Cas’ teenage years were sort of rough, and they both didn’t have very many friends. Dean met Charlie in his English class, and they became fast close friends. He thought she was cool, and they teamed up to help win Charlie a new girlfriend, Dorothy. Cas met a guy that he liked a few months ago at Demon Ink. He was a new artist and his name was Michael or Mike or something.

 

Sam was completely ecstatic when Dean told him. He told Sam that he was thinking about popping the question, but he didn’t tell him that he had actually gotten a ring and was planning on just doing it right in there apartment. Dean thought about getting a whole production together, telling Gabe and Sam and Mary and everybody to come down to see them, but he decided that he wanted that moment to be just for them. Their actual marriage was going to be shared.

 

Jess was with Sam when Dean called. They were on a double date, apparently. It was Sam, Jess, his friend Zeke, and her friend Kevin. He felt bad for interrupting, but it’s not like he could just say goodbye without telling Sam the news. He heard Jess ask what was going on when Sam practically shouted, “Shut the fuck up!” in a restaurant of some kind. She squealed loudly when Sam told her and told Sam to put the phone on speaker.

 

 _“How did you do it? Oh, I bet it was_ so _romantic!”_

**_“Yeah, Dean! Tell me! I knew you were asking but I didn’t know it was going to be so soon.”_ **

****

Dean couldn’t help but laugh at their need to know everything.

 

“I just… asked him. We were in our bedroom, he was working on some papers, and then when he finished I asked him. Of course, I gave him this whole speech about our endless love. And it _is_ endless, so I mean….”

 

_“And the ring?”_

“It’s gorgeous. I’ll send you guys a picture later.”

 

**_“I’m so happy for you, Dean. This is so exciting! When’s the wedding?”_ **

****

“I have no idea, you guys. After I graduate, sometime. Don’t worry, though. You’ll be the first to know.”

 

_“This is awesome, Dean, I really am proud of you.”_

**_“Yeah! Be sure to let us know about everything. Uh, Sam, I feel like we should get back to our thing….”_ **

****

“What thing?”

 

_“Oh, we’re on a double date. We actually should go.”_

“No problem, I gotta go call Mom anyways. See ya, Sammy. Bye, Jess! Love you both.”

 

_“Love you, too Dean.”_

**_“Love you! Congrats!”_ **

****

Dean couldn’t stop smiling as he hung up the phone and dialed his mom’s number.

 

They wouldn’t have a big wedding. It would be more of a city hall, small get together thing, but with lots of friends and extended family at the reception.

 

“Dean?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah, baby?”

 

“We don’t have to get married now, right?”

 

“No. I want to wait until I graduate. Actually, I want to wait until I graduate to even start _planning_ the wedding. Is that okay?” Dean knew that was a long time from now, but he thought it would be a good idea to wait until he wasn’t distracted by anything.

 

“Perfect. I just didn’t want to do it right now, we’re a little young. And it’s a great plan for you to finish school first. I guess it doesn’t matter when we do it. You’re my forever, no matter if we’re married or not.” Cas kissed Dean’s temple.

 

“Sounds like a plan. I love you.” Dean smiled at his perfect, dark-haired, blue-eyed, tattoo covered fiancé. _Fiancé_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I literally didn't edit this at all because I was supposed to post today but it's 11:30 and I just want to get this in before I go to bed so sorry that it's short but there's some longer chapters coming up and this one is just short and sweet and I hope you liked it and please comment and also let me know if I have any major mistakes that I could go back and fix. Love you all! Be good to yourselves <3


	53. Coming Home

**_ Dean's Junior Year of College at UIC _ **

 

“Okay, just relax. It’ll probably feel weird at first, but I won’t hurt you. Try not to move, though, so I don’t accidentally poke you in the eye.” Cas told Dean.

 

Dean was sitting on the bathroom counter next to the sink at Cas’ house. They came home for the weekend and were planning on going out on a date somewhere, but needed something to do to pass the time. He agreed to let Cas put eyeliner on him, just to see what it looked like. Dean probably wouldn’t wear it every day, Cas would always outshine him in that area.

 

“Just do it already! We can be punk boyfriends. With eyeliner and tattoos and leather jackets.” Dean smiled.

 

Cas laughed. “Shut up and let me make you look like the lead singer in a bad eighties rock band.”

 

Dean was going to say something back, but he _really_ wanted to see himself with eyeliner on so he closed his mouth.

 

“Okay, open your eyes wide and look up at the ceiling, but keep your head straight.”

 

Dean did as he was told, looking up at the ceiling. He didn’t mind he awkward position, he was more focused on the fact that Cas’ sweet mint breath was in his face.

 

He didn’t really want the pencil in his eye, so Dean did what Cas had said and he stayed completely still. Cas grabbed his cheek with one hand and started to swiftly draw lines from the outside of his under eye to the inside. It felt weird, but it didn’t hurt like he sort of thought it would.

 

After about a minute, Cas moved on to the other eye, repeating the same motion. When Cas took both of his hands away, Dean moved his head back to normal.

 

“Alright, now close your eyes. I gotta get the top.” Cas said softly.

 

Dean closed his eyes, letting Cas finish. The pencil felt softer on his upper eye lid, probably because he was used to the feeling or his top lids weren’t as sensitive as the lower ones. Once Cas let his face go completely, Dean opened his eyes. He was facing away from the mirror so he couldn’t see, but the look on Cas’ face was priceless.

 

“You look so cute, baby! I love it. Now we’re matching.” Cas grabbed Dean around by his back and thighs and lifted him off the counter, setting him on his feet.

 

Dean turned around to face the mirror. As soon as he saw his eyes, he couldn’t stop smiling. It wasn’t really him, not his style, not what he usually wears, but Cas was beaming with joy at getting Dean to let him do his makeup, and of course that would make Dean happy.

 

It actually looked really good on him. The bottom was smudged on purpose and it faded out on the sides and was even heavier on Dean than on Cas. Dean closed one eye, trying to see what the top looked like.

 

“I love it, Cas. Thanks for… this.” Dean didn’t know what else to say. He had never been in that situation before.

 

“Thanks? I basically begged you to let me do this. And also, kiss me you sexy punk.”

 

Who was Dean to deny him?

 

* * *

 

 

Dean and Cas thanked the waitress for their food and smiled as she happily walked away to tend to other tables. Cas reached across the table and took Dean’s hand in his.

 

“Remember the first time we came here?” Cas asked. It felt like a lifetime ago. He was so stressed out about it, that night had to be perfect. It was Dean’s first date ever.

 

“Of course I do. It was our first date, I’ll never forget. Plus, it was the night that I told you about my self-harm.” Cas sank a little at Dean’s words. That was a hard night for them. “You took such good care of me.”

 

“Dean, you’ve come so far. I know I tell you this all the time, but I really am proud of you. You’re a whole new person, and it’s amazing.” Cas had forgotten all about the food on their table, choosing instead to see the way Dean’s eyes get just the tiniest bit brighter when Cas said that.

 

“I never thought my life was going to turn out like this. I’m going to college, and I’m doing well, I live in an apartment with you, you’re going to be my _husband_ someday, and I have a future. I love you. You are my future, Cas.” Dean added, “And here we are, at the place this all started. At the Roadhouse, eating burgers and talking about us because we can and we have it all figured out. I’ve been clean for the longest time in my _life_ , Cas. I’ve never done that before. It’s been so long. Sometimes I feel bad, but then before I can even think about a knife, you’re there, sensing my unhappiness and wrapping your arms around me. You kiss me, tell me how nice I look, tell me how happy I make you, and then I feel better. You’re my savior. My angel.” Dean leaned across the table to kiss Cas.

 

“I love you, Dean. I’d do anything for you.” Cas promised. It was true. He’d happily do anything if it meant it would keep Dean safe and sound.

 

“I love you, too. And I know you would. And I would, too.” Dean told him, bringing Cas’ hand to his lips and kissing the back of it. He made sure that his lips brushed against his engagement ring. Cas blushed. _Blushed_. After years of being with Dean, he still blushes like someone walking past their first crush.

 

“Stop, Dean! You’re making me look ridiculous. Let’s just eat.” Cas mumbled, face hot.

 

Dean smiled. “I think you’re cute.”

 

“You would.”

 

“Oh, come one. Your cheeks are all pink and you duck your head because you’re trying to hide it and I can still see it and it’s adorable.” Dean countered.

 

Dean was right. Valid argument. Cas loved it when Dean got all flustered because of him. It was downright adorable the way his whole face heated up. Anyone could see that.

 

Before Cas could come up with something to say, Dean had leaned over the entire table and kissed Cas on the lips.

 

“Let’s eat, baby. I’m starving and this food is awesome. Actually, I want a milkshake. You want one?” Dean asked.

 

Cas’ mind went from self-harm to blushing to milkshakes.

 

“Yes, please.” Cas answered. He realized he didn’t get to tell Dean what kind he wanted, but Dean was back in a few minutes with both of their favorites. Dean liked the chocolate and peanut butter and fudge thickness, while Cas preferred vanilla with M&Ms.

 

“Thank you. Are we staying together tonight, or are we going to go home? Like home, as in, I stay with Gabe and you stay with Sam and Mary.” Cas clarified.

 

“I don’t care. Although, as much as I love you and adore you and need you, I’d like to spend some time with Sam. I miss him a lot, and I know us being separated is hard on him. On both of us. Even though I call him often and send him a goodnight text every day, I’d like to have a night where it can just be us, you know? I’m sure you feel that way with Gabe.” Dean told Cas. He really did look like he wanted to see Sam and Mary. Cas was looking forward to seeing Gabe, too.

 

“That sounds perfect. Then I guess I’ll meet you in the morning?” Cas agreed.

 

“Yeah, and then we can all do something together. It’ll be fun, just like when we lived here with everybody.”

 

Cas nodded. They finished up their dinners and milkshakes and headed out the door, Dean dropping him off at Gabe’s for the night. He was happy for Dean, he knew how much he was missing Sam. They had connections that Cas couldn’t even think about because they were so deep. He understood how much he was hurting.

 

* * *

 

 

It was almost 8:00 PM when he got himself back to his own house. Dean almost rang the doorbell, it had been so long since he’d been home. He didn’t mean to go so long without visiting, but he and Cas got so caught up with school and work and Dean had finals and Cas was so close to getting his official tattoo license and everything was just so crazy that it slipped their minds. Now that they were in a good routine, it was time for a visit.

 

Earlier when Cas was doing Dean’s eyeliner at his house, Gabe was still at work so Dean didn’t even get to see him then. They were going to all hang out tomorrow, but that didn’t change the fact that Dean wanted to see him _now_. He didn’t miss Gabe as much as Sam, though. Not by a long shot.

 

Dean stepped inside of his house. The first thing he saw was Sam standing up straight in his flannel pajama pants and a long sleeve T-shirt, right on the other side of the door.

 

They stood across from each other, not moving, until Sam broke the stillness and flung himself at Dean.

 

“I missed you so much, Dean.” Sam held tight around Dean’s shoulders.

 

Dean returned Sam's hug, clutching at his back. He breathed in the familiar scent of Sam’s clean shampoo. It smelled like plain soap and some mint, maybe. It smelled like Sam.

 

“Missed you, too, Sammy. What were you doing on the other side of the door?” Dean asked.

 

Sam pulled away from their hug first and smiled. “I heard the car. I hadn’t heard her in so long, it was like ‘Am I really hearing this, or am I crazy?’ But here you are.”

 

“I told you I was visiting, Sam.”

 

“I know, but I didn’t know when. Mom’s not here, by the way.” Sam added.

 

Dean frowned. He was hoping he could see Mary right away. “When is she coming back?”

 

“Late tonight. She’ll be gone in the morning again, though.” Sam answered.

 

“Dammit. I wanted to do something with all of us.” Dean told him.

 

“All of us?” Sam questioned.

 

“Me, you, Mom, Cas, and Gabe.” Dean knew that he could see Mary that night, but he really did want to spend some time with her before he had to go back. He knew that she had to work, though. “Come on, let’s go upstairs. I wanna get my PJ’s on. How come you’re here, anyways? It’s a Saturday night. I thought you’d be out with some friends.”

 

Sam shrugged and walked upstairs with Dean. “Jess and I went out for brunch this morning and I didn’t feel like doing something when I knew that you were coming home.”

 

“You could have just told me that you were going to be late. Sam, you should be having fun.” Dean pushed. He walked into his room with Sam in tow and dropped his phone onto his bed.

 

“I am. I have friends that I like and we hang out a lot. How come you’re so concerned about this?” Sam asked.

 

Dean shrugged off his jacket. He pulled out a long sleeve and some fleece pajama pants. “I just don’t want you to have what I had in high school. I didn’t have that many friends, and my school years were sort of rough. I know you’re totally different from me, but I just want what’s best for you.” Dean explained. He knew he was being overprotective and that it was unnecessary for him to be concerned with Sam, but he couldn’t stop himself. Sam is his little _brother_. He wanted everything to be okay.

 

“Dean, I’m okay. I’m having a good time and my classes are good and I’m happy. The only thing I don’t like is that I wish I could see you more. Really, Dean, I’m good. You don’t have anything to worry about.” Sam assured him.

 

Dean nodded. He thought for just a second about telling Sam to turn around when he took his shirt off to change, but thought better of it. Sam wouldn’t care in the slightest. This was proven when Dean quickly stripped and pulled his clothes on and Sam’s expression stayed the same. “I know. Sometimes I just get scared because I’m not there to look out for you. But then I realize that you don’t need me to anymore. I mean, look at you! You’re taller than me, you’re a _junior_ in high school, you’ve been with Jess for forever, and you already know that you want to be a lawyer. You don’t need me to protect you.” Dean said, like it was final. He knew that this day would come, but he never thought it would feel like that. Like the friend that he’d known for his whole life decided that they shouldn’t sit together at lunch anymore.

 

“What? Dean, you’re crazy. I still need you. I’m always going to need you. It doesn’t matter how tall I am, how old I am, whether or not I’m in a good relationship. It matters that you’re my brother and I look up to you and I’m just going to have to get used to the fact that you have a life and you just don’t have enough time for me. We’re both busy. It’s not like you can just come home from work and watch a movie with me. You go to college and you’re engaged to _Cas_ , who I love, too. We’re both growing up and doing new things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t need you anymore. You’re always going to be the first one I call when something happens, good or bad. Don’t say I don’t need you. I do. I’m still your little Sammy. I always will be.” Sam crossed his arms and leaned against the door of Dean’s room. Once Dean had his clothes on, he sat cross legged on top of the comforter on his bed and gestured for Sam to come sit, too.

 

“I thought you hated that nickname.” Dean mused.

 

Sam shrugged and sat down. “It’s not so bad.”

 

Dean smiled. “Thanks. Really, Sam. I love you.”

 

“Love you, too. I’m happy you’re here.”

 

“Me, too. It’s good to be back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! OK, guys I know this is a day late but I got home so late last night from a track meet and I'm really sorry that it took me all day to update today even but we had another track meet and I had soccer after and it was so hectic and excuses, excuses. I'm really sorry and I'll try to be better! 
> 
> Also just so you know, the next chapter has some relationship anxiety and it deals with some self harm recovery stuff so be prepared! Thanks for reading and putting up with me :/


	54. Setback

**_Second Half of Dean's Junior Year at UIC_ **

Dean woke up one morning feeling a little off. He didn’t have that good of a night’s sleep, and what sleep he did get was restless. The sight of Cas sound asleep next to him in bed was enough to put a smile on his face. It sort of made up for his shitty night.

 

Dean just sat in bed and waited for Cas to wake up. He was awake an hour before their alarm went off and didn’t feel like moving. For some reason he felt slow and just… bad.

 

Cas didn't have to go to work that day, but Dean had a class at nine. He knew he had to go, but he also knew that he would probably have a mental breakdown if he had to leave the house that day. Cas would make it all better. He always did.

 

Some time later, the alarm finally went off and jolted Cas out of his unconsciousness. Dean immediately wrapped his arms around Cas’ bare chest.

 

“Well, good morning to you, too, baby. Were you already up?” Cas smiled and tilted his head a little to kiss Dean on the cheek.

 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Dean answered. He felt the familiar feeling of complete lack of motivation in his chest. He hadn't felt like that in a while.

 

“I’m gonna hop in the shower, okay?” Cas said, already releasing himself from Dean’s grip.

 

Dean nodded, lying back in the bed while Cas disappeared into the bathroom.

 

He turned onto his side and curled his knees up to his chest. Their usual plan was that Cas was going to shower, Dean would get dressed and make breakfast, and then they eat together before Cas walked Dean to school. The only problem was that Dean was having a bad day.

 

He hadn't had a bad day in a long time. Usually he could keep it under control, but right then it just felt unstoppable. He knew he could just tell Cas, but he didn’t want to worry him. Instead, Dean turned on his side and buried his face in the sheets. He took a deep breath, trying not to cry.

 

Two times he had tried to get out of bed. Two times he had failed. Dean hated feeling that way. Like he was so tired he couldn’t move and that he was just so completely worthless that it wouldn’t matter if he ever woke up again. Like he wasn’t even supposed to be born. And all of that came from just one bad wakeup.

 

A little while later, Dean heard the water shut off and Cas walked into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist. He stopped when he saw Dean still curled up in on himself.

 

Dean felt a dip in the bed where Cas sat beside him. A warm, strong hand rubbed down his back.

 

“You okay, baby?” Cas stroked one hand down Dean’s cheek and ear.

 

Dean wanted to say yes, to nod, _anything_ , but he just had no energy at all. Dean barely grumbled his response.

 

“Are you feeling sick?” Cas asked. He felt Dean’s forehead with the back of his hand. Dean took a deep breath.

 

“No, I just don’t feel good. ’M sorry.” Dean managed to get out. He opened his eyes to look at Cas. His boyfriend’s expression was a mix of concerned, scared, and sad.

 

After a long moment of silence, Cas kissed Dean’s cheek that wasn’t pressed against the pillow. “Okay, well, that’s okay. Do you want to eat?”

 

Dean shook his head. “No, thank you.” He didn’t feel like eating. He didn’t feel like anything.

 

Dean brought his knees up to his chest, trying to make the bad feeling in his stomach go away. He shivered when Cas’ soft hands caressed the side of his face and neck.

 

“Do you want to be alone, baby?” Cas’ voice was warm and a little rough.

 

Dean didn’t want to be alone. He wanted to be held, touched, loved. Even though sometimes he felt like he didn’t deserve it. It still felt good. He was selfish.

 

“Please stay with me.” Dean sort of wanted to cry. He just wanted Cas. He just wanted to feel better. He just wanted to not have a bad day.

 

Cas didn’t say anything else. Dean heard him open a few drawers and pull some things out, probably getting dressed. About a minute later Cas crawled into bed behind Dean and wrapped his arms around his waist. Dean shifted his legs so Cas could grab onto him easier. He felt a little better, but he wanted more.

 

Dean turned in Cas’ arms and buried his face into his broad chest. Cas’ t-shirt was soft and smelled like laundry detergent. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Cas tensed a little. “Dean, it’s okay. You can have a bad day. I love you. I always will. I love you and it’s _okay_ to feel bad. I’m here to make you feel better. I’m here to help you. Because I know how much you want to be good. And you are.” Cas kissed the top of Dean’s head. “You’re gonna be okay, love. Just talk to me when you feel up to it.”

 

Dean nodded against Cas’ chest. “I know you love me. I do. I love you, too. Later today let’s talk, okay? I just wanna sleep now.”

 

Cas squeezed Dean a little tighter and rubbed his back. “Okay. Whatever you want, baby.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean woke up a few hours later feeling slightly less tired. He opened his eyes and nuzzled his face against Cas’ chest. He stirred awake, looking down at Dean and smiling.

 

“Feelin’ better?” Cas asked.

 

Dean nodded. “A little. Thank you.”

 

Cas kissed Dean’s temple. “You want any food? I can make you whatever you want. If you don’t want to eat that’s okay, but I need you to drink something at least. You should stay home from your classes today. I’ll tell Charlie to get homework and assignment for you, alright?”

 

“Okay.” Dean’s voice cracked a little. He knew it was all going to be okay. Charlie would get his school things, Cas would take care of him, but it still wasn’t good yet. It wasn’t good _then_. When he needed to feel good. He felt cold when Cas let go of him for just a minute to go get him a water bottle. Dean didn’t know what was _wrong_ with him.

 

Cas came back and extended his arm out for Dean to take the bottle. Dean just stared at it, looked back at Cas, and then started to cry. He didn’t know why he was crying, he just was. Dean rolled over and buried his face into the pillow. He mumbled, “It wasn’t ever supposed to be like this.”

 

Dean heard Cas set the water down on their nightstand. He curled back up in the bed and wrapped his arms around Dean just how he liked it. “Talk to me, Dean.” Cas whispered in a soft voice.

 

But that was the thing. Dean couldn’t talk. He could barely open his mouth. His throat was tight, his face was hot, and he felt like a failure. Like he came all this way for nothing, and he was just going to live the rest of his life depressed.

 

Dean took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down enough so he could talk. “My life is going great. I have you, I’m doing good in school, and I have everything planned out like I always wanted. Did I mention that Sam got a full scholarship to Stanford? Jess got a scholarship, too, but hers was partial, not full. They’re going to live together. This is how I always dreamed things would be. I wanted to be _done_ with this by now. I want to be happy all the time and I’m not. Why can’t I be normal?” Dean wiped at his eyes.

 

Cas kissed the back of Dean’s neck between his hairline and the hem of his t-shirt.

 

“Look at me, baby.”

 

Dean turned around and faced Cas, but then sat up and pulled his boyfriend up with him. They sat cross-legged across from each other on the bed. Cas reached across them and ran his thumb through a stray tear.

 

“I don’t know, Cas. I just don’t know.”

 

“Dean, you’re normal. It’s normal to feel sad sometimes. It doesn’t make you a freak if you’re not happy all the time. It makes you normal. I’m happy for Sam and Jess, but just because you’re life is going good doesn’t mean that you automatically have to be happy. You can have problems. You can feel bad. And today you’re just having a bad day. You can get through this, though. You’re strong, Dean.” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand and kissed the back of it.

 

Dean didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do.

 

Cas rubbed Dean’s pajama covered thigh. “You’re okay. I love you.”

 

Dean nodded and leaned in to kiss Cas softly. “Thank you. I love you, too.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later in the day, Dean felt a little better. Cas suggested they try to do something easy and fun that makes him happy. Dean thought about it for a minute, then got out a cookbook that his mom gave him before they left for Chicago.

 

He flipped through the index until he found what he was looking for.

 

“C’mere, babe! I got a recipe for us to make.” Dean called from the kitchen. Cas was in their bedroom, tidying up.

 

He heard soft footsteps on the hardwood floors coming closer to him. Cas smiled when he saw Dean. “I like your apron.”

 

Dean looked down at his chest. He was wearing a pink apron with black letters that said _Kiss the cook!_

 

“Well? Are you going to?” Dean teased.

 

Cas giggled and shuffled closer to Dean. “Of course I am.” He closed the gap between them and gave Dean a sweet, soft kiss on the lips.

 

Dean blushed when he pulled away. “Thank you, kind sir.”

 

“So, what do you want to make?” Cas asked.

 

Dean pointed to the recipe in the cookbook and showed Cas. “Apple pie. It won’t be the same kind my mom makes sometimes, but I’d still like to try it.”

 

“Okay, sounds good. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I don’t really have that much experience with baking.”

 

Dean feigned a shocked and hurt expression. “Well, we’ll certainly have to change that.” He turned to open the fridge and pulled out a bag of apples. He put it on the counter. “Let’s get peeling.”

 

Cas smiled. He kissed the side of Dean’s neck before grabbing a peeler and getting to work.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas heard the timer go off. Dean was still asleep in his arms, and it wasn’t strained. Sometimes when he’s asleep, his eye brows are permanently set in a frown, but Dean was completely relaxed. This didn’t make the fact that the pie was going to burn in a few minutes if he didn’t go take it out of the oven. He couldn’t wake Dean either….

 

After about thirty seconds of deliberation, Cas gently, _very_ gently, shifted Dean over so he was lying on the couch and not on Cas. He stirred a little, but didn’t wake. He ran light on his feet to the kitchen and turned off the timer.

 

When Cas put his oven mitts on, he opened the oven and closed his eyes as a big wave of heat washed over him. He unscrunched his face and peeked at the pie. The crust was golden and raised slightly, _perfect_. Dean would be happy.

 

He carefully took the pie out and put it on top of the stove to cool. Their entire apartment smelled like cinnamon and sweetness and when Cas went back in the living room to check on Dean, he was sitting up on the couch.

 

“You took the pie out of the oven.” Dean stated.

 

“Yeah. I didn’t want to wake you.” Cas stepped closer and sat down next to Dean.

 

“Okay. Does it look good?” he asked.

 

“It looks amazing. Good job, baby.” Cas assured him.

 

Dean smiled and opened his arms wide. “Come here.”

 

How could Cas deny him? He scooted closer to Dean and wrapped his arms around his thick waist. While he was trying to get closer, Cas felt something crinkle in Dean’s flannel chest pocket. He pulled away for just a second to pull the worn piece of paper out.

 

“What’s this?” he asked.

 

Dean took it from his hands and unfolded it, giving it back to Cas. “It’s the list of things to think about when I’m feeling sad. Sam gave it to me a few Christmases ago and I try to only look at it on really bad days so it makes it more special.”

 

Cas remembered something about a list that Sam made Dean. He never looked at it because it was Dean’s privately.

 

Cas folded up the paper again and put it back in Dean’s pocket. He leaned in closer to him and kissed each cheek. He wished he could individually kiss each freckle on Dean’s body, but he knew that he would miss some.

 

“I have a list of things for you. Things that I love about you. Things that are great about you. I don’t have it written down or anything, but I can just tell you, if you want.” Cas told him. It wasn’t really an offer, he was going to do it anyways.

 

Dean nodded at Cas. He smiled slightly, which made Cas’ heart flutter. His half smiles always made him melt.

 

Then, without warning, Cas grabbed Dean by his middle back and thighs and was carrying him to the kitchen. He sat him down on the counter, a few feet away from the still too hot pie. Dean was still holding onto Cas’ shoulders after he put him down so Cas took the opportunity to give him a kiss. He loved kissing Dean. _Loved_ it. And he loved that Dean was always so eager to kiss him back.

 

Dean’s knees were lazily set apart and Cas took a step closer so his body was in between them. Cas took Dean’s hand and kissed all five of his fingers before moving on to the next hand. When he was done peppering kisses all over his hands, Cas rested his forehead against Dean’s.

 

“I love you, I love it when you laugh, when your face gets brighter because you’re talking to Sam, when you wake up and you have this sleepy dopey smile on your face, when you kiss me, I love it when you tell me stories from when you were a kid, and when you walk around the apartment in a tank top.” Cas kissed Dean again and ran his hand down his strong arms.

 

“I love your _body_ , the way you talk, I love it when you’re done working on your car and you have grease and oil all over your arms, when you get out of the shower and smell like fresh soap and I can tell you’ve shaved but there aren’t any cuts on you. I love when you’re listening to music while you’re cleaning and then you sort of start to dance and wiggle your hips. I love it when you kiss me, when you hug me. I love it when you give me all of your attention and act like I’m the most important person in your life. I love you. And every little thing about you. Whether you like it or not.” Cas punctuated his little love speech with a long, lingering kiss on Dean’s soft lips.

 

“I love you so fucking much, Castiel. So _fucking_ much.”

 

Cas smiled and blushed at Dean’s sincerity. He glanced to the side at the pie that was just now sitting there, waiting to be eaten.

 

“How about we eat this pie and then cuddle in bed until we fall asleep?” Cas suggested.

 

Dean smiled. “Only if you carry me and kiss me stupid after.”

 

“Consider it done.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! 10 chapters left! guys we're so close to the end.....
> 
> I knew that this was going to be a depressing chapter so I added a ton of fluff at the end so you weren't left sad :( 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I'll see you all later!


	55. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sexy times! you have been warned!

**_ Senior Year of College, After Semester Finals _ **

 

Dean loved it like this. Loved it while he was in control of both of their pleasures, loved it when his thighs burned and his head was thrown back and Cas was holding onto his hands so tight. Loved it when he was breathing heavy, tired from riding Cas for so long but he still had to keep going until he came hard, crying out Cas’ name and letting him take Dean completely.

 

He moaned loudly, squeezing Cas’ sweaty palms. He was so close to that release, that _explosion_ , he just needed a little more. Cas was fucking up into him while Dean rode his cock, hot and needy and _perfect_.

 

“Oh my god, Dean!” Cas cried, panting as he bucked his hips up hard.

 

Dean smiled. He loved it when Cas took control, when he couldn’t take it anymore and he just needed it. Dean leaned down to place his chest against Cas’, kissing him. He was still grinding his ass down, but it was slower, more controlled. Cas whimpered into Dean’s mouth.

 

When Dean felt like he was going to come, he slowed down. He loved the burn of it, the sweet, torturous slow build to the point where his whole body shuddered and spasmed as he came all over himself and Cas.

 

That point was nearing, and Dean had the control, so he just squirmed and grinded until he came in a mess between their bodies. Dean always moans and cries out when he’s getting fucked by Cas, but when his orgasm hits, it’s always louder than he thought it was going to be. It’s not like he can help it.

 

But then, that night, Dean was nearly screaming. Part of it could have been the fact that Dean _loved_ riding Cas, but most of it was the fact that they hadn’t had sex in a little over two weeks. _Weeks_. Dean was dealing with middle of the year semester finals, Cas had a hectic time at work, and every night they went to bed exhausted. Not to mention the fact that they stayed with their families over Christmas break and almost never got any time to themselves, let alone enough time to have sex.

 

This was the first time that he had been touched and teased, and it all built up into a completely bone-shaking orgasm, making him cry out in pleasure and tremble until Cas had kissed him back to reality.

 

After Dean came, Cas was touching down his thighs and hips. Dean opened the eyes that he didn’t remember closing and saw that Cas’ face and chest was still hot with need to come, need for release.

 

“Dean… please…. I need….” Cas was rambling on.

 

“I got you, baby.” Dean sat up again and started to ride him, slower than before because his hole was oversensitive.

 

Cas started moaning and he arched his back under Dean, which gave him an idea.

 

Dean reached down and placed both of his hands flat on Cas’ upper chest for two reasons. One, so he could brace himself and make moving easier. Two, so he could run his palms down a little and tease over Cas’ nipples.

 

“Goddammit, Dean! You… you’re… oh god.” Cas’ head rolled to the side as he inhaled deeply, puffing his chest out more.

 

Dean was just barely pinching his nipples. Before when they had sex without the piercings in, Cas was pretty sensitive. Now, with the jewelry in, Cas almost always comes from just the nipple stimulation.

 

Dean leaned down, still going fast on top of Cas, and took one of his hypersensitive nipples into his mouth. He sucked on it hard and the ring felt weird on his lips. It always does, no matter how many times he and Cas do this, but at the same time it felt good because Cas was going crazy under him. He was breathing hard, his fingers were digging into Dean’s thighs, and Dean looked up, still giving Cas’ nipple attention, to see his head come straight forward again and make eye contact with him.

 

All Dean had to do to send Cas teetering over the edge was bite down softly on his nipple, and he was absolutely wrecked. Cas bucked his hips up hard into Dean and hammered into his abused hole from the bottom. As his orgasm started to fade, he slowed gradually and gave Dean a chance to recover from the sudden change of pace.

 

He slowed down from sucks and bites on Cas’ nipples to light kisses and kitten licks. When Cas stilled on the bed, still breathing hard, Dean sat back up and eased himself off of his cock. Instead of collapsing onto the bed, he got off of it and went into the bathroom to grab a washcloth.

 

Dean ran the cloth under the warm water and walked back to bed where he cleaned Cas’ cock and stomach area off before getting the come off of his own body. After they were both clean enough, Dean threw the cloth back into the bathroom, turned off the lights in the bedroom, and climbed back into bed with Cas. He was welcomed with a fucked out smile and open arms.

 

He fit himself into the crook of Cas’ arm and rested his head on his chest. Dean turned a little and wrapped one arm across Cas’ stomach to grab on to his waist. Every time they were together in bed, Dean just liked to nuzzle his face into Cas’ neck and take him in. He was amazing person, and Dean just loved the fact that he was right there, all the time.

 

“I love you.” Dean whispered.

 

“I know. I love you, too.” Cas said back.

 

They were quiet for a little longer until Cas spoke up. “So, you’re going to be graduating soon. What do you want for your present? I didn’t get you anything for your high school graduation.”

 

Dean huffed a laugh. “Yeah, that’s because you were graduating, too. Baby, you don’t have to get me anything. It’s not like it’s Christmas or my birthday. Just be there at the ceremony and kiss me when we get home. That’s all I want, you’ve already given me the world.”

 

Cas pressed a kiss to the top of Dean’s head. He started chuckling, and Dean was confused at what was so funny.

 

“Cas?” he questioned.

 

“That felt _really_ good. Like, honestly, _wow_. Our sex is always awesome!”

 

Dean laughed at his enthusiasm. “Yeah, it is. You’re so weird, Cas.”

 

Cas smiled down at Dean. “Okay, but I’m right, though, yeah? I mean… sometimes when it’s late and we’re exhausted but for some reason we still decide to have sex, I’m always like ‘Oh, okay. So tonight is going to be tired, regular, average sex.’ And every single time, I'm wrong. Not that I'm complaining.” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand, the one that was around his waist, and fit his own fingers with Dean’s. “Maybe it’s because we love each other so much it just makes it better.”

 

Dean felt a blush creep up on his cheeks. “God, Cas. You’re so mushy.”

 

“Don’t complain, I know you love it.” Cas countered.

 

“Yeah, guilty. Dude, I know we should shower, but I just want to curl up with you in a ball and go to sleep.” Dean told him.

 

“Don’t call me ‘dude’. It’s so weird! It’s like we’re dudebros and we just slept together and are gay but not really and slightly sexist at the same time and it’s gross.” Cas shook his shoulders out a little like he was grossed out by the thought of that.

 

“Okay, point there. Sorry, baby. I’ll just give you sexy nicknames from now on. And you’re right except for the gay part. You’re bisexual!” Dean giggled and tried to muffle it by burying his face into Cas’ chest.

 

“Yeah, I am bisexual. But I’m only in love with Dean Samuel Winchester! I’ve only ever been in love with Dean Samuel Winchester! For forever and ever and ever I will be.” Cas shifted so he was a little lower on the bed and he was at a level that he could kiss Dean on the lips. He brought their joined hands up to his mouth and kissed the back of Dean’s hand, leading up to his forearm. When he was done, he went back up to kiss Dean on the lips again.

 

“Thank you. I love you, too.” Dean promised when he and Cas broke apart. He smiled at his dark-haired fiancé.

 

The time was getting nearer that they would have to start talking about the wedding, but Dean didn’t want to worry about that then. He heard that weddings were stressful, and he and Cas would like to remain in a stress-free environment for the time being.

 

“Here, help me get us under the covers.” Cas turned to pulled them up but he basically had to get off the bed before he could slide under them.

 

Dean followed him soon after and then they were cuddling under the blankets. It was early January, right after Christmas break, and it was _cold_. Plus, they were in Chicago, which was hell in the winter time and Dean needed warmth. It did help that he was lying next to a super hot man who insisted on cuddling through the night.

 

Once the boys were warm and comfortable under the blankets, Dean let Cas do his thing.

 

His ‘thing’ being wrapping his arms all the way around Dean’s waist and throwing one leg over his thighs. Cas used to be shy about doing that, he thought that it would annoy Dean for two reasons. One being that he didn’t want his clingy boyfriend hanging on him. The second reason was that he didn’t think Dean even wanted him to touch him like that because he was still just self-conscious about his scars.

 

After a few weeks of Cas not sleeping that well, and one morning when Dean woke up with a well slept Cas’ limbs tangled in his, he told him to just cuddle up so he didn’t have to do it in the middle of the night.

 

Dean smiled every time Cas shamelessly wrapped himself around Dean like he belonged there. And, hey, who says he doesn’t?

 

Dean pressed a kiss to Cas’ forehead. He had to turn his head at an awkward angle because said forehead was tucked into his own neck, but he made it work.

 

“Love you, baby.” Cas mumbled into Dean’s skin.

 

“Love you, too. Goodnight.” Dean said back, like they did every night.

 

Every single night that they were together for four years. That’s a long time. And you would think that the meaning of those words would fade, that it was just automatic by now. That was far from the truth.

 

Every time Cas told Dean he loved him, he felt like when he was in high school and he heard Cas tell him that for the first time. It was a rush, it was a comfort. Like, hey, this guy loves me. I’m _loved_. And I love him back! Whenever Dean tell Cas he loves him, he feels a moment of shyness and insecurity. There’s always that chance that he could not say it back, but Cas always does. Dean now knows that he doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean, doesn’t tell people things that rent real.

 

Even if they break up, Dean thought that he would still love Cas. He could never love anybody as much as he loves Cas.

 

But he didn’t like to think about that. They’d never break up. Their love was too strong.

 

Dean fell asleep that night feeling on top of the world. Nothing exceptional happened that day, he just felt so _right_ with Cas in his arms. It felt permanent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok for some weird reason I hate using exclamation points but in this chapter there were like seven and I couldn't bring myself to delete them but I didn't want them there so I'm just going to post this before I can change my mind....
> 
> I hope you liked it and yes I know it's kinda short, but the remaining chapters are longer than usual because I'm fitting more summaries and plot into them. 
> 
> Guys, there are 9 chapters left. Single digits. Is anybody as excited as me???? Please let me know what you think now that we're nearing the end!


	56. Plans

**_ The Summer After Senior Year in College, Dean's Graduation Day _ **

 

Dean’s college graduation was sort of… anticlimactic. He was more excited about the fact that Sam had finished his first year of college at Stanford with Jess and had come back to Illinois for the summer to watch Dean graduate.

 

After his ceremony, they all took pictures with Dean. ‘They’ meaning Cas, Gabe, Sam, Mary, and Jess. He was happy to have graduated, but he still didn’t know what he wanted to do. He could find a job fixing cars, he could do anything he wanted. He just didn’t know _what_ he wanted.

 

Once the pictures were wrapped up, the families went out to dinner at one of Dean’s favorite restaurants. It was called Lou Mitchell’s, and it sort of reminded him of the diner back home. Plus, they served breakfast all day, which was a must.

 

Sam was asking Dean a ton of questions about his last year of college, his classes, his friends, the parties (which Dean didn’t go to) and about what he was going to do now. Which, again, Dean didn’t know the answer to.

 

When they were seated at the restaurant, Dean made sure he was at Cas’ side, sandwiched between him and Sam. Cas put his arm around Dean and smiled at him. While everyone was distracted with figuring out what they wanted to order, he whispered to Dean, “I’m proud of you.”

 

Dean knew it, too. He knew how proud Cas was. He always made sure Dean could feel proud of. Like he was doing things right. Even though somethings he does aren’t perfect, it still makes Cas proud of him.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas had to go back to their apartment early, he had some work to get done. Dean didn’t mind, he knew how important Cas’ job was to him. He was a week away from getting his tattoo license and he had to file some paperwork about his training and assistance at Demon Ink before he could make it official.

 

After Cas had gone with a kiss for Dean and a hug for everybody else, Gabe asked Dean what his plans for the future were.

 

“Honestly, I don’t have any.” Dean told him.

 

Gabe perked up at this. “Well, actually, if you’re interested I have a job for you. We’re going to start filming the new season of _Dr. Sexy_ and I was wondering if you would like to be my music guy. We have a studio here, you don’t have to fly out to California.” Gabe offered.

 

“Music guy? What does that mean?” Dean asked. He was more than interested in working for Gabe. It was just a matter of, _is this something that I would want to do?_

 

“Basically, you come up with the soundtrack for the episodes. Background music, credit songs, all that. I know how much you like music and if you don’t have anything set in stone right now, this could be an option for you. You don’t have to give me an answer until the end of next month, but I’d really like it if you could think about it. It pays good money and it’s a relatively laid back job.”

 

Dean couldn’t believe it. A job working with two of his favorite things? Music and _Dr_. _Sexy_? Of course he wasn’t counting people in that list of favorite things….

 

“I would love to work for you. Seriously, this is amazing! I was just going to wander around town and see what was available, but this is pretty much the best thing right now. I mean, _yeah_.” Dean was still processing the fact that he got offered an amazing job by Gabe. _Gabriel Novak_ would be his boss. And he would be working with music. What could be better?

 

Their family was chatting away, but Dean couldn’t hear a thing they were talking about. He was too distracted with what Gabe had to say.

 

“Really? That would be great, Dean! I’ll give you more information once we start shooting, but I’ll tell everybody that I found the perfect guy. Really, you’re doing me a big favor here. I was running around trying to find someone even remotely qualified, and after about a dozen people who seem to not know _anything_ , I almost gave up. But then I had gotten off the phone with Cas and he was talking about you and the lightbulb went off. Dean! Who could be better? You _love_ music, you’re easy to work with, and you’re engaged to my baby brother. I’m so glad you want to take this job.” Gabe patted Dean on the shoulder.

 

“Just… thank you. This is so awesome.” Dean couldn’t think of anything else to say.

 

“Don’t mention it, _bro_.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Cas, can I talk to you for a second?” Dean called down the hallway. He was in their bedroom and Cas was in the kitchen, looking through the food that they had to come up with a midnight snack. They both wanted to just stay up all night and talk and cuddle and just spend some time together.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” Cas yelled back. Dean heard his soft bare footsteps on the hardwood floors. He never wore socks.

 

When Cas came into the room, Dean patted the spot on the bed next to him.

 

“Is something wrong?” Cas asked.

 

“No, no. I just… wanted to tell you something.” Dean started.

 

“Oh, okay.” Cas looked relieved. “What is it?”

 

“Earlier tonight, after you went home and after Gabe offered me the job, I talked to my mom. It was just me and her, and I really wanted to come clean about my whole life, basically. I don’t really want to get into the details of this, but I told Mom about my depression, about Dad, about self-harming, and about the tattoo. She was relieved that I was doing better, a little pissed that I didn’t tell her about the tattoo when I first got it, and she said that now she had another reason to hate John. I thought she was going to be mad at me for not telling her about self-harming earlier, like when I told Sammy, but she said she was just happy that I ended up okay now. She realized that it was my personal thing to talk about and I just didn’t feel like it was the right time. Overall it was a really good conversation.” Dean concluded his story with a satisfied smile. He was proud of himself for telling his mom about that, and he didn’t even cry like he did with Cas and Sam. It was getting a little easier to talk about it.

 

Cas surged forward and captured Dean in a strong hug. “That’s incredible, Dean! This has been such a great day for you. You told Mary about your hard past, you got a great job working with my brother, and you graduated college. And earlier tonight when I first got home, I got a phone call that said I was going to get my tattoo and piercing licenses in a few days. I’m going to be official! Everything is working out for us right now.”

 

Dean kissed Cas on the cheek. “I know, I’m so proud of us.” He took Cas’ left hand in both of his and started playing with the ring on his finger. “And, now that I’ve graduated college….” he trailed off.

 

They both knew what that meant.

 

Cas’ face lit up. “Wedding time! Oh my fucking god, Dean. I’m so _fucking_ excited about this! We’re going to have the cutest, most elegant small wedding in the world! I just know it. But, to be honest, I don’t know how to plan one of these things. Who are we going to invite? Where are we going to have it? What color are our flowers going to be?”

 

Dean stopped his rambling with a kiss. “Why don’t we just think about what we want to have, and then when we have an idea, we can start scheduling things and actually getting it together,” he suggested.

 

“Yeah, okay.” Cas smiled happily. “Can we work on the guest list?”

 

“Alright. That’s a good thing to start with. Hang on, let me go get something to write with.”

 

* * *

 

 

About forty five minutes later, their invitation list looked like this:

 

  1. _Sam/Jess_
  2. _Mary_
  3. _Grandma/grandpa Campbell (Deanna and Samuel)_
  4. _Gabe_
  5. _Gabe’s girlfriend Kali?_
  6. _Bobby Singer_
  7. _Bobby’s (girl)friend Ellen Harvelle and her daughter Jo who is 13_
  8. _Benny Lafitte and his +1 wife Andrea with their daughter Elizabeth (4 yo)_
  9. _Charlie_
  10. _Charlie’s +1 Dorothy?? probably_
  11. _Michael and his maybe boyfriend? They’re still new…._
  12. _Kevin Tran (is he still with that one girl or did they break up because he went to uic and not Harvard or something)_
  13. _anna and her bf inias, (anna is Cas’ friend from the hotel for prom)_
  14. _Garth Fitzgerald and his wifey Bess_
  15. _Ash and a plus one?_



 

There were twenty four people that they would want at their wedding. Yeah, it’s not really that much, but Dean would rather have an amazing time with the people he really loves and cares about than a crowd of people he’d have to be fake around. Plus, this way he and Cas can really be themselves, it’ll be just like hanging around at home except for the fact that… you know… they’re getting married. Most of those people they had met recently, either at college or at Cas’ work.

 

“I think this is good for now.” Dean started. “What color should our flowers be? I was thinking blue and purple and white. Or just blue and white. Or just purple and white.”

 

Cas smiled and kissed Dean on the lips. “I like blue and white. I don’t really know anything about flowers, though. Like what kinds smell good? Is it bad to have some kinds of flowers at weddings? Maybe we should ask someone.”

 

Dean got an idea. “We can call Jess! She got that job at the florist place, right? I bet she knows what she’s talking about.”

 

Cas got out his phone and found her in his contacts. “I’ll just ask if she’s interested,” he said as he pressed _call_. He put the ringer on speaker.

 

“ _Hi, Cas!_ ” Jess answered on the second ring.

 

“Hey, Jess. Sorry, I didn’t realize it was so late! Me and Dean were talking about planning for our wedding now that he’s graduated and I’m getting an official job title, and were wondering if you wanted to help us with flower and color choices? We like blue and white.”

 

“ _Oh my, god! Guys, this is so exciting! I’d love to help. Plus, if you want to get it from the shop that I work out I can probably get you a great discount. Don’t worry about the time… me and Sam are having a midnight movie marathon right now. We’ll get together sometime this week and talk about it, alright?_ ” Jess offered.

 

Cas grinned at Dean. “Thanks, Jess. You’re a big help. Tell Sam I said hey, okay? Text me when you’re free and we’ll make a day of it.”

 

“ _Alright, sounds good! Love you, bye!_ ”

 

“Love you, too. See ya soon!”

 

Cas waited for her to hang up before he pressed _end_.

 

“Well, that was easy.” Dean said.

 

“Mhm. Now we have to figure out a venue, cake, and food.” Cas told him.

 

“Should we do this in Chicago, or back home?” Dean asked. He didn’t know which one he preferred.

 

“I don’t know….” Cas looked like he was thinking. “Dean! Can we have the ceremony on the beach? At Lake Michigan? On the sand, with the water, oh my god it’s like a fantasy!”

 

Dean froze. Lake Michigan?

 

“Cas, that sounds perfect! We can have the ceremony in the afternoon and the party at night. This is a great idea. I know everyone will love it. Plus, that’s so _romantic_.”

 

Dean felt like he was floating when he saw how happy his approval made Cas. His smile was so wide and toothy. It really _was_ a perfect idea. They could take their shoes off, get their toes wet, and dance in the sand.

 

“Great. So what do we want for food?” Cas asked.

 

“Well, since we don’t really have a giant invite list, we could do something easy and light. Lots of snacks and treats….” Dean thought aloud.

 

“Would it be too trashy if we got burgers at our wedding? I mean, everybody likes them, and it would fit in with the beach party feeling.” Cas suggested.

 

“I think that would actually be really cool. We could carry out from a restaurant nearby.” Dean liked the idea of burgers at their wedding. The kids will like them, Dean _loves_ them, and it won’t be too much of a hassle to get it there. Fancy catered food, on the other hand, was a different story.

 

“And now all that’s left is a cake.” Dean smiled as he said that. So far they weren’t disagreeing with anything. They would probably argue about something later when things came down to detail, but they were both on the same page regarding the big picture.

 

“I don’t know about flavors, but I sort of want a big, traditional white wedding cake with lots of frosting and flowers and elegant decorations. I’ve always thought those were gorgeous.” Cas shrugged. He put his arm around Dean’s shoulders.

 

“We can do that,” Dean agreed, “And we can go to a cake place and taste some before we make a decision.”

 

Cas nodded and smiled before leaning in to give Dean a kiss.

 

“That was easy. And I’m assuming we’re going to have the wedding relatively soon?  Should we do this in August or wait a whole year?” Cas asked.

 

Dean thought about it and decided that it was the sooner the better. “I’d love to have it mid to late August. We already have a bunch of things planned, and if our family helps, we should have no problem getting it done. We can get fitted for tux’s and do the cake thing soon to have it all planned out in time.” Dean really did want this to happen like, _now_.

 

“Okay. I think you’re right. And we should get invitations out as soon as possible since this is so sudden. But we should get to bed, baby. We’ve got a wedding to plan in the morning!” Cas exclaimed. He grabbed Dean and pulled him in for one last kiss before they fell asleep.

 

“Yeah, we do.”


	57. It's Time for a Wedding!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo the title basically gave it away

**_ Late August  _ **

 

Sam straightened Dean’s collar for the millionth time that afternoon.

 

“Sammy, it’s _fine_. How come you’re so jittery?” Dean asked.

 

“I’m nervous for you! Sorry I can’t be completely calm while your life is about to change. You don’t even look a _little_ nervous. I would be sweating like crazy right now.” Sam said, exasperated. He ran his hands down his own suit to flatten out the nonexistent wrinkles.

 

Dean took a deep breath and turned to look at himself in the mirror. His hair was styled neatly, his tuxedo was classic with an emerald green bowtie, and he had on the bracelets that Sam gave him for Christmas all those years ago. They were tucked under his sleeve so only he knew about them. Dean had been dreaming about this day for years and he couldn’t believe it was finally _here_.

 

“I am nervous. I’m so nervous that it’s kinda making me sick right now. There’s so much that could go wrong. The Impala could break down, my suit could rip, the food might not be ready, I could royally fuck up my vows, or it could rain. I’m worried that those things might happen, but they don’t matter at all. The one thing that I’m not worried about is Cas running out on me or anything like that. That’s the only thing that even matters, and I’m not even doubting for a single second that he’ll be there. I know he will. So that’s how I’m staying calm. All those other things could happen and I wouldn’t bat an eye so long as Cas was standing there with me.” Dean looked at Sam through the mirror and smiled at him.

 

“I’m so proud of you, Dean. I can’t believe you actually getting _married_. It’s crazy! I feel like it was just yesterday you were telling me all about this new boy that was coming over. And you were so nervous about it, too. We’ve all come so far from that point in time.” Sam put his massive hand on Dean’s shoulder. That kid really was getting big.

 

Dean laughed. “I was so scared for that. He was my first date! My first… everything, really. I didn’t want to mess everything up. Plus, you were worse than me when you and Jess were going to that dance your eighth grade year!”

 

“Yeah, that was pretty bad. Look at us now. We’re both still with the first people we’ve ever been with. Do you know how lucky we are? People go through so much heartache to finally get to the person they’re meant to be with, and we got it right on the first try.” Sam mused. He ran his hand through his long hair and checked the time on his pocket watch. “We should get going, the ceremony is starting soon and we need to make our big entrance.”

 

Big entrance, meaning Dean pulling up in the beach parking lot with Sam in his Impala and getting out after everybody was ready so they could walk down the long navy blue aisle to where Cas was waiting for him at the end of it.

 

* * *

 

 

The car was parked, Dean was ready, and Sam was waiting for Dean to be ready to get out of the Impala. Their friends and family were waiting for them. Their heads were turned back to where the car was parked, not wanting to miss anything. The ladies were all barefoot in the sand, and some of the guys were, too. Dean, Cas, and Sam were planning on shedding their shoes after the ceremony. They had to keep them on during the ceremony. Well, they didn’t have to, but Dean felt weird walking down the aisle without shoes on so they kept theirs on, too. Yeah, everybody was sitting there except Charlie. She was standing to the side, camera in hand. She practically begged Dean to let her be the photographer for the night. After seeing some of her work, there was no way he could say no. There were about two dozen chairs facing the water, split in half by the navy aisle. It looked like a really long red carpet, but, you know, blue.

 

There were tables with nice blue table cloths on them and people setting up food in the distance, a little ways down from the ceremony.

 

He could see Cas all the way down by the wedding officiant. He had his hands behind his back, but Dean couldn’t really make out any of his facial expressions. He was too far away.

 

Dean took a deep breath and checked himself out in the rearview mirror one last time. “You look great, Dean.” Sam assured him. “I love you.”

 

That was all Dean needed. He opened the door, Sam doing the same, and they walked to the edge of the carpet. He could barely hear the music, it was louder where everybody else was near where the actual ceremony was taking place.

 

Originally, they were thinking that Mary was going to walk Dean down the aisle, sort of as tradition to ‘give him away’, but she pointed out that it would make more sense because Sam was going to be with him before the wedding. She said it would be fine if he still wanted her to walk him down, but it would be perfectly fine if he walked with Sam. Mary also told him that it wouldn’t really be like she was cheated out of an experience with her oldest son because they weren’t exactly doing anything traditional, and she would have more opportunities to be a part of his wedding later on in the day.

 

Dean locked elbows with Sam, and they took their first step together onto the carpet.

 

They walked slow, steady, and in sync. Dean was grateful for that, he felt like his knees were going to give out.

 

“I’m so scared, Sammy.” Dean whispered. He kept his head forward, though, so people wouldn’t know they were talking.

 

“You’re fine, Dean. Everyone here loves and supports you. Don’t worry about messing up, they won’t care.” Sam said back.

 

Everybody was smiling at them. The music got louder as they got closer, and cameras started to flash. Dean could see now that Cas had a big, wide, watery-eyed smile on his perfect face.

 

Soon they passed the first row of people, then the next, and before Dean knew it, Sam was letting go of his arm to go stand a few feet away from the couple, behind him, in the same spot that Gabe was in behind Cas. The best men at their wedding.

 

The soft piano was still going, and Dean took his time to look at Cas as he stopped walking and set his feet shorter than an arm’s length away from him. Cas was wearing a clean suit in a dark blue color, almost black. His collar was perfect, but his tie was tilted ever so slightly to the side. All his piercings were in, they were all a matching black color.

 

Dean smiled. _I love you_ , he mouthed.

 

 _I love you, too._ Cas replied silently.

 

Dean took a shy look around him, at their guests. Everybody was still smiling at them. He took a deep, calming breath and turned back to Cas. Dean was smiling so wide that it hurt, but he couldn’t stop it. It was the happiest day of his life.

 

The music was turned down, but was still audible so that it set the background, and the wedding officiant cleared his throat. He was a stocky man, and Dean and Cas knew right away that they wanted him to be their guy. He was funny, but he got to the point and still made everything seem romantic. It was an odd combination, but it definitely worked.

 

Dean tried not to focus on how sweaty his hands were, or how fast his heart was beating, or how he was going to get married to _Castiel James Novak_ in a matter of minutes.

 

He remembered what he thought when they first met. Back in junior year of high school. Third quarter had just begun. Cas shoved him into a locker in the hallway on accident and they ended up being lab partners. He remembers thinking about how just plain _attractive_ he was. Bright blue eyes, strong arms, expensive looking leather jacket, piercings. He was so hot.

 

But what changed?

 

Nothing, really. He was still the beautiful, loving, caring boy he’d met over almost six years ago. Except for the fact that, now, that boy turned into a man.

 

“You people are all here to watch Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester get married. This is an opportunity for us to share not only in the joy of their extremely powerful love, but also to reaffirm and appreciate the love and the friendship we experience in our own lives. I didn’t know Cas or Dean until just a few months ago when they picked me to be their wedding officiant. I wanted to get myself better acquainted with them so I could perform their ceremony as a friend instead of a stranger.

 

“As I got to know this couple, I’ve seen how much they are in love with each other. Sometimes I see people who are getting married because they think it’s the right thing to do, and not because they are in love. Or maybe they are, but it’s not what they need. Dean and Castiel, on the other hand, have love for each other that is so pure and so innocent, I’ve never seen anything like it. Marriage consists of entrusting our deepest selves into the loving care of another. These two have it down. Nothing would please me more than marrying these two young men, so let’s get down to business.”

 

Dean couldn’t help but laugh and smile a little at that. While he was listening intently to Frank, their officiant, Dean couldn’t take his eyes off of Cas. He felt himself start to tear up a little bit, but he swallowed hard and focused on the way Cas was smiling softly at him.

 

They had agreed on making it short and sweet, just a quick beginning speech by Frank, then Dean would say his vows, Cas would say his vows, they would get to the ‘I do’s’ and then they would close it with a kiss. But then, if Frank was done with his opener…. Fuck.

 

“Dean, would you like to say your vows?”

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.

 

Dean reached into his jacket pocket and halfway pulled out the paper that he wrote his vows on when he heard it tear.

 

He pulled it the rest of the way out and cringed as it split the rest of the way in half. The bottom part of the sheet flitted to the ground. Dean looked at the torn paper in his hand, glanced down to the other half of it lying by his right shoe, bent down to pick it up, and then shoved the torn papers back into his pants pocket. A few people laughed at his goofiness, but Dean just felt stupid. Cas looked sympathetic, but Dean just gave him an awkward smile before clearing his throat and starting his vows, trying not to throw up on the spot.

 

“Cas, you’re my life, my love, my everything. I got through some of the toughest years of my life because of you. We’ve been living together for four years now, and in some ways, we were already married. Every day with you was like a new adventure, whether we stayed at home and watched movies, I had school and you had work all day and all we did was text, or if we spent our time walking around the city. I’m always learning new things about you and every little bit makes me happier. I want to thank you for being my friend even if it was just for a day, and then my boyfriend, and now my fiancé, soon to be my husband. You love and respect me and everything that I do, and that supportiveness has helped me become the person I am today. As cliché as it sounds, I love you with all of my heart, with every fiber of my being, from my head to my toes. I vow to love and care for you for the rest of our lives. And to do everything I can to make you happy, no matter what it takes. You’re a beautiful man, inside and out, and I couldn’t be happier to say that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you and I cherish you and… and I just love you so much, Cas.” Dean’s voice cracked when he finished his vow with _Cas_.

 

He was never a good public speaker, and saying things like that felt weird. He said them to Cas all the time, but it was different saying it to his family. Dean knows that the one he had written down was way longer than what he actually said, but he basically got the point across. While he was talking, Dean kept his eyes on Cas’ the entire time. He wanted him to know that what he was saying was real, and he meant every single word of it.

 

Cas’ eyes looked a little wet, but he blinked to fight the tears back. Dean understood, he didn’t want to cry yet, either. He was nervous to hear what Cas was about to say. He knew that he loved him, but it was the fact that they were having such a moment together, and it felt like they were alone while they were with almost thirty other people.

 

He cleared his throat just as Dean did before and began his marital vows. With a written paper, of course.

 

“Uh… okay. Okay. Dean Samuel Winchester, when I first met you, I just thought you were a cute boy I would like to date. Then we hung out, and after just a day, I changed my mind. Well, not about the cute thing or the dating thing, you were really cute and I wanted to date you very much so. I just wanted more with you. After just a couple weeks, I felt like I knew you inside and out, and I loved you for the first time. You told me things that I never even thought about, lots of them are things that people struggle with every day. It didn’t change anything, I might have even loved you more. You opened my eyes to so many new things to think about, to so many different ways to live, to so many different ways to love you. I never would have thought that me moving to some suburban nightmare was going to change my life in such a short amount of time. I love you, Dean, and I can’t think of a better way to spend the rest of my life than to be married to you. That day when you got down on one knee, I swear my heart stopped beating. It was so out of the blue, it felt like a dream. And we agreed to wait until you got out of school, but the night that you graduated we started planning it. Now that we’re actually doing this, it’s just insane to me. I never even thought I was going to get married, but now it’s all I want. You’re all that I want. Our future together is what I want.” Cas paused, folded up the sheet he was using as a reference to his speech, and then continued again. Through the whole beginning of his vows, Cas was holding himself together pretty well, while Dean felt like he was going to burst into tears. It was all so overwhelming for him, but in a good way. A _great_ way. “God, Dean. You’re like ten minutes away from being my husband. My _husband_. We’re going to be wearing matching rings, and living together. Well I guess we’re already living together. And have been for four years. But the difference is, when we go home tonight, we’re going to be married. I just… I can’t believe it. But now it’s all so real, and I just love you so, so, _so_ much. And you look incredible right now. And I love you. And now I’m done.” Cas smiled awkwardly at Dean, and before he could stop it, a small tear slipped out of Dean’s eye.

 

 _Thank you,_ he mouthed. He didn’t know what else to say. Cas looked like he wanted to do something, but Dean’s curiosity was interrupted when Frank started talking again.

 

“The rings?” he looked towards Gabriel.

 

“Huh? Oh, oh yeah.” Gabe reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a little box. He opened it and handed it to Frank.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Gabe nodded at them.

 

Frank gave the first ring to Dean.

 

“Castiel James Novak, do you take Dean Samuel Winchester to be your husband, through thick and thin, through whatever life may throw at you, and to love him unconditionally, for as long as you live?”

 

Dean’s heart skipped a beat when Cas answered, “I do.” He took his left hand and slid the ring onto Cas’ ring finger.

 

Frank gave the second ring to Cas. “And do you, Dean Samuel Winchester, take Castiel James Novak to be your husband, through thick and thin, through whatever life may throw at you, and to love him unconditionally, for as long as you live?”

 

He didn’t even think. He was just waiting for Frank to stop talking so he could say _I do_ , but that wasn’t exactly what came out.

 

“ _Fuck_ _yes_ I do.”

 

Cas’ eyes went wide, Dean blushed and covered his mouth immediately because there were _children_ in the audience! Not to mention his mother….

 

Dean snuck a glance sideways to where Mary was sitting front row next to Jess and Bobby. She had a soft smirk on her face, and when she caught him looking at her, she gave him a big smile. Charlie and Benny were chuckling, and Dean was relieved that he wasn’t a little mad because Dean swore in front of Elizabeth, his four year old daughter.

 

Cas was laughing when he took Dean’s hand and slid the ring on, but they both stopped laughing and just smiled wide at each other like a couple of idiots.

 

Frank was chuckling lightly next to them, but quickly caught himself and continued with his last few lines. “I now pronounce you husband and husband. Now kiss!”

 

Dean and Cas were both smiling when they leaned in to press their mouths together, but those expressions quickly melted into closed eyes and soft lips. He was slightly aware that people were clapping and cheering, but it all got fuzzy when he grabbed Cas around his back and dipped him backwards. Cas’ arms wrapped around Dean’s shoulders and neck tightly for balance, and he deepened their kiss. Cas’ lips tasted like chapstick and sugar and everything amazing and their kiss was quickly turning into something more than PG….

 

It’s not like he could help it. They were now going to change their names so Dean was Dean Samuel Winchester-Novak, and Cas was going to be Castiel James Novak-Winchester. A truly fuckable name.

 

Dean stood up straight, bringing Cas up with him, and kissed him on the cheek. He kept his arm around Cas’ They both turned to face their guests and blushed red when they saw that everybody was standing and clapping, and Charlie was taking pictures and Kevin, Garth, and Ash were whistling and everybody was so happy for them.

 

Sam came up behind Dean and gave him a congratulatory pat on the back. Dean smiled at him and saw that he had red eyes and wet cheeks. “Congrats, Dean.” Sam fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket.

 

Dean pulled away from Cas for just a second so he could give Sam a hug, and from the way he heard Gabe say, “I love you, little bro,” they were doing the exact same thing.

 

A few minutes later, when everybody was settled down, Charlie took people for pictures. She was going to be their main photographer for the night, but they bought about fifty disposable cameras for the reception for their guests to take pictures. Cas thought it would be fun to see how other people saw them.

 

After they had hugged and thanked everybody there for coming, Dean and Cas wrapped their arms around each other’s waists and walked down the long blue aisle together to the Impala.

 

Dean opened the door for Cas and watched him duck into the passenger’s side. He ran around the front, gave one last far away wave to his family and friends across the sand before climbing into the driver’s side and starting the car. Dean didn’t take it out of park, though, he just sat there with the radio on. After a few minutes of silence, Dean and Cas simultaneously turned to each other. Dean spoke first.

 

“Cas, baby, we’re fucking married.”

 

Cas burst out laughing. “I know, babe. I’m your _husband_. And you’re my _husband_. And I love you so _goddamn_ much. Jesus, Dean, I’ve been dreaming about this day for so long, and I just fucking happened.” Cas showed Dean his ring. “Look!”

 

Dean smiled and kissed his finger. “We have the same ones. And it looks amazing on you. And I love you, too. So much. So, so much. Kiss me.”

 

Cas didn’t say any more. He grabbed Dean by the back of his neck and kissed him hard, not hesitating to open his mouth.

 

Dean pulled away after several minutes, out of breath and extremely happy.

 

“We need to go to the reception. Everybody’s already walked out there and people are starting to clean up the ceremony area. Ready?” Dean asked.

 

“Ready. But when we go park, you have to help me undress for the party. Gabe triple knotted my shoes and these buttons are really tight.” Cas said.

 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll help you undress….”

 

“ _Dean_!”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dean started the car and grabbed Cas’ hand. “Let’s go.”

 

Cas spent the whole drive snuggled up to Dean’s side.

 

When they drove down the road to the next parking lot, they could already see their family and friends dancing and having a good time. Michael was setting up the music for the night—his band, The Hellhounds, were playing live at the wedding. Cas had to beg for a week, but he finally gave in and even did it for free, as his wedding gift for the couple. In the meantime, it sounded like they were playing some regular music that was on somebody's playlist.

 

Dean parked in the spot that had a wooden sign decorated in blue and white flowers. It was their designated spot in the front.

 

“Help me?” Cas lifted his shoe and put it on the seat between them. Dean chuckled, but started untying the mess that Gabe put his laces in.

 

After four shoes, two pairs of socks, two jackets, a bowtie, and a waistcoat were lying in the back seat, Dean and Cas rolled up their sleeves and pant legs, unbuttoned their shirts a little, put their sunglasses on, and kissed once for good measure.

 

Dean smiled at Cas because, hey, he looked really cute in those sunglasses.

 

“Let’s roll, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you have it, our babies got married!   
> (the next chapter is the reception, dont worry, i didnt forget about it!)  
> guys, only 7 more chapters! i'm kind of excited though, i'm going to write a ton of oneshots!  
> thanks for reading and thank you to anyone who has been leaving amazing comments or are asking me questions... it's like my favorite thing in the world! much love, and goodnight <3


	58. It's Time for a Reception!

_**Wedding Day** _

 

Dean and Cas walked down the warm sand hand in hand. The music was loud, people were dancing, and everything that was set up looked awesome.

 

The tables on the side were perfectly arranged and the blue and white flowers in the center looked better than Dean thought they would. Jess did an incredible job with the flowers, and the big white tent that had all the food under it was covered in bright white lights, like the kind you would use to put on a Christmas tree, and it made everything feel like a fairytale. It wasn’t dark enough to be completely magical, but Dean knew it would definitely feel like he was under the stars later in the night. The city lights were way too bright for anybody to actually see the stars.

 

There were people bringing in freshly made burgers and salads and side dishes. They weren’t going to have a set dinner time, it was just a party, pretty much. People could eat and dance whenever they wanted, and Dean thought it would be better that way since if him and Cas were going to do what they wanted, why should their guests have to have a certain time to do something? Besides, there wasn’t anybody there that they were trying to impress. Everybody was so laid back and fun, and it was going to be a great night.

 

“I want to dance with you.” Cas whispered just as they were nearing the whole reception area.

 

“We have to dance to our song first.” Dean said.

 

“Yeah, we do. Hang on!” Cas let go of Dean’s hand and he watched as Cas ran across the sand, kicking it up on his way to the stage where Michael was. Michael bent down to Cas’ level so he could hear what he was saying. Soon, Cas was running back to Dean and grabbing his hand again.

 

Michael turned the music down and took the microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our newlyweds to dance their first dance.”

 

Dean squeezed Cas’ hand and then let go when he saw that people were moving away from the center of everything, sort of forming a circle. He and Cas slowly made their way into the center where they stood there, shyly looking around at all of their friends and family members. Everybody was smiling at them. Gabe had him arm around Kali, a new girl he met through work. Cas was really happy for them when he found out. Sam and Jess were holding hands, Bobby and Ellen were standing behind Jo, all smiling at them. It all felt so _weird_. But good. Definitely good.

 

Then the song started. It was slow and quiet at first, but them somebody turned up the volume and Cas blushed. Dean held out his hand, palm up.

 

“May I have this dance?” he asked.

 

“Yes, you may.” Cas blushed even harder and took Dean’s hand.

 

Dean immediately pulled him in close to his chest. He put his arms loosely around Cas’ neck, and smiled when he felt strong hands close around his waist and back.

 

“ _I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom, for me and you, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world. I see skies of blue, and clouds of white….”_

They didn’t really dance. Dean rested his head down on Cas’ shoulder as they swayed side to side. It was slow, it was sandy, and it was _perfect_. While Dean was aware that people were watching, he only really felt _Cas_. His scent, his body, his soft breath on Dean’s neck. Dean kept his eyes closed, content with just feeling everything. They didn’t talk. They didn’t need to.

 

As the song came to an end, Dean lifted his head from its place on Cas’ shoulder. Other couples were starting to join them, slow dancing as more music began to play.

 

Eventually, they let go of each other, but only for Dean to have a dance with Mary. He saw Cas go talk to Gabe for a minute before he got a little lost in the crowd.

 

“I’m really proud of you, Dean.” Mary stated, with no room for argument.

 

Dean looked her in the eye and said seriously, “Me too. And thank you.”

 

“For what?” she asked.

 

“For being my mom. Even though sometimes it was hard and you had to deal with Dad, you never let it affect how much we knew you loved us. Me and Sammy always knew. So thank you.” Dean finished.

 

Mary smiled. “Thank you for being such a good brother for Sam. And a role model. And a great son to me. I love you, Dean.”

 

“I know you do. I love you, too, Mom.”

 

After Dean and Mary finished their dance, Dean politely interrupted Sam and Jess so he could dance with Jess. Sam smiled at Dean and went to go find someone else to talk to for a little bit.

 

Dean grabbed her waist like a gentleman, and looked her in the eye. “Thank you, Jess. This wedding looks incredible. I don’t even know what kind of flowers these are, but they’re the most beautiful things I have ever seen. You really helped Cas and I out here. I owe you a big one.”

 

“I didn’t mind, it was so much fun helping you guys. Plus, you bought me lunch every time we got together. And dessert. So thank _you_.” Jess shook her long blonde hair out of her face.

 

Dean smiled. “You really are Sam’s girl. Hell, I remember when you were 5’4, and you were shy to be round Sam all the time. Now you’re grown, you and him are going to be sophomores in _college_. But that can’t be true, because he’s still my baby brother who needs my help making dinner. You guys are adults. And it’s weird, I just got married but I still feel like it’s my junior year of high school and Cas and I are still going out on shy dates to the movies.”

 

Jess laughed. “But isn’t it supposed to feel like that? Like beating hearts and butterflies in your stomach? That’s love, Dean. I still feel that way about Sam. It’s been six years for us, and everything still feels new but familiar at the same time. That’s what I love about it.”

 

Dean thought about what Jess said. She was absolutely right.

 

After a couple more slow songs, the fast party music came on. Dean ran around to look for Cas, and he found him talking to his friend Inias. Dean grabbed his arm and tugged it towards where everybody else was, dancing.

 

“Come on, baby, dance with me?”

 

Cas said goodbye to Inias and let Dean take him out to the sun warmed sand.

 

“I didn’t know you would want to dance,” Cas told him.

 

“I don’t usually because I look stupid,” Dean said over the music, “But it’s our wedding day, and I’m going to dance with my smokin’ hot husband if I want to.”

 

“Good answer.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean and Cas soon got tired from the vigorous dancing, and they decided to get something to eat from under the food tent.

 

The burgers were being kept warm under the tent with all the other food. Dean grabbed plates for him and Cas, handed one to him, and then started loading his own up with everything.

 

When Dean and Cas were deciding on what food to have at their wedding, they realized that it would be more fun to just have a ton of food out for people to take when they got hungry. Dean called some of their favorite shops and restaurants ahead of time so he could get mass orders of food like appetizers, treats, and even salads.

 

After their plates couldn’t hold any more, the boys went to go sit down at a table with Kevin and Charlie. Kevin ended up going alone to the wedding – he and his girlfriend split up when he said he didn’t want to be an engineer after he graduated college, and instead changing his major to something that would help him become a children’s teacher.

 

“Hey, guys,” Charlie said as they sat down. She got her hair cut short a few weeks before the wedding and her side bangs were moving a little with the breeze.

 

“Hey, Charlie, Kevin,” Cas greeted. “How are you two doing?”

 

“Pretty good, I was actually just about to show Kevin here how to dance. He didn’t want to because he thought he’d look stupid, but come on, _everybody_ out there looks stupid.” Charlie reasoned. Valid point.

 

“She’s right, Kev.” Dean told him.

 

“I know, I know. Alright, Charles. Let’s go and get this over with,” Kevin said, taking Charlie’s arm and leading her in front of the stage where the Hellhounds were about to play another set. “Bye, Cas! Bye, Dean!”

 

Cas laughed as Charlie tried to show Kevin how to move his arms without hitting anybody. He failed a few times in the beginning, but it started to look like he was getting the hang of it.

 

As they ate, they just looked around to see if people were having a good time. Dean saw Benny and Andrea showing their four year old daughter Elizabeth how to use the disposable cameras down by the water. She took a picture of her feet in the wet sand once she figured the button out. Andrea ran her hand through Elizabeth’s long, curly, brown hair before wrapping an arm around Benny. It was the perfect family picture.

 

“Cas? Do you want to have kids?” Dean asked.

 

Cas choked on a bit of his chicken leg. “Y-yo… you want kids with me?”

 

“Well… yeah. I mean, we’ve talked about this before, right? I didn’t think it would be a shock to you.” Dean was a little disappointed in Cas’ negative reaction. He had been under the impression that both of them really wanted to have kids eventually, whether it was sooner or later.

 

“Yeah we have, just, it was a long time ago. I haven’t really thought about it lately, it’s all been school and work and now the wedding. I guess that now all of that stuff is over, we can start thinking about maybe having a child. I _do_ want to have kids with you, Dean. Don’t think that I don’t really want this.” Cas reached out for Dean’s hand.

 

Dean let Cas intertwine their fingers. “I know you do. I just… everybody we know with kids looks so happy. And I know you’re going to be a great father. And, you know what? I am, too. I am going to be an awesome dad. The best.”

 

“But I want to be the best!” Cas fake whined.

 

“Okay, okay. We’re tied for the best.” Dean reasoned. They both laughed at their own ridiculousness and then Dean kissed Cas on the lips. “So, we’re gonna have kids?”

 

“Yeah, we’re gonna have kids.”

 

* * *

 

 

Later in the night after everybody had eaten something resembling a dinner, they all gathered around in the middle of the tent to watch Dean and Cas cut the cake.

 

Cas definitely got what he wanted, it was a _giant_ cake. When it got delivered, Dean had no idea it would be so big. That cake could feed at least one hundred people, and they had told the cake people that there were 30 at the wedding. It was a four-tiered cake in all white, with weaves and swirls of white frosting on each level. On the very top it read, “Love is love,” in elegant cursive writing, white frosting, of course.

 

Gabriel handed Dean the knife.

 

“Here,” Dean tried to give it to Cas. “It’s your dream cake, you cut it.”

 

Cas shook his head. “Yeah, but it’s our wedding. Cut it with me.”

 

Dean smiled. He wrapped his fingers around the handle and pointed it towards the cake, far enough so that Cas could put his hand on top of Dean’s.

 

“On three, okay?” Dean looked to Cas and saw him nod. “One… two… three!”

 

Together, they brought the knife down gently on the bottom tier of the cake, slicing through the sugary pastry. They simultaneously pulled the knife out and cut again, creating the perfect triangular piece. Cas kissed Dean on the cheek and took his hand off of Dean’s. Dean was about to go put the knife down but he got a better idea. Instead of handing the knife to someone who could actually cut the cake so that everybody could eat it, Dean cut their triangle slice in half, picked up one piece, and smushed it onto Cas’ face. He was careful not to get it in his hair or on his clothes, and it resulted in a successfully yellow-cake covered husband with a stupid, happy, and strangely revenge-filled grin on his face. Everybody that was watching started laughing, and Sam said, “You’d better run, Dean!”

 

“I am so gonna get you, Winchester.” Cas picked up the last bit of cake and smashed it onto Dean’s nose, cheeks, and forehead. His whole face felt like a sticky frosting mess.

 

“Hey! That’s Winchester-Novak to you, sir.” Dean sassed. Cas stopped. Dean would have been so turned on by the look that Cas gave him if it wasnt for the fact that they were both covered in frosting.

 

“Yeah, it is.” Cas whispered. he leaned in to kiss Dean, and as soon as their lips met, everybody cheered and Dean remembered that they were directly in the middle of a circle formed by their family and friends.

 

“So, now that you guys are done doing, whatever that was, can we get cake now?” Charlie asked after she took a surely ridiculous picture of the boys with cake on their faces.

 

“Sure thing, Charles. Gabriel?” Dean pointed to the forgotten knife the table “Will you do the honors?”

 

“I would want nothing more, Dean-o.”

 

* * *

 

 

Everybody was sitting at the tables and enjoying their cake. Dean and Cas sat by Sam and Jess.

 

As Dean ate their dessert, he really took in everything around him. The water was rolling gently onto the wet sand and it created a soothing sound, the tan grains on his feet were soft and warm and it felt good to stick his toes into them ever since the air had started to cool. The sun had almost disappeared behind the horizon and the sky was a beautiful navy blue and pink color. As Dean thought, there weren’t any stars, but the lights that they had strung looked so cozy and the word pretty didn’t even begin to cover it. Everything put together made the whole beach feel like a summer wonderland. It was gorgeous out and everybody was having a great night and nothing went wrong, well, except Dean ripping his vow papers and dropping them in front of everybody. That was a little embarrassing, but he got over it quick enough. And Cas didn’t seem to mind much.

 

“Babe, we should get going. It’s late.” Cas put his arm around Dean’s shoulders.

 

Dean took one last glance around them. Gabe and Kali were dancing with a few other couples in the sand. Everybody looked so content and happy and Dean was really glad that they all had such a good time.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, we should.”

 

After saying goodbye, they made their long walk up the beach to the Impala, still waiting patiently for their return in the parking lot.

 

“You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if our apartment was completely fucked up by the time we got there. Gabe left for about an hour with the key and I think he’s set something up in there. I’m sure it’s not a mess, but I think he just decorated it.” Cas told Dean. They got in the car and Dean held his hand out for Cas to take.

 

“Actually, did Sam go with him? I saw Jess and Kali dancing but Gabe and Sam weren’t with them. They probably planned something together.” Dean said as he started pulling out of the parking lot.

 

“Yeah. They really care about us.” Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. “I love you, baby.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Dean and Cas got back to the apartment and opened the door, they were bombarded with white and blue balloons, streamers of the same colors strung across the living room, and a giant blue banner on the kitchen wall that said, “Congratulations!” and in black sharpie somebody had written in messy handwriting, probably Gabe, “…on getting married!!!! And then laid!!!!!!”

 

Dean laughed and pointed the sign out to Cas. “You were so right, they totally fucked this place up.”

 

Cas just smiled and kissed Dean on the cheek.

 

“So….” Dean said.

 

“So…?”

 

“Am I going to get laid? I mean, Gabriel was predicting the future, right?” Dean teased.

 

“Of course. We wouldn’t want him to be wrong, now, would we?” Cas turned in front of Dean and started unbuttoning Dean’s shirt.

 

“Not at all. Take me to our bedroom and fuck me, please.” Dean took a step forward, leading Cas in the direction of their room.

 

“I think that can be arranged….” Cas trailed off as he grabbed Dean’s hand and tugged him along, running through the apartment to get to the bedroom. They ignored the balloons on the floor and the flowers everywhere, instead choosing to focus on getting the other person’s clothes off.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean woke up in the morning with his arms around Cas’ bare waist and their sheets tangled up in his legs. The sun was peeking through their bedroom window, and he had to squint when he looked around the room. He felt Cas move a little in front of him and grab onto Dean’s hands that were so conveniently resting on his stomach.

 

“We’re married, Cas.” Dean whispered.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So it's finals week and I'm trying to still write but I have to study, too but I managed to get this in before school today and I hope you liked it and please tell me what you think? 6 Chapters left! Love you <3


	59. A Couple's Paradise

_**Day One** _

 

“Oh god. Finally!” Dean let out a nice, long sigh of relief when his feet touched solid ground. They had been on the airplane for several hours, as Cas had informed Dean that they couldn't physically drive the Impala to an island in the middle of the ocean.

 

“It wasn’t that bad, Dean. You were fine once we got in the air.” Cas rolled his eyes fondly at Dean’s dramatics.

 

“I was most definitely not fine, but I had to act like I was fine because I’m a grown man and there were four year olds on that plane who handled it better than me.” Dean argued.

 

“Whatever, babe. Let’s go get our luggage, we have to catch a taxi to get to the hotel.” Cas grabbed Dean by the hand and tugged him towards the gate.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean’s idea of a perfect honeymoon was going on a two week long road trip with both of his babies; Cas and the Impala. When Gabe found this out, he just scoffed and bought them two plane tickets to a tropical island in the Atlantic ocean. He said it was his wedding gift for them, along with a luxury hotel suite and any or all expenses that might pop up during their stay. Cas and Dean protested at first, but Gabriel didn’t budge. He said it was the least he could do. You only honeymoon once, right?

 

When the newlyweds paid their taxi driver and checked in to the hotel, they had a chance to marvel at their surroundings. There were windows in the hotel lobby that faced the water, but their room was on the top floor and they could see everything.

 

Dean and Cas dropped their bags the moment they walked into the room. Their view was an incredibly beautiful, unobstructed sight. The water was a vivid bright blue, the sky was cloudless, and there were red and white boats in their docks, the children were running around in the sun warmed sand, holding kites and ice cream cones and wearing flip flops. Teenagers were tanning and swimming in the water, older people were walking along the pier, and everybody looked like they were having an amazing time.

 

They just hung out in the living area, unpacking their bags for the night and getting used to their room.

 

Dean and Cas had arrived at the hotel a little past five at night and were starting to want some food. There wasn’t much to eat on the plane. It was nearing seven and the boys were officially hungry.

 

“What do you want for dinner, baby?” Cas asked. “We could get room service, go to a restaurant, whatever. It’s all on Gabe.”

 

Dean laughed but sincerely thought about the question. “Let’s go on the boardwalk, we can grab some food and sit with our toes in the water.”

 

“Sounds like a plan. Hang on, let me get my shoes on.” Cas left the main room and ducked into their bedroom where he left his Converse. Dean sat on the arm of the couch and waited for his return. He felt a warm breeze come in through the window, it had to be at least 78 or even 80 degrees out then. There was no way he was going to make it with jeans and a flannel.

 

Dean untucked his undershirt and unbuttoned his flannel, shrugging it off of his shoulders. Cas came back in the room just as Dean had rolled up the bottom of his jeans.

 

“Ready?” Dean asked, stepping closer to Cas and holding his hand out for him to take.

 

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Cas said as he gave Dean his hand. “You look… cute.”

 

Dean blushed a little. “Thanks. It’s not weird, is it?” Dean rubbed his scarred forearm with his one free hand.

 

“No, it’s not weird. It’s inspiring. And it’s endearing. And it's sexy. C’mon, let’s go. I’m starving.” Cas assured Dean that he looked perfect.

 

Dean let himself get pulled out of their hotel room door and towards the beach.

 

* * *

 

 

I cannot believe that there is all of this amazing food here that we’ve never tried before and you got a corn dog. A motherfucking _corn_ _dog_. That’s a bread coated hot dog on a stick, Dean.” Cas splashed his toes in the water and nudged Dean with his shoulder.

 

“Uh, yeah. And it’s delicious. At least I’m eating _real_ food, Mr. Deep Fried Oreo.” Dean defended himself. He watched as Cas laughed, head thrown back and shoulders shaking.

 

“Alright, alright. We both suck at being cultured. I mean, by the end of this trip we’ll have tried something new, right?” Cas said, trying to make things better.

 

“Yeah, totally. Let’s go grab another corn dog and plate of Oreos when we make our way back to the hotel. It’s getting late and I want to have sex with you before we go to bed. Dean dipped his toes in the water one last time and made to get up into the pier.

 

“Good idea.”

 

* * *

 

 

**_Day Two_ **

 

The boys woke up bright and early, ready to start their day. Well, it was more like eleven in the morning and Dean and Cas were both sitting by the coffee machine, reluctant to go anywhere else. Their plan for the day was to just hang out at the beach and soak up the sun. With a layer of sunscreen on, of course.

 

Once they finally got themselves up and moving, they packed their bags for the beach, got dressed, and headed down by the water.

 

Even though it was hot as hell outside, Dean wasn’t comfortable in wearing anything less than a tank top and swim shorts. It’s not that he doesn’t want people to know about his scars, it’s that he just doesn’t want to deal with the staring and it would make him really uncomfortable. It would be way different if it was dark outside or if it was just him and Cas or even just slightly less people there.

 

It’s not like this beach was crowded—it really wasn’t. This was the smaller, less popular beach. Across the island, there was a very large and populous beach which was where the main attraction was. Dean and Cas were happy to have the smaller beach.

 

When they got to the beach and found their area, Dean and Cas laid their towels out, put their umbrella up, and abandoned everything, choosing instead to run at the water like little kids. Cas was shirtless and he had on a pair of plain black swim trunks. Dean’s tank top was thin and it had wide green and blue stripes, and his shorts were gray.

 

Cas took all of his piercings out—he was afraid that they might get infected in the salt water—so Dean didn’t get to have the pleasure of seeing Cas’ gorgeous nipple rings. That was okay because, well, let’s be honest here, _Cas_ was drop dead gorgeous. There was never a time when he looked bad, even when he was overtired or he had food on his face.

 

After they had been at the beach for a while and were back in the sand, Dean took his time to admire Cas while his head was tilted slightly downward, reading a book under the umbrella.

 

His eyes were bluer than the water and the sky and the slurpee that they had eaten. His lips were pink like pale roses, teenagers blushing, and white frosting with three drops of red in it. And his hair, oh, his hair. The color of dark chocolate, messy like sleep but endearing all the same. His skin was smooth and soft, and Dean loved to touch it. He barely had any clear skin left on his own body. And Cas’ arms. They were so strong, but it wasn’t always defined and masculine. Cas’ shoulders were broad and Cas always made it seem so easy when he would pick Dean up from the ground and carry him around the apartment.

 

Sometime in their relaxation, Dean fell asleep on the towel that was laid out on the ground. Cas woke him up a half hour later by sitting on his lap and straddling his waist.

 

“Wake up, freckle-face. It’s almost dinner time and I heard that there’s a restaurant that sells awesome turkey clubs.” Cas kissed Dean on the mouth for good measure.

 

Dean stirred awake and opened his eyes to see Cas hovering over him, hands on his clothed chest and hair moving slightly with the breeze. His head was blocking the sun and the light created a sort of halo around it. Cas looked like an angel.

 

As Dean’s mind began to process what Cas had just said, he looked at his surroundings. There weren’t very many people left in the water, they were all eating outside at restaurants on the boardwalk or sitting at picnic tables.

 

“Huh? Oh, okay. Where do you want to eat, baby?” Dean asked once he got himself together. He tried to rub the sleep away from his eyes.

 

“I want to eat cool island food. And more slurpees.” Cas answered. He rolled off of Dean and sat in the sand, still looking at him. “How was your nap?”

 

“Good, thanks. Let’s go, I’m actually pretty hungry. Today went by so fast, it feels like we’ve only been here for about an hour.” Dean sat up to kiss Cas.

 

“Yeah, well, time flies when you’re having fun.”

 

* * *

 

 

**_Day Three_ **

 

Dean woke up feeling refreshed and energized. When he opened his eyes, he realized that Cas wasn’t in the bed with him. He stuck his arm out and felt the spot where Cas was last night, it was cold.

 

Rolling out of bed, Dean put on his blue robe over boxers and a t-shirt. He wandered out of the bedroom and looked around for any signs of Cas. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a coffee mug in front of him and his chin was propped up by his elbow and the palm of his hand. Cas smiled slightly when he saw Dean.

 

He looked really tired, like he didn’t sleep a wink last night. Dean took the seat next to him and started rubbing his bare back. “You okay, baby?”

 

Cas shrugged. “I didn’t sleep too good last night and I didn’t want to wake you up. At around four I got out of bed and sat in here.”

 

Dean checked his watch. 9:07. “Cas, honey, you waited in here for five hours? You could have woken me up, you know. I would have helped you out or something. Are you sick?”

 

“No, I’m okay. I just couldn’t sleep no matter what I did. I didn’t want to wake you, either. You looked so peaceful and calm when you were sleeping.” Cas looked into the bottom of his empty coffee mug.

 

“I’m not going to take you anywhere when you’re this tired. C’mon, babe. Let’s go back to bed. I’ll make you really comfy and sleepy, I promise.” Dean kissed the side of his neck. He was really surprised that Cas didn’t sleep, Dean was out immediately when they got to bed. Cas had fucked him within an inch of his life earlier and they were both completely spent afterwards.

 

Cas nodded lazily and let Dean grab onto his waist and walk his back into the bedroom. Dean told him to lay on the bed while he closed the blinds tighter to make the room dark. The sun was out bright and early, and they had to put extra sheets over the windows if they wanted to sleep in the next morning.

 

Once Dean was done light-proofing their room, he walked around to Cas’ side of the bed and dragged the blankets on top of him to cover his body. He started to tuck the blankets in to Cas’ sides, getting him warm and comfortable.   


“Are you tucking me in?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah, is that weird or something?”

 

Cas looked like he was thinking about the question. “No. I mean… no. I just haven’t been tucked into bed since probably before my parents died, it’s different for me now.”

 

Dean paused momentarily before continuing his motions of tucking Cas in. He didn’t exactly forget about his mom and dad dying, they just never talked a lot about it. Cas didn’t ever bring it up and Dean wasn’t about to make him talk about anything that he didn’t want to.

 

“I did this for Sam almost every night until he turned twelve, I think. Helped him sleep. Then he decided he was too much of a little man to get tucked in to bed by his big brother.” Dean smiled at the memory.

 

“Dean, you don’t even have to do this for me. I can just be tired today and I’m sure I’ll sleep good tonight. You already slept like ten hours, you’re probably just going to lay behind me for a few hours, super bored.” Cas verbally resisted Dean’s attempts to get him to go to sleep.

 

“ _Babe_. Just relax, okay? I don’t want to go out and try to have fun if you’re tired and not in a good mood the whole day. We can walk around later to all those nice little shops and stores towards the middle of the island. It’ll be fine, Cas.” Dean climbed in to bed next to him after taking his robe off. Cas yawned. “See, you’re tired already. Do you want me to hold you or just let you be?”

 

“I don’t know.” Cas stared up at the ceiling.

 

“Cas….” Dean used his name as an argument.

 

“Fine. Hold me, please.” Cas answered.

 

“There ya go, sweetie.” Dean turned onto his side and Cas shifted so his back was up against Dean’s belly.

 

Dean wrapped one arm around Cas’ waist firmly and put the other above both of their heads. Their thighs were touching and Cas smelled like flowery hotel soap and even though he knew he wasn’t going to sleep, he knew that it was going to be nice to lie with Cas in peace and quiet while he was getting his rest.

 

* * *

 

 

About four hours later, Dean felt Cas starting to squirm in his arms. Dean loosened his grip on Cas so he could turn if he wanted. Cas turned all the way around to face Dean.

 

“Good morning, sleepy head. How are you feeling?” Dean asked.

 

Cas smiled and kissed Dean on the lips. “So much better. Thank you.”

 

“Love you. I’m glad you’re okay. What do you want to do today now that you can actually move?” Dean asked.

 

“I still want to walk around to those small little shops like you were talking about. It sounds like fun and I don’t feel like going to the beach today. Too much salt and right now there’s sand permanently in between my toes.” Cas put his hands on Dean’s chest and Dean wrapped his arm back around to Cas’ back.

 

“So should we eat before we go?” Dean offered.

 

“I suppose we should.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Dean! Look, it’s a coconut bra!” Cas picked up the garment and held it up for him to see across the aisle.

 

Dean bow-leggedly walked towards him, smiling and shoving his hands into his jeans pockets. It was just like he used to do when he was in high school. If it was cute then, it was downright adorable now. Somehow Dean just managed to get cuter with age.

 

“Well what are you gonna do with it?” Dean asked.

 

Cas smirked. “Put it on you.” He was totally kidding and would never make Dean put the stupid thing on, but it was a hilarious thought.

 

“You’re funny.” Dean deadpanned. He took the bra out of Cas’ hands and put it back on the rack.

 

“Yes I am. Thank you for noticing.” Cas smiled and leaned in for a kiss on Dean’s pink lips.

  
“C’mon, honeybee. There’s an ice cream place down the road a little ways that I thought we could walk to. I wanted something sugary anyways.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand and started to lead them out of the store. Cas stopped him when they got outside. “Everything okay, sweetie?”

 

“How come you called me honeybee?” Cas asked. Dean looked confused.

 

“I don’t really know… I guess just because you’re cute and sweet, and bees are cute and honey is sweet so that’s just what I called you. Don't you like bees? I think you still have that leather jacket with the bee on it, too. I won’t do it anymore if it bothers you or makes you upset. Just say the word.” Dean assured him.

 

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… I don’t know. Ever since we got married you’ve been calling me old people names and, well, it makes me feel like and old person. Am I an old person?” Cas explained. He felt pretty stupid.

 

“You feel like an old person… because I called you honeybee?” Dean asked for clarification.

 

“It’s just the ‘honey’ and the ‘sweetie’ and the ‘dear’. Before, it was ‘baby’ or ‘babe’ or ‘angel’ or ‘sexy’. I thought that married couples are together for decades before they lose interest in each other.” As soon as it came out of his mouth, Cas regretted it. He wasn’t losing interest in Dean and he really hoped that Dean wasn’t either. He didn’t mean for it to come out like that, it sounded horrible. Cas didn’t feel that way at all, it might have just came out snappy because he was maybe a little tired and cranky still.

 

“ _Cas_ , of course I’m not losing interest in you. You’re the light of my life! I didn’t mean to make you upset or anything. And I’m kind of surprised that you feel like that… I didn’t know something was wrong with us. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’m sorry for not noticing that you weren’t.” Dean looked hurt and Cas felt like shit. It was all his own fault, too. Him and his stupid mouth.

 

“No, no, no, no, no and no. I’m not unhappy, Dean. Not at all. I love you so much and we’ve only been married for like a week and a half but it makes me so happy to wake up next to you with rings on our fingers and kiss you good morning. I just… I’m being really stupid, that’s all. Don’t feel bad because of me. You’re perfect.” Cas wanted to jump off a cliff. He absolutely hated making Dean upset. It took a lot for him to act like that, what Cas said must have really affected him.

 

“Cas… it’s okay. I just won’t call you that anymore. Don’t worry about it,” assured Dean.

 

Cas sighed. “It’s not okay. I’m sorry. You were being sweet and loving and I’m rude and also really, really sorry. I take it all back. I want you to call me by those names. Especially honeybee.” Cas had successfully made a big deal out of nothing. He was just being stupid.

 

Dean surprised him by pulling Cas in closer by the hand, pressing their bodies together, and wrapping his one free hand around to Cas’ lower back, fingers skimming the waist band of his cuffed jean shorts.

 

“I forgive you, baby. You’re beautiful and cute and sexy and everything I could ever want. I love you. Now let’s go get some ice cream, hot stuff.” Dean kissed Cas on the mouth, more enthusiastically than before.

  
Cas let go of Dean’s hand to instead wrap it around his tall shoulders. He felt a strong hand slip naturally into his back pocket as they started walking. He really loved Dean.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Day Four_ **

 

Instead of waking up next to Cas late in the morning, Dean got out of bed alone at 5:30 AM and left the hotel. There weren’t many people out, everybody was still sleeping. Dean walked down the little road until he got to the breakfast place. For being on a small island, the food was _delicious_. Cas fell in love the first time they went there.

 

He walked into the restaurant and asked the guy at the desk if his order was ready, under the name Winchester-Novak.

 

The man said in a thick Caribbean accent, “Your order will be ready in fifteen minutes.”

 

“Thank you,” Dean replied politely and with a smile. He stepped away from the desk and took a seat at one of the tables. When Dean had placed the order, he knew it was going to be a lot. He wanted to get all of Cas’ favorite breakfast foods, plus some stuff for himself. The plan was for Cas to have a nice morning filled with warm breakfast in bed and soft kisses from his loving husband. He wanted surprise Cas by doing something special for him. It wasn’t anything extreme of super fancy, but it was a thank you for how amazing he has been through everything they’d had to endure as a couple.

 

A few minutes later, Dean was called up to the front again. This time, there were two large white bags waiting for him Dean quickly paid, thanked the man earnestly, and started to head off back towards the hotel.

 

* * *

 

 

After Dean took everything out of the bags and set it up presentably on a cart, conveniently covered by fancy silver little plate with matching tops that conceal what’s inside, it was almost 8 AM. That was the time that Cas wanted Dean to wake him up. He gave Cas a few minutes before kneeling beside the bed and kissing his sleepy face. Dean frowned when he just stirred slightly and turned over, making his head unreachable. Dean sighed softly at the extra effort that was put into standing up.

 

This time, he cupped Cas’ jaw and kissed him. Cas scrunched his face up when Dean pulled back. He opened one eye.

 

“Dean? What time is it?” he asked. His voice was groggy and rough from sleep.

 

“It’s just past eight like you wanted, baby. Good morning.” Dean kissed him again.

 

“What smells so good?” Cas sniffed the air around him.

 

“I got you breakfast. Stay there, I’ll get it to you.” Dean assured him.

 

“You got me breakfast?” Cas asked. He sat up as Dean shifted to pick up the plate that was holding waffles. The only reason he knew that was because it was the last plate that he covered. “Why? W-When?”

 

“This morning,” Dean handed Cas the food, “I went down to that one restaurant that you love and ordered almost everything. I just wanted to do something nice for you since you’ve been treating me like a king this whole time. It’s our honeymoon. We’re both kings.”

 

“Dean… you didn’t have to do this. I know you appreciate me. But, thank you. It looks delicious.” Cas remarked.

 

“Just wait ‘til you see the rest….” Dean trailed off before he lifted off the tops to two dishes; one of hot, fluffy pancakes and the other of strawberry shortcake. Yes, that is _technically_ a dessert, but Dean knew how much Cas loved it, so, why not? Plus, that gave Dean an excuse to throw in a berry pie for himself.

 

Once Dean got Cas a tray for him to put all the food on, he watched him for a minute, taking in his messy hair and sleepy eyes and cute face as he took a bite of something covered in syrup.

 

“So, are you just going to stand there and watch me eat _or_ are you going to come here, kiss me, and then eat some too?” Cas batted his eyelashes.

 

Dean quickly made his decision, abandoning his standing position and stripping his clothes off to get into his underwear like Cas. Cas didn’t even bat an eye at his scars. Dean blushed. Italways made him feel good when he looked at him and acted like Dean was the most beautiful thing in the world.

 

* * *

 

 

It was midafternoon and the boys were lying in bed, full and happy and warm.

 

“I love you, Cas. I really, really love you. A lot. A lot, a lot, very, very much.” Dean found Cas’ arm and slid his hand down it, slipping his fingers down to wrap around Cas’.

 

“I should hope so. I’m married to you.” Cas replied, smirking.

 

“Funny.” Dean leaned up and kissed Cas on the neck.

 

“I think so,” Cas snuggled up closer to Dean, “I love you, too. More than the world.”

 

Dean smiled. He didn’t even care that they were on some amazing tropical island, the fact that him and Cas were together and in love was all that he needed.

 

* * *

 

 

On the rest of the trip, along with days and nights filled with needy, loving sex, the boys went boating, scuba diving, stargazing, hiking, and kayaking. By the time their flight was nearing, Dean and Cas couldn’t wait to get home. The outdoors were simply exhausting.

 

* * *

 

 

Tired from the flight and desperate to sleep in their own beds, Dean and Cas basically ran up the stairs with their bags and hastily unlocked their apartment door. As soon as they stepped inside, bags were dropped to the ground and shoes were kicked off.

 

In their rush to get into bed, Dean saw that the living area wasn’t cluttered anymore. They had a few magazines strewn around before and they were neatly stacked on the coffee table. He glanced into the kitchen, and saw that the tipped over gallon of milk that he remembered hitting over in a hurry to get out the door when they left was gone, and the mess was cleaned up.

 

“What are you doing, baby? Come on, let’s go to bed.” Cas put his hand on Dean’s cheek to turn his gaze away from the rooms.

 

Dean shook those ideas out of his mind and followed Cas into their bedroom. He started to unbutton his shirt when he saw a folded piece of paper on his freshly made bed. “Cas, what’s that?”

 

Cas had his back turned to Dean, trying to peel his socks off. “What?”

 

“This paper on the bed, it’s just sitting there. I think it’s a note, but I don’t know who could have put it here.” Dean shrugged the rest of his shirt off and picked up the note.

 

“What does it say?” Cas asked.

 

Dean unfolded the paper. “It says, ‘ _Dear lovebirds, we came in the morning you were coming back and cleaned up the place. Who likes to come home to a messy apartment? We also stocked your fridge and cleaned out the rest of those balloons that Gabe put in here on your wedding night. Welcome back! (Give us a call in the morning. We want to know how it was!) Love Michael and Charlie._ ’ And then she drew like a million hearts. Or Michael did. That’s so thoughtful of them, we’ll have to get together for lunch soon.”

 

“Yeah, they’re sweet hearts. We sort of did leave this place in a mess.” Cas changed into his pajamas as he talked.

 

Dean laughed. He pulled on some soft pajama pants and crawled into bed. “Come on, baby. Kiss me goodnight so we can go to sleep, I’m beat.”

 

“I’m coming!” Cas said dramatically as he hopped up on the bed and wrapped his arm around Dean. Dean closed his eyes when he got kissed slowly on the mouth. When they broke apart, Dean rested his head on Cas’ shoulder. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too. That was a good honeymoon.” Dean was already feeling sleepy.

 

“Yeah. It was. Love you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5 chapters left guys  
> is anybody as excited as me????   
> i hope so......  
> please please please leave a comment! I'm getting tired of writing and I need a little motivation so I can finish this work strong!   
> Much love from me <3


	60. Fights are Normal, Right?

_**November** _

 

Cas was sitting at the front desk of Demon Ink when a family walked in. Michael greeted them professionally and Cas pretended to go through some folders, but he was really looking at the father holding the mother’s hand while she had a baby in her arm and a little girl wrapped around her leg. They looked so normal, all together and happy. He wants that with Dean.

 

Yeah, they talked about it before. Yeah, it had become more possible as the years went by. And yeah, Cas _really_ wanted children. The only problem was that him and Dean had never really sat down and had a really serious conversation about having children. They couldn’t have them the traditional way, obviously, and they hadn’t talked about other options.

 

The idea of a family had always been on Cas’ mind, but it kept coming up more and more. Especially since Sam and Jess announced their engagement a few days before and Sam came over to talk to Dean about how he thinks he’s ready to have children. It just made him more eager to get started on a family himself.

 

Cas made the executive decision to bring it up that afternoon when he got home from work and Dean was home from the studio. And just for some extra insurance, Cas sent Dean a mysterious text so he’d be the one to mention something if Cas forgot.

 

**Cas: Hey baby, I wanna talk about something kind of important when we got home. Have a great day at work! Love you <3**

Dean texted him back within a few minutes.

 

**Dean: Is everything okay? Did something happen to you?**

Leave it to Dean to worry about something when it could have anything to do with Cas. He loved that about him.

 

**Cas: I’m fine, don’t worry. I just wanted to talk later. It’s no big deal. I’ll see you later <3**

**Dean: Okay…. Love you baby**

 

* * *

 

Cas got home a few minutes before Dean at five o’clock. He usually got home from the  _Dr_.  _Sexy_  studio a little after five and Cas preheated the oven to get ready to make some dinner.

 

Giving himself some credit, Cas noted that he didn’t forget about talking to Dean. It had actually been on his mind the whole day and he could barely focus at work, too distracted to think straight. He was excited to bring it up, this means that they could take a big giant step in their lives. He was nervous, too. Dean could want to do some things differently, or not at all. There were so many things that could go wrong, but all he really wanted to think about was everything that could go right.

 

The possibilities were simply endless. They’d get accepted by an adoption agency, get all the paperwork done, wait for what would feel like a lifetime but it would all be worth it once they got the call that they would become parents. There couldn’t have been a better time in their lives, either. They had two steady incomes, supportive families, and flexible schedules for anything that might come up. Cas had a good feeling about this.

 

The oven beeped, signaling that it was preheated just as Cas heard Dean turn the front doorknob.

 

“Cas? You here?” Dean called.

 

Cas hopped off of his spot on the kitchen counter to open the freezer and pull out a frozen sausage pizza and a box of chicken eggrolls. “In the kitchen!”

 

There was a thud of Dean dropping his bag on a chair and his hard boot covered footsteps came closer as he walked. “Hey, baby. I missed you.”

 

Cas closed his eyes as Dean closed in on him and wrapped his arm around his waist, bringing him closer and kissing him. Dean always knew just what to do to make him feel good and wanted.

 

“Missed you, too. Pizza or eggrolls?” Cas asked.

 

“What kind of eggrolls?”

 

“Chicken.”

 

“Eggrolls, please.” Dean let Cas go so he could put the pizza back in the freezer.

 

Cas put the eggrolls onto a pan and set the oven timer for ten minutes. “How was work?” he asked.

 

“Good. Gabe was there today but he had to get some work done quickly and leave so he didn’t get a chance to see you. You kind of got me nervous though, what did you want to talk about?” Dean pulled out a chair at the kitchen table for Cas to sit at.

 

Once they were both seated, Cas cleared his throat. “So while I was at work, this family walked in….” Cas proceeded to tell Dean about them and how it got him to think about wanting a family now. “Basically I want children and I think it would be best sooner rather than later and I want to adopt but if you want to find a surrogate or something that’s cool, too. I just… I really want kids, Dean.”

 

When Cas stopped talking, the oven timer went off. Dean still hadn’t said anything, so he got up to flip the eggrolls and put them back in the oven. It sort of put him off the way that Dean was staying silent. He was just sitting there, looking at the table top.

 

“Dean… I mean I know that this sort of came out of nowhere, but I really want this to happen. Sooner rather than later. And I’m sorry for shocking you or whatever but this is important to me and I need to know what you think about it before I go crazy here, babe.” Cas hoisted himself up onto the counter behind Dean. He pulled his knees to his chest and leaned sideways against the fridge.

 

Slowly, Dean stood up out of his chair, turned around, and faced Cas with his arms hanging at his sides. Cas watched nervously as Dean came closer, pulling Cas’ knees away from his chest until his feet dangled off the counter. Cas gripped the counter top tightly, prepared for anything.

 

Dean pushed Cas’ knees apart and slid his own hips in between Cas’ legs. Cas let himself be pulled into a kiss, strong hands cupping his jaw and barely touching his upper thigh.

 

Dean was gentle, slow and passionate. His mouth was hot and wet and he tasted like sour cherries. It was probably because of all the candy that’s around at his work, Gabe’s orders of course.

 

Cas got lost in Dean’s touch and the timer made him jump when it went off again. Dean put a hand on Cas’ chest, silently telling him to stay put. Cas tried to stop his blush from creeping up, but it was no use at all. He could feel his cheeks getting red and hot, there’s no way that Dean wouldn’t notice.

 

Cas watched, heart beating insanely fast, as Dean bent over to grab the eggroll pan. His hand was covered with a floral oven mitt, obviously. Dean dropped the pan on the oven top and turned back to Cas.

 

“Baby, I can’t think of anything I’d like to do more than be a father with you. I think that this is something that we should really think more about and figure out a plan for. I love the idea of adoption, and I want kids more than anything right now.” Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’.

 

“Dean… do you really feel that way?” Cas asked. He reached out slowly to put his hand on Dean’s stomach.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Dean answered.

 

Just as he lightly pressed his hand to his abdomen, Dean’s stomach growled. They both started laughing, ruining the loving moment.

 

“You’re hungry? Let’s eat these eggrolls.” Cas gave Dean a kiss on the cheek. He pushed Dean a little backward so he could have room to get off of the counter. Cas grabbed plates for them while Dean got out two sodas and some carrots at Cas’ insistence.

 

Once they got everything ready and were sitting at the kitchen table, Dean spoke.

 

“After we’re done eating dinner, can we look up some things about the process of adoption and agencies nearby? I know that it can take a really long time to get a child and I want to get started as soon as possible.”

 

Cas dipped a carrot stick in ranch dressing. “I think that sounds like a wonderful idea.”

 

He couldn’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw Dean’s happy little smile to his agreement to the plan. There was no reason for Cas to have been nervous at all.

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, so it takes about a year on average to get a child, but same-sex couples might be a little longer and there’s a lot of stuff you have to go through like background checks and home inspections and you have to have good family or friend recommendations, but everybody on here said that it was one hundred percent worth it and the paper work wasn’t the worst part at all—it was the wait.” Dean summarized aloud.

 

Him and Cas were resting against the headboard of their bed, Dean’s arm around Cas’ shoulder with several websites on adoption open on his laptop.

 

“There shouldn’t be any problems with getting recommendations, you have a perfect record, and our home is pretty secure. Maybe after we get a child we’ll want to move out into the suburbs and buy a house with more room.” Cas said, as he leaned into Dean’s shoulder.

 

“What did you mean when you said that  _I_  had a perfect record?” Dean asked. He understood and agreed with everything that Cas was saying but that last part really confused him.

 

“I mean that I did stupid stuff when I was in high school. You know, before I met you. You don’t think they’re going to hold that stuff against me, do you? Oh my god… what if you get denied a child because I drank and smoked and stole when I was just a  _kid_? Dean, Dean I’m sorry!”

 

Cas quickly went from calm and happy to total freak out mode.

 

“Babe! Baby, no. You’re getting yourself all worked up. It’s going to be okay. You were, what, fifteen or sixteen years old when that happened? It’s not going to make a difference. We have good jobs, a great family, and anyone can see that we love each other more than anything. We’re perfect candidates for parents. Don’t worry about this, Cas. It’s all going to be good.” Dean reassured him.

 

Cas visibly relaxed under Dean’s arm. “You’re right. I’m just freaking out about this because I want it so bad. I want this to happen and I know that it takes a long time and there’s careful deliberation and everything but I want a baby, Dean. Or a toddler. Or a teenager. Just a child. I don’t care if it’s a baby that somebody couldn’t take care of, or a kid that lost its parents, or whatever other possibilities. I would love them and care for them and raise them and keep them on the right path.”

 

Dean sighed. He wanted that exact thing, too. “I know, baby. I know. Wishing isn’t going to help us, though. Tomorrow let’s look at a place we could go to get more information and meet with someone who could help us through this process.” Dean hoped his suggestion would make Cas feel better.

 

“We’re really doing this.” Cas stated.

 

“Yeah, we are.” Dean said back. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Cas.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Dean and Cas called an adoption agency to set up an appointment with somebody who can make some things happen for them. The appointment was for the next week, and even though that felt like a lifetime away for Cas, he was still unable to contain his excitement. But I mean, how could he? They were applying for acceptance to get a  _human_   _being_. A living, breathing, person that they were going to take care of.

 

As much as he wanted to celebrate the day with Dean, he had to go in to work for a few hours in the afternoon because he had scheduled an appointment with a client about a month ago that he absolutely couldn’t cancel. Reluctantly, Cas kissed Dean goodbye and headed out the door to work. He walks there, as it’s only about a mile away.

 

Once Cas got situated at the front desk, he started to go through his client’s folder. His name was Lucifer and he just wanted a simple cross done on his chest. It should be quick and easy and he would be back to Dean in about an hour.

 

Cas looked up when the bell rang, signaling that somebody had just walked in. He guessed that it was Lucifer, since he was the only person scheduled to come in. He was tall, with dark blonde hair and blue eyes. They quickly got down to business, it wasn’t his first tattoo so he knew the drill and Cas was poking him with an inked needle in no time.

 

The tattoo was small and it was only in black ink so the cross took a very small amount of time. They made common small talk to fill the silence, talking about anything that came up. Cas noticed that Lucifer was looking at him out of the corner of his eye once in a while. He was sitting on the high bench, shirt off while Cas was standing next to him. Lucifer was also leaning towards Cas’ middle, brushing his fingertips across his knee and lower thigh. At first it seemed like an accident, but he had been doing it more and more. It started to get annoying but he didn’t say anything, just choosing to keep his mouth shut and get the tattoo done so he could get this guy out of there.

 

He started to ask him more and more personal questions, getting into what he does on his nights off and who he spends his time with. Cas dodged the questions, trying to refocus Lucifer’s attention on anything else. He started making inappropriate comments, too, about Cas’ attractive appearance. Lucifer also oh so kindly mentioned that it really looked like Cas ‘got around’. As soon as the tattoo was done, Cas put the needle down and stepped away from Lucifer. After going through the aftercare procedure, he quickly took his money and made it clear that he wanted Lucifer to leave.

 

“Come on, don’t you want me to stay and… talk with you?” Lucifer’s hidden suggestion made Cas want to punch him.

 

“I think it would be best if you left. I’m closing up soon.” Cas responded. He was trying his best to remain professional, but Lucifer was really getting him frustrated.

 

Instead of leaving like Cas wanted, Lucifer just came closer to him. He was backed up against the front desk, thighs on the corner edge. Lucifer was coming closer, closing in on Cas and trapping him against the desk. Cas had never been in a situation like that before, and he wasn’t sure what the right defense was. Lucifer’s shirt was unbuttoned from getting his tattoo and he was so close that the shirt flaps were brushing against Cas’ stomach.

 

“Come on, baby. Don’t be like that.” Lucifer reached up to put his hand on Cas’ face and he batted it away.

 

“Don’t call me that, and don’t you  _dare_  touch me.”

 

Lucifer blatantly ignored Cas’ demands and leaned in for a kiss. As much as Cas tried to get away, he could only back up so much and Lucifer had a hold on him. His lips were chapped and Cas didn’t kiss him back. He was disgusted for even having to touch that man. Lucifer had both of his hands pinned at his sides and Cas tried to writhe away from his grasp but it was no use. While he was struggling to get away from Lucifer’s clearly unwanted advances, Cas failed to hear or see Dean walk in to the shop.

 

Lucifer loosened his grip on Cas and he was finally able to get free and push him to the side. What he saw was Dean standing still, completely awestruck right in front of the door. Cas didn’t know what to do, so he started with punching Lucifer in the face and shoving him out of Demon Ink. Dean had to step aside as he did so. Cas watched outside of the shop as he got into his car and drove away, making sure that he was really gone. When he turned around, he saw that Dean wasn’t there anymore. He looked around him, and saw a tall, flannel clad man running in the direction of their apartment. Cas wanted to cry.

 

He held himself together, though, and locked Demon Ink up like he should. Even though Cas knew that it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. He was kissed by another man, right in front of Dean. No, of course he didn’t want it and of course he didn’t kiss him back. But, if he were honest with himself, Cas would be very upset if someone kissed Dean in front of him. Or, at all for that matter. He just had to give Dean a little time to cool off and think about what he saw before Cas came rushing in to explain himself.

 

As much as he wanted to run home and be with Dean, Cas forced himself to take a really,  _really_  slow walk around the block before making his way home. He knew that Dean probably needed to think, but he needed his husband just as much. He felt gross and violated from Lucifer’s advances, and he knows that the next time he sees that man he was going to seriously injure him, far worse than just a punch.

 

Once he reached his apartment building, Cas got inside and climbed the stairs, not bothering to use the elevator. He slowly walked down the hallway, stopping outside of his apartment door. It broke his heart to know that Dean was in there, all alone while Cas… wasn’t with him.

 

Cas gently put the key in the lock, turned the doorknob, and stepped inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok before this wasnt working but i got it up nowww


	61. Time Apart

**_ November _ **

 

When Cas stepped inside of the apartment, he softly closed the door behind himself and took off his shoes. He didn’t immediately see Dean in the living room. His search for his husband stopped abruptly when he turned the corner and saw Dean sitting at the kitchen table. He was staring at nothing, hands folded on the table top. Dean’s eyes were red rimmed and wet. Cas wanted to kick himself for making Dean cry.

 

He didn’t look up when Cas came into the kitchen, he just sat there, still. Cas sat down across from him and cleared his throat. Right before he was about to talk to Dean, Dean surprised him by speaking first.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone after I saw what happened. We obviously needed to talk and I just ignored that. I wasn’t thinking straight, and when I got home I regretted not staying, but,” Dean’s voice was tired and rough. “It was just… when you were kissing him I sort of felt like I was going to throw up. Now I don’t know what happened and I’m sure you’re going to tell me now but I just... I need to know _something_ first. Did you… are you cheating on me with him?”

 

Cas was stunned into silence. He knew that Dean might have been mad or upset at what he saw, but to think that Cas would ever have another _relationship_ with another man, or person for that matter, was completely insane. But what if he saw someone do that with Dean? He would most definitely not just brush it off like nothing.

 

Once Cas got his voice back, he replied, “N-no! God no! Dean, baby, I only love you, I only want you, and I only need you. That man cornered me and forced me to kiss him. I never wanted it, I just want you and you know that. It was just a big mess and I wish it never happened. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry that it had to happen like that and I’m especially sorry that you had to see it and as much as I wish it was a nightmare, it wasn’t and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

 

The look on Dean’s face was really confusing Cas. He seemed angry, puzzled, and sorry at the same time.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? I feel like such a fucking idiot, Cas! Here I am, thinking that you cheated on me which I _know_ is fucking ridiculous, and some random guy was forcing himself on you while I just stood there. And then I just left you alone! You could have seriously gotten hurt! What does that say about me? God, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Cas.” Dean looked completely wrecked.

 

“Dean! It’s okay. I’m fine, nothing else happened. I don’t blame you for that, I would have probably done the same thing. It’s over now, we can just forget all about it,  I’m not mad and I hope you aren’t either. It’s okay, I was just a little scared when it happened. It just sucks that now we had to go through all of this when we could have just been relaxing at home. Why did you come down to the shop anyways?” Cas asked.

 

“I’m not mad, either. You’re right about it all. And I just decided to take a walk, so I was going to stop in and surprise you and walk home with you or somewhere for dinner, just so I could be with you more.” Dean ran his hand through his hair.

 

Cas just nodded. “Thank you. We could still go out for dinner, you know.”

 

“Yeah. Actually, since something like this has come up I wanted to bring up another thing for us to talk about. I didn’t know that it was something that I was worried about until that happened, I guess seeing you like that brought it out of me.” Dean started.

 

Cas straightened up in his chair. “I’m listening, baby.”

 

“Well, while I was sitting up here, stupidly worried about the fact that you could have cheated on me, I was thinking… just _that_. That you could totally find someone else and think they’re better than me or maybe you can find a girl that can give you children or someone is smarter than me or—“

 

“Dean.” Cas cut him off. He was being ridiculous.

 

“Please let me finish.” After Cas nodded, Dean continued. “There are all these possibilities of people who are better than me in so many ways, and there’s no reason that if you show any interest in them they won’t like you back, and I’m stupid because I know you love me and we’re married and we’re gonna get babies but I just can’t help it sometimes. I can’t help wanting to be more fun, taller, funnier, stronger, gentler, more attractive, smarter, and a million other things because I know that you deserve them and _even_ _though_ I know that you love me the way I am, I still feel that way. Sometimes I don’t, but a lot of times I do. I’m sorry that I do this all the time, but it’s on my mind. I don’t doubt the fact that you love me, or the fact that you would never leave me. I just know that somewhere, there are people who are better than me and who could give you more than I can. I’m sorry for being such a mess and that you have to deal with this all the time. So… yeah. I’m done now.”

 

Cas didn’t know what to say. He was feeling so many emotions at once that he didn’t even know how to act. His mouth started talking before his brain could think about his words.

 

“Well, I don’t know what you want from me. I’m sorry, I have no fucking idea what you want me to do to fix this. I can’t do anything else. I thought we were good, Dean. I didn’t know we had these problems.” Cas just let his mouth run. He was feeling angry now. Angry at himself, angry at Dean, angry at everything. It was all just coming at him now, everything that was built up for years and years, little things that bothered him but he just shoved them down because it was better that way than to make a big deal out of it.

 

Dean looked completely taken aback. “We don’t. Or, at least we didn’t. What’s going on, Cas?”

 

Cas pursed his lips. It was stupid. It was so, so stupid. He knew that it was stupid, and yet, he couldn't stop himself from saying it. “Does it bother you that I’m bisexual? That I like girls, too? Does my preference bother you, or something? I used to think that you didn’t care, but I’m changing my mind. You always compare yourself to girls and the things that they can do that you can’t. What’s that all about, huh?” Cas crossed his arms over his chest and tried to look defensive, but he was pretty sure that it wasn’t working.

 

“What the fuck? Okay, I don’t even know what we’re fighting about anymore! Cas, your bisexuality doesn’t bother me, just like my homosexuality doesn’t bother you. This is just… I think I need some space right now.” Dean’s voice was low and stable, not a hint of emotion in it. He was completely calm, and to be honest, it was making Cas a little uncomfortable. Everything had gotten so heated and then all at once Dean cooled it down with just one statement. Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

 

Cas stood up from his chair, he wasn’t expecting Dean to say that. He took a deep breath and scuffed his toe to the hardwood floor. “I’ll um… I’ll just go, then.”

 

“No, you don’t have to go. I’m the one who—I’ll go, okay?” Dean stood up, too.

 

Cas had already started backing up to the door. He put his shoes on while he talked. “Stay. I’m gonna… I’m just gonna go take a walk, alright? Call me when you, uhm, when you want to see me again.”

 

“Cas, please, it’s dark out and—“

 

Dean was cut off by Cas, “Goodbye, Dean.” He shut the door behind him as he walked down the apartment hall, alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas was wandering along the beach. It was a little cold and he didn’t have a jacket, but there was no way that he was going back to the apartment to get one. Not while Dean was still upset. While they were _both_ upset, for that matter. He would just wait, however long it would take.

 

He took a seat on a bench facing the water and took his phone out, waiting for Dean to call, or text him, or _anything_. He wasn’t even mad anymore, he was just confused. Really, really confused.

 

How did they get there? Dean had walked in on Cas getting kissed by a creep, then they were apart and mad and sad and then sort of made up, and then Dean brought up his insecurities, and then Cas accused him of being biphobic, and then Dean said in a really calm voice that he needed space and it scared Cas so he just left and there he was, sitting on a bench in front of Lake Michigan. He put his phone back in his pocket, it was about eight at night and it didn’t really seem like Dean was going to try to contact him anytime soon. It felt like time was crawling by, and Cas just wanted to go home to Dean. He knew he couldn’t do that, Dean didn’t want to see him yet, he wasn’t ready, and Cas had to respect that. So, he waited. And waited. And waited. It was almost eleven at night when he decided to bring his phone out again, just to have something to hold.  

 

When Cas picked it up, there were several text notifications from Dean and two missed calls from him, all within the last three hours. Cas felt like an idiot for not checking his phone more often.

 

Instead of calling Dean back right away, he took the time to check his messages.

 

**Dean: Hey, it’s okay if you want to come home now.**

**Dean: Are you still mad?**

**Dean: Please don’t be, why aren’t you answering my calls?**

**Dean: Cas, come on.**

**Dean: I didn’t mean for this whole thing to get so out of hand. I love you.**

**Dean: Where are you?**

**Dean: I miss you.**

**Dean: Please come home.**

**Dean: Cas, really, I don’t care if you hate me or anything but it’s late and it’s dark and please come home because I’m scared and I want you to come to bed.**

**Dean: I’ll sleep on the couch if I have to, I swear.**

**Dean: Cas!**

**Dean: I’m sorry about all of this. It’s stupid and I want to make up.**

**Dean: Okay, I get it, you hate me. You made you point. It would make me feel a lot better if you could just text me back so I know that you’re okay.**

**Dean: Fuck you.**

**Dean: I’m worried and I love you okay just please get back here.**

 

**Dean: I love you so much.**

Cas was off the bench and running towards the apartment before he could even finish reading all of Dean’s texts. It was a difficult task as he was wearing jeans and converse, but it didn’t matter if he ended up getting blisters if it meant he could see Dean just a few minutes sooner.

 

At a really busy street that he _had_ to stop at, Cas texted Dean back. He meant to say ‘I’m sorry, I’m coming home. I’ll explain’ but when the crosswalk turned green again he accidentally pressed send.

 

**Cas: I’m sorry**

Instead of fixing his mistake, he just ran as fast as he could and ignored it. Once he finally reached the apartment building, Cas bolted to the elevator. When he saw that people were loading boxes into it, he hit his hand on the wall but quickly made his way over to the staircase, climbing each step faster than he ever had before. In his hurry, it ended up taking Cas about twenty seconds longer than it should have for him to open the door because he couldn’t get the key in right. He took a step back from the door before turning the lock, just taking an extra step to catch his breath. I wouldn’t really be helpful if he walked into his apartment to see Dean and he was wheezing.

 

While Cas was on pause, he started to assess himself. He ran his hand through his hair, straightened his shirt, and then opened the door finally.

 

The apartment was dark, but as soon as he took a step across the threshold, the lights were flicked on and revealed Dean standing in the corner right by the switch. He looked distressed, eyes tired and back lazily leaned against the wall. He was in his pajamas, soft blue flannel bottoms with a plain black t-shirt. His feet were bare.

 

“Hey,” Cas started.

 

“Hey,” Dean crossed his arms over his chest. “I was worried sick about you. You didn’t answer me for _hours_ , Cas. And then your last text, ‘I’m sorry’? What does that even mean? I was scared and it felt like this was all my fault and I really fucking missed you. I almost went to bed without you. Cas, you can’t do that to me. I _know_ I said I wanted some space but that doesn’t mean that I want you to completely shut me out! I was just mad and confused. I love you, Cas. Please don’t do that to me again.” Dean looked more and more tired as he spoke to Cas. Cas closed the apartment door behind him.

 

“I meant to tell you that I was coming home. I was at the beach all night and I didn’t pay attention to my phone. I really didn’t mean to make you feel so horrible, I would have come home right away if I saw that first text when you sent it. I’m really, really sorry. This isn’t your fault. It’s just… it just happened. I love you and I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happened again.” When Cas finished talking, he walked slowly across the front room and stood in front of Dean. They both looked at each other for a second before practically jumping on the other person, squeezing their middles.

 

Cas buried his head in Dean’s neck. “I love you and I’m sorry.”

 

“I love you, too. This was dumb and I’m sorry and let’s go to bed.” Dean whispered in Cas’ ear.

 

Cas nodded and let Dean lead him into their bedroom. He stood in front of their bed and cooperatively raise his arms above his head when Dean lifted his shirt up. He shivered involuntarily and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder to keep from falling over as Dean bent down to take his shoes and socks off. Soon after, strong hands were undoing his fly and sliding his jeans down his legs and to the floor. Cas stepped out of them and brought Dean’s mouth up to his for a kiss.

 

“You’re so good to me, Dean.” Cas rested his head on Dean’s chest as he leaned forward to slip Cas’ underwear off. He suddenly felt very tired, like all the events of the day were catching up to him.

 

“Shhh baby, let’s get you to bed.” Dean kissed the side of Cas’ neck and sat him down on the bed. Cas watched as Dean wandered over to their drawers and pulled out a few items of clothing. “C’mon, we gotta get you dressed.”

 

Reluctantly, Cas stood up. He took the shirt from Dean’s outstretched arm and lazily pulled it over his head. Dean helped him step into his fresh underwear and shorts. On his own, Cas left Dean in the bedroom to go to the bathroom, wash his face, and brush his teeth. When he got back to their room, Dean was turning the light off and getting into bed.

 

Cas followed him, making his way over to his side of the bed sluggishly. As he crawled under the covers, a thought came up in Cas’ mind.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Hm?” Dean answered sleepily.

 

“Do you hate me?” he asked.

 

Dean turned to face Cas in bed.

 

“Honey, _no_. Of course I don’t. I love you more than anything.”

 

Cas nodded. “Do you still want to have a baby with me?”

 

“I want it all with you. Cas, what happened tonight doesn’t change anything. Ninety percent of our problems were because of miscommunication. You don’t have to worry about this. C’mon now, go to sleep. We need it.” Dean rolled over by Cas so he could kiss him on the lips. He flipped over again on his back like before.

 

Cas took it upon himself to scoot over closer to Dean and snuggle up to his side. “I love you,” he whispered.

 

“I love you, too.” Dean said back. Cas felt a huge weight off his chest when Dean wrapped his arm around his shoulders and arm.

 

He fell asleep immediately. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! Sorry to scare you guys before, I hope this makes it better <3  
> 3 more chapters left! I've already started working on the finale, I'm really excited about this.   
> Love you all!


	62. The Next Step

**_Spring_ **

 

Dean and Cas were planning on sleeping in, having a nice, easy, slow morning, and lazily making out on the couch like teenagers until lunch time. Their schedule got interrupted, however, when a call to Dean’s cell phone woke them up at eight o’clock in the morning.

 

“Unghhh, just let it go.” Cas moaned into their pillows.

 

“I can’t, you know we’re expecting call.” Cas watched sleepily as Dean sat up, cleared his throat, and rubbed his eyes. He picked up his phone and answered it.

 

“Hello?”

 

 Cas smiled at the fact that his voice was still sleepy.

 

“Yes, this is he.”

 

Cas sat up as well, it wasn’t just a call from Sam or Dean’s mom, it sounded way more important than that. As much as he wanted to put his ear up close to Dean’s, he kept his distance and tried to put the pieces together from the one sided conversation.

 

“I believe the meeting we had was with a Miss Cortese.”

 

Cortese? That was the name of the young lady who helped them through the adoption process.

 

“Yes. Yes. No. Same address. Castiel Novak. Yes, we are still married. No. What time was that again?”

 

Cas folded his arms across his chest in anticipation. Dean took a pad and paper from the nightstand and held the phone to his ear with his shoulder. He wrote down some numbers, but Cas couldn’t see what it meant.

 

“It works out great. No, thank _you_. Goodbye.”

 

Dean ended the call and threw his phone down on the bed.

 

“So? What was that all about?” Cas asked.

 

“So, you know how we went through all of those inspections and interviews and meetings with the people at the adoption agency and it was a really long process and we got frustrated but it was all so that we could finally get a child to take care of and love so it was worth the long nights and everything that we went through?” Dean ran a hand through his messy hair.

 

Cas was silent while he thought about what Dean was saying.

 

“Uh, yeah? Yeah… and then a few weeks ago they accepted us to put us out there as an option for people who are putting their kids up for adoption and we’re still waiting for a call that we’ve been chosen.” Cas scratched at the back of his neck while he put the pieces together. “Dean… Dean was that call…? Did we get….?”

 

Dean nodded vigorously. An impossible smile grew on Dean’s face.

 

“What? This is incredible!” Cas couldn’t stop himself from bouncing on the bed. “When is it? _Who_ is it? Have they been born yet? Boy or girl? How old? Do they like us?” Cas’ heart was racing faster than it had ever been before. They got chosen by a family. Or a person. And that family or person has a child that they have to give up for whatever reason. Or it could have been a child that never had a home. Whoever it was, they wanted _them_ , Dean and Cas. As parents.

 

“I don’t know anything. All I know is that we have a meeting next week with Ruby and then afterwards if everything sounds good to us we are going to drive to the home that the child is in and we’re going to meet the kid. Also she told me that the kid doesn’t have any parents and they were living in a home for the last few years. They never had a legal guardian. The meeting is this Wednesday at four. We’re meeting the kid and if they still like us, there’s some papers to sign but, really, then we get to take them home once we can get everything we need.” Dean let out a long, slow, breath. “And if that happens, then… then we’re going to be parents, Cas. _Parents_.”

 

Cas didn’t know what to do. He was so overwhelmed emotionally with everything that he just started crying, bawling, actually. Cas put his face in his hands and pulled his knees up to his chest. Within a second, Dean’s arms were around him and soft lips were kissing his neck.

 

“Cas, Cas don’t cry. I don’t… I don’t actually get why you’re crying because this is happy, right? I thought this was an amazing thing?” Dean sounded sad and confused.

 

“No, no it is! I’m just… I’m super overwhelmed and emotional right now.” Cas sniffed and wiped his eyes with the sheets.

 

Dean’s arms got even tighter around his body. “Oh, baby. I know. Come on, let’s go do something to keep busy. Let’s make breakfast. I’m like freaking out on the inside and I really wanna keep calm until we have the meeting, at least.”

 

Cas nodded and crawled out of bed with Dean.

 

* * *

 

 

**_A week later_ **

 

Today was the day. The meeting where they were going to meet and interact with their possible future child and someone was going to tell them if Dean and Cas could take them home.

 

Dean was stressing out about what to wear, deciding on a plain blue button down and nice dark jeans. Cas was wearing black jeans and a nice short sleeve button down with little diamond patterns on it. He looked good. When did he not?

 

On the drive down to the office, Dean held Cas’ hand the whole time while they were in the Impala. They didn’t really talk, choosing instead to listen to the radio and enjoy the wind from the rolled down windows.

 

When they pulled up into a parking spot, Dean turned the car off and turned to face Cas. “I’m nervous.”

 

“Yeah, me too for sure. It’s going to be incredible, you know. They like us. Ruby Cortese said that it’s really likely that we were going to get accepted soon and then it happened and then she did this for us and I can’t believe how well this is working out. We are going to make _great_ parents. If this doesn’t work out, we can just try again. The only way we’re going to know for sure is if we go in there and find out for ourselves.” Cas leaned forward and brought Dean’s mouth closer to him by the chin and kissed him.

 

Dean tried to lose himself in the kiss, but let Cas go when he found the courage to finally go inside. They both got out of the car and walked to the front doors of the adoption agency hand in hand. Cas opened the door for Dean and followed him closely behind into the building.

 

Dean remembered the clean white walls and friendly receptionist sitting behind the large front desk. She greeted them politely and sent them down the hall to Ms. Cortese’s room, somewhere they’ve been often. The door was open and the boys walked in, announcing their presence with a soft knock to the door.

 

Ruby looked up with a warm smile on her face. Her hair was curling around her shoulders and she was just looking exceptionally beautiful right then. Maybe it was because she was going to get them a baby….

 

“Hello! Please, sit down. We have a few things to take care of before you can make your trip over to the home.” Ruby’s voice was cheery and inviting.

 

The boys sat down in the chairs across from her desk and waited for her to get started with their meeting. Dean crossed then uncrossed his legs, then folded and unfolded his hands, relaxed back and sat up, but he settled when Cas put a strong hand on his thigh, just soothing him.

 

Ruby began to talk about the process they were going to go through. Dean listened intently, soaking up every single word that was coming out of her red lipstick covered mouth. There was nothing that she sad that he would have disagreed with or been against, it all sounded like a fantasy. It didn’t matter that the kid wasn’t a newborn baby, it didn’t matter the sex—it’s a girl—and it didn’t matter that they don’t have any living relatives. It just didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that they were going to get to love a child and make a huge difference in their lives and this girl would make them a family and of course it might be weird at first but Dean knew that he and Cas would do everything to keep their girl happy and healthy and safe.

 

When Ruby was done explaining everything, all Dean had to do was see that Cas agreed with it as well, sign some papers, and then they were on their way to see their potential baby girl. Dean was just _so_ excited that he thought he couldn’t even drive so he gave Cas the keys to the Impala and sat shotgun on the way to the home.

 

The drive to the orphanage felt too long, but when they arrived it wasn’t long enough. Dean felt like everything that they had worked for was leading up to that moment when they were going to go inside and meet their daughter, whose name is Claire and she’s five years old and she’s known to be very shy at times, and Dean was feeling very overwhelmed.

 

“Cas… what if she doesn’t like us? She could just say no and we’ll have to wait for who knows how long? It’s not that I don’t want to do this right now, it’s just that I’m afraid of getting rejected when we were _so_ close.” Dean was now holding onto the seat of the car with a fierce grip.

 

They were sitting in the parking lot of the orphanage and Cas took the keys out of the Impala. He turned to face Dean, and he gently peeled Dean’s fingers from each side of the seat, holding them in his own hands. “Dean, it’s going to be okay. Whatever happens, I’m here for you and we are going to go through this together. We have to go in there first, though.”

 

Cas was right. He almost always was. No matter what happens, they still have and love each other. They can do this. They’re a team.

 

“Okay, let’s go, I’m ready.” Dean kissed Cas’ hand before they parted to get out of the car.

 

* * *

 

 

The walking in part was easy. The greeting the receptionist was cake. Following her into the hallway was no problem at all. Waiting outside of the door while she talked to the girl was effortless. Listening to the receptionist say that they could go in now was music to Dean’s ears. It was the actual action of going in that was causing Dean some problems.

 

Dean was just standing there, staring at the door. The receptionist was standing next to them on the side, waiting for them to make a move. She was required to go in for the safety of the child.

 

“We’ll go whenever you’re ready, Dean.” Cas assured him.

 

“Why don’t you go in first and let me know how she is?” Dean suggested. He knew he sounded ridiculous.

 

“I’m not going in there without you. Together, remember?” Cas stroked soothingly down Dean’s covered arm. Although it was hot, he was _not_ going to scare off his child because of his scars. He could take the heat.

 

Deans started to speak in hushed tones because he didn’t want the receptionist to necessarily hear everything he was saying. “Cas, I want this so bad.” Dean told him. He tugged on his sleeves as a nervous reflex.

 

Cas saw this and took Dean’s hands again like before in the car. “I know you do. I do, too. We have to go in there, Dean. She’s waiting for us.” Cas pressed a soft kiss to Dean’s lips.

 

“I love you.” Dean whispered, voice even lower now.

 

“I love you, too. You ready?” Cas let go of one of Dean’s.

 

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

 

Cas always knew what to say. He was constantly reassuring Dean and making feel better about things he got nervous or upset about.

 

This was going to work.

 

Dean put his hand on the doorknob and twisted it, slowly pushing the door open. The first thing he saw was a messy, empty bed, with drawings behind it on the back wall. After stepping into the room, Cas close behind him, Dean saw two more messy beds, an art corner, a toy box, and a cute little blonde girl sitting on a beanbag on the right side of the room. She was holding a stuffed animal, a dog from what Dean could see, and she looked up when they stepped inside. The receptionist was off to the side of the room, coming in after them and trying to stay out of their way, respecting their space.

 

Her eyes were a bright blue, kinda like Cas’, and her hair was pulled into a messy braid. She was wearing a too big black t-shirt that had a picture of a monster truck on it and pink shorts. She was absolutely adorable, Dean almost couldn’t handle it.

 

Dean grabbed Cas’ hand because he just needed to feel that he was there. He saw Claire watch their hands clasp tightly. Cas had his free hand covering his mouth, his eyes crinkled into what Dean knew was a giant smile. Instead of standing tall while she was sitting, Dean brought Cas down with him and kneeled on the ground in front of her. He didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t have to say anything because Cas got their first.

 

“Hey, there. What’s your name?” he started with, even though they already knew it.

 

“Claire,” she answered in a strong voice for such a small girl.

 

“Well hello, Claire! How old are you?” Cas asked.

 

“I’m five years old.” Claire went back to petting her stuffed dog. “This is Munchkin. Who are you?”

 

“My name is Cas and I’m twenty seven years old and this is Dean who’s twenty six years old.” Cas told her. She made a thoughtful face before speaking again.

 

“Miss Tessa said if I liked you then you get to be my new daddies. The other kids get a mommy and a daddy. How come I only get daddies?” she asked.

 

Valid question.

 

This time, Dean got the courage to talk. “Well, me and Cas here love each other in the same way that mommies and daddies love each other. We have an apartment, we got married, and we’re the same as any other parents.”

 

“Do you already have a baby?” she asked.

 

“No, not yet. We’ve been wanting one for a while now, though.” Dean answered.

 

“Do you like me?”

 

Dean pursed his lips. He couldn’t say that he didn’t—no way—but he couldn’t really say that he wanted her as a child now after just a few minutes of meeting. Except he did. And then again, that’s what they were there for, and she knew it.

 

Cas came to Dean’s rescue while he was thinking. “I think we’ve gotten along so far. Do _you_ like us?” Cas asked.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe. Wanna play with me?”

 

Dean smiled so wide that it hurt. “I’d love to.”

 

* * *

 

 

For the better part of an hour, Dean and Cas played ‘monster trucks’ with Claire, helped her redress her dolls, and Dean tried—and failed—to braid her hair again because she took it out on accident. She didn’t seem to notice how uneven and bumpy it was, just looking in the mirror and smiling before giving Dean a big hug and a thank you. It was one of the most fun days of his life.

 

When it was time to go, Dean and Cas stood up and said goodbye.

 

“Will I ever see you again?” she asked.

 

Dean and Cas looked at each other with the same sad but hopeful expression.

 

“It’s all up to you, Claire.” Cas answered.

 

Dean wanted her to want them again. He really did. She was sweet and fun and beautiful and basically everything they could ever want, but he didn’t want her to think it was just going to be a playdate. They would be her parents, and it would be permanent.

 

“If I want to, does this mean you’ll be my daddies?”

 

Wow. Claire sure was full of questions.

 

They both nodded yes.

 

“Then I want to see you again. I want to be in a family like everyone else who leaves here. Please.” Claire was clutching her dog—Munchkin—tightly.

 

And it was all Dean could do to not pick her up in his arms and hold her tight and take her home. He couldn’t. There was an order to these things.

 

Dean smiled at her. “We’ll see you later, kiddo.”

 

Man, he hoped he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how adoption works I hope this wasn't like completely horribly wrong....
> 
> Anyways, thank you again for reading and oh my god just two more chapters I'm freaking out I want to be done with this but I'm gonna miss it a lot and just really thank you so much for sticking with me for late updates and bad chapters with horrible titles. Did you know I used the title 'Love' three times? I'm not that creative if you haven't noticed. 
> 
> So, just thank you so much. Don't forget to take care of yourselves! Love you all <3


	63. Parenthood

_**One Year Later** _

 

Dean woke up alone in bed for the first time in a long time. Cas was usually beside him, Dean figured he just woke up early and got up to get coffee. He rolled out of bed and put his blue robe on with the matching slippers before going out of their bedroom. When he stepped into the hallway, Dean looked into Claire’s room and found her bed empty before going into the main living room.

 

Cas was sitting on the couch with Claire snuggled up against his side. They were both wearing their pajamas and the TV was on to some Disney channel show that Dean had seen a million times with her but still didn’t know the name of and then he noticed that there were tissues on the couch and all around them and Claire was sniffling occasionally.

 

Claire went to bed extra early last night, she said she wasn’t feeling that great. Dean pieced it all together and realized that she was sick, probably with just a regular head cold. Cas turned around when he heard Dean come in the room and gently peeled Claire off of his side, whispering that he’ll be right back. Dean walked to the kitchen and waited for Cas to follow him in there, making a pot of coffee while he waited. Not even thirty seconds had passed when Cas was up behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist and stomach while Dean turned the machine on.

 

“Hey there,” Cas kissed Dean on the side of his neck.

 

“Good morning. Is Claire okay?” Dean asked.

 

“She’s fine. I heard her coughing last night and got up to give her some medicine and she went back to sleep but woke up early this morning with a runny nose. She’ll be right back to normal in a few days, nothing to worry about.” Cas explained.

 

Dean turned around in his arms before replying. “I know she’ll be fine, but how come you didn’t get me up? I could have gotten her and you could have stayed in bed and slept. I know how hard you’ve been working lately and I feel like I’m not doing enough, you know? You always get up when she gets up. I can do whatever it is that she needs and you can relax for once. Sometimes I just feel bad because it seems like you’re always the one who’s doing the not fun stuff with Claire. You have to take her to school and you helped her when she was sick and on the weekends while you’re at work I just play with her and at bedtime I read her stories and somehow whenever she wakes up it turns into your responsibility but I don’t want it to be that way.”

 

Cas looked a little confused at what Dean was getting at. “Dean, you’ve been tired. I would have gotten you up but what’s the point? She’s okay and if you got up before me you’d just let me sleep because it wasn’t anything serious and you want me to sleep in because that’s just you. If you want me to get you up next time, I will, but don’t feel bad because you think I get all the bad parts of this. Yeah, what you said is true but I love taking her to school. I love watching her run out of the car to go play with her friends. Don’t worry about this, okay? I don’t feel like anything is wrong. Baby, don’t feel bad.”

 

Dean felt his worries melt away when Cas pressed his soft pink lips against his own. “I love you.” Dean whispered.

 

“I know you do. I love you, too. Do you want to go back out there and sit with her while I make breakfast?” Cas offered.

 

Dean smiled. “Nothing would make me happier.”

 

* * *

 

 

Cas, Dean, and Claire were getting ready for bed. Dean and Cas were brushing their teeth in the master bathroom when Claire walked in wearing her pajamas and ready to say goodnight to her daddies. Cas spit and rinsed his mouth before giving Claire a kiss on the forehead. “G’night, Papa,” she said to him.

 

“Goodnight, Honeybee.” Cas replied. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a messy braid. Dean had done it, and while he was definitely better than Cas, he was no professional.

 

“Daddy, how come you have those marks on your arms?” Claire asked.

 

Cas kept quiet, but patted Dean on the back when he choked on his toothbrush. Claire had never asked about Dean’s scars before, so they never told her about it. It wasn’t Cas’ story to tell. Dean rinsed his mouth off and turned around, scooping Claire up in his arms and carrying her into her bedroom. Cas followed close behind, just there for Dean’s support as it was still pretty hard for him to talk about it.

 

Dean was sitting on Claire’s bed, cradling her in his lap. “Well, when I was young—“

 

“Like me?” Claire interrupted.

 

“A little older. I was fourteen. And when I was in high school, I was sad.” Dean went on.

 

“But wasn’t your Daddy there to make you happy when you’re sad like you and Papa do for me?” Claire asked.

 

“My father was dead then. He wasn’t nice to me, he was mad that I liked other boys like your Papa. But before I met Papa, I was sad and I felt alone even though I had Uncle Sammy and Grandma there for me. Sometimes people are just sad all the time, and when I was sad I didn’t know what else to do besides hurt myself. I was trying to get happier when I met Papa in high school, and he helped me get better and now I’m okay.” Dean told her in the most kid friendly way he could think of.

 

Cas was impressed with the way that Dean told Claire and the way he held himself through the story.

 

“Are you happy now?” Claire asked.

 

“Yeah, baby girl. I’m happy with you and Papa and Uncle Sammy and Grandma and Aunt Charlie and everything is good now. It’s great.”

  
  
Cas noticed that Dean answered her with a giant sincere smile on his face, like it was incredible to finally say that out loud and mean it.

 

“Okay. Do I make you happy, Daddy?”

 

“You sure do, Claire. It seemed like forever until I got to take you home after we first met and when we finally got you it was like something in my life was complete. Papa and I waited a long time for you, but it was all worth it when you came home and saw an empty room that was going to be all yours.” Dean stroked the length of Claire’s soft blonde hair and looked to where Cas was, standing in the doorway.

 

Cas mouthed, _I love you_ , to Dean across the room.

 

Dean blushed when he saw what Cas was trying to tell him and stood up with Claire in his arms so he could place her down on the bed and tuck her in. “It’s time for bed, baby. I’ll see you in the morning, alright? I love you.”

 

Cas smiled to himself. It always made him happy when Dean was being all fatherly towards Claire. They were a real family.

 

Cas walked up to her bedside and kissed her on the forehead. “I love you, little girl. Sleep good. Maybe tomorrow we can bake some cookies?”

 

“Yeah! I wanna make chocolate chip. I love you, too, Papa. And Daddy.”

 

Dean and Cas turned off the light and shut the door behind them when they left Claire’s room. It was a short walk down the hallway before the boys were in their own room, slipping under their sheets. It was only 8:30 at night and they weren’t going to go to sleep yet, but Dean usually likes to read before bed and Cas either snuggles up to his husband’s side while he turns the pages or sometimes he works on his art for Demon Ink. It was a snuggle night.

 

Dean’s cute while he reads. A year ago he had to start wearing glasses when he read and sometimes they slip down his nose and he has to push them up and Cas can’t think of anything more adorable.

 

“I love you, Dean.” Cas says once he’s settled in beside Dean.

 

“Love you, too, baby.” Dean opens his book to where his worn bookmark was settled in halfway.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you about something before you get into your book.” It had been on his mind for a few weeks now, and Cas figured that it was a good time to bring it up.

 

“Are you okay?” Dean asked. Leave it to him to be concerned.

 

“I’m perfect. It’s just some stuff I was thinking about and I want you to be thinking about it, too.” Cas explained.

 

“Alright, let’s talk.” Dean closed his book.

 

“I want to adopt again. I want another child, Dean. Maybe not right now, but I definitely want to look into it if you do, too. I mean, things are going _great_ with Claire, and you’re an amazing father to her and it’s fallen into such a nice routine and I think another little kid here with us would just make everything better. If you don’t want to then that’s okay I was just suggesting it.” Cas held his breath while he waited for Dean to answer.

 

“Cas… I think that’s something that we could talk about. I agree with you one hundred percent. But before we do get another child, I think we should move into a bigger place. The apartment is good for the three of us but we don’t have another bedroom for another person.” Dean wrapped his arm loosely around Cas’ shoulders. Cas cuddled up closer to his side.

 

“Okay. We can do that. Let’s get a house and once we’re settled in we can look into more adoption stuff.” Cas was thrilled with how well Dean responded to his suggestion.

 

“Sounds like a dream, darling.” Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head.

 

Cas snuck an arm between Dean’s back and the bed and threw his other arm across his lover’s stomach. Happy with his position being right up against Dean’s waist, Cas closed his eyes for just one minute….

 

* * *

 

 

Dean smiled when Cas started to doze off. His head would jerk up every few minutes but eventually he just fell asleep against Dean’s side. Instead of trying to wake him, Dean just put the book he had in his hand back on the nightstand and turned off the lamp. Pushing his fingers in between Cas’ that were resting on his stomach, Dean held Cas’ hand tight and rested his own eyes. Before he knew it, they were both fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I can't believe there's only going to be one chapter left guys this is crazy but I'm soooo excited!  
> I really hope you like it....  
> Anyways, love you guys!


	64. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it!

**_January 24, Dean's 35th birthday_ **

 

 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Daddy, happy birthday to you!”

 

Dean groggily opened his eyes to the sight of his teenage daughter, fifteen to be exact, with his seven year old son on her back and his completely gorgeous thirty five almost thirty six year old husband holding a tall stack of pancakes with a candle down the middle and whipped cream that spelled out “Happy B-Day” sloppily on top.

 

Sitting up in the bed, Dean rubbed his eyes one last time before he was able to completely understand what was going on.

 

“Aw, you guys didn’t have to do this for me. But, thank you. Really, this is awesome.” Dean took the plate from Cas and set it on the nightstand.

 

“Wait, Daddy, you have to make a wish and blow it out!” Riley said.

 

Dean made to pick the plate up again. “You’re right, buddy.”

 

Closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, Dean blew out the candle. He didn’t need to tell them what he wished for.

 

“Papa said that you and him needed some time to talk so me and Claire are gonna go downstairs and watch TV and can we go outside later and play in the snow?” Riley was out of breath before he finished his question.

 

“Sure, Riley. We can make a snowman, sound good?” Dean chuckled to himself at how enthusiastic Riley was about the snow.

 

“Okay! C’mon, Claire!”

 

Claire hitched him up higher on her back, gave Dean a smile and a, “Happy birthday, Dad,” before galloping out of the master bedroom like a horse.

 

Once the kids were gone, Cas shut the door and crawled into bed with Dean. Dean immediately wrapped his arm around his amazing husband, bringing him in for a kiss.

 

“Thank you.” Dean whispered.

 

“You don’t have to thank me, Dean. It’s your birthday. Plus, the kids wanted to do something special for you again. Especially Riley. He got so excited when Claire mentioned maybe making breakfast and all of a sudden we had to do pancakes.” Cas told Dean.

 

“I love our kids.”

 

“Same here, babe.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was sitting on the bed alone in him and Cas’ room, just thinking about his life.

 

Another birthday means that another year had gone by that Dean didn’t cut or hurt himself. Maybe a few thoughts came across his mind, but he didn’t act on it. He either dealt with it himself or talked to Cas or called Sam.

 

Dean stood up and ruffled through the top drawer of his bedside table, flipping through papers and some stuff that should definitely be thrown away until he found what he was looking for. Dean pulled out a worn, tattered, not quite so white anymore piece of folded up notebook paper.

 

Dean gently unfolded the paper until it was flat, and then he began to read.

_Dear Dean,_

_You told me about six months ago that you self-harmed. There hasn’t been a day that I don’t think about it. I came up with a list of things for you to think about and remember for the next time you’re depressed or…._

 

 

After Dean read Sam’s letter and thought about his father, John, and his early teen years, he started to remember all of the reasons he started to cut and feel absolutely horrible about himself in the first place. All of those thoughts left his mind when Dean looked up and saw a picture of him and his family. On the top of their dresser was a framed photo of everyone, Mary, Sam, Jess, Sam and Jess’ baby Elliot, Gabe, Bobby, Ellen, Benny, Elizabeth, Andrea, Dean, Cas, Claire when she was twelve, Riley when he was four, Charlie, and Kevin. Next to that picture was one that was just of Dean, Cas, Claire, and Riley.

 

Dean wasn’t just a part of a family, he had his _own_. He had a gorgeous husband who he shared the most important years of his life with, a completely beautiful daughter who changed his life and made him a father for the first time, and a perfect little man that just completed everything.

 

The greatest thing that ever happened to him was meeting Cas. That one day in Biology with Mr. McPherson changed his life completely. There’s no doubt in his mind that Dean still would have been able to turn himself around and get through recovery from self-harming, but it would have been a hell of a lot harder than it was with Cas. And even with support from him, it was still really, _really_ hard.

 

The process had taken time. A long time. At least a decade before Dean would consider himself completely recovered. Now it had been two decades—twenty years, and Dean felt better than ever. He was _happy_. Even when there was a problem, even when he was having a bad day, he never had the feeling like there was nothing he could do, like it was all his fault, and like he ruined everything he did. Dean realized that the things he thought before about himself weren’t true at all. He wasn’t worthless. He didn’t fuck everything up. And he was worthy of love.

 

Looking back on all of his past struggles, Dean came to a realization about his life. Even though he had to go through years and years of self-hate and pain in a time when he should have been making friends and having fun, he didn’t wish it didn’t happen. That shaped him into the man, husband, and father that he is today.

 

Sitting on his bed, Dean thought back to the day that they got Claire. Claire wasn’t the bright eyed kid that she was when they first met. She was strong, she was smart, and she was beautiful. Dean and Cas had waited for a child for months and months and when they got the call it was like everything they ever wanted was coming into place.

 

Speak of the devil….

 

Claire was practically dragged into Dean and Cas’ bedroom by Riley, Cas following close behind and leaning casually against the doorjamb while he watched his kids run to their dad.

 

“Daddy, Daddy! Come play outside in the snow with us, please? We wanna make a snowman family and I want you to help us because I can’t lift the heads up and we need stuff to make faces and you’re really good at that and—“

 

“Alright, Riley. Let me get my snow boots on and I’ll come outside with you guys. Now go get started on rolling the snow balls _after_ all three of you give me a kiss on the cheek.” Dean braced himself from the full speed charge at his chest that came from Riley and the skinny arms that wrapped around his shoulders for a light kiss on the cheek. After gracing his dad with a kiss, Riley darted out of the room to go get his snow gear on.

 

Claire took a step toward Dean and kissed him on the other cheek. “Happy birthday, Dad.”

 

“Thank you, darling.”

 

Claire smiled and walked off after her brother.

 

Dean smirked at Cas. “C’mere, baby,” he said, patting his lap. Cas blushed and came towards Dean, loosely wrapping his arms around his neck before straddling him on the bed.

 

Dean smiled as Cas pressed a loud, wet kiss on his cheek. “I’m afraid that wasn’t enough. I’m going to need at least one hundred more kisses and I’ve moved them to my lips, sorry for the inconvenience, sir.”

 

“Is that so?” Cas brushed his nose against Dean.

 

“Mhm,” Dean murmured, moving his hands up to gently rest them on the top of Cas’ thighs.

 

“Well, I don’t know. You’re getting kinda old….” Cas teased, planting a light, barely there kiss on Dean’s cheek.

 

“Yeah, yeah, says the man who’s older than me by eleven months. Where are my kisses?”

 

Cas smiled and finally kissed Dean on the lips. Punctuating each word with a kiss, Cas said, “You… know… I’ll… never… think… you’re… old.”

 

“I know, I love you.”

 

“I love you, too. Happy birthday, honeybee.” Cas leaned in for another kiss.

 

“What do you say we go outside with our beautiful babies and crush them in a snowball fight?” Dean suggested.

 

“Let’s go.”  


 

After a few fun hours in the snow, there were four snowmen in the front yard, dressed and everything. Two of the snowmen were big, one slightly taller than the other. The tallest one had an old flannel wrapped around its shoulders, and the smaller one had a black denim jacket buttoned up around its torso. The smaller ones were different sizes as well, the taller of the two wearing a green army jacket, and the shorter one wearing a little red zip up hoodie.

 

It was their family. But, you know, in snow form.

 

When everyone’s hands started to feel more like ice than fingers, Dean and Cas took the kids inside for hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, of course. While they were at the kitchen table, Dean noticed that Claire kept looking at her phone. Normally that wouldn’t make Dean think twice about it, but the worrying look she had on her face was a little odd.

 

“What’s going on, darling?” Dean asked.

 

Claire looked up from her hot chocolate. “Oh, uhm, I’m just… it’s nothing.”

 

Dean frowned. She wasn’t usually dismissive like that. He looked to Cas, wondering if he knew anything, and his husband just shrugged. “Really? It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. But I just want to make sure you’re alright.” Dean told her.

 

“I got asked—invited to the movies for tonight but it’s your birthday and I don’t know if I want to go.” Claire explained.

 

“Well do you want to see the movie?” Dean asked.

 

“I don’t know. It’s more of… the person… than the movie.” Claire blushed and ducked her head. Dean was surprised, she almost never got flustered over a crush like that.

 

“Don’t worry about it being my birthday. If you want to go, then go. Baby, you guys already made this day into an amazing one and it’s perfectly fine with me if you want to go to the movies with….” Dean trailed off, expecting her to finish the sentence.

 

“Sam. His name is Sam.” Claire filled in.

 

“Like Samuel?”

 

“Like Samandriel.”

 

Dean nodded. “Okay. That sounds fun. I think it’s fine. Cas?”

 

“It’s alright with me. What time?” Cas asked.

 

“Seven. The movie starts at seven and he’s picking me up a little before, so we can do presents and cake and everything before then, too if you want, Dad.” Claire suggested.

 

“Sounds perfect, Claire.”

 

Boy, was their little girl growing up.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean and Cas were sitting at the kitchen table, just talking about nothing, when Claire came by them and sat on the kitchen counter.

 

She was all made up. Not fancy or anything, no skirt, no dress, not a lot of jewelry, but you could still tell. Her braid was tighter, her hair was smoother, her eyeliner was cleaner, and she wore her favorite clothes. The old black boots that are kind of dirty but worn and comfortable, dark jeans that have a few rips in the knees, her gray flannel worn over a plain white t-shirt and her new leather jacket on top. It was just so… _Claire_. She looked beautiful. Dean remembered how happy she was when she got that jacket, she had saved up for months and didn’t take it off once she finally bought it.

 

“You look very nice tonight, honeybee.” Cas said. Dean watched as he ran his tongue over his lip ring and brought a hand up to twist the studs in his ears.

 

 _Like father like daughter_ , Dean thought.

 

“Thanks, Papa.” Claire smiled. She was so pretty when she smiled.

 

“Do you need any money or anything?” Dean asked.

 

“No, I’m okay. I was wondering… do I have a curfew?”

 

“Be home by one at the latest. Uncle Sam and Aunt Jess are coming over at around ten tomorrow morning and they’re bringing Mary around for us to finally see her.” Cas told Claire.

 

Sam and Jess had a newborn two weeks ago and Dean and Cas both couldn’t make it to the hospital when Jess was giving birth, so they hadn’t even seen their niece yet.

 

“Okay. One it is.”

 

When the doorbell rang, Claire jumped down from the counter and grabbed her bag that was slung across the back of Cas’ chair.

 

“Have fun tonight, honey. I trust you to make good decisions.” Dean stood up and walked with her to the door just to make sure this Samandriel kid looked alright.

 

When Claire opened the door, Dean saw a tall, skinny boy with green eyes and brown hair. He had plain jeans on and his hands were behind his back, but once he saw Dean behind Claire, Samandriel reached his hand out for Dean to shake.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Winchester. I’m Samandriel, but you can call me Sam.” The kid looked ridiculously nervous. It made Dean remember his first date with Cas, how he was so nervous he could barely breath.

 

“You, too. So, you kids go on and have some fun, alright?” Dean patted Claire on the back. She had a relieved smile on her face, like she thought Dean was gonna give him a hard time.

 

Before they left, Dean bent down a little and whispered to Claire, “You look beautiful, Claire. I trust you, okay?”

 

She just nodded in response and gave Dean a big smile. Claire followed Samandriel and met him to where he was holding the car door open for her. Dean closed the front door behind them and walked back into the kitchen where Cas was still sitting.

 

“I just can’t believe it, you know? Our beautiful little girl is a teenager now and she’s going on a date with a _boy_ who by the way seems pretty good for her, if you were wondering. Obviously not good enough… but good. God, Cas. She’s all grown up. Claire is all grown up.” Dean sat down across from him and put his hands on the table top.

 

“I know, it feels that way, doesn’t it? But she’s not, Dean. She’s not. She’s fifteen and she’s still growing up and she’s halfway done with high school already but she still needs us. Claire’s always going to need us. Even when she moves out and goes to college and lives in her own apartment far away, she’s still going to need us. We’re her parents.” Cas reminded Dean.

 

Dean looked down at his hands, then up at Cas. “I love you. I love you so freaking much. I love our kids and I love our house and I love _myself_. Thank you so much, Cas. For everything you’ve done for me over the years. When I was in high school I wouldn’t have ever believed I’d get to have a life like this, and you helped me get here. I just… I love you. A lot. And I know I say that a lot and you hear it all the time but I’m never going to stop saying it because it’s never going to stop being true. I love you, Cas.”

 

“I love you, too Dean. And I’m proud of you. And I know I say that a lot and you’re probably sick of me telling you that but I won’t ever stop saying it because I’m always going to be so, _so_ proud of you. And so, _so_ in love with you.” Cas smiled at Dean. God, every time he smiled Cas made Dean feel warm and fuzzy inside.

 

“C’mon, baby. Come to bed with me,” Dean said as he stood up from the table and reached his hand out for Cas to take.

 

Cas got up and interlaced his fingers with Dean’s but didn’t walk with him. “Dean, it’s barely past seven.”

 

“Who said anything about sleeping? It's my birthday, isn't it? I think I'm entitled to a little treat.” Dean raised his eyebrows suggestively.

 

Cas giggled and followed Dean, but he stopped when they got to the bottom of the staircase to go up to their bedroom.

 

“What about Riley?” Cas wondered aloud.

 

“Is he playing video games?” Dean asked.

 

“I think so. He got that new one the other day and is still trying to figure out how to use it. He doesn’t like the fact that he has two daddies and neither of us know a thing about video games.” Cas told Dean.

 

“Yeah, but he has Aunt Charlie: expert on all things nerd-related. Okay so if he’s downstairs then I say we have about an hour, maybe more since it’s a new game, before Riley comes upstairs to have us tuck him in for the night. What do you say we play a few games of our own?”

 

Cas looked up quickly to Dean. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open slightly and his tongue came out to lick his lips and everything he ever did made Dean go crazy.

 

“What are you waiting for? Let’s go upstairs and get naked come on!” Cas was pushing Dean now after the moment of silence, hustling his up the flight of stairs.

 

* * *

 

Dean fell down onto the bed, exhausted after Cas’ insistence that they use their hour very, _very_ wisely. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d had that many orgasms at one time. Cas came into the room with a warm cloth and washed the come off of Dean’s chest and cock.

 

“Get dressed, baby. Riley’s gonna come up soon and we have to say goodnight. But after, I think we should get cleaned up in the shower together.” Cas climbed onto the bed next to Dean after pulling on a t-shirt and shorts.

 

“You’re gonna kill me someday, you freaking sex machine.” Dean mumbled tiredly.

 

Cas huffed a laugh and came closer to pepper kisses across Dean’s chest, shoulders, neck, and face. “Maybe. But I love you.”

 

Dean leaned in to Cas’ touch. “I know. I love you, too. Let’s go get Riley now because I’m about to fall asleep.”

 

Cas laughed and got up, leaving Dean wrapped in the sheets. “I’ll be right back. Try not to go to sleep because Riley always has to say goodnight to both of us. Besides, don’t go to bed anyways it’s only 8:30, you old man.”

 

“Hey, if I was an old man would I be having hot sex with my hot husband all the time? I don’t think so.” Dean countered.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Get some clothes on.”

 

When Cas left the room to go get Riley, Dean reluctantly got out of his messy cocoon of blankets and pillows, rubbed his eyes, and then put some pajama pants and a shirt on his tired body. He snuck his feet into slippers, too, and then sat back on the bed to wait for Cas and Riley to come back.

 

Soon he heard soft footsteps coming up the stairs. Dean met Cas who was carrying a sleepy Riley in his arms in the hallway and followed him into Riley’s bedroom.

 

Dean and Cas both said goodnight, kissed him on the forehead, and then turned out his light before going back into their own bedroom. Dean kicked off his fuzzy slippers before dragging himself into the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. Cas came in just as Dean was rinsing his mouth and they did their nightly routine in comfortable silence, just happy to be near each other.

 

Dean waited for Cas to finish brushing his teeth before he took his husband’s warm fingers in his own and walked slowly back into their bedroom.

 

“Should we wait up for Claire?” Dean asked.

 

“We should be awake when she comes home. Plus, I just want to make sure she gets home safe, you know?” Cas said.

 

Dean collapsed onto the nice, soft bed and groaned. “You’re right. I want to _sleep_ , though.”

 

“What if I set an alarm for 12:30 so we can sleep until then and that way well be up for when she comes home and we can go back to bed at one-ish.”

 

“Okay, good. Now come get in bed and cuddle with me.” Dean opened his arms wide for Cas to come lay down with him.

 

After setting the alarm on his phone, Cas crawled into bed and rested his head by Dean’s shoulder, wrapping and arm around his waist.

 

Even after all the years that Dean had known Cas, he still thought he was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. His eyes kept getting bluer, his hair messier every day. Now he has some eye crinkles and laugh lines, but that’s good. He smiles a lot, he’s happy, and Dean makes him happy. No, he’s not the same rebel he was in high school. Cas almost never wears piercings that aren’t in his ears and the last time he ran out of eyeliner he didn’t buy any more, but he’ll always be the punk teenager that he was when Dean first met him. No matter what Cas wears or doesn’t wear, Dean would support him and love him. Sometimes it’s almost like while he’s asleep he forgets just how much he loves Cas, but when he wakes up in the morning and sees his absolutely gorgeous husband, sleepy and plagued with morning breath, it’s like he falls in love all over again.

 

“I love you, Cas. I love you so much.” Dean whispered. He was barely awake, breathing in the scent of his husband’s shampoo. 

 

“I know, baby. I love you, too. Go to sleep, honeybee. And happy birthday.”

 

Dean could sort of feel Cas nuzzling his neck, but he was asleep before he could even think about it. It was all a part of the apple pie life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's the end, everybody! I just want to thank those of you who stuck with me for a year while I was writing this, and the ones who saw this WIP and started to read it halfway through, and everybody who left kudos and comments for keeping me motivated and realizing that some people actually like this story and like reading it, I swear I would have given up without you. 
> 
> If any of you are interested, I'm gonna take a short break from writing and then after my little vacation I'm gonna write some ficlets and short stories that are only one or two chapters, so subscribe to me if you want to get the updates! I can take some prompts too if there's something specific you'd like to read. You can either comment about it or put it in my tumblr which is frustratedsam.tumblr.com.
> 
> I love you all and always remember to take care of yourselves and stay happy!


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